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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out my DP is an alcoholic

142 replies

miamiibiza · 07/07/2021 06:25

I really need some help and advice here, I'm really struggling 😢

I've been dating a woman since January, thought she was amazing. Could see a future with her, she would tell me that she was going to marry me, that I was the love of her life etc.

For context, I'm a woman too. We each have 2 young children.

A couple of weeks ago, she was acting strangely one day. Turned out she'd been drinking, had picked the children up from school drunk, and then proceeded to drive drunk with them in the car for 2/3 hours.

I had no idea she had a problem with drink. She has since admitted she's an alcoholic and was attending AA before meeting me. She said that she was so happy since being with me that she stopped going to AA.

I love her so much, but I don't know what to do now. How can I stay in a relationship with her, never knowing if she's at work or if she's gone to get a drink? Not being able to trust her to drive my children about etc. I feel absolutely heartbroken 💔

I've been trying so hard to be strong, she swears she will never drink again, that I've given her a reason to be sober. And I desperately want to believe her. The last few days she's been quiet and distant. Won't see me or talk to me. Just will send the odd text telling me she loves me.

I don't know what to do. Any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
moirarosebabay · 08/07/2021 19:20

@toobusytothink

So how should op support her gf then???? This is an addiction, she needs help and op can support her. Genuine question. You don’t just run away surely?
As an alcoholic myself the alcoholic needs to get to their rock bottom before they will seek help. You can't do it for them and there is no telling how much pain they can take. I am 5 years sober and try and help people who come into aa and it's the most painful thing ever as they have to be desperate to pick up the program and live in recovery and most of them are not.
GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 08/07/2021 19:24

Do not expose your baby DC to this mess, sorry.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2021 20:29

@moirarosebabay not only do you give great advice, you also have a brilliant name!

minesagandtnoiceandaslice · 08/07/2021 22:42

How are you doing Op? You know what you need to do (as hard as that is) but she needs help and you and your children don't want to be caught up on that. The last thing you need is SS involved (though that may be needed for her DC) please let us know how you are

moirarosebabay · 09/07/2021 00:04

[quote MrsTerryPratchett]@moirarosebabay not only do you give great advice, you also have a brilliant name![/quote]
Thanks. It's a horrible thing addiction. I've seen so many people lose so much/die and that's the reality. Most people don't get recovery. Addiction is the only disease that tells you you don't have it. I've seen someone 4 years sober relapse over a man. Relationships in early sobriety are very dangerous for sobriety. Like they don't recommend them for the first year and I've seen many times over why.

moirarosebabay · 09/07/2021 00:06

Not that I'm saying op caused this relapse because she didn't at all. Just that the alcoholic needs to stay out of relationships until she is sober and working a program or it will involve destruction for everyone involved.

Original poster
miamiibiza · 09/07/2021 10:07

Is she an alcoholic even if she doesn't drink every day?

OP posts:
Original poster
miamiibiza · 09/07/2021 10:09

I'm staying strong, but I do feel incredibly sad of course.

I swing between feeling like I am being over-dramatic, and knowing I'm not. Is that normal?

I've told more family and friends in RL now and it's made it so real. My DP is in complete denial. She thinks everything will be fine, and the drinking at the start of this week was just a blip that can be looked over

OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 09/07/2021 10:16

@miamiibiza

Is she an alcoholic even if she doesn't drink every day?
Yes
minnimiss · 09/07/2021 10:16

Ok so she's minimising now? If it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck, it's a duck! Alcoholics can go several weeks without a drink once they have started down the road to recovery if they are really trying, but they are still alcoholics yes! And really they should never, ever have another drink. As someone who has seen the damage alcoholics can do to a family, please listen when I say run and don't look back! And don't knowingly allow this person to become anymore involved in your children's lives. It will be VERY damaging for them and that can never be undone.

pointythings · 09/07/2021 10:26

@miamiibiza

Is she an alcoholic even if she doesn't drink every day?
Yes. When my late husband was in rehab, he was tested daily for the duration of his stay. He lasted all of 2 weeks after discharge. Even then he didn't drink daily for a while, but when he did, it was a whole bottle of spirits. Being an alcoholic isn't about the frequency and quantity, it's about your relationship with alcohol. Your DP drink drives and minimises. Her drinking affects her relationships and her daily life. All hallmarks of addiction. I know how sad you feel, I've been there, but you have to let her go. It's not just in your best interest, it's also in hers.
BlokeHereInPeace · 09/07/2021 10:37

Her primary relationship isn't with you, it's with alcohol. If you stay together then you have to accept that.

Good luck.

Livinglavidalockdown · 09/07/2021 10:45

I swing between feeling like I am being over-dramatic, and knowing I'm not. Is that normal?

Totally 'normal' I am afraid.
When you discover something such as this it causes something known as cognitive dissonance due to the confliction of your beliefs.
eg. One part of your brain is telling you how wonderful and amazing your partner is whilst the other is telling you that she is an addict, she has lied to you and that you need to end the relationship.

It is a really unsettling process, which can cause you question everything and feel unsure in your decision making.
There is also a chance that the intensity of your relationship has created a trauma bond, which can be emotionally difficult to sever.
I recommend you look up and read more about these things as it will help to bring clarity to your situation.
I can't stress enough that you read through the advice and support offered on here and note that we are all saying the same thing.
Run and don't look back!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/07/2021 10:56

@miamiibiza

Is she an alcoholic even if she doesn't drink every day?
People can absolutely be alcoholic but not drink every day: "Alcoholism, now known as alcohol use disorder, is a condition in which a person has a desire or physical need to consume alcohol, even though it has a negative impact on their life."
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/07/2021 10:56

Sorry not sure what happened with the bold words there!

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 09/07/2021 10:57

I’m married to a recovering alcoholic he’s been sober and in AA for nearly 8 years. We’ve been married 25 years. So I had a lot of years with a problem drinker. I enabled and tried to control his drinking in so many ways it’s was exhausting, but all I did was prolong the agony for both of us and I stopped him reaching his bottom earlier.

When in AA you get a sponsor and work the 12 steps, if she’s not doing this she’s not taking it seriously, and also if she was taking it seriously she would know being in a relationship while trying to do the steps is not a great idea, she needs to concentrate fully on her program and recovery.

My one biggest regret is I did not remove our child and run, I shielded him as much as possible and he’s grown up into a decent adult and also agrees i shielded him well, but he remembers me being continually stressed and snappy, he did not deserve that mother, I did my best at the time, but not removing us both from it all was the biggest mistake of my life!

Alanon is a fellowship for friends and families of alcoholics. It doesn’t help you look after the alcoholic it’s helps you look after you. Living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us and our thinking becomes distorted.

Don’t bring kids into it you will regret it.

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/07/2021 11:20

OP, the fact that she wasn't honest with you from the start is massive.

I have been with my partner for 2 years and before we even met in person, he told me he was a recovering alcoholic. He wanted to give me the chance to not take it any further if it was a deal breaker for me.

I met him, got to know him and learn more about his alcoholism and journey with sobriety and took the risk. I'm glad I did as he has been sober for almost 3 years and is very committed. He still goes to AA meetings (not so much during covid but that wasn't his fault) and is very open about being an alcoholic, which is important.

However, if he drinks again the relationship is over and he knows this. I can't be with an alcoholic who is drinking and I won't let my kids be around that either, even though they are now young teenagers.

The decision is yours but driving kids around over the limit is unforgiveable in my view and I wouldn't be able to trust her with mine knowing what she had done.

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/07/2021 11:32

People saying being with an alcoholic is the worst thing in the world...one who is still drinking, yes, I can see that, but I would rather be with my partner who has been sober for almost 3 years and takes his recovery seriously than my ex who wasn't an alcoholic but put going out and drinking above everything else, would drink to excess every time he went out and then be hungover and useless the next day while we had young kids.

My life is way less stressful now.

Just wanted to clarify that not all alcoholics are lepers, it could be any one of us. I have met GP's and all kinds of people through my partner who you would literally trust with your life, who are in AA. It's about how you deal with your addiction and it sounds like the op's partner isn't where she needs to be.

Holothane · 09/07/2021 11:57

Both sides her I’m dry now and have been 8 years this year, but I still treat every day as I’d only just stopped I have coping mechanisms in place bitter me on all over the home in summer, winter not tempted so much. I lived with my ex who had the binges the benders the worry of those was horrific. Everything was everyone else fault. Today i know I cannot drink and even with my troubles I’ve got a life and sober. Please don’t go down this route.

Holothane · 09/07/2021 11:57

Sorry bitter lemon.

pointythings · 09/07/2021 12:17

Sunshineandflipflops agreed, it's life with an active alcoholic who is in denial that is impossible. My Dsis and her DP are evidence that recovery happens and trust returns if the alcoholic puts in the hard work.

FatCatThinCat · 09/07/2021 12:39

I'm another who's been through this. 5 years married to an alcoholic, 15 years in therapy because of how badly it affected me. Don't do this to youself or your children.

moirarosebabay · 09/07/2021 12:48

@miamiibiza

Is she an alcoholic even if she doesn't drink every day?
Yes absolutely. In a lot of ways an alcoholic who isn't working their recovery is worse as they still have all the dishonesty, selfishness, distorted thinking and snappiness. It's just a matter of time before they need the relief of a drink.
Figgygal · 09/07/2021 12:50

The drunk driving would be the end for me and even worse with kids in the car
She’d already be gone
No excuses

parkerpop · 09/07/2021 13:50

@miamiibiza

Is she an alcoholic even if she doesn't drink every day?

I'd actually say the situation is worse if she's not an alcoholic - otherwise what was the excuse/reason for driving her kids around in the car while drunk??

Ps not for a minute saying that being an alcoholic justifies drink driving