Just found out my DP is an alcoholic

[miamiibiza]

I really need some help and advice here, I'm really struggling 😢

I've been dating a woman since January, thought she was amazing. Could see a future with her, she would tell me that she was going to marry me, that I was the love of her life etc.

For context, I'm a woman too. We each have 2 young children.

A couple of weeks ago, she was acting strangely one day. Turned out she'd been drinking, had picked the children up from school drunk, and then proceeded to drive drunk with them in the car for 2/3 hours.

I had no idea she had a problem with drink. She has since admitted she's an alcoholic and was attending AA before meeting me. She said that she was so happy since being with me that she stopped going to AA.

I love her so much, but I don't know what to do now. How can I stay in a relationship with her, never knowing if she's at work or if she's gone to get a drink? Not being able to trust her to drive my children about etc. I feel absolutely heartbroken 💔

I've been trying so hard to be strong, she swears she will never drink again, that I've given her a reason to be sober. And I desperately want to believe her. The last few days she's been quiet and distant. Won't see me or talk to me. Just will send the odd text telling me she loves me.

I don't know what to do. Any advice gratefully received

As a recovering alcoholic (nearly 8 yrs sober) i would stay well clear. She is in very early stages of recovery (and obviously not taking it seriously enough/ not getting to enough meetings if she feels that she doesn’t need it if she’s feeling ‘happy’ after meeting someone and doesn’t need it. She’s exhibiting massively dangerous and risk taking behaviour when drunk and involving children and drink driving. she also wasn’t honest with you about her drinking and being an alcoholic. At this early stage she needs to be up front and honest about needing to abstain completely from alcohol with people around her. It’s also highly recommended /required that you don’t get involved in sexual / emotional relationships in early sobriety (usually for at least a year) as you need to focus completely on working the steps, working on yourself and getting to a minimum of 3 meetings a week. Usually people do 90 in 90 (90 meetings in 90 days).
She also needs an AA sponsor who can help her.
Basically i wouldn’t recommend anyone get together with anyone who isn’t at least a year sober and can demonstrate a good solid recovery.
Your responsibility is to you and your children.

I've been dating a woman since January, thought she was amazing. Could see a future with her, she would tell me that she was going to marry me, that I was the love of her life etc.

This is called love bombing.

picked the children up from school drunk, and then proceeded to drive drunk

Child welfare concern. And illegal. She could kill someone.

She has since admitted she's an alcoholic

Secrets and lies.

She said she drank to excess that day because she'd stopped taking her anti-depressants. So she was getting the shakes and fidgety. Her logic was that the alcohol would help her feel better.

So she's depressed and on meds. More secrets and lies.

Also complete and utter bullshit lies "reason" for drinking. That's not logical at all. Stop taking antidepressants, feel worse, restart antidepressants let's get pissed that'll fix it!

she swears she will never drink again, that I've given her a reason to be sober.

Setting it up to be "your fault" if she's drunk.

The last few days she's been quiet and distant

Causing you to be tiptoeing round her for fear of setting her off again?

feel like I can't tell my family or friends because I don't want them thinking badly of her

Youre not responsible for her. She's done a bad thing. People should think badly of her. Why do you want to cover this up? Is it because you want to stay with her and if you stay with someone who drink drives your DC people will think badly of you too?

Relationships in early sobriety are very dangerous for sobriety. Like they don't recommend them for the first year and I've seen many times over why.

Me too. I worked in treatment a million years ago when it was called rehab. Every week there would be someone who discovered sex or religion or exercise or love as a 'cure'. It gave them what alcohol gave them... briefly. But the reason they drank was still there, they'd just masked it... briefly.

An alcoholic has to do long, boring, tedious, uncomfortable work to recover. Over a long time. When recovery has to be the only thing they care about. Instead of alcohol. And no one can do the work for them or circumvent the work. I'm so sorry that's the case but it is.

@toobusytothink

Yes I guess op has to put her children first. I have to say I would walk away but my friend had an addiction and her husband just dumped her and she had to sort herself out (which she eventually did). Just think it’s really hard to open up to someone about an addiction and basically ask for help (which is what she needs) and then get dumped as a result. I know nothing about addictions though so I don’t know what the process is. Literally just found out about my friend which is why I’m so interested. She’s been clean for 2 years now so all good but it sounded so tough for her

The help an addict needs is from professional sources. Friends and family can't help the addict and aren't obligated to provide support. Opening up to someone shouldn't be about what that person can do for you, it should be about being honest with them. Your friends DH deserves to know that his DW is an addict. Your friend then has to take the consequences of her actions, both the addiction itself and the deceit in hiding it upto that point.

The only way friends and family can help an addict is by eg not offering them a drink, meeting them in a café instead of the pub, let them borrow a computer to Google for the help services they need, etc. Anything more than that and it's a red flag TBH because their friends and family aren't responsible for the addict (or any other adult) and the only way to beat addiction is for the addict to take responsibility for themselves and their own recovery, with professional support. Trying to make other people responsible is wrong, harmful to everyone involved, and won't work.

People need to do whatever is right for their own health and wellness. That generally means walking away from any relationship with an addict. Men are much better at putting their own health and wellness first than women are. That's partly why in most abusive relationships it's women who are the victims.

Lots of women have misguided notions about what's the right course of action when faced with a problematic partner/friend/family member.

Just look at OP, whose DC have been in a car with a drunk driver and she "doesn't want family and friends to feel badly about" that person who put them at risk, who has started a thread because she "doesn't know what to do" (police, social services and break up). Or yourself, whose first thought is "what can this OP, who has been lied to and her DC put in danger, do best to support her addict partner?".

Your friends DH had the most healthy and sane response to the situation he found himself in.

Yes - she’s an alcoholic even if she doesn’t drink for a year, 10 years.
We can see that in her behaviour. I’m another married to an alcoholic in recovery. I love him dearly but don’t suppose I will really trust him again.
Absolutely agree with @Pinksmyfavoritecolour

I asked her how long she thinks she's had a problem with alcohol. She thinks 15-20 years. She can't see a correlation between that length of addiction versus a recovery. I don't think it will ever be a quick and easy fix.

I was hoping that now she's sobered up, she'd be remorseful. Not to make me go back, but to make me see that it wasn't my fault, and that's she's sorry. I guess I'm probably wanting too much, too soon, or ever maybe.

I want my heart to be made of stone, because then it wouldn't hurt like it does. I can't stop thinking about all the wonderful times we had together. I feel like it's all just been wiped out from under me without me even having a chance to breathe.

Thank you to everyone that has replied. I am reading and digesting each one of your comments

I'm another alcoholic in recovery - over 13 years, but I remember my first sponsor advising me not to think about relationships until I'd been sober for a year .... and then to get a plant, and then a goldfish. Even now, I make it very clear early on that alcohol and I don't agree. I'm perfectly comfortable in pubs and around others drinking, but I wasn't for a long time.

We say that we must put our sobriety as the single most important priority in our lives. Before absolutely anything else - in fact, it should occupy as important a position as alcohol did. Anything we put before our sobriety, we stand to lose and I was reminded of this when you said that she'd stopped going to AA meetings after starting a relationship with you.

It's sad and I feel huge empathy for her. We call alcoholism the disease of forgetting, because unless we keep up meetings, steps, service etc it's so easy for us to convince ourselves that it wasn't all that bad, that we can deal with it.

And no, alcoholics don't necessarily drink every day. They can be dry for weeks or months. Then something, often some trivial thought or word or feeling, changes that and a relapse can start seemingly from nowhere. One drink is too many and a thousand not enough.

It's the lack of honesty which shows that she's not accepted her powerlessness over alcohol (only for want of a better word; I know that AA doesn't suit everyone).

How old is she op? She sounds terribly immature to not even show remorse, if for nothing else than lying to you.
Have you ended the relationship with her?

If she's battled with alcohol for 15-20 years she's well versed in this and her children clearly aren't enough of a reason to stay sober, so how can someone she's known for 6 months be?
You say you have two children, if one of your children brought her home as their prospective partner how would you feel? Would you want your child to be with an alcoholic? She's an addict which she needs help for but she's a liar also and that was a choice. She lied to you, she allowed you and your children to forge relationships with her and her children (I assume) all along she knew she was an alcoholic and that was her choosing. For me it's unforgivable- the lies the deceit but also the fact you will never ever trust her. Not ever.
I was with an addict (gambling) each time he went to the toilet or every to cook dinner I would be checking to see if he was on his phone, he could have been looking at recipes or scrolling social media but the fact is I never trusted him and believe me a life with no trust is no life. Not for you or your DC.

Just wanted to give an update incase anyone wanted to hear it.

In a nutshell, it's been horrific. She attempted suicide twice when I said I shouldn't be with her. It was frightening and so terribly scary and sad.

I said I'd be a friend to her, a support. She kept saying that without me she had nothing to fight for. And of course I still loved her so I wanted to help.

She went on multiple benders which always including driving her children around drunk, and denying the alcohol consumption.

Fast forward to August and she went into rehab. Her mum paid for it because the family were at the end of their tether. They didn't know what else to do.

This is where I think the situation becomes more twisted. For the first 2 weeks of rehab she would phone me each day. She only got 10 minutes on her phone so would phone her children and then me. It was obvious that she loved me and missed me. And I guess I got sucked in. I was so hopeful that the rehab would fix her and we could go back to how things were in the beginning, pre that first bender. She kept saying that she's getting better to give us the life she'd originally planned, that she'd never loved anyone like she loved me, that she couldn't wait to see me.

The third week she became distant, saying that she had been told she shouldn't be in a relationship, that she needed to focus on her recovery and her children. This did upset me as I thought I had been really helpful with regards to her recovery. I'd taken her to AA meetings, researched ways of supporting an alcoholic etc.

But then the 4th and last week, she ignored me completely. I asked if she loved me, nothing. She's home now, and there is no communication at all. I'm broken, I'm lost, I don't know what to do. I mean I know what the sensible thing to do is, I need to just walk away. But how do I stop it hurting? How do I get through? I can't eat or sleep. Just crying and broken.

I feel it's all so unfair. I fell in love with an addict, tried to help her, and now just dumped like I mean nothing. How can a person change their feelings so quickly?
Please can someone tell me a magic cure for heartbreak because I truly need it

You know you have to draw a line under this whole relationship and walk away

That old cliche of time being a healer is true I'm afraid - and in time you will realise that you had no choice but to walk away from this.

For your and your children's sake, DO NOT have any further contact with her. NONE.

Block her on every channel. Focus on you and your children.

She lied to you for the entire duration of your relationship. The person you thought she was, she was not. And never can or will be.

You will get through this OP but only if you clean break now. Do not have this person in your children's lives.

I’m really sorry for your pain and hurt. It’s for the best though and it seems that she is finally doing what is right for her sobriety and her children. She is also doing what it seems you couldn’t despite all the advice you were given and your common sense and instinct. I don't say that to hurt you but to show you how alluring, convincing and wonderful an addict can be when they are in a better place (albeit temporarily potentially) and how easy it is to get wrapped up in being over involved in someone’s else’s recovery journey, trying to rescue them and sliding into enabling them.. I responded to you previously as i am a recovering alcoholic (nearly 8 years!), and explained that it’s vital that an addict is not involved with anyone in early sobriety. (no relationships for at least a year of good continuous sobriety, working steps with a sponsor and doing a regular meetings.) Your ex will have so much to work on, staying sober and looking after her kids will be more than she can handle for a long while. Its the most full on, challenging and brutal process.. She is going to have to deal with some major stuff to get sober. If you love or care for her, stay strong and leave her alone and let her do this. This is life or death stuff. She could die or kill someone. AA saved my life and made it one worth living. I now have a husband and a child that have never known me drunk or in active addiction. I would honestly seriously question any individual who wanted to be romantically involved with me i’m the last couple of years drinking. I was a mess, emotionally, physically financially.. i was capable of occasional bursts of normality and being vibrant and attractive and interesting but it didn’t last as you can’t hold back the crazy too long.. the mask would slip and at that point. people usually run a mile. As they should.

I say this with real care and concern, you might need to talk to someone; al anon, a counsellor or similar to look at why you would consider it positive or healthy to get involved with someone at this point in their life. Someone in the real depths of alcoholism.. Do you have a history of being attracted or pursuing unavailable inappropriate people? Codependency? Low self esteem?

Please look after yourself, you must be so hurt and sad but like she needs to, you need to put yourself first and heal and get back to your normal life without all the insanity. She has to deal with it but you don’t. Be very very grateful for that xx

If there weren't children involved, I would say IF it was a once time lapse and IF she went back to AA etc it might be worth another go.
But you have children. They don't need to be around an addict (that's what she is). It's a horrible life, I lived it as a child.
Cut your losses. Protect your children.

Please can someone tell me a magic cure for heartbreak because I truly need it

Put your kids first. That’s all you need to know.

All this drama and angst is damaging you and, by that, them

You had a life before this drastic mistake you made to get caught up with an addict. You can find it again…if you really want to.

It might be helpful to speak to a recovering alcoholic and ask them what the chances of sustaining a relationship with an alcoholic is

Fucking hell what a load of drama. I really feel for you OP but this woman has far too many issues to be in a healthy relationship, don't make them yours / your children's too x

I think you have to realise that you will just have to go through the pain of heartbreak.
And actually you should be angrier at her, she’s used you to mask her feelings and to paper over her problems,
But because its an addiction you feel more sympathetic towards her
Get angry. Get upset

She's right - she cannot be in a relationship because if she's serious about recovery then that has to be her everything.

You need to let go and grieve. I advise you again - seek out a support group for relatives of addicts. You need help to detach from this relationship and rebuild your life. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but it was pretty much inevitable. Detach from her with love, take care of yourself and move forward with the rest of your life.