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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH waking me up

232 replies

DHandInterview · 07/07/2021 05:58

Is it okay for your DH to wake you up early on a morning? Say you had to be up at 7 for work but DH wakes you up at 5:30, because he likes to get up then. Is that something that other couples do too or is it something you would be annoyed about?

OP posts:
EndofMyTeather12 · 07/07/2021 23:42

🚩

SpringCrocus · 07/07/2021 23:45

@DHandInterview

Please, please re read some of your old threads. Particularly the one about feeling in prison. Remind yourself of all he has done to you, and all the lies he has fed you.

mathanxiety · 07/07/2021 23:54

Your H is unhinged and probably very dangerous, @DHandInterview.

He does not see you as a living, breathing human being at all. You are an extension of his personality as far as he is concerned. It would take absolutely nothing for him to seriously harm you, or worse.

Can you not see what everyone who has read your threads sees?

Newestname001 · 08/07/2021 00:32

@billy1966

This isn't the lovely childless OP from last year living and working with an absolute horror, who bailed from taking up a much wanted teaching college place?

I remember her - she was so close to getting away but so scared of him. I often think of her and wonder if she ever managed to escape. 🌹

Slimmingstar · 08/07/2021 00:42

We have separate rooms but would never wake the other up, other than bringing a cup of tea if you know the other is awake and it’s not too early for them that day. Your DH sounds like a prick

Shuffleuplove · 08/07/2021 00:48

He’s an abusive DICK

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 08/07/2021 00:52

@billy1966

This isn't the lovely childless OP from last year living and working with an absolute horror, who bailed from taking up a much wanted teaching college place?

I have wondered what happened to her.
She had to sit by him as he worked.

Batshit stuff.

Oh lord, this poor woman. I remember her other threads and have that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach again
lemmein · 08/07/2021 00:55

If my DP woke me up because he 'missed me' he'd have to get used to missing me for the rest of his life! Honestly, even imagining him saying those words makes me feel nauseous - nob!

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2021 01:08

Oh lord, this poor woman. I remember her other threads and have that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach again

Yes.

OP you feel like you're in prison BECAUSE YOU ARE. Except the guards don't wake you at 5.30am in prison.

CantHaveTooMuchChocolate · 08/07/2021 01:12

he will wake me up either by asking me to get up

Wow that’s absolutely unacceptable, so utterly selfish it’s breathtaking. I’d be livid.

caringcarer · 08/07/2021 01:29

My dh would not dare wake me up unless he had a lot of tea for me and certainly not before 7.30am unless house on fire. Your DH is being very selfish and actually sleep deprivation is a well known torture technique.

Famousinlove · 08/07/2021 01:29

If my DP woke me up at any time because he wants a cuddle, he would be getting his cuddling apparatus shoved where the sun don't shine

Who cares if he calls you lazy? You're an adult and can be as lazy as you want!

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/07/2021 01:35

@DHandInterview

Most days he wakes me up about 6:15-6:30 which I can just about manage with but when he wakes me up at 5:30 I can't function properly through the day and it affects my work. How can I get him to listen to me and not wake me up? I feel like he always thinks his own wants/needs are more important than mine he thinks I should get up early because it's more virtuous or something, he thinks it's lazy to stay in bed until 7.
Be blunt.

"If you wake me early tomorrow morning, be prepared to be told to fuck off. I need to sleep. You know sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture, right? So why are you torturing me? It makes me tired all day and difficult to function.Why would you do that to me? Don't you love me?"

QueenBee52 · 08/07/2021 02:20

He would be an EX...

this is abusive controlling bullshit OP and makes me feel a rage just reading it..

BlueLorikeet · 08/07/2021 02:30

My husband kept me sleep-deprived for years. Snoring, night-time couching due to excessive smoking, loud message notifications at night (his family in friends are in UK and we are in Australia, so due to time difference when it is night here his FB keeps binging but he refused to switch the sound notifications off - they don't bother him so mustn't bother me either according to him).

Ear plugs didn't help. He refused to consider anything for his snoring either. Got annoyed when I tried to roll him over or pull his pillow to get him to turn his head - would kick, or vigorously shake my pillow in revenge, or respond with loud "WHAT?!!!" which would guarantee that I'm not able to quickly go back to sleep after that for a while.

Don't know why I put up with this for so long. Guess I was conditioned to avoid doing or saying anything that would cause him to be displeased. When I complained in the morning he'd be annoyed or angry, so I was sort of avoiding to bring it up over and over. Or was it just a mental fog from constant sleep-deprivation maybe? I can see it clearly now - I should have firmly stated that this is not acceptable, and anything other than prompt and sincere apology plus appropriate action would mean LTB, right? So easy now... but somehow unthinkable back then...

Anyway. One of those nights he got particularly annoyed with me being woken up by his snoring for the fifth time and tugging on his pillow to get him to roll over. He yelled at me to F@# off. And then it finally clicked, so I did exactly what he asked - F@#d off. Got up, took my pillow, moved to another room. Never slept in the same bed with him. Two+ years of blissful, uninterrupted sleep, in a bed that's all mine and all to myself)))

He threw tantrum over tantrum because of this. "This is not a family! This is dysfunctional! Married couples sleep together! I can't take this any more! I feel not loved" blah blah... In the beginning I was repeating over and over "It's not that I don't love you, I just need my sleep". Tried to explain about sleep deprivation and how horrible it is. Useless. Still kept on with this tantrums. Did make me see in the end how little he cared about me, my health, what the sleep deprivation must do to me etc. He couldn't care less. Just wanted his "married couples sleep together" thing.

Finally, told him last year that I want a divorce. He's super-nice now, but it is too late.

Tiari · 08/07/2021 02:41

Good for you @BlueLorikeet
Same here, and I put up with it for nearly 20 years for some reason!!?
Now have a lovely caring dh Smile

Lili132 · 08/07/2021 07:16

@theworldsbiggestcrocodile

I love waking up with my DP. He leaves earlier than me but we wake up together and have a chat or more often than not a lovely bunk up before the kids get up. It's honestly the best part of my day. I get that people need their sleep but maybe OP's husband just wants to see her a bit before the day begins so it could be seen as nice thing?
It does not matter if you think it's nice of if that's what OP's partner thinks. OP made it clear that she needs her sleep and doesn't want to be woken up. That's all that matters. Nobody has a right to cross the boundaries of the other person just because they want to.
ImprobablePuffin · 08/07/2021 08:30

How was last night and this morning OP? Are you alright? X

billy1966 · 08/07/2021 08:44

@BlueLorikeet

Well done👏

What a horror.

Is he moving out?
What stage of the divorce are you at?

BlueLorikeet · 08/07/2021 08:54

@billy1966
Thanks for asking. Last year I told him I want to separate he begged me to stay. Not to stay in the relationship - just continue living together until kids grow up.

He's nice now. We weren't a good couple, but we are an ok-roommates. Sleeps in a different room, pays half of the living costs, brings cups of tea. Youngest is 14 so I can manage with this for another 2-3-4 years I suppose, if he doesn't turn bitter or angry - let's see...

billy1966 · 08/07/2021 09:01

What a waste.

What is it with these bully men that they have to be such horrors and then suddenly can turn it off when they go too far.

Don't trust him.
Make your own plans and protect yourself.

Also make sure he isn't using this time to hide his finances.

Wishing you well.Flowers

BlueLorikeet · 08/07/2021 09:12

"Also make sure he isn't using this time to hide his finances"

Oh, I wish he would!
Wish he would have something to hide... :-D

sorry for the OT)

Wrotten · 08/07/2021 10:12

OP, if you are the poster I (and many others) think you are, I hope you carry on posting about the abuse this man makes you suffer. And I hope every time you do, you get that little closer to leaving him.

And when you do finally leave, there will be a load of us here cheering you on.

Good luck.

KatherineJaneway · 08/07/2021 12:35

@theworldsbiggestcrocodile

I love waking up with my DP. He leaves earlier than me but we wake up together and have a chat or more often than not a lovely bunk up before the kids get up. It's honestly the best part of my day. I get that people need their sleep but maybe OP's husband just wants to see her a bit before the day begins so it could be seen as nice thing?
If you read the OP's other posts, it is clear this is nothing to do with wanting 'together time' and all about control and life being exactly how he wants it.
19Bears · 08/07/2021 13:02

Christ @BlueLorikeet this sounds exactly like my situation.

I got to a point where I just needed to sleep and started bunking in with my kids. After a few nights I had him complaining about it, so I went back in with him only to lie there listening to him snoring all night. When I said I was just so tired and couldn't sleep, he said I should go to the doctors as it 'must be medical.' Oh yeah, my medical problem that YOU are snoring!!! Then one night when I got into bed and he was already there, quietly and gently I might add, not sniffing loudly and bouncing around like he does, he dragged the covers off me and started going off at me like a madman saying I should go somewhere else if I don't like his snoring.

He threw tantrum over tantrum because of this. "This is not a family! This is dysfunctional! Married couples sleep together! I can't take this any more! I feel not loved" blah blah... In the beginning I was repeating over and over "It's not that I don't love you, I just need my sleep". Tried to explain about sleep deprivation and how horrible it is. Useless. Still kept on with this tantrums. Did make me see in the end how little he cared about me, my health, what the sleep deprivation must do to me etc. He couldn't care less. Just wanted his "married couples sleep together" thing.

This is what struck me most about your post OP. "Married couples sleep together." This is EXACTLY what he said.
Well, what is the fing point when we haven't had sex or even cuddled or touched in 10 years???? What is the fing point?

I hope you get your freedom and your sleep soon OP x