DH waking me up

[DHandInterview]

Is it okay for your DH to wake you up early on a morning? Say you had to be up at 7 for work but DH wakes you up at 5:30, because he likes to get up then. Is that something that other couples do too or is it something you would be annoyed about?

This is abusive behaviour. What's the rest of the relationship like?

Fuck that.

LTB

Awful! Why the hell have you put up with this?

Tell him when you go to bed, do not wake me up. That's all. If he starts to argue repeat "Do not wake me up."
If he ignored you and wakes you up, sleep elsewhere without any explanation. Then do something like going out for a walk without him.

He sounds horrendous. What does he add to your life?

How can I get him to listen to me and not wake me up?
You can’t. You can: sleep in a spare room with a lock on the door, eye mask on and earplugs; tell him you will LTB if he does it again – and actually follow through with this otherwise he’ll just do it forever cos you’ve got nothing; AIR HORN right in his face, every night at 2am. “Because I miss you!”

My DH works shifts and comes and goes at all hours. He left at 5.30am today. We have a spare room specially set up for him to sleep in on shift with all clothes/uniform etc and he leaves silently. What your DH is doing is unpleasant and controlling. He’s repeatedly ignoring your wishes and making your day harder.

He sounds like an idiot, getting up at 7am is perfectly normal and not waking someone up at 5.30am unless they need to be up super early is common sense!

Tell him straight to pack this in it’s really seriously not on.

If dh did this, which he wouldn't, I would properly lose my shit. The next time I'd boot him out of the bedroom to sleep on the sofa and put a lock on the bedroom door.

He's a dick.

You have to tell him in no uncertain terms that it is abusive to think his opinions matter more than yours and it is affecting the whole relationship. To be honest I can't believe that anyone who does this more than once, after being asked not to, is going to make a good life's partner. I would be seriously thinking how best to leave him

No, that’s very selfish and/or controlling. I would sleep in a separate room until he stops. And don’t let him deflect by saying ‘I’m only trying to cuddle you’. That’s a tactic.

I remember your previous posts about him and this is just the tip of the iceberg, isn’t it? Your life will only improve when you leave him.

I couldn't put up with this! I get up at 6am every week day morning for work, but at the weekend and in the school holidays I sleep in, sometimes til 10am!! My husband is an early riser, always up and downstairs by 7am every weekend day, but he would never dream of waking me up. He respects me too much and knows I need the sleep, and I'm an adult and can make my own decisions!

In your situation I would have to seriously consider whether to stay or not as this shows a huge disrespect of your personal choices and physical needs.

If he was my husband he would die.

Can you move to another bedroom? He sounds really selfish

@DHandInterview

He'll either try and be cute and say he missed me, or he needed help with something, or he'll say sorry but then do it again the next time anyway.

Tell him to grow the fuck up, he not 5 and he can cope by himself in the morning.

And I say this as someone who has insomnia and regularly is up any time from 4am and would never dream of waking up DH.

Does he go to bed before you, if he does I may be incline to wake him up every time you go to bed until he understands how annoying it to be disturb when sleeping.

Hell no. For one in this house (and with Exdh) when the DC arrived sleep was like currency , it was traded , bargained and worth more than anything expensive in this house. Woe betide anyone other than a baby or a toddler who interrupted sleep.

I can't bear the arrogance in those who arbitrarily decide something is " lazy" for absolutely no reason. Its just honestly silly and makes me kind of wonder why they think that view is at all valid.

I'm not sure my way of dealing with it is the best really because it would be the nuclear option if I'm honest.

A sit down discussion that explains he is being arrogant, borderline controlling. That the ridiculous "misses me" line is see through , ridiculous and makes me think less of him for being needy and if he wakes me up again for any of the reasons you stated above , in fact if he wakes me again for anything beyond a fire or actual emergency I will be seriously reviewing whether I want to be with him. I would really give him both barrels. Be clear this stops , now , or he is putting the relationship at risk. If he tries it again I would outright ask when I opened my eyed why he was being arrogant and ridiculous then turn over and go back to sleep (even if you can't I would turn over and make a point).

But like I say ....this would be a massively unacceptable behaviour in this house.

Since this is a form of controlling behaviour which is a form of domestic abuse you can't just get him to understand. He understands but he's doing it anyway, because he wants to. Is he controlling in other areas of life?

Yeah but don't you all know by now, men are so much more important???
OP, get single beds and make sure he knows why

This is awful OP! DH’s alarm goes off at 6.30 which can’t be helped as he starts work early but he would never deliberately wake me up.

When I wake up I love to open the curtains and blinds, crack a window open if it hasn't been on vent at night and let in the light. In the week this is fine as Dh's alarm goes off 5 minutes before mine and he can be in the bathroom before I do this. Our room is pitch black for sleeping.

On a weekend there is no way I would selfishly disturb Dh's sleep. I will lie here on my phone until he wakes up naturally or leave the room very quietly and go downstairs. Once he is awake I will make him a coffee.

Waking someone up when they have told you in no uncertain terms to leave you sleeping is crossing your boundaries. Ask him how he would feel if you woke him at 3am? You need your sleep, it is subjective and sleep deprivation is hell on earth. This isn't even a child waking you but a grown man who is putting his feelings above yours about your body. It is worrying.

No way! As a consequence of him having to get up for work, and this waking you up, fair enough, can't be helped. But deliberately waking you up is not on. He sounds very needy.

I'm currently getting dressed (in between Mumsnetting) in the spare bedroom so that my husband doesn't wake up before he has too.

My guess is that this is just the tip of the iceberg regarding your relationship Op.

You need separate rooms with a lock on your door. It’s brilliant.

No he should get up as quietly as he can and leave you alone ...my husband gets up very early for work....he leaves the bed and the room..gets dressed etc in another room .