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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH waking me up

232 replies

DHandInterview · 07/07/2021 05:58

Is it okay for your DH to wake you up early on a morning? Say you had to be up at 7 for work but DH wakes you up at 5:30, because he likes to get up then. Is that something that other couples do too or is it something you would be annoyed about?

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 07/07/2021 12:47

WTF! Why on earth is he doing this? He sounds like a child. Tell him to grow up.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/07/2021 12:54

My DP learned early on - woe betide anyone who wakes me up before I’m ready!

I struggle to get back to sleep so when he would set (and snooze) multiple alarms for 7am, 7.10, 7.20, 7.30 etc and still didn’t get out of bed until 8.30 I would be fucking livid, because he’d fall straight back to sleep in between them and I’d be tossing and turning getting ever more angry waiting for the next fucking alarm - getting annoyed now just thinking about it!!

The other night he couldn’t sleep so started using his phone in bed. The bright light woke me up at 2.30 and I couldn’t get back to sleep until 6!! Was so annoyed but of course couldn’t make a fuss as I know he didn’t do that on purpose and he was apologetic about that one.

In my book, waking people up unnecessarily is really rude and should be punishable by death

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/07/2021 13:01

Having read your updates OP this is really awful. He’s not even accidentally waking you up like the clumsy oafs “accidentally” kicking the bed or banging drawers (inconsiderate at best, spiteful at worst). This is a concerted effort to keep you exhausted - probably because then you won’t have the energy, mental or physical, to plot your escape from him.

Please listen to those who have experienced this type of abuse before - sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason. It stops you from being able to function properly, as you’ve found.

Why would someone who’s supposed to love you want to do that?

Ask yourself if he’d repeatedly asked you to stop doing something, would you?

Xuli · 07/07/2021 13:03

OP, you know this is a drop in the ocean compared to what else your DH does to control you.

I sense that the frequent posts about each thing are a sign you are building up to realise you need to leave him. I wish you all the strength as you start to get there x

2bazookas · 07/07/2021 13:45

@DHandInterview

Most days he wakes me up about 6:15-6:30 which I can just about manage with but when he wakes me up at 5:30 I can't function properly through the day and it affects my work. How can I get him to listen to me and not wake me up? I feel like he always thinks his own wants/needs are more important than mine he thinks I should get up early because it's more virtuous or something, he thinks it's lazy to stay in bed until 7.
Your marital problem is not about how many hours sleep either of you needs. 
You married a self-centred bastard.  You have three options:

Teach him to be  more considerate and kind
Teach yourself to be a flatter doormat
 LTB.
Iggly · 07/07/2021 13:49

@DHandInterview

Most days he wakes me up about 6:15-6:30 which I can just about manage with but when he wakes me up at 5:30 I can't function properly through the day and it affects my work. How can I get him to listen to me and not wake me up? I feel like he always thinks his own wants/needs are more important than mine he thinks I should get up early because it's more virtuous or something, he thinks it's lazy to stay in bed until 7.
Explain your feelings. Ultimately it is highly unattractive and will lead to resentment. He needs to know that.
osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/07/2021 13:50

This man would never have made to the getting married stage. The first time he did this would be the last.

MadMadMadamMim · 07/07/2021 13:59

I'm so angry on your behalf.

It's utterly manipulative and controlling. Why does he think he should be in charge of when you get up? The only possible answer is because he's a controlling dickhead.

It's not cute to try and cuddle someone or miss them so much you have to wake them up. It's a red flag to an abusive man who thinks he owns you and your body and your wishes can be overridden every single time he feels like it. The lip service of saying sorry when you get annoyed is pathetic.

I'd speak to him one more time and tell him that if he came and woke me before I appeared downstairs one more time that I would assume he was deliberately trying to end his marriage and would be consulting a solicitor.

I would not continue struggling at work, and struggling with tiredness because of some utter tosser.

NewlyGranny · 07/07/2021 13:59

OP, what would happen if you screamed every time he did this? Not screaming at him, with words, but just a long, loud, wordless primal scream, and then got back under the covers? And screamed again every time he disturbs or tries to rouse you?

Later you could easily deny all memory of it and say, perhaps, that the persistent sleep deprivation was giving you nightmares or night terrors?

lottiegarbanzo · 07/07/2021 14:19

I think if she screamed, she would suffer a violent response.

SpringCrocus · 07/07/2021 14:31

You know it's abusive, as are all the things he does. You have posted so many times about his horrific behaviour, please, please you need to get away from him asap.

billy1966 · 07/07/2021 15:06

I never bother looking for previous posts but this type of behaviour is abusive.

It is absolutely deliberate.

@SpringCrocus is saying it is part of a pattern?

No surprise there.

catsareme14 · 07/07/2021 15:08

My ex used to do this . He would also make me full English breakfast at 6 . Rose on tray , the lot . Trouble is I told him repeatedly that I couldn't eat at that time & didn't want to be woken . All about control . Sulked for days if I didn't eat it and show suitable gratitude. Arse !!

AryaStarkWolf · 07/07/2021 15:19

My DH gets up 2 hours before me and he literally creeps around the bedroom trying not to wake me up because he's not an asshole. I would be raging if he purposely woke me every morning at the crack of dawn when i don't need to get up anywhere near the time he does

NowEvenBetter · 07/07/2021 16:05

How else does this man control you OP? You know you don’t have to accept it.

NowEvenBetter · 07/07/2021 16:07

Ah right, saw one of your other threads. Obviously divorce the scumbag. No reason not to get it started today and look forward to actually living your life.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/07/2021 16:09

@billy1966

I never bother looking for previous posts but this type of behaviour is abusive.

It is absolutely deliberate.

@SpringCrocus is saying it is part of a pattern?

No surprise there.

Yep. It's never in a vacuum.
SpringCrocus · 07/07/2021 16:25

I haven't searched previous posts, but I recognise the OP, from previous (horrific) threads, I think.

And I hope she can get free of this vile, controlling, bully and taste real freedom, very soon.

Colourmeclear · 07/07/2021 20:26

My ex used to put the main bedroom light on when he got up at 5 am. He was extremely petulant, if he had to get up early then I had to wake up early too. It's disrespectful and tortuous if it lasts very long.

Eddielzzard · 07/07/2021 20:30

Abusive. Sleep deprivation is horrific, this is not ok. I remember your other threads. I hope you find your way to escape him Flowers

Strikethrough · 07/07/2021 20:38

OP, this behaviour from him is abusive - sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason.

Tell him that from now on you are sleeping in separate bedrooms because you cannot trust him not to wake you up. Consider whether rmrhisnis the tip of an iceberg - a man who is so willing to treat you so badly in one way is surely doing it in other ways too, no one who repeatedly does this is a lovely guy in all other ways.

CrystalMaisie · 07/07/2021 20:39

Just in case no one else has mentioned it, The Freedom Programme might be good for you.

M61095 · 07/07/2021 20:45

I'd be fuming..

Babygotblueyes · 07/07/2021 20:53

@DHandInterview

Most days he wakes me up about 6:15-6:30 which I can just about manage with but when he wakes me up at 5:30 I can't function properly through the day and it affects my work. How can I get him to listen to me and not wake me up? I feel like he always thinks his own wants/needs are more important than mine he thinks I should get up early because it's more virtuous or something, he thinks it's lazy to stay in bed until 7.
Make him sleep in the spare room/on the sofa and put a lock on the bedroom door. Totally selfish. I have noticed a lot of early risers seem to feel morally superior to those of us who get up later. No idea why they should feel that way, but it is pretty common in my experience.
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2021 20:57

If he was my DH he wouldn't be for much longer.

You could try when...i feel...because...please

When you wake me before 7 I feel angry, tired and upset, because I need my sleep and it's my body, please never wake me before 7 unless there's a serious emergency.

If he does it again, he is communicating that he doesn't care about you. Bye bye LTB.