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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH waking me up

232 replies

DHandInterview · 07/07/2021 05:58

Is it okay for your DH to wake you up early on a morning? Say you had to be up at 7 for work but DH wakes you up at 5:30, because he likes to get up then. Is that something that other couples do too or is it something you would be annoyed about?

OP posts:
HereIfYouNeedMe · 07/07/2021 20:58

I don't even let my DS wake me up at 05:30 😂 wtf is he doing?? DH works earlies, up at 05:20, I'll wake up at 6 and he's already gone. Not a peep.
Bizarre behaviour

Dreamingofbeergardens · 07/07/2021 21:10

@MarkRuffaloCrumble your DP sounds like mine! He used to set multiple alarms to 'wake himself up' before his actual alarm. He slept through them all but I would wake up! I've put a stop to that nonsense Grin
But the fact that the OP is deliberately woken up is just cruel.

YellowSunshineSky · 07/07/2021 21:12

My DH wakes at 5.30 or 6, I wake at 9. He knows I wouldn't put up with it if he woke me up. Like you I would struggle with that early time.

We've started sleeping in different rooms so he's not kept awake by me reading at night. We keep totally different hours.

Your DH has to stop waking you, it's mean.

worktrip · 07/07/2021 21:12

Sleep in another room and say you won't come back until he stops that shit.

RandomMess · 07/07/2021 21:15

Either we'd be divorced or he'd be dead under a newly built patio.

Sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture!!

diamondpony80 · 07/07/2021 21:16

This would cause very serious issues in our relationship if DH tried to do this. He goes through phases of getting up at 5am and leaves the room as quietly as possible. He naturally needs 6-7 hours of sleep whereas I work better on 7-8. It’s very controlling of a guy to expect you to be up just because he is. He’s basically not even giving you autonomy over your own body if he’s choosing how long you get to sleep.

mathanxiety · 07/07/2021 21:21

Waking a partner from sleep is a recognized form of abuse.

Do you have a spare room with a key? If you do, I would sleep there if I were you.

Given your other thread, I would be planning to separate.

FinallyHere · 07/07/2021 21:29

How can I get him to listen to me and not wake me up? I feel like he always thinks his own wants/needs are more important

I think you have sussed him. He honestly thinks his needs take priority over yours.

Sorry, he's not a keeper.

Lizzie523 · 07/07/2021 21:34

I agree that this is abusive behaviour. I had an ex who woke up and then I got up same time as I couldn't get back to sleep

Sorry OP but where is your backbone? Why can't you tell him simply to cut it out. Are you afraid of him?

billy1966 · 07/07/2021 21:42

This isn't the lovely childless OP from last year living and working with an absolute horror, who bailed from taking up a much wanted teaching college place?

I have wondered what happened to her.
She had to sit by him as he worked.

Batshit stuff.

ahoyshipmates · 07/07/2021 21:59

@DHandInterview

Most days he wakes me up about 6:15-6:30 which I can just about manage with but when he wakes me up at 5:30 I can't function properly through the day and it affects my work. How can I get him to listen to me and not wake me up? I feel like he always thinks his own wants/needs are more important than mine he thinks I should get up early because it's more virtuous or something, he thinks it's lazy to stay in bed until 7.
If my dh woke me up at that time in the morning for no other reason than he wanted me to be awake, I'd be absolutely livid and would tell him so in no uncertain terms.

By the way, did you know that deliberate sleep deprivation is considered to be torture?

By doing this he is abusing you.

AgentJohnson · 07/07/2021 22:42

Is he bothersome and smothering in other aspects of your relationship as well?

This

He missed you! Is he five? DD knew from 3 years old not to wake me before 7 am. Controlling, juvenile twat.

nocoolnamesleft · 07/07/2021 22:45

Deliberate sleep deprivation is torture.

WillowGrand · 07/07/2021 22:47

How do you stop him doing it?? What are you doing now, nicely telling him or something?

I’d stop him by quite frankly screaming at him and telling him if he does it one more time I would be cutting his bollocks off and making him move the fuck out…

SpringCrocus · 07/07/2021 22:57

billy1966
This isn't the lovely childless OP from last year living and working with an absolute horror, who bailed from taking up a much wanted teaching college place?
I have wondered what happened to her.
She had to sit by him as he worked.
Batshit stuff.

@billy1966
Think so, from this and the other thread. Hopefully she resisted his attempts to make her lose weight via a gastric band op , that she didn't want. 😢😢😢

billy1966 · 07/07/2021 23:02

@SpringCrocus

*billy1966 This isn't the lovely childless OP from last year living and working with an absolute horror, who bailed from taking up a much wanted teaching college place? I have wondered what happened to her. She had to sit by him as he worked. Batshit stuff.*

@billy1966
Think so, from this and the other thread. Hopefully she resisted his attempts to make her lose weight via a gastric band op , that she didn't want. 😢😢😢

Oh no, that poor woman. Wasting her life on him. So sad. Thanks @SpringCrocus
EarthSight · 07/07/2021 23:08

@DHandInterview

Most days he wakes me up about 6:15-6:30 which I can just about manage with but when he wakes me up at 5:30 I can't function properly through the day and it affects my work. How can I get him to listen to me and not wake me up? I feel like he always thinks his own wants/needs are more important than mine he thinks I should get up early because it's more virtuous or something, he thinks it's lazy to stay in bed until 7.
I think it's sad that you even have to ask Mumsnet about this. What he's doing is cruel and selfish. You can really negatively affect someone's mood, health and wellbeing with sleep deprivation, even trigger a depression. Pretty sure that deliberate sleep deprivation is a form of torture - he's just doing it bit by bit.

I don't think this is just about him thinking it's lazy that you're sleeping until 7 (wtff??). It's about the fact that he's resentful that he has to get up earlier so everyone else must therefore suffer as well. It's the opposite or caring or loving, no matter how he dresses it up. It's just twisted.

TheArtfulCodger · 07/07/2021 23:11

Yes I was thinking it must be the same OP. Hopefully one day she will find the strength to leave.

OP, many years ago I had a friend in your situation. We met about once a month and the conversation was always the same. She was so unhappy and I used to say "one day you will leave him and find a better life, and you'll wish you'd done it years ago". Well she did, she left and met a lovely man and they married and had a little boy. She then tragically died in a car crash when her little boy was 3 years old. Life is short OP, you really need to make a decision and get out there and live your life.

magsbagsfags · 07/07/2021 23:16

@RosesandPumpkins

I’d be telling him to fuck off at 5.30 am
Too right. But my DH would never do this.

OP, your 'D'H is a selfish twat. Tell him to pack it in or move out

RowanAlong · 07/07/2021 23:18

That’s weird, rude and unacceptable! He should let you sleep!

RainbowMumzy · 07/07/2021 23:19

@DHandInterview

It's not accidental, he will wake me up either by asking me to get up or sometimes trying to kiss and cuddle me.
Oh fuck no.
Meggymoo777 · 07/07/2021 23:19

I would have him under the patio! 🤣 Seriously though, this would be a major issue for me. My BF sometimes leaves for work before I'm up, brings me tea really quietly and gives me a very light kiss on the forehead... I love this because it doesn't rouse me completely but when I do wake up I see the (stone cold) tea and remember the kiss and it makes me smile. But... if he tried to walk me properly... I would throw the nearest object in reach at him!

Why does he not accept it when you tell him not to wake you? This is really overstepping a boundary. I've just told my 11yr old that I won't be up before 10am tomorrow as I'm off and even at that age he will tip toe around the house so as not to wake me. I think you need to have one final, very stern word with him about mornings and after that I would honestly be considering how much he respects your wishes.

RainbowMumzy · 07/07/2021 23:29

Seriously, men like this make my vagina want to shrivel up and heal over.

daytriptovulcan · 07/07/2021 23:29

He sounds a bit malicious

Dillydollydingdong · 07/07/2021 23:32

I'd be furious. He's being selfish. Why would he need you to be up just because he's up?