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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH waking me up

232 replies

DHandInterview · 07/07/2021 05:58

Is it okay for your DH to wake you up early on a morning? Say you had to be up at 7 for work but DH wakes you up at 5:30, because he likes to get up then. Is that something that other couples do too or is it something you would be annoyed about?

OP posts:
ExplodingCarrots · 07/07/2021 07:21

The fact that you've told him to stop and he carries on tells you everything you need to know. He's trying to control you and your sleep.

parkerpop · 07/07/2021 07:24

@Jumpingintosummer

He misses you?! That alone would be such a turn off, he sounds demanding, selfish and pathetic at the same time.

Even reading that gives me the ick.

How long have you been with him and has this only just started or have you been tolerating it for years?

warmfluffytowels · 07/07/2021 07:27

@Blueskytoday06

I think it's cute he wants to cuddle you.

I'm a fidgeter and often wake dp up - he never whinges.

It's not at all cute. Deliberately depriving someone of sleep is abusive behaviour.
QueSeraSarah · 07/07/2021 07:28

What a selfish arsehole!

Billben · 07/07/2021 07:33

How can I get him to listen to me and not wake me up?

In our house he would be told to stop doing it or he’ll be sleeping on the sofa. There is no way I would put up with this nonsense. How inconsiderate and selfish of him.

If my DH has to wake up before me, he takes all his clothes etc. that he will need the next morning into the spare room the night before so he can get dressed there without waking me up. And I do the same.

Your DH is off his rocker 🙄

NewlyGranny · 07/07/2021 07:37

Tell him he can only wake you from your slumbers if it's with a full English and a cup of tea on one of those trays with legs, and he's ready to plump up the pillows as you sit up to enjoy it. That should put a stop to it!

Selfish git. Sleep deprivation is torture.

Seriously, though, what would happen if you started a campaign of waking him every time you were awake and found him sleeping? Just shake or cuddle him awake and tell him you were missing him and needed him to be awake, too. Then tell him you'll stop doing it if he does.

Kona84 · 07/07/2021 07:37

What time do you both go to bed?
I’d force him to bed 2 hours earlier and make it clear it’s for sleep.
When he protests or asks why tell him you need to catch up on sleep as getting up at 5:30 is killing you.
If he refuses insist

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 07/07/2021 07:37

@DHandInterview

It's not accidental, he will wake me up either by asking me to get up or sometimes trying to kiss and cuddle me.
He can fuck right off there.

DP knows the house had better be on fire or there's a horde of zombies coming up the stairs before he wakes me up two hours before I'm due to be up (which would mean just after 3am).

Yours is behaving like a 3 year old at best. But in reality, as he's deliberately fucking with your sleep, he's using sleep deprivation/waking you when he wants you as a tool of domestic abuse.

Windmillwhirl · 07/07/2021 07:49

God, this us do selfish and deliberate. He clearly doesn't see or care how much this bothers you. Is he generally so selfish.

I hate the term "the ick" but saying he misses you is beyond cringeworthy. I'd tell him to grow up or find a new partner!

Phrowzunn · 07/07/2021 07:52

My DH gets up at 5.30am so he has time to go for a run and shower, do an hour of working on his sweet business/side hustle, then starts his regular job. I think he’s insane and will stay in bed as long as possible (usually until the DC wake up, sometimes 8.30am!). I wake up a bit sometimes when he gets up but he would never purposely wake me up! And if he judges me for being so slovenly he doesn’t ever let on 😂

TheTallOakTrees · 07/07/2021 07:55

Have you spoken to him about how you feel about this rather than soliciting opinions from randoms? What would you prefer? Tell him what you prefer.

LemonRoses · 07/07/2021 07:58

It’s not the recipe for an enduring marriage. My husband isn’t quite as early nowadays. It tends to be around 6:30 to run the dog. I’m very disgruntled if he brings my tea before 7:30, ideally later.

Tell him to stop. It’s not cute or loving. It’s sleep deprivation.

FlamingoQueen · 07/07/2021 07:58

My DH and I laugh at the Michael McIntyre joke - I only wake my wife if a) it’s snowing or b) someone famous has died!
This is us.

AnotherDayAnotherCake · 07/07/2021 08:01

God that would give me the rage.
He needs to stop this! Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason!

MzHz · 07/07/2021 08:07

How firm have you been on a scale of “Stop it” and “fucking stop it or I’ll kill you in YOUR sleep”?

category12 · 07/07/2021 08:08

@TheTallOakTrees

Have you spoken to him about how you feel about this rather than soliciting opinions from randoms? What would you prefer? Tell him what you prefer.
Yes she has, read her posts.
starsigns28 · 07/07/2021 08:08

Is it just morning sex that he is after?

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 07/07/2021 08:10

I think if it's hard to tell him and potentially anger him, then it's part of an abusive pattern. Posters suggesting she needs to just tell him need to keep that in mind, I think.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 07/07/2021 08:12

I'd throat punch dh if he did that.He gets up really early and does his absolute best not to wake me.

ADHDgirl · 07/07/2021 08:13

I remember your previous posts OP. Your DH is incredibly abusive&controlling in every single aspect of your life. The only acceptable answer here is you leave him ASAP, or you accept your life is never ever going to change and that you will be controlled like this for the rest of your life.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/07/2021 08:16

You hate it, so it needs to stop.
It prevents you from functioning during the day, so it needs to stop.

You've asked him to stop, so it needs to stop.

It doesn't matter what other couples do. You are not a toy doll playing at being in a couple. You are a person, with her own free will, likes, dislikes, needs and wants.

If your DP would rather have a fake relationship with a toy doll, he can do that but he needs to leave you first.

In the meantime, make the problem his. Make the consequences his. You can't do things he'd like to do because you're too tired and need to sleep. And, give him a serious warning. Carry on like this, disrespecting you and treating like a toy, and he's out.

MyFartWillGoOn · 07/07/2021 08:16

OP, if you are the poster who has previously talked of this behaviour-and the fact you have to sit at the dining room table to keep him company while he works amongst other awful things, then please keep posting.

Many of us have worried for you since your last post and wondered how you are.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/07/2021 08:22

Oh good god. Are you the 'it's normal to go to bed at the same time as your DH every single night and spend most of your evening wasting your life away sitting passively, gazing at him, while he does a one-person task' poster, from a year or two ago?

That was one of the weirdest and most disturbing things I've ever read on Mumsnet. Like something out of a 1950s horror movie.

M0rT · 07/07/2021 08:23

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture under the Geneva convention, it is not sweet or loving or tender.
It is an internationally recognised form of torture and you should do everything you can to leave a relationship with a man who tortures you.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 07/07/2021 08:25

Has he ever hit you, OP?
This kind of smothering often leads to domestic violence.