Struggling with jealousy over everything they have

[LetUso]

My younger sister is having a baby with a man she met age 20, they’re now 32. They have a nice home, she won’t need to go back to work.

I have been in numerous horrible short relationships (online dating) and also ones that didn’t work out. I also lost a baby a few years ago. I am seeing someone and in a good job that pays well, but all my life all ive wanted is to settle down and have a family. I’ve been with current man (who is actually lovely, I am lucky), for a year and 2 months..no sign of us settling down. I’m 34. I’m so jealous of my sister. I am jealous of most people. It doesn’t feel fair that she met someone at 20 and I’ve been through heartbreak, loneliness, etc for all of that time. And I’m still alone.

My family see her as the one who is settled and got it all together. While I’m still driving around (as is my partner) mid week to stay with each other. I feel like a mess. And I’m so jealous.

I just wanted to post to get it off my chest. Finding today hard.

It sounds like you are doing well in your life too! I'm sure lots of people wouldn't mind being in your position with a lovely partner and good job. Have you spoken about the future with your partner?

Honestly I think going through relationship breakdowns can make you stronger even though they're not nice at the time.

I'm so sorry, that sounds tough. You never know how the future might work out for both of you. Try and concentrate on yourself rather than comparing. Have you spoken to your partner about your future? Try and write down all the wonderful things you have. It's so easy to focus on the negatives.

After a year or so, id imagine you have spoken about what you'd both like for the future. Do your plans align? Also if he does not wish to settle down or have children then it could be a waste of your time.. Us women unfortunately need to think of our biological clock also.

Thanks @Mum45678 and @hellocheese1

I’ve tried my best over the years never to let it get to me and to not be jealous as it’s a horrible way to be. And I know that. But I’m alone and no family of my own, in some teenage relationship where we don’t even live together in our 30s. And my younger sister has had a totally pain free life. Literally met her husband at 20, had all the nice events like buying a home, engaged, hen do, wedding, honeymoons, baby showers, next new home. I’ve not even had one of those things. It feels so unfair. Instead I’ve had to work for everything I have and have nobody to share it with.

I feel like ending it with my partner as it’s just a reminder of everything I don’t have. My sister has literally had no heartache of any sort, ever.

@Lostandconfused21 I have made it clear I wanted to settle down from day 1. When we first met. His tenancy is due to renew in January. I will be so upset if we are not then thinking of us. And I can see him saying he isn’t sure, he’s a very cautious man.

Why do you say you’re still alone?

[quote LetUso]@Lostandconfused21 I have made it clear I wanted to settle down from day 1. When we first met. His tenancy is due to renew in January. I will be so upset if we are not then thinking of us. And I can see him saying he isn’t sure, he’s a very cautious man.[/quote]
My heart genuinely goes out to you. I can understand the uncertainty and pain you're feeling and if I put myself in your shoes I probably would feel the same to be honest. Are you going to wait till January 2022 to see if he's able to make the next steps for commitment?

There’s nothing uglier than jealousy. Put it away.

You’ll drive yourself mad.

I think there are 2 issues here.

One is the jealousy of your sister. You can never know what someone else has been through - that she's never had a problem, or that she won't have awful problems in the future. It's futile and destructive to begrudge your sister's happiness.

Which leads to the second issue - if you aren't happy with your life then that's what you should be focussing on. What do yuo need to change to make it better? You don't have to wait for your DP to suggest changes. You have as much right as him to propose for example. If he says no, then you know you need to move on if you want marriage and children. If he says yes - happy days! Either way you will be closer to the life you want.

Presumably if your sister was less happy it wouldn't make you happy. So be glad for her, and then work towards the life you want.

@LetUso

Thanks *@Mum45678 and @hellocheese1*

I’ve tried my best over the years never to let it get to me and to not be jealous as it’s a horrible way to be. And I know that. But I’m alone and no family of my own, in some teenage relationship where we don’t even live together in our 30s. And my younger sister has had a totally pain free life. Literally met her husband at 20, had all the nice events like buying a home, engaged, hen do, wedding, honeymoons, baby showers, next new home. I’ve not even had one of those things. It feels so unfair. Instead I’ve had to work for everything I have and have nobody to share it with.

I feel like ending it with my partner as it’s just a reminder of everything I don’t have. My sister has literally had no heartache of any sort, ever.

The last line isn't true. No one ever gets away in life with out heart break and pain. Life is suffering.

Why would you sabotage your relationship? So your even further away from your goal? So you can feel more lonely? So you can add a bit more self loathing and hate to your pile?

Your sister has what she has through luck and hard work. She wasn't born at 30 years old with everything already in place.

Nobody gets through life happily without work. So don't say that you had to work for what you have, like others don't. And you do have someone to share it with. You have a sister for starters! And a boyfriend. And I expect you have other family and friends.

Comparison is the theif of joy. You have literally sucked the joy out of your own life because your sister is happy.

Stop focusing on your sister and start focusing on yourself. Every time you think about how unfair you think life is get up and do something positive to change your life. Even if it's 10 star jumps. Or have a shower.

Get therapy.

@Lostandconfused21 I don’t know what to do really. I’m just so sad. My sister messaged at the weekend to say her new kitchen was in. I am happy for her, genuinely. She is a lovely person. But it just reminds me of everything I’ve already missed out on. I’m in tears just typing this. All through my twenties I had to sit at Christmases alone while they had each other. Every birthday. Every occasion I was alone. And now she has a family too and I’m here with nothing. Not even living with anyone let alone bought a house together or got engaged. I would be happy with just one of the things she’s had to celebrate.

@CharlieWorkCharlieSad it’s not just my sister it’s everyone around me, colleagues, friends. There’s been 7 pregnancies announced this last 3 months! And every time I have to smile, congratulate, contribute money. And I don’t care about the money I’m just trying to express how alone and separated I feel to all these events.

I’m aware it’s an ugly trait. I’ve never felt this way before and I hate it. I feel like I’m spiralling.

[quote LetUso]@Lostandconfused21 I don’t know what to do really. I’m just so sad. My sister messaged at the weekend to say her new kitchen was in. I am happy for her, genuinely. She is a lovely person. But it just reminds me of everything I’ve already missed out on. I’m in tears just typing this. All through my twenties I had to sit at Christmases alone while they had each other. Every birthday. Every occasion I was alone. And now she has a family too and I’m here with nothing. Not even living with anyone let alone bought a house together or got engaged. I would be happy with just one of the things she’s had to celebrate.[/quote]
We've all had to deal with shit.
Sitting alone at Christmas. Come on! It's worse to sit alone at Christmas without your parents because they killed themselves. Not because your sister has a boyfriend.

Honestly go and get some therapy. It will really help pull you out of your black hole.

And ask your boyfriend tonight to move in with you. Go on. Take a leap. Make something happen. You can't sit around and wait for life to come to you.

So you need to focus on the future of your relationship, otherwise this has the potential not to be resolved. At 34 it would not be unreasonable to have a clear timeline of when you would live together. If your DP is resistant to that (there's being cautious, and there is failing to commit) you need to think if you want that to be your future. At the moment there is time to meet someone else and still have a family, if that's the way you choose to go. His reaction to this discussion would be very telling.

[quote LetUso]@CharlieWorkCharlieSad it’s not just my sister it’s everyone around me, colleagues, friends. There’s been 7 pregnancies announced this last 3 months! And every time I have to smile, congratulate, contribute money. And I don’t care about the money I’m just trying to express how alone and separated I feel to all these events.

I’m aware it’s an ugly trait. I’ve never felt this way before and I hate it. I feel like I’m spiralling.[/quote]
Then please please go and do 1 thing now that will make you feel better.
Something small.

And please see a therapist.

And don't ignore evrythi g else I said so you can pull yourself back into your hole. I now it's safe in there but you need to get out.

Everyone may have kids and a husband. But they also have other shite going on that actually would be easier to deal with if they didn't have kids to also look after etc.

Sometimes a little perspective is all we need.

OK... So make a plan of where you would like to be in 1 years time. July 2022. Tell me 5 things you would like to happen by then. They have to be realistic! No flying to Mars or having 10 babies 😂

Comparison is the thief of joy OP.

What's the relationship with your sister like in general? Is she the golden child of the family perhaps?

My sister and I are kind of similar to you and yours. I met my now DH young. We have two kids. To the outside, I suppose it does look like we have had it easy. But I don't discuss the year it took us to conceive our first child. The six months it took with our second. The fact I almost died with both births. The three years our marriage almost collapsed. The times I got made redundant. When we got kicked out of our home. We have been fortunate. We have had shit situations that have worked in favour. But it has not all been easy or handed to me on a silver platter.

My sister is currently single. I don't ask her about her love life unless she volunteers that information. I know she thinks I have it easier and I have what she wants. She has more money than DH and I combined. She is free from the pressures of juggling childcare with working etc. She gets to go on numerous holidays each year. She has a lovely house, lovely clothes and has climbed the career ladder.

My parents also show blatant favouritism towards her and she gets much more support from them because 'she is on her own' while I am left to get on with things. This was the case though when we were younger and before I met DH. The excuse was she was the youngest then. She is the one who has had everything handed to her. I just had to go out and get it myself.

Try not to let your feelings about your sister influence your relationship with and behaviour towards your partner. They’re two separate issues, don’t let one destroy the other.

Personally I feel early 30s is a great time to meet a partner. You still have the exciting parts of the relationship ahead of you! I would not have wanted to settle down at 20- I’d feel like an old married couple by 30, and like I never had time to be myself and explore the world on my own.

Talk to your partner about what you want and make a plan for when his tenancy is up.

OP I'm sorry you feel this way. If this were me I would be having a conversation with your partner and asking how he sees the future for the two of you, as you are 34 and you want to think about settling down, if he's no intention or won't commit you have your answer and I would move on. Don't wait for him to renew his lease for another god knows how long.

Also, do you actually feel he's the one, you sound terribly unhappy for someone that is with the love of her life?! If not, it's time to move on, you could meet someone and have everything you wish for in a couple of years as when you meet that person you both want to commit straight away.

@CharlieWorkCharlieSad if I do that he’s likely to say no, or be evasive. The chances of him saying exactly how I feel back to me are slim. He would have already mentioned it. Even then it’s moving in, I’m mid 30s, I will never share the experiences with him that most have by my age. Ive not let this get the better of me for many years. I know it sounds silly about Christmas, but it is lonely. I’m sure it’s much much worse if your parents have killed themselves, but it doesn’t make this situation easier to hear that. (I hope that wasn’t your situation x)

@2me2u2u2me

OP I'm sorry you feel this way. If this were me I would be having a conversation with your partner and asking how he sees the future for the two of you, as you are 34 and you want to think about settling down, if he's no intention or won't commit you have your answer and I would move on. Don't wait for him to renew his lease for another god knows how long.

Also, do you actually feel he's the one, you sound terribly unhappy for someone that is with the love of her life?! If not, it's time to move on, you could meet someone and have everything you wish for in a couple of years as when you meet that person you both want to commit straight away.

@2me2u2u2me I thought he was the right one after one date. Never felt like that before. I’m not in a good mental place at the moment though, so everything feels like darkness

I used to be jealous of my younger sister in a similar way, she met her DH young, they had a big flashy wedding, owned a house, two lovely kids. I was in a violent marriage living in a council house, wedding in the social club, no chance of ever owning a house.

You can’t let it twist you up. I left my ex and now live something of a dream life, married my lovely DH in my 30s, we are well off, big house, lots of love and passion. My sister is divorced and single (not unhappily!).

Life changes but wallowing in envy and depression won’t make it change.

@CharlieWorkCharlieSad I just want to be settled down. I’ve done the career thing and made lots of money. It means fuck all when you’re alone. I resent it all. The only plan I want is to be in a home with a family. That’s it. It is my only source of unhappiness.

I'm sorry OP, sometimes these feelings aren't rational - but you can't help them. It's ok to feel like this as long as you don't take it out on her. I'm not sure what the answer is really.

I agree that you never know what goes on behind closed doors, but it's also true that for some people life is just easier. They have met the 'right' person at a young age and were able to share all of those positive experiences and create those memories. They have been able to get on the property ladder because they have two salaries which makes things cheaper. They can plan a future together.

I have had some truly awful relationships in my 20's and while I'm glad to not still be stuck in them, I'm sad that I never met and connected with someone that I truly loved and who truly loved me back.

Meanwhile most of my friendship group are in long term relationships (8 - 10 years) and I'm the single odd one out. It can be wearing at times, even though they aren't doing anything wrong.

Be kind to yourself, and try not to let this poison your relationship with your sister, or with your boyfriend if it is good.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

So you need to focus on the future of your relationship, otherwise this has the potential not to be resolved. At 34 it would not be unreasonable to have a clear timeline of when you would live together. If your DP is resistant to that (there's being cautious, and there is failing to commit) you need to think if you want that to be your future. At the moment there is time to meet someone else and still have a family, if that's the way you choose to go. His reaction to this discussion would be very telling.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants I’m just hesitant to even mention it. I can’t face being let down again. I just want to be living with someone and building a life. I don’t want to be whizzing down motorways to spend a few nights together, packing bags, parking cars in side streets, no shared bank account (I earn more than him so not after money), etc etc. I just want a life with someone. Even if he wants to move in I won’t have a ‘omg yes’ reaction from him. He will want to think it over, be all serious and I’m not sure I trust my judgments at the moment to react ok to that

[quote LetUso]@CharlieWorkCharlieSad if I do that he’s likely to say no, or be evasive. The chances of him saying exactly how I feel back to me are slim. He would have already mentioned it. Even then it’s moving in, I’m mid 30s, I will never share the experiences with him that most have by my age. Ive not let this get the better of me for many years. I know it sounds silly about Christmas, but it is lonely. I’m sure it’s much much worse if your parents have killed themselves, but it doesn’t make this situation easier to hear that. (I hope that wasn’t your situation x)[/quote]
What experiences are you talking about? What will you miss out on if you move in together at 30 rather than 20?