Struggling with jealousy over everything they have

[LetUso]

My younger sister is having a baby with a man she met age 20, they’re now 32. They have a nice home, she won’t need to go back to work.

I have been in numerous horrible short relationships (online dating) and also ones that didn’t work out. I also lost a baby a few years ago. I am seeing someone and in a good job that pays well, but all my life all ive wanted is to settle down and have a family. I’ve been with current man (who is actually lovely, I am lucky), for a year and 2 months..no sign of us settling down. I’m 34. I’m so jealous of my sister. I am jealous of most people. It doesn’t feel fair that she met someone at 20 and I’ve been through heartbreak, loneliness, etc for all of that time. And I’m still alone.

My family see her as the one who is settled and got it all together. While I’m still driving around (as is my partner) mid week to stay with each other. I feel like a mess. And I’m so jealous.

I just wanted to post to get it off my chest. Finding today hard.

If you are unhappy, in your life you neednto work to change it.

You say if you speak to this man about what you need he will say no. I know you think he is amazing. And he might be. But it doesn't sound like your are compatible.

You desperately want to settle down and he doesn't. If you can't talk to him, clearly, about this, then the relationship isn't quite right. Either he is so cautious, he can't/won't give you what you need. Or he doesn't feel the same as you.

What happens if nothing has changed in 12 months? Will you still sit and wait until he says he is ready? What if that never happens?

Your DP clearly isn’t the one for you, and I believe is the source of your unhappiness.

You do still have time to find The One, but the biggest favour you can do yourself is to end this ‘relationship’ here and now.

He would be evasive and non-committal? To a women coming to the end of her childbearing years? How dare he!

Take back control OP, get out there and find the right one for you, the one who can’t be without you, is practically shooing you down the aisle (in a good way).

This man will not give you what you want. Be your own best friend and tell him to do one. Today.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

@GreenWillow

Your DP clearly isn’t the one for you, and I believe is the source of your unhappiness.

You do still have time to find The One, but the biggest favour you can do yourself is to end this ‘relationship’ here and now.

He would be evasive and non-committal? To a women coming to the end of her childbearing years? How dare he!

Take back control OP, get out there and find the right one for you, the one who can’t be without you, is practically shooing you down the aisle (in a good way).

This man will not give you what you want. Be your own best friend and tell him to do one. Today.

I wholly agree with this comment!

Are you in a place to buy a house. Say him to him you want to buy would he like to buy together, but that you would want to get married. Then if he's off still buy your place and find someone new. MANY if us don't have it all together until late 30's and I can't say I've even got it all by my 40's. I do have my two kids, but my DP is useless.

Do you own your own home, OP? If so, you can be doing or planning things to make your future easier. Upgrades, paying the mortgage off more quickly etc. If not, could you save for a deposit?

I would definitely be having a proper talk with your partner about the future. I think I’d be looking into the options of becoming a lone parent.

I have to have mini projects on the go ALL THE TIME otherwise I get very introspective and lethargic. I try and have one or two tasks for today, for tomorrow and for the future. My siblings have more money and considerably nicer houses than I have (I’ve been a lone parent for 16 years) but, though they don’t complain, one has always been single and the other has secondary infertility.

It’s really important you see you and your sister’s life separately.

Im Sure if you speak to her she has had good/ bad days, her own stresses and worries.

You have to concentrate on yourself. It’s ok to want what you want and prioritise it. Talk to your partner and say what you want (not for right now this minute but within a few years).

If he can’t give you that then you might want to move on but know it’s nothing to do with your sister at all.

It sounds tough and while I can see the reason you want to compare yourself to your sibling, it also sounds like you are projecting your unhappiness about your partner's hesitancy to commit onto your relationship with your sister.

How would you feel about your relationship if you take the comparison to your sister out of the equation? Would you still feel sad or would you feel content with what you have?

If you are deep down not happy with your relationship or the pace it's moving at, you might need to sit your partner down and have an honest conversation about the future.

Like others I think you need to deal with the issue of your DP and if that relationship isn’t right then call it quits and move on. You won’t find Mr Right if you are with Mr Wrong.

Have some therapy, develop your social life and maybe think of some personal achievements you might like to do, running a 5km, learning an instrument, studying something for fun, learn a new DIY skill so that you have something to focus on and talk about that’s different to work, relationships and children.

I think like others, the issue isn't your sister but your partner.
If you were madly in love with him, you'd be glad to still be in the honeymoon stage and not the same old as they are. If you still feel alone when he is with you then something isn't right.
What is it you really want? A family of your own? There's a big issue at the heart of all this but you seem to be focusing on the small things like kitchens!

I understand LetUso. It's particularly galling when it's your younger sister as well.

Both myself and my sister are in relationships, hers ever so slightly longer than mine, but due to some factors on my partner's side we are in totally different financial positions despite similar earnings.

My sis & partner are now engaged, live in a bigger place than us, go on amazing holidays and pretty much do what they want. We are massively limited on what we can do due to money, live in a small flat with no prospect of moving any time soon, and no chance of payrises etc either.

It was especially hard when she and her partner had been renting together for a while and I was saving hard to buy a place, so it was always a consolation for me that while she was living out with her bf, I was going to be able to buy my own place. But they ended up buying one quite quickly, before me. And bigger.

I know it is our own choices of partner which have got us here but it can be difficult to stomach, especially when it's someone so close to you. I know it's unreasonable as well, so not even something I can really chat about. But you're not alone. x

You aren't a victim in this. You are in charge of your own life. For everyone, sometimes great things happen and sometimes awful things happen. Some people seem to have more of the great stuff and vice versa. Sometimes that's just how it looks from the outside.

You can't change your sister's situation and I doubt you'd want to. You can only change your own. And that's the real issue. If you are unhappy, make changes. If your DP is non-commital then leave and give yourself the chance to find someone with the same goals as you.

I know it's awful, and you sound depressed, but sometimes it feels like everything's crowding on top of you and NOTHING is right. When actually by making one change (albeit a big one - ending a relationahip if it isn't right) can make you start climbing back out of the hole.

Someone asked for a list of 5 things you'd like to achieve by July 2022. That's a brilliant idea (for all of us!) and will be the start of making plans to achieve your dreams.

Being bitter and angry won't change anything. Only action will.

Why don't you appreciate what you have? It's a bit of a slap in the face to actual single people for someone with a lovely partner of over a year to complain about being 'alone'.

I think it’s your boyfriend you’re really angry at. You can change that today…

Those asking if I own a house, yes. I am lucky that money is something I don’t need to worry about. I could stop working tomorrow and have money. It feels horrible as I would love to build a life with someone and share it all.

Those saying end it with DP, we said we love each other recently. I just feel frustrated as he is 41 so I wonder when he will want to settle down if not now.

It's hard when you get to that age as you start to feel the pressure to have kids and have everything sorted . I know it's difficult but not to compare because it will only make you unhappy, when you are fellow g low everyone's life looks better

Your sister may look back and regret that she has spent her youth in a relationship or she may be content for the rest of her life, who knows? It's about what you want and how you are going to make it happen, feel cud your energy on that and not on other people

At 41 he may not want to settle down. Most men I know who have children have settled down and had them before that.

Not many people will be able to afford a house on their own.

Or enough money they could just quit work.

So, you do have good things happen. A great paid career usually, tales some hard work. But also involves some luck.

It's been 14 months and you have only just said you love eachother. That's OK, for some people. But it's not for you.

You want to be moving forward. And it's not.

This is your choice. You are choosing to stay in this relationship, even though its moving far too slowly for you and your don't know if it ever will be where you want it to be.

You say you want to move in and get married and have kids. But you are choosing to be with someone, who that won't happen with for a long time.

Your choices are taking you further away from what you want. You can't complain you don't have the life you want, if its your choice not to pursue it

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

At 41 he may not want to settle down. Most men I know who have children have settled down and had them before that.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants yes that’s my concern. He has always been quite open about wanting marriage (I’m not that fussed on that, though would like it) and talks freely about how great it would be to have kids and that all his friends have them etc. I feel like at 41 you’d be thinking let’s get on with things not wanting to get to mid 40s with the same situation.

Just wanted to send a hug, OP. It's understandable that you want to vent about this and that doesn't mean that you don't appreciate what's good in your life. It sounds to me like you do count your blessings, and you're also going through a reassessment of your priorities. Looking at your sister's life is helping you to work out what's important for your future. You are allowed to have those feelings.

You have a choice, to continue as you are or focus on changing things. Whilst you can not miraculously conjure your hearts desire you can pour all your energy into loving you and the life you have been dealt. There really is no alternative. Making peace with that is the key to your happiness. Easier said than done.

If I were you I would question the future of my relationship. Confront the elephant in the room and find the right time to discuss a future with your boyfriend. Secondly I would freeze some eggs - psychologically it opens up future options and takes the pressure for a family off the boil for a few years until you find a level of happiness with yourself and your life that would compliment having a family.

I would also consider going to see a life coach or some sort of guru that maybe walk you around your issues so you see them from a different perspective.

I would stop drinking alcohol and get in the best shape of my life - encourage a positive mindset. Take a trip on a health retreat, or a creative path retreat - open your mind up as much as you can. Go see a reiki healer. Try it all !

For This isn't about your sister, this isn't about all the work friends who are pregnant, this is about you. And your innate sadness points to a lack of something within you and focusing on the physical things you don't have is merely disguising the crux of the issue internally. After all it's said everything we are experiencing is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.

I say this as someone who doesn't have all the answers, none of us do, not even your sister but we owe it to ourselves to keep trying to find and be the best version of ourselves.

Really hope you find the answer.

Hmmm enough money to by a house, a boyfriend, a family ...I'm sorry but you do sound a little dramatic. I think I will reserve my sympathy for the single mums with children from dead beat fathers stuck in social housing and more than likely never getting the opportunity to change their circumstances.
If your partner is the problem bin him off and start again...you still have plenty of years in you.
With regards to your sister, I settled with my now husband when I was 20, it isn't all a bed of roses and at times it's debatable which one of us will end up buried under the patio!

I’ve been with my husband since we were teenagers, which I’m obviously happy with, but we have had lots of people be aghast about that down the years, asking why tie yourself down so young, why not have fun playing the field etc. A lot of people would be horrified at your sister’s life for similar reasons. Certainly I can’t imagine anything worse than throwing in the towel careerwise just because I’ve had a baby.

I say this not to be spiteful, just to point out that for many people there’s nothing enviable about your sister’s life, and that yours sounds more varied, successful and interesting.

What concerns me more in your posts, though, is that, despite saying you’re in a loving relationship, you keep saying ‘I’m still alone’. Another way of looking at it, surely, is that you’ve had some experiences, now you’re financially comfortable and successful, and in a good relationship with a man who loves you?

I’m married with a child. Both my sisters are unmarried but in relationships, don’t live with their partners, and don’t have children. I can assure you no one regards me as the successful or fulfilled one purely on the grounds of my marital/parental status — certainly neither of them do.

Take responsibility for your own life. Tell him you want to move in together and have a child. If he’s not interested, at least you know to cut your losses and move on to someone who wants the same things you do.

Totally agree with previous posters - you need to be a lot more reflective and proactive. I don't think it's really about your sister it's about what will give your life meaning and purpose.

Even if you get the family you so desire I suspect you may still be dissatisfied and discontented. That if they don't behave in the ways you want, feeding your vision of a perfect family life, you'll blame them, not see it was always just a idealistic dream. It's also a hell of a burden on a partner and children to make them feel responsible your happiness.

To me it's that you have convinced yourself only one specific set of circumstances will make you happy. Nothing else will do. But I think you have romanticised, unrealistic expectations of marriage and motherhood and how they will miraculously make your life complete.

It's entirely possible to be miserable in a marriage. To find parenthood difficult and unfulfilling. Or to be contented with a child free, single life, even if it was not exactly planned to turn out that way. Any life can be meaningful and happy or feel empty, pointless and sad if we choose it to be.

To me, this jealousy of your sister is indicative of deeper issues. You are wallowing in misplaced self pity. In other words, I'd 'fix me' first, then go out and create the life you want.

@BelleClapper

There’s nothing uglier than jealousy. Put it away.

You’ll drive yourself mad.

Very true!