Struggling with jealousy over everything they have

[LetUso]

My younger sister is having a baby with a man she met age 20, they’re now 32. They have a nice home, she won’t need to go back to work.

I have been in numerous horrible short relationships (online dating) and also ones that didn’t work out. I also lost a baby a few years ago. I am seeing someone and in a good job that pays well, but all my life all ive wanted is to settle down and have a family. I’ve been with current man (who is actually lovely, I am lucky), for a year and 2 months..no sign of us settling down. I’m 34. I’m so jealous of my sister. I am jealous of most people. It doesn’t feel fair that she met someone at 20 and I’ve been through heartbreak, loneliness, etc for all of that time. And I’m still alone.

My family see her as the one who is settled and got it all together. While I’m still driving around (as is my partner) mid week to stay with each other. I feel like a mess. And I’m so jealous.

I just wanted to post to get it off my chest. Finding today hard.

@Mulletsaremisunderstood thanks. It’s horrible isn’t it. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to have memories with someone going back 10 years. In fact if me and DP lasted ten years he would almost be 50! It is a totally different experience to being younger and growing up with someone.

I don’t even care about having it all. Just one of these things would mean the world to me

[quote LetUso]@CharlieWorkCharlieSad I just want to be settled down. I’ve done the career thing and made lots of money. It means fuck all when you’re alone. I resent it all. The only plan I want is to be in a home with a family. That’s it. It is my only source of unhappiness.[/quote]
Then you can't wait for your partner to keep umming and ahing, I think I would telling him your plan is you want to move in and start your lives together at the end of his tenancy, if he won't commit then you have to tell him you are going walk away and do that. It might give him the push he needs but if it doesn't he's not the right one for you.

If he feels that you're not going to do anything about it why would he change?

You need therapy to stop dwelling on all the things that haven't happened in your life. Because right now, it sounds Kim even if you got everything your sister has tomorrow, you still wouldn't be happy because you weren't in a committed relationship in your 20s.

This level of bitterness a s jealousy will destroy your relationship with your sister if you don't get a handle on it.

It is hard but you need to focus your efforts internally not waste time looking externally.

If your current DP of a year isnt talking about moving in together by october/november you should leave him. Honestly.
And i speak from experience...

You are clear on what you want and should pursue it fully.

I had the same doubts and fears and also "did the career thing" but i held fast and binned off men (like your DP) who were not committed as they were blocking me from my goal : a happy marriage and partnership.

I spent 3 long years on tinder sifting through losers and timewasters and emotionally bankrupt men before i hit jackpot.
The only man i ever moved in with was my then boyfriend, now husband when i was 35. We met when i was 34, married at 36 and at 37 we are expecting our first child.
I was upfront from the start that i wanted a life partner and commitment.

It is 100% not how i expected my life to turn out. (I was supposed to meet my husband at uni and have my first baby at 30) but it is also 100% better than i thought it would be too.

Hang in there and fight for it.

I don't know who Kim is or why she is in my post.

@Clymene

I don't know who Kim is or why she is in my post.

pissing myself at this comment

I think you need to stop trying so hard. A friend of mine never got married or had children, and never lived with anyone. She's close to her brother and her niece and nephew, and is happy and contented. Good career, nice house, busy life. Marriage and children aren't for everyone, OP, and some women with these things are desperately unhappy anyway.

Similar to LetUso and Mullet here & know all about being the lone single at so many events for decades…

Very grateful for my lovely DC but never married & somewhat resent my lack of Le Creusot, Denby etc (having over the years only acquired odd items of the latter from charity shops and now too decrepit to lift cast iron 😂)

Finally ‘settled down’ in my 50s… lived apart until COVID & it was great - best of both worlds. I miss my other (city-social) life now

LetUso I get the strong feeling he isn’t the one but you need to believe that you do still have time to find someone - it’s a really bad sign that you feel unable to have the conversation with him in case you don’t like his response 😢 It won’t change just because you don’t talk about it! I do feel you have to find contentment in yourself & your single life - (I’m not saying that’s easy & it took me a long long time!) - to be able to be in a couple. I also know now how I can be fine by myself so wouldn’t fear to walk away

You're actually in a really good position. Own home, good job.

So what if your now-DP rejects you? Then you will know. Grab the bull by the horns. Say, you love him, you want to build a life together, you want to move in together, get married, have a family. And you want to do it soon. He has two weeks to let you know what he wants to do. If it's a no or not sure at that stage, you should kindly let each other live your separate lives. You need to concentrate on meeting someone else in this case.

Then focus on your feelings about your sister. Get therapy for this. But stop ruminating for now. I have a lot of what she has. But my DH has three hidden disabilities, diagnosed in his mid-30s, and I am strained every day looking after us all.

Better to be on your own and happy, than in company and miserable.

It really is as simple as this for now. Stop waiting and have some agency.

You don't know the compromises your sister has had to make in her relationship and you've learned self reliance and to take care of yourself. It sounds like it's mainly about having kids, not the rest of it, the new kitchen or whatever.
You are still young, and I think really it is about the relationship with this boyfriend not progressing. Perhaps you should give him a deadline, and go for what you really want, a stable relationship with someone who wants children. I am sure you will get there, there is still lots of time to achieve what you want.

I get it OP, but let's flip it for a minute. I can't imagine how much your sister has missed out on by meeting her DH at 20. What about the carefree dating of your early 20's, that was such a blast! She will never have those memories which you do. I bet you've been on more holidays and travelled more with friends than she has, those holidays are always amazing!

You will be ok, maybe it's time to be a bit more assertive with your partner?

I think one way to look at the jealousy is to consider that you would not be made one bit happier by something awful happening to your sister and her family, so why should you be made sadder by their happiness?

I think you do need to press the issue with DP - yes, the risk is he could say its not what he wants. Don't wait passively to see if he renews his tenancy just so as not to feel like you're pressurising him. You have a right to know if it's moving forward and you have time to start over sooner if its not.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Stop comparing the things you don't have to what they do and value what you've done, what you have and who you are because of it. You'll be far happier living your own life in the moment.

I can speak from my own personal experience of being in a situation like your sister. Met dh at 18, we got together at 20, married at 23, dd at 25 and happily married. Financially comfortable. I was told so often how lucky I was that my life was like that. 'You found your person at that age, you're so lucky' and yes I am. However it isn't always sunshine and rainbows. Now my life is spent between hospital appointments for dd (lots of issues since birth), speech and language appointments, development appointments and a soon to be autism diagnosis. I also spend my days going to visit my husband in hospital due to severe illness her has which could mean he'll be in hospital for up to a year (if not longer). Now the people who always told me how lucky I was, pity me. They say life has been cruel to me.

You never know what's around the corner. Instead of focusing on others lives and how much better they seem to yours, focus on your own.

I do understand where you are coming from but all I can really say is that your feelings of jealousy are not useful in any way. Focus on what you want in life.

It sounds like you live your partner. I really think you need to be very honest about how you feel and about your life goals. You need to find out what his goals for the future are and make sure that you are on the same page. Does he want kids one day?

Your time will come OP. Don't forget what you do have.....

*love not live

And also, don't compare your life to that of others....you never know what's around the corner. Just do your best to make the best life for yourself.

Some people have it together because of the decisions they make and some things are out of your control. Like this, you know your dp is dithering about yet you are still with him? So your plan is to wait to Jan to hear if he wants to move in with you, but you already know that it is a slim chance. So that in itself is a decision that you are in control of and could change your life. How do you know that your sister is just lucky, maybe it could be that she took active decisions in her life to get where she is. I think to an extent it's very normal to feel what you feel, but at the same time here's an example of what you can change but you are just wasting your time. All the things you want, settling down and a family, you could have that.

Jealousy has to be one of the worst emotions. You really do need to see someone, as other people have suggested.

My sister has been married for 40 years. She has a beautiful, mortgage-free house, a husband who she adores and vice versa, fabulous kids. They have amazing holidays and drive a nice car.

I lost my house to bankruptcy and now rent a Housing Association house. I'm a single parent with no boyfriend. My car is 24 years old. We've not had a proper holiday for years, even before Covid. I struggle with money. I'm not jealous of her. She and her husband have worked bloody hard to achieve what they have and I feel nothing but happiness for her.

You sound like a very accomplished woman in your own right, has this feeling developed recently? You speak about people at your age and it feels like you feel you are on a deadline. Jealousy is a difficult emotion to get over. The fact is you have different life experiences to the people you are comparing yourself with - perhaps more travel, more independence, fewer financial concerns, more freedom. That just is the way it is, and you can never walk the same path as other people, so celebrating your own successes is important. It’s not wrong to want to settle down and have a family but you seem reluctant to take the steps to achieve that - which is to have a frank discussion with your partner and find out where he is at. I hope you learn to recognise the great things you do have and I hope you get all the things you want.

@LetUso. I hear what you say. I'm not trying to be harsh, honestly, but from an Old Bird's perspective.

I spent a lot of my life pussy-footing round partners. I haven't time for that now. I shouldn't have done it then, and I like to think I wouldn't, if I had my time again IUSIM.

When you feel able, you would IMHO need to have that difficult conversation. If you can't, or don't feel you can, what does that tell you about the relationship? Before I met DH, I had a relationship with someone I thought would make a lovely dad, but he just wouldn't commit, and squirmed and avoided when these conversation were had. In the end I decided he was commitment phobic and avoidant and moved on. But I wasted a lot of time before I did this. My Nan declared that he was just wasting my time. He was, but I wasn't ready to hear it. I hope it isn't the same for you, but.... I think you know what I'm saying.

Start by listing the things you are grateful for. Gratitude is the first step to feeling happy - honestly, it sounds cheesy but it is. Make a list. Start every morning mentally ticking off all the things you are grateful for in your life.

Secondly, get some therapy.

Thirdly, comparing lives is pointless because no one really knows what's going on for people behind closed doors. From the outside, my life looks pretty dreamy and I've had snide comments from 'friends' before. But honestly some of the sh*t me, my husband, etc. have been through I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

And, as a previous poster said, life changes very quickly - who knows where you or your sister will be in a years time.

Try and be happy for her, and get yourself some help.

Good luck x

Life is tough, every job I can think of, has never been easy, in fact I retired early recently ( luckily I could) .
Have very nasty hormonal depression if untreated, and mild bi polar.
Yes my parents were killed in a car accident just over 5 years, not as bad as it seemed given elderly and no one else involved.
Been on my own for 20 years since my divorce, hoped I wouldn’t be, and have 2 sons, 1 with high functioning Aspergers I hardly see.
I’m glad I could retire early, have great friends and brothers ( even if 4 different countries).
Having a fab loving cat, lovely home.
Life is unfair and worse with the wrong person, you know that

Hey, life isn't a competition! My siblings settled down and had kids in their 20s. I didn't start having kids until my 30s and have them with 2 dads. Divorced mid 40s and now having the time of my life with my amazing boyfriend and shared custody.

I feel like I have it all now. The excitement of a carefree relationship, my kids, an amazing job I love.

When I was married and a sahm I felt like a servant, wasn't appreciated, was controlled. Lived in a big house, gorgeous kitchen and so on. On the outside it looked perfect. It was far from perfect.

So is my life a failure because unlike my siblings I am divorced and had to start again - house, job, relationship in my late 40s?

If I could go back and tell my younger self something, it would be not to stress and worry and compare. Enjoy life.

I was single until my mid 40s OP, so I really do understand how hard it is being in your mid 30s and seeing everyone living the life you always thought you would live. I’d wanted children since my teenage years and at 35, I was childless, single and working in a maternity hospital. It was fucking hard and I hated the way that the bitterness was starting to eat me up. My siblings, my friends, strangers in the hospital even, everyone was coupled up and starting families.

So I took a long hard look at myself and my life and gave myself some very tough love.

Life isn’t fair.

I have no idea why we expect it to be fair, as nobody sits us down when we’re young and tells us that it should always be fair, but for some reason, we grow up with this entitled expectation that it should be. But it isn’t. And I know you may not want to hear it, but the alternative is for you to continue only seeing what you don’t have in relation to everything that you think everyone else has, and to let this jealousy grow in you like a cancer. So you have a decision to make.

I told myself this truth. I also told myself that I might not get to have children, or the life I’d dreamed of having for so long, and that it would be the best thing for me to find a way to be ok with that worst case scenario, or I’d have even more of a sad life wasting it feeling bitter and jealous.

I am still so grateful that I took the decision to shift my perspective. It enabled me to take a career break and move abroad for a while to follow a creative dream, it enabled me to see how kid-rich I was with nieces, nephews and Godchildren, and that I would get out of life only what I put in to it. There are days when I can still feel sad for myself for not having had the life I’d hoped for, but I look around at all I do have, all the freedom and potential that my life still has, and I feel grateful and keep moving onwards.

There is so much great advice on this thread and at present, you seem unwilling to engage with it as you want to defend your right to feel hard done by. But in the end, the only person who will lose out from this is you.

So I’m really sorry to tough love you, but I also think your future self will thank the you now who makes a decision to focus on all the ways that you can take, right now, to embrace your life as it is.

Wishing you the very best of life moving forward 💐