Struggling with jealousy over everything they have

[LetUso]

My younger sister is having a baby with a man she met age 20, they’re now 32. They have a nice home, she won’t need to go back to work.

I have been in numerous horrible short relationships (online dating) and also ones that didn’t work out. I also lost a baby a few years ago. I am seeing someone and in a good job that pays well, but all my life all ive wanted is to settle down and have a family. I’ve been with current man (who is actually lovely, I am lucky), for a year and 2 months..no sign of us settling down. I’m 34. I’m so jealous of my sister. I am jealous of most people. It doesn’t feel fair that she met someone at 20 and I’ve been through heartbreak, loneliness, etc for all of that time. And I’m still alone.

My family see her as the one who is settled and got it all together. While I’m still driving around (as is my partner) mid week to stay with each other. I feel like a mess. And I’m so jealous.

I just wanted to post to get it off my chest. Finding today hard.

I divorced at the age of 40 after being married for 18 years, whole life thrown into total disarray. What I do know is that you can only manage your own life. Don't waste time being envious of what others have. Use your energies to make your life how you would like it to be. Talk to your partner-tell him what it is that you want and see where you go from there. At the moment you're guessing at what he will say. Ask him and find out. Then make decisions based on that information

I’m 33, met my partner at 16 and we have a child and one on the way and will soon have enough deposit for a mortgage. Single Friends have often shared that they think my life is so wonderful and wish they were like mine. But end of day we all have our own issues and things going on. People don’t see the struggles to scrap and save for the nice things we have, the dealings with children’s tantrums in private or the rocks that hit our relationship every few years as we grow and change and have to work really hard at. I’m sure your sister will Proberly have some envy over the freedoms you have and some of things that have happened in your life. Just do you and see where it leads. Stop pressuring yourself to live on a timeline just because others are there

The thief of joy. I say this kindly, get iver ot.

I’m going to go against what some others have said, because you can’t help you feel. I think some people do appear to lead charmed lives, they have a lot of luck in some cases and everything seems to fall into place for them.
There will always be someone who has more or has what you perceive to be a better life. Personally I wouldn’t want your sister’s life of being tied down at 20, having children fairly young, and not working.

“I’ve done the career thing and made lots of money”. There will be many people who are envious of that.

You have to be grateful for the things you have, not resentful of the things you don’t have. You need to do something that takes you away from these negative thoughts, exercise or a meeting hobby.
You sound like you need to seize the day with your partner and consider finishing the relationship if he can’t commit.

@LetUso. Ok, so talking the talk isn't the same as walking the walk. I frequently talk about when I lose three stone...not happened yet. I think, IMHO if you take back control of this you will feel better about life, and your DSis situation. FWIW, the man I wanted for the father of my children, the avoidant one, did go on to marry, but has not had children. And he married a very particular type, who was not the same as me. I had my DD at 37, but it took about a year, and had I hung around waiting for avoidant man, that may not have happened.

Hey OP on a completely different track, you did mention you had lost a baby. I remember the only time in my whole life when I genuinely couldn't be happy for other people was when I was deeply grieving the loss of a baby (and other terrible things at the time).
Could you have unresolved grief that could be manifesting itself in this way? When I'm depressed or in a bad mindset, I get angry and distant before I collapse in tears.
Just a thought. Hope you're doing ok.

Watching with interest as i'm in the exact same position - in my early 30s, but completely single. Seething with jealously over what younger sister has, the difference is that we are estranged. So it shouldn't even matter, but it does because its on my mind every single day. She always used to say how she DIDNT want a family, I was the one who did. Things have turned out pretty different.

Please don't be jealous of your sister, on the outside she may seem like she has it all but everyone has their own problems in life. Jealousy is such a horrible, negative thing and it will destroy you and every relationship you have with people if you let it get a real hold. It is so pointless. Be glad for others and to be honest, you have a lovely man and sound (after alot of hard knocks) as if you have alot going for you.

@star2890 I’m the same, it’s horrible isn’t it, I was always the one who thought about it and planned it.

Those saying jealously eats you up etc , I’m well aware of that. That’s why I am so unhappy. I can’t just switch off that feeling though.

I just don’t know why life has been so awful where relationships have been concerned. I’ve been treated badly and the relationships that were good just didn’t work out for mundane reasons. It feels so unfair. I’m exhausted with being happy for other people, I just can’t be anymore. I have made myself very isolated as it’s the only way to cope. I see family on the odd occasion and I have some close friends. But I used to be so much more sociable, I even avoid work events now as I just can’t cope with more happy news from people.

No idea if this relationship will go anywhere. I asked him last night what he saw in his future and he said he didn’t want to wait long to have kids. No mention of us doing it.

But he’s with you, he may think it’s obvious that he means with you?

You need to discuss a plan with him for your joint future

well then maybe you need to mention it to him. Maybe that is what he is waiting for? After all that is what you want and your not spelling it out to him. What have you got to lose?
You could always look into having a baby via sperm donation as you sound like you have the money to fund it yourself.

OP,

At 41 he knows if he wants them with you by now.

Stop being afraid of hearing the truth.

You are wasting time.

Ditch him if he isn't prepared to tell you that you are the one.

Get some therapy to diffuse the bomb inside you before it explodes.

I think you know he is stringing you alone and that is why you are so stressed.

If he was genuinely on the same page as you, you would feel it and be happy and excited.

You are stressed because you know he's not, despite what he says.

Words are cheap.
Focus on actions.

Billy is right.

@billy1966 I don’t know if that’s true, we’ve progressed things slowly but surely. I spend a lot of time with him in the week. Nearly all his time outside work is with me. He’s supportive of my work, he does kind and thoughtful things. He talks about a future but no he hasn’t specifically said let’s spend forever together. He’s not really that sort of man though, to say things like that. I don’t know. I think maybe I just say either we move in by x date or I’m off to find someone who wants the same things as me?

Bloody hell op, you own a house, have no money worries, and can stop work if you choose as you have accumulated enough money to support yourself.

Many people would consider you very very lucky.

Very few people have relationships with no trials or tribulations. You're looking at other people that have things you want but I guarantee you that their lives are not simply all rainbows and unicorns.

You are very lucky to have what you have.

Talk to your partner. Tell him what you want, and ask him if he's up for it. If he's not then end it and look elsewhere. Stop being so passive.

@CuriousOrangee

Bloody hell op, you own a house, have no money worries, and can stop work if you choose as you have accumulated enough money to support yourself.

Many people would consider you very very lucky.

Very few people have relationships with no trials or tribulations. You're looking at other people that have things you want but I guarantee you that their lives are not simply all rainbows and unicorns.

You are very lucky to have what you have.

Talk to your partner. Tell him what you want, and ask him if he's up for it. If he's not then end it and look elsewhere. Stop being so passive.

@CuriousOrangee I don’t think everyone else’s life is perfect. I just feel very alone. Money does replace or remove loneliness. In fact it can make you feel lonelier. The more I have, the more shit it feels not to be able to share things. Life, to me at least, is meaningless when lived alone.

I know what you’re saying about my DP. Is it as simple as that though. Maybe it is? I don’t know if it’s sensible to just end the relationship based on me coming up with a deadline.

I agree with a lot of what has been said.
I sympathise with how bad you are feeling but you are coming across as very negative.
Negativity puts people off. You are also coming across desperate for certain things which isn't appealing to others.
I have friends who have been jealous of things I've done and have made snidey backhand comments which is so unfair as my life is not perfect by far. That's another story but I feel you come across that you aren't pleased for your sister and that is not nice. You need help to channel this negativity away as it comes across as bitter and not happy for others. It's not a nice quality.
Try to relax and live the best life you can each day.
Sorry you are feeling this way and it's good you recognise it.
Hope you sort yourself out and get help somehow for this as toxic for you and others around you.

But the point is, you have what some other people want. Some people have what you want.

But you seen to think you are the one that's missing our most.

I have been skint. On my arse, can't pay my bills skint. I have also lived on my own and lived on my own as single parent I am now, fairly comfortable.

All those situations had their downside and upside.

You have money, so don't think it's a big deal in comparison to not having a live in partner. But it gives you more choices. You can choose to quit work and pursue something for fun. That will open your social circle more. You could travel, or have the time and money to take up hobbies. All widening your social circle. If something bad happens you have more choices available than a couple who are skint.

You feel your life isn't a success because you are measuring it against some ideal, that you have made up.

And if you absolutely need a live in partner, you aren't making up a deadline for him. You are expressing your needs.

The fact that you couldn't clarify, if he meant kids with you or kids in general after 14 months, says you know the answer to that and just don't want to face it.

You are choosing to remain in the life you currently have. You are choosing to not pursue the things you want. Until you choose to pursue the life you want, you can't really moan you don't have it.

I want a promotion at work. I need to work for it. If I choose to not work for it, do the bare minimum in my own job and I don't get a promotion then I need to the responsibility for my actions. And either change what I am doing or accept I am not getting the promotion.

@Sloaneslone I hear what you’re saying but I have tried for many years to settle down. Things just haven’t worked out. In that way, finding a relationship is a bit different to working for a promotion. Sometimes things just don’t work out and it’s shit. It’s much less out of my control than a promotion (I accept it is in my control a little though. But you can’t force it)

*much more out of my control

Ps my best friend is very similar in her thoughts to you and after years of been friends I don't contact her much these days as she is very negative and to be honest isn't good to be around anymore. She is never happy for anything in my life and even cried on my wedding day as her and her partner weren't getting on that well. She was my only bridesmaid! Other people told me this after event. Everything is about her. She never asks me anything about me till end of meet-up or as a obligation. Always late.
I just don't enjoy her company anymore as she is so negative.
I know people suffer with depression but years of it can be draining on others around them. I always feel worse after I've seen her!
You need to be careful of this in your life as you sound very negative/unhappy.
Only you can pull yourself out of this. There is no magic wand.
I do sympathise as I know you can't help way you feel but you need to change things now. Maybe read self help books, get counselling, CBT, join a gym, take up a new hobby.
You said you have a good job so focus and change your thinking/ways.
Let us know how you get on.
Hope you feel better and more positive soon.

[quote LetUso]@Sloaneslone I hear what you’re saying but I have tried for many years to settle down. Things just haven’t worked out. In that way, finding a relationship is a bit different to working for a promotion. Sometimes things just don’t work out and it’s shit. It’s much less out of my control than a promotion (I accept it is in my control a little though. But you can’t force it)[/quote]
And you can't force a promotion. Sometimes no matter how you try, you aren't the right person and you need to move on.

I am trying to word this gently, but I suspect you have spent alot of time in relationships that aren't quite right, hoping it magically becomes the relationship you want.

That's what you are doing here. You know it's not going to go anywhere quickly. Its not meeting your needs. You know there's a good chance it won't meet you needs for a long time if ever. But holding on. And won't even question wether he meant kids with you. You should be able to have that conversation without fear you will scare him off.

You know its not right but are keeping hold of it. Even if that's not what you have done in the past, it's what you are doing right now.

I am sorry you feel so stuck and down. I just think there's only you that can change this situation.

[quote LetUso]@billy1966 I don’t know if that’s true, we’ve progressed things slowly but surely. I spend a lot of time with him in the week. Nearly all his time outside work is with me. He’s supportive of my work, he does kind and thoughtful things. He talks about a future but no he hasn’t specifically said let’s spend forever together. He’s not really that sort of man though, to say things like that. I don’t know. I think maybe I just say either we move in by x date or I’m off to find someone who wants the same things as me?[/quote]
OP,

How can you be spending so much time with him and feel so alone?

That is not how one feels when you are with someone who feels deeply for you.

I think you need to ask him is he on the same page and listen to his words and watch his actions.

You sound so negative about a man who you have exchanged words of love with.

@billy1966 I think I just feel confused. I am happy when with him. He’s such a caring, hard working, kind person. I do love him. We laugh a lot. But I can’t get the feeling of wanting to be settled out of my mind. I obsess over it. I can’t exactly expect him to want to buy a home and have a family immediately can I? I don’t want to ruin things. He talks openly about wanting these things. I have a horrible history of self sabotage. I know rationally that while he can be a bit slow and steady type rather than the rushing in type, that that’s really his only flaw in terms of us progressing. I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better about things.

Oh OP. I get how you're feeling but there's two things that jump out to me. Before you can have a successful relationship with another person you first have to love yourself, as in, realise you don't need anyone else to make you happy. You seem to see that the happiness your sister has is entirely down to her not being single. That's just not true. I was single in my 30s after multiple failed and abusive relationships and I also remember it as the time I genuinely loved just being me. Being single for me was indulgent and selfish in that I could do exactly what I wanted whenever and I wasn't going to change that unless someone amazing came my way. I was happy in my own skin.

Secondly. I did meet someone amazing. Aged 36. We're blissfully happy, married, with DC and I still think he's perfect.

I genuinely believe I met him when I did because I was finally happy with myself. I didn't need a partner to fix me or make me whole. Neither do you. It honestly sounds like either your partner isn't the right one, or he's feeling the pressure to fill in the gaps of your insecurity and it's quite honestly off-putting.

DH and I moved in together after 3 months. It was right and we didn't regret it. It's time to throw this one back in the sea and work on yourself a bit.