Struggling with jealousy over everything they have

[LetUso]

My younger sister is having a baby with a man she met age 20, they’re now 32. They have a nice home, she won’t need to go back to work.

I have been in numerous horrible short relationships (online dating) and also ones that didn’t work out. I also lost a baby a few years ago. I am seeing someone and in a good job that pays well, but all my life all ive wanted is to settle down and have a family. I’ve been with current man (who is actually lovely, I am lucky), for a year and 2 months..no sign of us settling down. I’m 34. I’m so jealous of my sister. I am jealous of most people. It doesn’t feel fair that she met someone at 20 and I’ve been through heartbreak, loneliness, etc for all of that time. And I’m still alone.

My family see her as the one who is settled and got it all together. While I’m still driving around (as is my partner) mid week to stay with each other. I feel like a mess. And I’m so jealous.

I just wanted to post to get it off my chest. Finding today hard.

I asked him last night what he saw in his future and he said he didn’t want to wait long to have kids. No mention of us doing it.

But you are the one he is with at the moment, he has told you he loves you, you need an honest and open conversation or leave him! But it sounds like he is telling you he wants what you want….

I met my DH at 30, he was slow to commit, but we got engaged after 2yrs, married a year later - I was almost 34, most of my friends were married, some with kids, before then.

But 25 years on, one is widowed, some are separated/divorced, life is not as plain sailing for everyone as you think it is! My own sibling lost his only child suddenly 3yrs ago. We have had our problems, including a premature baby born with heart problems.

You have a lot going for you but need that conversation with your partner to decide what your next move is. And before you think 34 is too old…my cousin became a first time mum at 47 after meeting her partner at 40!

Op, I think you need to take a few days and then re read this thread.

You say you have worked so hard at having a successful relationship. Then you have a terrible habit of self sabotage.

You feel lonely, but spend loads of time with him

You say he talks openly about wanting kids etc, but you can't ask him about your relationship and your needs without scaring him off.

I think the reason you are so down at the moment is, because deep down you know this relationship isn't for you. You are holding on and not acknowledging that, because you believe that would be just sabotaging it and don't really want to let him go.

But actually you are sabotaging yourself. You know what you want. You know you aren't sure he wants the same things. But you are staying anyway. You won't ask him, incase it puts him off. So you can sit in this limbo, blaming bad luck.

You are sabotaging your own plans for your life and your own goals.

@Sloaneslone

Op, I think you need to take a few days and then re read this thread.

You say you have worked so hard at having a successful relationship. Then you have a terrible habit of self sabotage.

You feel lonely, but spend loads of time with him

You say he talks openly about wanting kids etc, but you can't ask him about your relationship and your needs without scaring him off.

I think the reason you are so down at the moment is, because deep down you know this relationship isn't for you. You are holding on and not acknowledging that, because you believe that would be just sabotaging it and don't really want to let him go.

But actually you are sabotaging yourself. You know what you want. You know you aren't sure he wants the same things. But you are staying anyway. You won't ask him, incase it puts him off. So you can sit in this limbo, blaming bad luck.

You are sabotaging your own plans for your life and your own goals.

@Sloaneslone he makes me happy though. I’ve never laughed like I do with him. I still can’t believe I have met someone like him. But no matter who I am with I will have this obsession with wanting to settle down. 5 months in I felt the same about him. I wanted to settle down. I’ve felt unhappy about it ever since. I am not sure it is to do with him

just feel very alone. Money does replace or remove loneliness. In fact it can make you feel lonelier. The more I have, the more shit it feels not to be able to share things. Life, to me at least, is meaningless when lived alone.

This is the note that keeps sounding through your posts, OP and it's an interesting (and concerning) clash with what you say about your actual situation, that you are have close friends and are in a relationship with a man who loves you. Why are you feeling so alone? Do you have a very individual definition of 'alone'? Because you say you spent all the Christmases in your twenties 'alone' are you actually saying that you never spent Christmases with your family, friends, or then boyfriends, or do you just mean you weren't married or living with someone at those Christmases?

You seem to be doing a lot of indirect hinting and hoping -- you say you asked him 'what he saw in his future', and when he replied that he'd like to have children before too long, you were depressed because he didn't say 'with you', but you didn't follow it up by saying what you wanted. (Why would you assume that a man you've been with for over a year and who has recently said he loved you wasn't considering having children with you? Do you think he's marking time?)

And you say his tenancy falls due in January, and that you 'will be very upset if we aren't then thinking of us', but have you actually said you would like to live together?

If he is just marking time, isn't it better to take the bull by the horns and know it, rather than second-guessing his intentions?

@CowsEatingAtNight

just feel very alone. Money does replace or remove loneliness. In fact it can make you feel lonelier. The more I have, the more shit it feels not to be able to share things. Life, to me at least, is meaningless when lived alone.

This is the note that keeps sounding through your posts, OP and it's an interesting (and concerning) clash with what you say about your actual situation, that you are have close friends and are in a relationship with a man who loves you. Why are you feeling so alone? Do you have a very individual definition of 'alone'? Because you say you spent all the Christmases in your twenties 'alone' are you actually saying that you never spent Christmases with your family, friends, or then boyfriends, or do you just mean you weren't married or living with someone at those Christmases?

You seem to be doing a lot of indirect hinting and hoping -- you say you asked him 'what he saw in his future', and when he replied that he'd like to have children before too long, you were depressed because he didn't say 'with you', but you didn't follow it up by saying what you wanted. (Why would you assume that a man you've been with for over a year and who has recently said he loved you wasn't considering having children with you? Do you think he's marking time?)

And you say his tenancy falls due in January, and that you 'will be very upset if we aren't then thinking of us', but have you actually said you would like to live together?

If he is just marking time, isn't it better to take the bull by the horns and know it, rather than second-guessing his intentions?

@CowsEatingAtNight I think I have just lost faith in everything really. Deep down I don’t think it will work out because nothing ever has. He even said a while ago that I always assume the worst in him. He said it jokingly but obviously there is truth in it. I tried to stop that after he said it. I’m just so fed up. I don’t want to have to have the relationship really...I just want to click my fingers and have a settled home. I know I can’t do that but it’s hard.

When I say alone, I mean isolated I suppose. The odd one out. Not physically alone but it’s lonely leaving Christmas dinner and going home to an empty house. It’s sad having nobody to decorate a Christmas tree with so you don’t bother. I know these things are ridiculous in the grand scheme of life and there are far bigger problems. I know that. I just wish I could get home from work to a home that was shared with a partner. I had it in my twenties for a couple of gears with an ex and it was the happiest I had ever been. It maybe does sound pathetic to people, I don’t know. But it’s not like I’ve not worked and got independence. I have my own home and a job, I just wish it wasn’t alone. And I know I will never stop thinking that.

It just sounds as if you are potentially damaging this relationship with a man you say you love by resenting it for not being able to time-travel back and turn it into a 'settled home' of several years standing. Why not tell him you'd like to move in together soon, or when his tenancy falls due? If he said, yes, he'd like that too, would that make you happy?

I also wonder whether you have very specific expectations of what constitutes a 'settled life'. DH and I have been together since our teens, but despite being committed to one another, we spent long periods in a LDR, studying and then working in different countries for half the year, with 'home' being a series of flatshares until we bought a place, though even then I was only there some of the time until we had DS and I moved jobs, and that wasn't till we were in our late 30s.

@CowsEatingAtNight

It just sounds as if you are potentially damaging this relationship with a man you say you love by resenting it for not being able to time-travel back and turn it into a 'settled home' of several years standing. Why not tell him you'd like to move in together soon, or when his tenancy falls due? If he said, yes, he'd like that too, would that make you happy?

I also wonder whether you have very specific expectations of what constitutes a 'settled life'. DH and I have been together since our teens, but despite being committed to one another, we spent long periods in a LDR, studying and then working in different countries for half the year, with 'home' being a series of flatshares until we bought a place, though even then I was only there some of the time until we had DS and I moved jobs, and that wasn't till we were in our late 30s.

@CowsEatingAtNight yes I think that’s right. I see a settled life as total consistency which I know is impossible. The home really represents that to me. If he wanted to move in then yes I would be happy. But I would then most likely worry that we hadn’t bought somewhere together, and so it goes on. I can never just enjoy where we are at. I usually spend four days of the week with him (ie in the same house but working in the day). I know that’s not much different to living together but I am always seeking that next step. It’s rubbish because he is actually the best relationship I’ve ever had. He’s pretty much exactly what I wanted in someone. I don’t know why I crave security so much but I know it’s the main reason I was desperate for a house of my own. It’s always been a huge thing to me.

@LetUso - you have had tons of useful advice here, but you continue to wallow in self-pity.

Sorry to be blunt, but I think you really need to face up to this. And get therapy. Otherwise you'll continue your self-sabotage your life.

Sloaneslonehe makes me happy though. I’ve never laughed like I do with him. I still can’t believe I have met someone like him. But no matter who I am with I will have this obsession with wanting to settle down. 5 months in I felt the same about him. I wanted to settle down. I’ve felt unhappy about it ever since. I am not sure it is to do with him

You felt unhappy since you realised you wanted to live with him? Is that because you know he doesn't want to, or that it will take him a long time.

Above you said you tried changed behaviour because he made a joke about you expecting the worse. You don't actually, know wether he thinks this or its a joke.

Honestly, sounds like you aren't really sure who you are or want to be. Which is causing the isolation. You think commitment and living together will fix it. But I don't think it will.

A relationship won't make life perfect, if the issue is within yourself

Especially, if you can't be open and honest and ask for clarification about your future.

@Melminiani

I was single until my mid 40s OP, so I really do understand how hard it is being in your mid 30s and seeing everyone living the life you always thought you would live. I’d wanted children since my teenage years and at 35, I was childless, single and working in a maternity hospital. It was fucking hard and I hated the way that the bitterness was starting to eat me up. My siblings, my friends, strangers in the hospital even, everyone was coupled up and starting families.

So I took a long hard look at myself and my life and gave myself some very tough love.

Life isn’t fair.

I have no idea why we expect it to be fair, as nobody sits us down when we’re young and tells us that it should always be fair, but for some reason, we grow up with this entitled expectation that it should be. But it isn’t. And I know you may not want to hear it, but the alternative is for you to continue only seeing what you don’t have in relation to everything that you think everyone else has, and to let this jealousy grow in you like a cancer. So you have a decision to make.

I told myself this truth. I also told myself that I might not get to have children, or the life I’d dreamed of having for so long, and that it would be the best thing for me to find a way to be ok with that worst case scenario, or I’d have even more of a sad life wasting it feeling bitter and jealous.

I am still so grateful that I took the decision to shift my perspective. It enabled me to take a career break and move abroad for a while to follow a creative dream, it enabled me to see how kid-rich I was with nieces, nephews and Godchildren, and that I would get out of life only what I put in to it. There are days when I can still feel sad for myself for not having had the life I’d hoped for, but I look around at all I do have, all the freedom and potential that my life still has, and I feel grateful and keep moving onwards.

There is so much great advice on this thread and at present, you seem unwilling to engage with it as you want to defend your right to feel hard done by. But in the end, the only person who will lose out from this is you.

So I’m really sorry to tough love you, but I also think your future self will thank the you now who makes a decision to focus on all the ways that you can take, right now, to embrace your life as it is.

Wishing you the very best of life moving forward 💐

This is a wonderful post that has helped me with something this evening. Thank you. 💐

@Hopeisnotastrategy thank you, I’m so very pleased it’s helped you. Good luck! ☀️

I'm going to go against the grain here and say jealousy is not an ugly emotion. It's normal it's human, you're human. The only issue is that we can't seem to express it in RL because it's seen as a shameful emotion, and something that must be suppressed. I agree it's probably not best to go shouting from the rooftops about being jealous, but definitely think it's unhealthy to never express the feeling. Yes it is annoying that things seem to just happen for some people whilst others struggle for a very long time. It's so unfair. Get it off your chest. After that move on, make changes to your life to try to achieve what you want for yourself. You'll be surprised at how much you can change to get where you want to be although of course there will still be things that are out of your control but change what you can.

Hi OP, your situation sounds similar to one's I've been in and I can really rate to the jealousy and insecurity and not knowing if it is self sabotage or if it just wasn't right when things break up. I have also been accused of saying I always assuming the worst. My best ex boyfriend loved me for everything I was including the fretting part, and I think that was a healthy and loving relationship. My last boyfriend said I had 'too many emotional needs' but he was very unstable in the way he felt about us which fed those, and he had been single for over a decade and did not know how to handle others emotions. I think he may have actually been a little autistic as he got very distressed when I was upset. I am starting to suspect I've just been choosing colder men and then blaming myself. Don't know if that resonates with you.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants another old bird perspective. Don’t compromise what you want and remember the race is long yes your sister may have everything you think you want but it may not last life gets in the way and shit happens or doesn’t. Concentrate on yourself and make your life great. I was with someone for 9 years he wouldn’t commit last year i finished it then I reheated the soup with a previous bf from years ago We were so happy moved in immediately we had a great life planning what we were going to do what we would see planning a blessing in NY it was a dream everyone loved him you get the drift now he’s been diagnosed with early onset dementia early this year and had a mild stroke Sunday. FML - my dear OP you just never know what’s around the corner ♥️

I don’t understand.

You’ve got your own home, a career, a close family with your first niece/nephew on the way, a partner you think of the world of and vice versus, and who is on the same page as you as he has indicated he does want kids soonish… what on earth is there to be miserable about?

I'm in my 40s and I still don't have the things you either have or want.

There's a beauty in forging your own way through life and finding the joy in what you do have and accepting what you don't. I used to see myself in much the age way until a friend confided in me that many of my female friends see my life as very positive and some are envious of the way, as they see it, I have rejected the social norms and gone own way.

If you sister has truly never experienced any heartache or hardship then it will hit her hard when she does (eg when your parents age and die). I've known a couple of people who didn't have any 'scars on their soul' and, tbh, it didn't make them better people. They became intolerant, judgemental and lacked empathy. They didn't have the resilience to cope when sad times inevitably hit either.

OP, I get that you are deeply unhappy but the thing is usually happiness comes from within (and defined by your biochemistry and hormones).

One of my favourite movie is Under Tuscan sun with Diane Lane it shows the journey of a woman after her life spirraled out of control with husband affair and divorce and how she is rebuilding her life. It's very positive and shows her shifting from I want it all and I want it now to caring about people around her and finding her own happiness.

Having spent years of infertility and one failed IVF cycle (there were no eggs so there was no point in trying again), I do understand. My SIL meanwhile kept having babies (she now has 5). She even had the nerve to tell us that she thought we shouldn’t be doing IVF because of the ‘spare embryos’.

So yes, I was jealous of her back then. And no, it really wasn’t fair that she could conceive easily and I couldn’t at all.

Later my DSis had her two bio DC (she also adopted a third). But by then I’d been through therapy and had found a way to come to terms with how things were.

By then, though, my DH and I had decided to adopt. We now have two DDs of 12 and 9 (they’re full birth siblings). It’s a much harder road, admittedly, but I no longer look at either my SIL nor my DSis in envy. I’m aware that they’ve had their own battles to deal with.

You say that you can’t switch off the feelings of jealousy. That’s where therapy can be helpful; it gives the chance to process the feelings we have and where they come from. It may also help you to see that your sister’s life just panned out differently and isn’t necessarily better.

I’ve read the whole thread and want to come at this from a slightly different angle to many.

I think OP that while you believe this is what you want, a settled life cohabiting with a partner and kids, you’re actually terrified of it, and deep down either don’t want it at all (but think it’s what you should want) or don’t believe you deserve it.

You’re in a really good position to get those things, you’re in an apparently loving relationship with a man who says he wants kids soon, financially stable and in secure housing. You’re in the perfect position to move forward into what you say you want. But you’re sat there actively choosing not to take the next natural step with your partner. You’re choosing to sit quietly when he says he wants kids soon, even though the clear subtext is that it would be with you. You’re choosing not to raise that you want to move in when his tenancy is up in January but sitting there catastrophising about how he won’t want that instead of finding out. You could be saving some precious time by making sure you’re on the same page of him, actually talking about it, which would get you closer to these things either with him or free you up while you’re still young enough to have time for kids to meet someone else.

You’re not a victim here. You’ve ended up here partly through random luck like we all do, and partly through the decisions and choices you’ve made. You’re so bitter towards everyone else who you perceive has what you don’t that your eye in on that rather than on what you do have and taking steps to get the rest of what you want in life. That’s a choice.

You don’t need me to say this, but you have options:

• seek therapy
• see your GP to check if you have depression or GAD and explore medication
• tell your partner your expectations if you’re to remain together
• start looking into solo parenting, to understand your options
• ending it with him because you don’t believe it’s right and dating with intent
• stopping being a recluse and getting back out there, trying to make more of the life you have and at the same time increasing your chances of meeting someone

You have the world at your feet as an unencumbered 34 year old woman, with financial means, your own house, a boyfriend, family, a good job. If you choose to remain in this place and choose to sit back and allow things to passively happen to you then you risk ending up older, and it being too late to have children. I make no apologies for being stark. You’re 34. Choose to act or don’t, it’s down to you. And be honest with yourself about what you truly want... and what you are trying to force yourself to want because it’s expected of you.

A cautionary tale Op.

Many moons ago, I was your like your sister, and my sister was just like you.

I got engaged at 19, married at 20, we had good jobs, I got pregnant easily, my DH climbed up the ladder at work, we had a huge house and plenty of money.

My sister, on the other hand, was single for a long time, had no money, a tiny terraced house, she also had a horrible first marriage that ended, and then when she did meet someone else, she had fertility problems.

She absolutely hates me, and it all stems from jealousy. The thing is though, that my fairy tale life fell down around my ears, when I found out that my DH was cheating on me, and had been the whole time (multiple women). We divorced and I had to start over. I have built myself back up, but obviously nowhere near to the financial place I was before, but I've been lucky and now have a lovely DH.

My sister who was never well off back in the day, has since done well at work, married someone who earns well, they have inherited loads of money, and they now live in a £500k house with no mortgage. They overcame the infertility issue and have 2 lovely DC.

BUT. Because she was so jealous of me for years, she ruined our relationship, and we are now No Contact.

She got everything she wanted in the end - the nice DH, the big house, the 2 healthy DC, but lost her only sister, by being jealous and nasty when she thought she was the under dog.

The whole thing is such a shame. Don't be us.

@LetUso this will sound harsh but you're the architect of your own misery.

You've chosen to waste time of the wrong sorts of men, including, very tellingly, the one you're currently with. Anyone serious about having kids and commitment would have dumped the current time waster you've got now. You're letting this 41 year-old commitmentphobic future faking man control your life and your dream. Get proactive!

The brutal truth is if you're in the habit of picking and staying with the wrong men, it's very unlikely you would have chosen a good man when you were in your 20s anyway, the way your sister did (or even have wanted to settle down at that point). The good news is that time is on your side as long as you kick this man to the kerb. Unfortunately I suspect you won't, and will be back on here in 5 years time lamenting that he's now dragging his feet trying to conceive. When a man is serious about a woman and having a future with her, the guy is practice in moving things along to marriage etc., especially at your ages.

*proactive not practice

When a man is serious about a woman and having a future with her, the guy is practice in moving things along to marriage etc., especially at your ages.

So very true.

Don’t waste your time on anyone who doesn’t share your hopes for the future and doesn’t enthusiastically make plans with you. Recipe for resentment, heartache and loss.

It annoys me when men say 'I want to have kids soon' but then leave you hanging as to whether it's with you or not. Surely after a year they would feel able to say this?

[quote SarahDarah]@LetUso this will sound harsh but you're the architect of your own misery.

You've chosen to waste time of the wrong sorts of men, including, very tellingly, the one you're currently with. Anyone serious about having kids and commitment would have dumped the current time waster you've got now. You're letting this 41 year-old commitmentphobic future faking man control your life and your dream. Get proactive!

The brutal truth is if you're in the habit of picking and staying with the wrong men, it's very unlikely you would have chosen a good man when you were in your 20s anyway, the way your sister did (or even have wanted to settle down at that point). The good news is that time is on your side as long as you kick this man to the kerb. Unfortunately I suspect you won't, and will be back on here in 5 years time lamenting that he's now dragging his feet trying to conceive. When a man is serious about a woman and having a future with her, the guy is practice in moving things along to marriage etc., especially at your ages.[/quote]
I agree with this.

Start dating guys your own age who want the same things. Lots of guys want families and want to make that happen.

You are choosing to stay with someone who is stringing you along, that's on you and nothing to do with your sister.