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Relationships

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Original poster

called off wedding, do I go back or leave?

127 replies

Lostandconfused21 · 05/07/2021 22:13

I called off my wedding in February 2021 (I'm 26 and he's 27) because my gut feeling was telling me that I shouldn't get married, we have been together for 3 years but have known eachother for way longer. I dreaded the future and what it may hold. We had about a 2 month break from eachother which I had intiated.

The reasons why I didn't want to get married: I lost attraction for him, he didn't make effort in his appearance and didn't want to buy any new clothes for himself ever, I had to buy it for him. He didn't make me feel special, he wasn't very sociable. I was his entire social life.

Since the break, he's been going to the gym more regularly. Buying himself new clothes which he would never dare to do before. He's making new friendships outside of me. He has more confidence and just seems more positive. Both of us used this time to talk to other people on dating apps etc. He said that it has helped him appreciate me a lot more and does not have a toxic attachment to me anymore i.e. before, he felt that if i left him he wouldn't be able to get another girl like me. He no longer feels that way, he feels he would be able to date but feels like he is choosing me for the right reasons. (I kinda forced him to date, wasn't his idea)

My feelings: I am starting to grow more attraction for him, I have dated other men and I was close to getting with someone but I stopped because of him as I thought I should give it another try and if it doesn't work then it can be ended properly. I love how maturely he handled this whole situation despite me calling off the wedding! It makes me feel like he could handle most problems in future. He is making an effort to make me feel special more. I like that he is more confident within himself. We have a laugh together, he's my best friend honestly and I never get tired of his company. He's 10/10 in bed. I know he would make a good father, he has a good job. He's not the best looking, and he is a bit short for man. I did try date taller men as per my cousins advice to see how I feel but I don't think it is the important on the list. (I know that bit is shallow)

Soooo do I go back to him despite calling off the wedding!?

OP posts:

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 05/07/2021 22:15

I would date him, with no commitment either way, and see how it goes. Give it time. Make sure these changes aren't just out of desperation and are sustainable. And that your relationship truly can be re-established on a healthier footing. That is hard.

Hotcuppatea · 05/07/2021 22:15

You sound like you love him and like him. Maybe the break was exactly what you both needed.

Original poster

Lostandconfused21 · 05/07/2021 22:18

Also, I wanted to add. I'm still tempted to date other men just to see what is out there on a casual basis. I wouldn't do anything physical with them though. I think that's what I need this year as once I am married I won't get this opportunity again. My gut feeling says I will go back to him though due to his qualities.

OP posts:

Workinghardeveryday · 05/07/2021 22:21

Sorry op, your post sounds incredibly shallow. It’s all about looks ultimately.....

Blindleadingtheblind · 05/07/2021 22:22

Ooh tough one Op. On the one hand it's good youbhavebt rushed into marrying him if you dont feel it's right. On the other hand even if you went back to him it sounds like you would be settling for the devil you know (he doesn't seem like a bad person, I'm just using the phrase). I would hold out for longer. Why do you want to date others and what made you force him to date too?

Original poster

Lostandconfused21 · 05/07/2021 22:25

@Blindleadingtheblind

Totally understand the phrase you used. I was the first person he ever dated and was in a relationship with so I wanted him to have the experience of dating others. Before he never had the confidence due to various reasons and now he is able to. He's still young so I think it's important. I don't know if I am settling because I could have easily ended it completely but I don't want to..

OP posts:

Original poster

Lostandconfused21 · 05/07/2021 22:26

@Workinghardeveryday

Sorry op, your post sounds incredibly shallow. It’s all about looks ultimately.....

It's about attraction and attraction is important

OP posts:

Original poster

Lostandconfused21 · 05/07/2021 22:26

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

Thanks for the advice, it is indeed hard. I might go for therapy aswell tbh

OP posts:

JustAnotherOldMan · 05/07/2021 22:49

I’m going to play devils advocate and say that it Sounds like calling of your wedding has caused him to reinvent himself, maybe he will find someone who like him a bit more now and not just for his new clothes etc

Treaclespongeandcustard · 05/07/2021 22:54

I think you need to move on, it doesn’t sound like he’s ‘the one’. How long before he feels comfortable again and his standards slip? If you don’t ‘like him just as he is’ (to steal from Bridget Jones’s Diary) then I think you should keep looking. Forever is a loooong time!

Eachpeachpears · 05/07/2021 22:58

He deserves better than you and how you've treated him. Do him a favour of you have any care for him, and let him go.
Looks fade but personality lasts a life time. You called off your wedding because he hadn't bought new clothes in a while... Come on.

seensome · 05/07/2021 23:00

Does he know you want to go back to him or are you just assuming he'll take you back? Don't! he deserves much better

aibubaby · 05/07/2021 23:11

Tough one! It's easy to see it either way:

You weren't really right together and now you've both had chance to confront starting the dating process again you just miss the easiness of it

You needed the break to appreciate each other and the relationship and value what was good about it, and you're both approaching it with a healthy outlook which takes into account both your needs.

I think try again, take it slow: don't start at "just about to get married", take the time to date each other and talk like you would with a new relationship, talk about what you want for the future and how you'd like to prevent things getting stale. And both explicitly discuss your expectations and whether they're reasonable - do you always want to feel strong physical attraction, and do you feel he should be responsible for maintaining himself to that end? Should you be expected to do the same? What about illness or pregnancy or injury? Should you be 'allowed' to socialise as much as you like regardless of his lower social need and should he accept that? Are you happy to do that? And so on and so on...

Often we slip into roles or norms or behaviours in relationships without consciously choosing them and then we have to have a conversation later on where you correct your course so to speak. You have a really good opportunity to actively discuss this stuff and see if you can get to a matching path.

Tedsy2 · 05/07/2021 23:16

I don't think you have had a proper break, you are still too involved with him. It's too bad with COVID that travel might not be easy right now but I think getting away and having some real time apart with no contact would really help you! I think you are finding it tempting to slip back into familiar ways but overall he might not be the one for you. I think a real 6 month break would give you more clarity.

wanderedlonelyasacloud · 05/07/2021 23:18

It's possible the break has done both of you some good but honestly it sounds like hes worked on improving himself (confidence wise and socially) while you've been apart and now that hes doing better you dont want him to be with anyone else.

I have to say I dont think you'd be getting back with him for the right reason ie because you're IN love with him

Kokosrieksts · 05/07/2021 23:19

If you want to date other men then you don’t love your ex and that’s your answer. And the fact that you mention he’s a bit short and not so good looking, oh dear, none of that matters when you have the right person for you. Move on.

hawkehurstgang · 05/07/2021 23:22

I'd say don't go back. If for you your attraction to him is based on his having been going to the gym recently, and because he's been making an effort with his physical appearance, and you weren't so into him when he didn't do these things... You'll go off him again. He will stop with the effort at some point. Whether it's shortly after you get back together, or a couple of years after you're married, he will inevitably stop. It's normal to make an effort with your appearance when you've been dumped and are feeling a bit down, it doesn't mean he will keep it up forever! And if this is a huge deal to you, then you will go off him again when he gives up.

parkerpop · 05/07/2021 23:22

I think the fact you want to date other people then that tells you all you need to know......

Sounds like you think you might be able to do better but if you don't he'll do as someone to settle down with and have kids.

You shouldn't even be considering marriage while you're still even remotely in meeting someone else

ikeepseeingit · 05/07/2021 23:22

I'm not sure this is a situation the internet can help you with. My only thoughts are that time will tell. One thing I will say is I think you need to take a look at what you think a long-term relationship will bring. They are not always full of attractiveness and amazing sex and keeping on top of your clothing. Sometimes they are full of dirty nappies and long shifts and sick relatives.

After the year we've had in lockdown it sounds like you haven't recognised that he might have been depressed because he COULDN'T leave the house, see his friends or buy anything. Why is it his fault? Why did you expect him to care in January and February when he couldn't even see his family? You say he didn't buy clothes or see people or go to the gym, all of the things that were almost impossible for the vast majority of the year.

I feel you were too hard on him, and that you need to be sure you don't mess him about in the future.

BustyDusty · 05/07/2021 23:26

26 going on 9.

BustyDusty · 05/07/2021 23:27

You aren't ready to experiment with omlettes let alone get married.

Notapheasantplucker · 05/07/2021 23:42

I think he should move on from you tbh.

KurtWilde · 05/07/2021 23:47

I think you should let him move on instead of keeping him on the back burner.

QueenBee52 · 06/07/2021 03:01

Let him go 🌸

Figgyboa · 06/07/2021 03:46

You did him a favor, calling of the wedding. You sound immature. Yes, attraction is important but it's not determined by the clothes you wear.

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