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Original poster

called off wedding, do I go back or leave?

127 replies

Lostandconfused21 · 05/07/2021 22:13

I called off my wedding in February 2021 (I'm 26 and he's 27) because my gut feeling was telling me that I shouldn't get married, we have been together for 3 years but have known eachother for way longer. I dreaded the future and what it may hold. We had about a 2 month break from eachother which I had intiated.

The reasons why I didn't want to get married: I lost attraction for him, he didn't make effort in his appearance and didn't want to buy any new clothes for himself ever, I had to buy it for him. He didn't make me feel special, he wasn't very sociable. I was his entire social life.

Since the break, he's been going to the gym more regularly. Buying himself new clothes which he would never dare to do before. He's making new friendships outside of me. He has more confidence and just seems more positive. Both of us used this time to talk to other people on dating apps etc. He said that it has helped him appreciate me a lot more and does not have a toxic attachment to me anymore i.e. before, he felt that if i left him he wouldn't be able to get another girl like me. He no longer feels that way, he feels he would be able to date but feels like he is choosing me for the right reasons. (I kinda forced him to date, wasn't his idea)

My feelings: I am starting to grow more attraction for him, I have dated other men and I was close to getting with someone but I stopped because of him as I thought I should give it another try and if it doesn't work then it can be ended properly. I love how maturely he handled this whole situation despite me calling off the wedding! It makes me feel like he could handle most problems in future. He is making an effort to make me feel special more. I like that he is more confident within himself. We have a laugh together, he's my best friend honestly and I never get tired of his company. He's 10/10 in bed. I know he would make a good father, he has a good job. He's not the best looking, and he is a bit short for man. I did try date taller men as per my cousins advice to see how I feel but I don't think it is the important on the list. (I know that bit is shallow)

Soooo do I go back to him despite calling off the wedding!?

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/07/2021 04:13

Wow hard time for the OP- honestly OP you called off your wedding for a reason, he may be putting more effort in now but give if 5years and ruts set in again. I’d move on, enjoy yourself whilst young- don’t hold on to someone solely so someone else doesn’t get him.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 06/07/2021 04:24

Struggling to believe there are people entertaining this trite, vapid nonsense. Leave him alone. He can do better.

Sakurami · 06/07/2021 04:38

Hey. I don't think he's the man for you. Just because he's a nice guy and you haven't found anyone you prefer yet, doesn't mean he's right for you.

You're young, carry on enjoying dating and you'll know when the right person comes along.

caitQ · 06/07/2021 04:38

Deep down, I think you think you're hotter than him, and he should be grateful you're even willing to date him.

It sounds like the break has made him realise he shouldn't feel that way - he has something to offer and deserves to be with someone who feels a more equal partnership.

You, however, haven't changed.

I'm not criticising you - maybe objectively you are so much better than him. But if you feel that way, it's just not a healthy foundation for a relationship, even if you go all the way back to dating.

He's not the one for you. Let him go.

It's worth flagging that because he has been working on himself, he may meet someone quickly who he gets quite serious about quickly, and that is going to sting. However, it's just the way things are. He might have improved in this break, but he still isn't your person. He's someone else's perfect catch.

Leshan · 06/07/2021 04:41

"He's not the best looking."

Poor dude, he deserves better.

Sampafie · 06/07/2021 05:08

My gut feeling says I will go back to him though due to his qualities.

Youre that confident he'll take you back? Mkaay

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 06/07/2021 05:13

Exactly. How about you direct him to this thread? See how keen on your volte-face he is then 🙄

squiddylama · 06/07/2021 05:20

Sorry OP you sound really shallow. Let him go and be who he wants to be rather than you dictating his life and 'playing' with his feelings with dating other people

Flibbitygibbit · 06/07/2021 05:48

Nahhh, you need to go separate ways !

amylou8 · 06/07/2021 05:56

You should let him go. The him you saw in a settled relationship is who he is. He will not keep up this alpha male routine 5 or 10 years down the road, and that's clearly what you want.

Itsbeenalongwhile · 06/07/2021 06:37

Hi, OP.
You sound like you are really fond of him. Well done on calling off the wedding because it didn't feel right. That's a very brave thing to do.
I understand you about the attraction, it is not just because he hadn't both new clothes for himself. The not buying new clothes etc were just symptoms of what was lacking in him that you clearly need to have in a partner.
You are not in love with him though I understand you may believe you are.
The 'he' that you saw before calling off the wedding is the real him. The real him that does not have that x-factor you need even if he dresses more smartly now.

He is making an effort now and it is the unconscious fear of someone else having this 'him' that you have always wanted that is making you want to get back with him. But this new 'him' is not the real him and therefore not he is not The One for you but he is perfect for someone else.

You still have this push to date other people even with his improvements... you are not in love with him. Move on. It is hard but move on. Best of luck.

OldTinHat · 06/07/2021 06:41

I think you need to jog on and let him find someone who loves him for being him. You are coming across as spectacularly shallow.

KaptainKaveman · 06/07/2021 06:55

You sound unbelievably selfish and shallow OP. I pity the poor bloke and hope he meets someone less vain than you! You clearly see yourself as some kind of major catch.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/07/2021 06:58

Some men (and women) turn into potatoes as soon as they are in a steady relationship. Make sure this isn't a temporary change first and dont rush into marriage.

miltonj · 06/07/2021 07:13

I think you've both outgrown this relationship and you can both learn and grow from it.

I think if he was truly the one, you wouldn't be encouraging him to date. The thought of my partner dating others breaks my heart and that's normal when you're in love.

You also seem to think you could and should explore others more. A perfectly natural feeling. You need to decide if that feeling is stronger than your desire to be with your boyfriend.

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 06/07/2021 07:13

I was going to say give it another go until I read that “he’s not the best looking” and I imagined him knowing you’d said that.

Tryalittletenderness · 06/07/2021 07:18

I don’t think he would want you.

joystir59 · 06/07/2021 07:18

Getting married is about love. You aren't ready. Enjoy being single for a while and dating people. Develop your interests, friendships and career.

Umberellatheweatha · 06/07/2021 07:26

Nah, he'd only fall back into a rut again once you got back together.

You've said it yourself anyway that you feel the need to still be dating. So explore that. I think you need to actually cut him out if your life and see what else is out there.

Besided, relationships are meant to make you want to be the best version of yourself. But it didn't do that for him. You're not the one for eachother. He liked you, you were good company...but that's not enough.

And you both deserve to find that person who makes you want to be the best you, when you are together.

IWantT0BreakFree · 06/07/2021 07:30

You don't sound even close to being mature enough to be getting married yet. You shouldn't be having to talk yourself into wanting to marry someone either, which it sounds like you are doing. Just let the poor guy go, enjoy dating in your twenties and worry about marriage later on when you've found someone you truly want to be with, as they are.

AlternativePerspective · 06/07/2021 07:31

You’re probably no oil painting either.

I wouldn’t recommend anyone date you seriously since I sincerely doubt you’ve got what it takes to stick with someone for better or worse.

If you’re prepared to dump someone because they didn’t buy clothes, how would you cope if they were disfigured in an accident.

He needs to run a mile, and you need to grow up.

MareMare · 06/07/2021 07:33

Christ, OP, if you feel the need to date other people, don’t get married. It isn’t rocket science. Let him go and explore all the 6 ft 2” gym bunnies you like.

BikeRunSki · 06/07/2021 07:39

It rather sounds like he’s thrived without you !

Cyberworrier · 06/07/2021 07:42

I think you’ve had some rather harsh responses, even if I agree with the overall advice which is to let him go. You are still very young and shouldn’t be in a rush to get married, especially when you’ve so recently had such significant doubts and called it off. I think you did the right thing to call it off and that was very brave of you. As a pp said, you haven’t had enough of a break from him to really know how you feel and these doubts sound to me like fear of not finding anyone who is better suited to you. I think you should concentrate on yourself and let him go and I’m sure you won’t regret it (whereas im afraid you would regret getting back with him eventually and I’m sure you know it).

Chachachawoo · 06/07/2021 07:45

This has to be made up...