called off wedding, do I go back or leave?

[Lostandconfused21]

I called off my wedding in February 2021 (I'm 26 and he's 27) because my gut feeling was telling me that I shouldn't get married, we have been together for 3 years but have known eachother for way longer. I dreaded the future and what it may hold. We had about a 2 month break from eachother which I had intiated.

The reasons why I didn't want to get married: I lost attraction for him, he didn't make effort in his appearance and didn't want to buy any new clothes for himself ever, I had to buy it for him. He didn't make me feel special, he wasn't very sociable. I was his entire social life.

Since the break, he's been going to the gym more regularly. Buying himself new clothes which he would never dare to do before. He's making new friendships outside of me. He has more confidence and just seems more positive. Both of us used this time to talk to other people on dating apps etc. He said that it has helped him appreciate me a lot more and does not have a toxic attachment to me anymore i.e. before, he felt that if i left him he wouldn't be able to get another girl like me. He no longer feels that way, he feels he would be able to date but feels like he is choosing me for the right reasons. (I kinda forced him to date, wasn't his idea)

My feelings: I am starting to grow more attraction for him, I have dated other men and I was close to getting with someone but I stopped because of him as I thought I should give it another try and if it doesn't work then it can be ended properly. I love how maturely he handled this whole situation despite me calling off the wedding! It makes me feel like he could handle most problems in future. He is making an effort to make me feel special more. I like that he is more confident within himself. We have a laugh together, he's my best friend honestly and I never get tired of his company. He's 10/10 in bed. I know he would make a good father, he has a good job. He's not the best looking, and he is a bit short for man. I did try date taller men as per my cousins advice to see how I feel but I don't think it is the important on the list. (I know that bit is shallow)

Soooo do I go back to him despite calling off the wedding!?

@aibubaby

Tough one! It's easy to see it either way:

1. You weren't really right together and now you've both had chance to confront starting the dating process again you just miss the easiness of it

1. You needed the break to appreciate each other and the relationship and value what was good about it, and you're both approaching it with a healthy outlook which takes into account both your needs.

I think try again, take it slow: don't start at "just about to get married", take the time to date each other and talk like you would with a new relationship, talk about what you want for the future and how you'd like to prevent things getting stale. And both explicitly discuss your expectations and whether they're reasonable - do you always want to feel strong physical attraction, and do you feel he should be responsible for maintaining himself to that end? Should you be expected to do the same? What about illness or pregnancy or injury? Should you be 'allowed' to socialise as much as you like regardless of his lower social need and should he accept that? Are you happy to do that? And so on and so on...

Often we slip into roles or norms or behaviours in relationships without consciously choosing them and then we have to have a conversation later on where you correct your course so to speak. You have a really good opportunity to actively discuss this stuff and see if you can get to a matching path.

I appreciate this comment thank you, that is a very mature way of looking at it without throwing it away immediately I guess.

@PinkFlower232

If your gut was initially to not marry him I would go with that. Remember "it's easy to get married but hard to get divorced" You're still young. Live your life and find someone you know is perfect for you. Or better still don't live your life trying to find someone. Be yourself and let fate bring the right man in your life. Once you find yourself, the right man will find you. Don't settle if you originally knew he wasn't right. No matter what the reasons.

The thing is, many people use the term "slow burner" on here.. which is what this was. When I got to know him more, that's when I started to like him more. I don't know man.. my head is all over the place

@MilkAndBiscuits

This is a joke right?

If not, let him go.

He seems alot better off without you

Why do you think its a joke?

@caitQ

Deep down, I think you think you're hotter than him, and he should be grateful you're even willing to date him.

It sounds like the break has made him realise he shouldn't feel that way - he has something to offer and deserves to be with someone who feels a more equal partnership.

You, however, haven't changed.

I'm not criticising you - maybe objectively you are so much better than him. But if you feel that way, it's just not a healthy foundation for a relationship, even if you go all the way back to dating.

He's not the one for you. Let him go.

It's worth flagging that because he has been working on himself, he may meet someone quickly who he gets quite serious about quickly, and that is going to sting. However, it's just the way things are. He might have improved in this break, but he still isn't your person. He's someone else's perfect catch.

Physically, I am better looking but I feel like that's how a relationship should be (in my head). The woman tends to be better looking than the man but I guess there should be enough physical attraction there. The thing is, I did find things that I found physically attractive about him and he does turn me on easily in bed, I think that means something right? Thank you for not criticizing me harshly.

I thought I should overlook that as noone is completely perfect and most people will have partners who have a quality they don't like

Trying to overlook not being attracted to your partner is quite a big thing. Mostly it’s that they have an annoying habit.

You need to let him go.

I’m hoping he finds someone who will appreciate him for the man he is.

It sounds as though you are keeping him as an option while you go sniffing round for something more suitable.

And that’s fine to look for someone you want better.

It isn’t fine to keep him hanging on a hope.

And you keep mentioning your sex life. No one is asking.

For me, that makes you sound as though you are straying dangerously close to hairy handies territory.

A joke because you cant be serious?

If you are being serious

Then please allow him to get on with his life

@FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye

I thought I should overlook that as noone is completely perfect and most people will have partners who have a quality they don't like

Trying to overlook not being attracted to your partner is quite a big thing. Mostly it’s that they have an annoying habit.

but I must be attracted to him if he can easily turn me on? No?

And again with the sexy time talk.

I guess this is where my eyebrow wipes my harris.

So he is your best friend.
He has amazing qualities that nobody else you've dated so far has met
But he isn't physically your "type"?

Please don't string this poor man along while you mess around dating other people just to see if you can do "better" and expect him to wait around for you.

It sounds like he spent your time apart by making improvements to his life and you spent the time apart doing nothing to address your own issues to be honest.

Your issue isn't him. It's the way you feel about this situation.

I dont think you should be so unfair as to keep him hanging on to be incase you decide to go for it to be honest.

The qualities that he has are worth a million times more than someone who buys new clothes if you have children together. Trust me, you won't care one jot what he is wearing, just that he is a great husband and dad.

I think he should be with someone who adores him and values him. Unfortunately that isn't really you

If you want to date other men, then let him go for goodness sake.

You say he's your best friend, but where is your respect for him as someone with his own thoughts and feelings and not just as an option for dating?

You're clearly not ready for commitment so there's no rush to get married.

Enjoy dating but allow him the same freedom.

I think you should continue to date him if you want, but be very prepared for the shock of your life when he finds someone else who doesn’t have any of the doubts about him that you have.

This poor guy.

I couldn’t bear to think of my husband with someone else. The thought knocks me physically sick.

The fact you could encourage your ex to date other women is enough to tell me that he’s just not the man for you. Honestly, over the years any cracks will become chasms. Someone will eventually turn your head, or his head, and it’ll end in tears.

I wonder how he would feel if you shared these thoughts and feelings with him?
My guess is he'd run a mile!

If my partner said these things to me I would be heartbroken. BUT I would not be sticking around until THEY decided I was in favour again! FUCK THAT.
I hope you can see thats an appalling way to treat your 'best friend ' ?? Most people have told you this.
Of course you shouldn't stay or be in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. But don't string someone along while you're deciding, essentially making him do the 'pick me' dance.

Girl.. how often do fellas buy clothes lol

Let him go. He deserves better.

So we've heard a lot about what YOU want from him and how HE needs to change to meet your exacting standards, but what changes have you made? Or is it all up to him to fit into your ideal mould because you're so perfect and don't need to change? I think you need an attitude adjustment and a dose of reality, you might be hot shit now but age is the great equaliser and we'll see how good looking you are with wrinkles, grey hair and saggy tits.

As for just dating him casually after you had a wedding booked and then dumped him that's pretty terrible, the phrase shit or get off the pot comes to mind. Either get back together with him and rebook the wedding or let him move on. Given your hesitancy I would go with the latter option. Good luck finding your perfect, pretty Prince Charming I think you'll be waiting a long time

I think you’re playing mind games with him, let him go for his sake.

Physically, I am better looking but I feel like that's how a relationship should be (in my head). The woman tends to be better looking than the man but I guess there should be enough physical attraction there.

See, I think this is the problem. It's not just that you think you are better looking, you think you should be better looking. Why is that? So he'll never leave you? Because you're compensating for something? I'm willing to bet that there is some aspect of you that you're insecure about, and that's the thing you need to go away and work on before you can form a meaningful relationship with anyone, let alone this guy (who I will say again, I don't think is your guy).

The thing is, I did find things that I found physically attractive about him and he does turn me on easily in bed, I think that means something right? Thank you for not criticizing me harshly.

I think a good benchmark - even if you don't want children - is to imagine having children with half his genetic material. If your gut reaction is to not be happy with that genetic combination, you really don't think enough of him to want to be with him in the long term.

As for not being harsh, I was once in a similar place to you, and I do understand. Ultimately, my man was not a bad man, and despite how disastrously things ended, he's probably the only ex I have who I do wish well in life. He wasn't right for me - when someone is, you love them for all that they are, not despite things that they are - but I think he'll make someone a good husband one day, if indeed he's not already married.

It can be tempting to cling to a relationship when it's not all bad, but that's not enough. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is cut someone loose. I don't think you're a horrible person, so I think you have it in you to be kind and do that. You know he deserves someone who thinks she is equal to him, not better than him.

@caitQ

Physically, I am better looking but I feel like that's how a relationship should be (in my head). The woman tends to be better looking than the man but I guess there should be enough physical attraction there.

See, I think this is the problem. It's not just that you think you are better looking, you think you should be better looking. Why is that? So he'll never leave you? Because you're compensating for something? I'm willing to bet that there is some aspect of you that you're insecure about, and that's the thing you need to go away and work on before you can form a meaningful relationship with anyone, let alone this guy (who I will say again, I don't think is your guy).

The thing is, I did find things that I found physically attractive about him and he does turn me on easily in bed, I think that means something right? Thank you for not criticizing me harshly.

I think a good benchmark - even if you don't want children - is to imagine having children with half his genetic material. If your gut reaction is to not be happy with that genetic combination, you really don't think enough of him to want to be with him in the long term.

As for not being harsh, I was once in a similar place to you, and I do understand. Ultimately, my man was not a bad man, and despite how disastrously things ended, he's probably the only ex I have who I do wish well in life. He wasn't right for me - when someone is, you love them for all that they are, not despite things that they are - but I think he'll make someone a good husband one day, if indeed he's not already married.

It can be tempting to cling to a relationship when it's not all bad, but that's not enough. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is cut someone loose. I don't think you're a horrible person, so I think you have it in you to be kind and do that. You know he deserves someone who thinks she is equal to him, not better than him.

Thank you for your reply, i really appreciate it. I think deep down, I probably am insecure. I think part of wanting someone less attractive is because I know my looks aren't going to last forever.. That imagining genetic material was good advice tbh.

What happened after you left that relationship? Did you find someone that you were much happier with?

surely you must find him attractive. Do you just mean hes not the most handsome person youve ever seen. Theres a difference between that and fancying someone or finding them attractive. I fancy my dp a lot and vice versa. We are both nice looking, but im sure neither of us are the most beautiful person we have ever seen.

I think you should probably take this slow, and tbh, I think you could do with speaking to a relationship counsellor by yourself to unpick a few things about what you do and do want.

Leave him be. You don’t sound like a nice person - out for yourself and not considering his feelings and his wants at all. It’s all about you and you’ve caused enough harm to him already. He deserves better

You don’t sound like you love him. And what would you do if you start dating again and then he stopped going to the gym or wearing nice clothes?

You sound like you fancy him rather than love him. Poor bloke has had to go to the gym and buy clothes in order for you to feel he is worthy enough. What if you get back together and you put on weight and lose your job so you can't buy clothes? Would he be OK to dump you. You don't want a husband you want a fashion accessory.

I'm sorry this thread has made you feel rotten, OP. It's perhaps hard to put across what you're trying to describe in written format without sounding 'shallow', however I completely agree that attraction is important- doesn't have to mean you're looking for an Adonis, but I think when you're with the right person you find them crazily attractive even if they're a bit short or have developed a tum.
All your initial doubts and confusion suggest he's not the one for you or you for him. I'm basing this purely on my own experiences - I was with someone for 7 years who I loved and cared for very much. We were great friends. But I realised I wasn't attracted to him, I wasn't in love anymore and there were things I wanted to 'change'. That wasn't fair to him, and I didn't want to spend my future that way, so I ended it. I'm now happily married to The One for 7 years. We have two children and I have never doubted whether I should be with him for a second. He's shorter than I would have previously gone for, but I love that. I'm now a firm believer that if you were meant for each other dater 3 years there wouldn't be doubts in your mind.