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Relationships

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Original poster

called off wedding, do I go back or leave?

127 replies

Lostandconfused21 · 05/07/2021 22:13

I called off my wedding in February 2021 (I'm 26 and he's 27) because my gut feeling was telling me that I shouldn't get married, we have been together for 3 years but have known eachother for way longer. I dreaded the future and what it may hold. We had about a 2 month break from eachother which I had intiated.

The reasons why I didn't want to get married: I lost attraction for him, he didn't make effort in his appearance and didn't want to buy any new clothes for himself ever, I had to buy it for him. He didn't make me feel special, he wasn't very sociable. I was his entire social life.

Since the break, he's been going to the gym more regularly. Buying himself new clothes which he would never dare to do before. He's making new friendships outside of me. He has more confidence and just seems more positive. Both of us used this time to talk to other people on dating apps etc. He said that it has helped him appreciate me a lot more and does not have a toxic attachment to me anymore i.e. before, he felt that if i left him he wouldn't be able to get another girl like me. He no longer feels that way, he feels he would be able to date but feels like he is choosing me for the right reasons. (I kinda forced him to date, wasn't his idea)

My feelings: I am starting to grow more attraction for him, I have dated other men and I was close to getting with someone but I stopped because of him as I thought I should give it another try and if it doesn't work then it can be ended properly. I love how maturely he handled this whole situation despite me calling off the wedding! It makes me feel like he could handle most problems in future. He is making an effort to make me feel special more. I like that he is more confident within himself. We have a laugh together, he's my best friend honestly and I never get tired of his company. He's 10/10 in bed. I know he would make a good father, he has a good job. He's not the best looking, and he is a bit short for man. I did try date taller men as per my cousins advice to see how I feel but I don't think it is the important on the list. (I know that bit is shallow)

Soooo do I go back to him despite calling off the wedding!?

OP posts:

Polkadots2021 · 06/07/2021 14:16

@Lostandconfused21

Also, I wanted to add. I'm still tempted to date other men just to see what is out there on a casual basis. I wouldn't do anything physical with them though. I think that's what I need this year as once I am married I won't get this opportunity again. My gut feeling says I will go back to him though due to his qualities.

He deserves someone who thinks he's the One and who falls for who he is, hook, line & sinker. To you, he's an option and that's not fair. He's better than that.

SilverRoe · 06/07/2021 14:26

I don’t think you’re terrible either but i would ask yourself why you’ve spent so long essentially with a ‘fixer upper’ of a partner (in your eyes). You’ve helped him with lots of things and tried to find him attractive - as you moulded him to what you think he should be.

Why not go out there and find someone who you don’t feel you need to force yourself to be attracted to or help with their lives? Let him find his own way and what works for him and you find someone who you click with as they are, not how you think they could become.

Dozer · 06/07/2021 14:53

Yes, it sounds like you talked yourself into dating him, then continued when you were/are not that into him.

2bazookas · 06/07/2021 15:17

Leave him alone; he can do better.

Fullofglee · 06/07/2021 15:24

Imagine if a bloke said this about his gf and the reasons why he called the wedding off. You sound materialistic, what do you think happens when you have kids your body changes, as does your motivation to maintain your appearance. Looks change in time. You've done him a favour leave the lad to find someone who will treat him with the respect and love he deserves.

Keepitrealnomists · 06/07/2021 15:38

So I was the girlfriend who was in a long term relationship (9 years) had a mortgage but no children, when my boyfriend at the time decided because I was the only person he had been with he wanted to date other people to find out if I was 'the one' and for me to move out, wait for him and if he came back then it was meant to be. As if I was going to wait for him, I left him and never looked back. 6 months later he could see I was doing well and wanted to give it another go - that was never going to happen.
I went on to meet my wonderful DH and our relationship is magical, we have DC and I am truly happy.
Leave him, go your own way.

MeowPurrGrr · 06/07/2021 15:54

@Eachpeachpears

He deserves better than you and how you've treated him. Do him a favour of you have any care for him, and let him go. Looks fade but personality lasts a life time. You called off your wedding because he hadn't bought new clothes in a while... Come on.

My thoughts exactly! Sounds like he’s doing really well without you and will soon find someone who loves him unconditionally regardless of his height or clothes choice!

OP can continue dating until she finds her perfect looking tall man who’ll never grow old and always wear beautiful new clothes.

Motherofalittledragon · 06/07/2021 16:00

@Eachpeachpears

This ^^

MeowPurrGrr · 06/07/2021 16:08

@Lostandconfused21

Tbh you're all saying I've treated him badly but you hadn't seen our day to day relationship. I have helped him immensely with his confidence over the years and I have held his hand through very difficult times. I think maybe it's my fault for phrasing the question incorrectly.. For sometime the relationship had been impacting my mental health and had been dragging me down. Yes, physically he may not have been my type but I can't really help that and he made up for it with all the other qualities he offered. Him not being interested in having a social life impacted my social life and friendships and I couldn't live that way. The he wouldn't buy new clothes was on the extreme end where he would pretty much wear the same thing for months and probably impacted attraction to some extent. Obviously now he's buying now clothes and working on himself, I'm feeling some attraction which I was happy about. I dated other people because I am young and wouldn't have this opportunity in future if I had settled. I'm trying to see how these next few months go and then if I'm not feeling it then I am aware i will need to end it completely as it's definitely not fair on him!

Every part of this is about you.

Please work on yourself before getting into another relationship

Essentialironingwater · 06/07/2021 16:12

It doesn’t sound like you’re ready for marriage to be honest. In general, not with him!

I really feel for him. I would be crushed if I’d read the things you’ve written about effort and physical appearance. Yes, you need to be attracted to him but that’s usually something you figure out early on not tears down the line and isn’t related to clothing!

chilliplant634 · 06/07/2021 17:58

I think you should let him go. You don't love or respect him. You only seem to be concerned with yourself and your own wishes and desires. Your posts seem a tad narcissistic. The way you seem to be telling him what to do and maintaining your control over him. Explaining how much you have done for him. Even putting him on a shelf to date other people and then coming back to him when you fancy.

I hope he leaves this relationship with his self esteem and self respect intact. This really doesn't sound like an equal partnership.

Blueskytoday06 · 06/07/2021 18:19

He might just be the one that got away.

I wonder if he'd give you a chance ? Or just move on to someone who will accept him at his worst & best.

Ya never know what's round the corner and you might need to someone to accept you at a less than perfect you.

joesm12 · 06/07/2021 19:04

Sorry OP but you sound incredibly vain and immature. Certainly not ready for marriage.
You should love him for exactly who he is. If you don't and you can easily say "he's not the best looking" then he isn't for you.

I couldn't imagine not fancying my husband and loving how he looks.

Do you both a favour and let him go.

user432543424532 · 06/07/2021 19:11

The relationship has already ended.

All you're talking about now is your continued efforts to postpone grieving the end of it.

You need to stop the denial and accept it's over. Allow him to move on with his life. Start moving on with your own life.

Keepitrealnomists · 06/07/2021 19:16

I heard all this from my ex, I was nothing without him, I should be lucky to have him, I should be grateful that he didn't cheat on me even though he was approached by other girls, then it got alot worse......
OP, you sound immature... Just move on and find yourself on your own.... You will both be happier.

Ruddyknackered · 06/07/2021 19:24

Let him go and find someone who will adore him and treat him like a king, because they think he is wonderful and a king, not a safe bet or the best of a bad lot.

You feeling better than him is not doing either of you any favours.

BrilliantBetty · 06/07/2021 19:40

I'd leave it. For good.

It sounds like you're comfortable in his company and in the relationship. But want more... someone you have a deeper attraction to.
And that's fine!

But be decisive and if it's over, let it be over, don't keep him or yourself hanging on.

Hen2018 · 06/07/2021 19:40

He sounds much happier without you.

Original poster

Lostandconfused21 · 06/07/2021 20:16

@SilverRoe

I spent so long with him because before anything he is my bestfriend and he has so many good qualities that make him a good partner so I overlooked that he isn't my usual type and there are things that can I find attractive about him physically.

He's set the bar so high in terms of his qualities that it is hard to find someone that compares which is why I thought I should overlook that as noone is completely perfect and most people will have partners who have a quality they don't like.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lostandconfused21 · 06/07/2021 20:17

@chilliplant634

I hope he leaves this relationship with his self esteem and self respect intact. This really doesn't sound like an equal partnership.

I'm a narcissist for being open about my feelings? Ofc this is my thread so I'm going to talk about my wishes and desires... I think the word narcissist gets thrown around too much tbh

OP posts:

Original poster

Lostandconfused21 · 06/07/2021 20:19

@Blueskytoday06

He might just be the one that got away.

I wonder if he'd give you a chance ? Or just move on to someone who will accept him at his worst & best.

Ya never know what's round the corner and you might need to someone to accept you at a less than perfect you.

That's one of my fears, what if he comes the come that just got away?

Tbh, I've never had a problem ending a relationship before.. This is SO hard, not just because of how long the relationship was but just his qualities are hard to find.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lostandconfused21 · 06/07/2021 20:20

@Fullofglee

Yeah that's a very point thank you. I might be in my prime now but after kids etc. I might turn physically undesirable too.

OP posts:

KurtWilde · 06/07/2021 20:21

OP you seem fixated on looks and appearance!

Original poster

Lostandconfused21 · 06/07/2021 20:22

@Cyberworrier

You’re not an awful person! Crikey, there needs to be chemistry and physical attraction for a romantic relationship to work. Sounds like you do value qualities like kindness that your ex has, so you’re evidently not completely shallow as some are implying. However you were naive to think that you should marry someone with whom you had no physical chemistry (and very inconsiderate of his feelings). But much better to have realised this at your age and before having married or had children. Perhaps you could explore if there are attachment issues that led to you going headlong into this relationship despite the problems. But it doesn’t mean that someone is vain or an awful person for them to want to fancy their partner! Honestly I think you both sound young and inexperienced and there must have been lots of friendship there for you to have stayed together as long as you did. But now it’s time for you to let him go, work on yourself and get on with your life. You both deserve better than what you’d have together. Take care.

Thank you for your compassionate message and not labelling me as a narcissist. There's been some harsh comments on here tbh.

The thing is, we do have physical chemistry like our life in bed is really good 10/10 and he does turn me on easily. I do find things attractive about him but he just isn't my usual 'type' physically i guess.

OP posts:

MilkAndBiscuits · 06/07/2021 20:25

This is a joke right?

If not, let him go.

He seems alot better off without you

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