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Relationships

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Original poster

called off wedding, do I go back or leave?

127 replies

Lostandconfused21 · 05/07/2021 22:13

I called off my wedding in February 2021 (I'm 26 and he's 27) because my gut feeling was telling me that I shouldn't get married, we have been together for 3 years but have known eachother for way longer. I dreaded the future and what it may hold. We had about a 2 month break from eachother which I had intiated.

The reasons why I didn't want to get married: I lost attraction for him, he didn't make effort in his appearance and didn't want to buy any new clothes for himself ever, I had to buy it for him. He didn't make me feel special, he wasn't very sociable. I was his entire social life.

Since the break, he's been going to the gym more regularly. Buying himself new clothes which he would never dare to do before. He's making new friendships outside of me. He has more confidence and just seems more positive. Both of us used this time to talk to other people on dating apps etc. He said that it has helped him appreciate me a lot more and does not have a toxic attachment to me anymore i.e. before, he felt that if i left him he wouldn't be able to get another girl like me. He no longer feels that way, he feels he would be able to date but feels like he is choosing me for the right reasons. (I kinda forced him to date, wasn't his idea)

My feelings: I am starting to grow more attraction for him, I have dated other men and I was close to getting with someone but I stopped because of him as I thought I should give it another try and if it doesn't work then it can be ended properly. I love how maturely he handled this whole situation despite me calling off the wedding! It makes me feel like he could handle most problems in future. He is making an effort to make me feel special more. I like that he is more confident within himself. We have a laugh together, he's my best friend honestly and I never get tired of his company. He's 10/10 in bed. I know he would make a good father, he has a good job. He's not the best looking, and he is a bit short for man. I did try date taller men as per my cousins advice to see how I feel but I don't think it is the important on the list. (I know that bit is shallow)

Soooo do I go back to him despite calling off the wedding!?

OP posts:

PaySeeWhiTa · 06/07/2021 07:46

I think even with the 'new and improved' him if you are still thinking about/looking into dating other people then its a no.
It's not fair on him.
You don't like him enough even after the the apart and the changes. Let him go and find someone that really appreciates him. Yes this involves you letting go of his good qualities that you like and it's not easy but I think you need to be selfless and honourable and do the right thing.
If you've known him this long and gone through your time apart etc and you're still wondering what else is out there and thinking he should date other people too then you shouldn't be together and waste each others' time and emotions.

pointythings · 06/07/2021 08:21

I think you should let him go so he can meet someone who isn't all about appearance. You sound incredibly shallow.

Original poster

Lostandconfused21 · 06/07/2021 09:31

All your comments have made me feel like a terrible person which I probably am. It's getting me really down.. The truth is, when I first saw him, I wasn't attracted to him but I wanted to give it my all as he was a good man with good qualities. I have always tried to find something I found attractive about him as if im forcing it. I think i still am doing the same and it is a hard pill to swallow because I don't want to feel this way and I absolutely hate it. I wish i could feel differently and I thought I would which is why it lasted so long :( I'm hating my life right now.

OP posts:

MistyFrequencies · 06/07/2021 09:37

You don't love him. If you did you wouldn't care about his new clothes (my husband has some fucking hideous clothes and I haven't left him....) or be considering dating other people. Let him go and find someone who will love him for who he is.

pointythings · 06/07/2021 09:46

@Lostandconfused21

Maybe it's worth getting some counselling to work out why you value appearance so much instead of looking at a person as a whole? Attraction does matter, but it doesn't remain unchanged. People age, they go grey, they gain weight or lose muscle. You need to build relationships on more than attraction if you are to have a shot at something that lasts. You're developing some insight now - time to work on that further?

Honeyroar · 06/07/2021 09:52

You were right cancelling the wedding. You don’t love or fancy him enough. You like who he is as a person and admire his qualities. If you step back now you’ll probably remain friends. But you’d be really cruel to pick him up again because you’d be playing him. You want to see other people. You’re not grown up enough. You need to go out and have fun. Settle down in five years time or so. Don’t be cruel to this man. Let him find someone who really loves him and cherishes him. He deserves that.

KurtWilde · 06/07/2021 10:03

I don't think you're an awful person OP, but I do think you like the idea of having someone on the back burner who you know is a sure thing if you want attention.

Branleuse · 06/07/2021 10:06

OP, years ago I called off the wedding with my dp. We are still together. Sometimes it is what is needed to give yourselves a reality check and a kick up the arse. After all, trial seperations can result in a proper split or they can make you realise what you really want and appreciate what youve got. It sounds like youve both grown and it did what it was supposed to do

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 06/07/2021 10:06

If he’s had to change for you to be interested then you’re not the one for him. He deserved better and you will go on to meet someone who ticks your rather shallow boxes.

Drovememad · 06/07/2021 10:10

@Lostandconfused21

He is not the man for you.

HeartIess · 06/07/2021 10:12

You haven’t once said that you love him.

Cyberworrier · 06/07/2021 11:04

You’re not an awful person! Crikey, there needs to be chemistry and physical attraction for a romantic relationship to work. Sounds like you do value qualities like kindness that your ex has, so you’re evidently not completely shallow as some are implying. However you were naive to think that you should marry someone with whom you had no physical chemistry (and very inconsiderate of his feelings). But much better to have realised this at your age and before having married or had children.
Perhaps you could explore if there are attachment issues that led to you going headlong into this relationship despite the problems.
But it doesn’t mean that someone is vain or an awful person for them to want to fancy their partner! Honestly I think you both sound young and inexperienced and there must have been lots of friendship there for you to have stayed together as long as you did. But now it’s time for you to let him go, work on yourself and get on with your life. You both deserve better than what you’d have together. Take care.

KaptainKaveman · 06/07/2021 11:10

@Heartless is right, you haven't once mentioned love.
"I'm hating my life right now". Yet again it's all about you isn't it? How do you imagine he feels? You binned him off, dated other men and gave him a list of criteria to fulfil. You treat him like shit.

YellowSun567 · 06/07/2021 11:18

If your gut was initially to not marry him I would go with that.
Remember "it's easy to get married but hard to get divorced"
You're still young. Live your life and find someone you know is perfect for you. Or better still don't live your life trying to find someone. Be yourself and let fate bring the right man in your life. Once you find yourself, the right man will find you.
Don't settle if you originally knew he wasn't right. No matter what the reasons.

YellowSun567 · 06/07/2021 11:26

Also, ignore any negative comments towards you on here. You have been honest and bared your true feelings. You don't deserve to be made to feel bad on here. You're just looking for advice. It's a courageous thing to do. So chin up, move on from this man. Take some time away from dating. Don't be with someone who isn't right.

Original poster

Lostandconfused21 · 06/07/2021 11:56

Tbh you're all saying I've treated him badly but you hadn't seen our day to day relationship. I have helped him immensely with his confidence over the years and I have held his hand through very difficult times. I think maybe it's my fault for phrasing the question incorrectly.. For sometime the relationship had been impacting my mental health and had been dragging me down. Yes, physically he may not have been my type but I can't really help that and he made up for it with all the other qualities he offered. Him not being interested in having a social life impacted my social life and friendships and I couldn't live that way. The he wouldn't buy new clothes was on the extreme end where he would pretty much wear the same thing for months and probably impacted attraction to some extent. Obviously now he's buying now clothes and working on himself, I'm feeling some attraction which I was happy about. I dated other people because I am young and wouldn't have this opportunity in future if I had settled. I'm trying to see how these next few months go and then if I'm not feeling it then I am aware i will need to end it completely as it's definitely not fair on him!

OP posts:

grapewine · 06/07/2021 12:03

honestly it sounds like hes worked on improving himself (confidence wise and socially) while you've been apart and now that hes doing better you dont want him to be with anyone else.

This. And you seem convinced he'll take you back. Hopefully, he wises up to the fact that you don't love him and doesn't find him attractive and moves on from you.

Dozer · 06/07/2021 12:09

You’re not into him enough for marriage.

Sounds like you didn’t properly break up, with lots of contact and you telling him what to do!

Unfair to seek to cherry pick which aspects of the relationship to try to retain, eg friendship, sex, whilst also exploring your options!

The best thing after a break up is no contact for a good while.

Butt out of his dating or not dating: that’s none of your business!

stealthninjamum · 06/07/2021 12:23

Op, I think the reason why online dating is so difficult is because of people like you and him who aren't quite sure what you want trying new people to confirm whether he is the 'best' you can get. Sometimes the 'best' you can get is to be single. When I got married my stbexh was not that bothered about his clothes and maybe even a bit scruffy but I knew 100% that I wanted to marry him. I think you should be single for a while before you start dating and messing other men around.

Bridezillamaybe · 06/07/2021 13:05

I'm in my 40s so aware this is a generational gap but i can't relate to posts / posters like this at all.

You aren't into him! So what if he's a good man. Life is supposed to be fun. You are supposed to have passion and attraction in your romantic relationships. That's not all you need but it's certainly necessary. Being treated well and being attracted are not mutually exclusive. Hold out for both.

I cannot believe you were considering getting married.

Leave him alone. He sounds great. Let him find someone who sees that.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/07/2021 13:14

I don't think you are an awful person OP. We are always being told not to just settle, to find someone right for us, not to put up with men who can't be bothered with us or young men who turn into grandads as soon as they enter a long term relationships.
The endless women on here who say that's the situation they are living in and how unhappy they are and everyone tells them they should leave.
I think you have been given a hard time.
You should feel excited about marrying the man you love not neutral about it and you were right to cancel the wedding.
I've had two husbands who turned into boring no hopers as soon as we were married and I'm never accepting anyone like that into my life again.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 06/07/2021 13:19

One of my best friends married the nice, reliable etc guy. 10 years on, she's still trying to leave her relationship as in the end, she doesn't really love him. He is dependable and kind and they have a nice house and he pulls his weight etc and she's worried she won't find better but ultimately she's deeply unhappy and has cheated on him numerous times trying to find "the actual one". Don't do it OP, let him be, find the actual one. If you don't love him now, it's not going to happen.

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 06/07/2021 13:21

But you’re not in love with him. Let him find someone who adores him.

KurtWilde · 06/07/2021 13:56

This scenario reminds me of the one in he's just not that into you, the Scarlett Johanson character and how she is with the real estate guy. Just an observation.

RaginaFalangi · 06/07/2021 14:16

I think he needs to leave you, you sound awful. You want to have your cake and eat it by the sounds of it.

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