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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Repeatedly having to salvage relationship.

143 replies

MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 20:25

My relationship went very well for the first few months, then (after discussing past relationships, in which I said straight that I'd cheated on an ex, not full sex but nonetheless) he seemed to become very insecure and pessimistic. He said he was shocked by what I said and how cavalier I seemed about or at that time, and that he'd fallen for me and was afraid as a result.

In the year since he's ended the relationship, or tried to to be more precise, at least three times and I've had to salvage it by contacting him, reasoning with him, I've gone to his home on the day we'd usually meet without a specific arrangement to talk to him about it.

Each time he has finished or tried to has been when I've been socialising on my own; twice were last minute drinks with friends/acquaintances, the other a break away with a friend, which I told him I'd probably be doing but didn't confirm until I was travelling and he rang me.

Each time he's "come around" when I talked to him, and I felt (rightly or wrongly I don't know) that he didn't really want to finish and didn't want to follow through.

But this is stressful every few months ... And I feel apprehensive about socialising or going on a break without him, while at the sane time in independent and I'm not going to stop; that wouldn't he healthy in my eyes.

He's been very reliable, committed, makes time for me, goes out of his way to collect me as I don't currently drive, he's included me in his family, he seems open to serious commitment.

But this ....

OP posts:

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 20:27

*I should add that this is a post on behalf of a mate, and I'm showing her the responses.

I've told her MN is a great place to get a poll of opinions and good perspective.

OP posts:

Ingloriousbasterd · 05/07/2021 20:31

If it were me I'd have one last discussion, explain that youre not going to stop socialising because that would be unhealthy and that you've grown since the relationship where you cheated, and he's got nothing to worry about? He's got to trust you if it's going to work, otherwise you will get into an endless cycle of breaking up every time you do some thing without him x

QuentinBunbury · 05/07/2021 20:33

I think this is unacceptable and could escalate to more serious control. Firstly because it was a previous relationship and you've explained what happened and why, so he should trust you or if its a deal breaker to be with someone who's been unfaithful, be a grown up and end it. Not just keep bringing it up. Secondly, and more importantly you are already walking on eggshells and explaining why he's justified in being an arse. That's a bad sign. It could end up with you not feeling you can wear certain things, go to certain places etc because it'll worry DP.
You don't need that in your life

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 05/07/2021 20:34

Wait - not understanding. The man wants to break up and the woman stalks him until he "comes around"? If the man wants to end the relationship, wouldn't you just, you know, let the relationship end?

Whatinthelord · 05/07/2021 20:37

I’d probably tell him to make a decision about if he wants to be together and tell him that if he breaks up again I won’t be coming round to ask for him back that’ll be it.

It’ll either work or it won’t .

This cycle sounds so horrid for you both. It needs to end one way or another e

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 20:39

Thanks for the response. She has repeatedly reassured him that she has string feelings/is in love too and feels she has learned from past relationships but this has continued.

He seems to have reluctantly accepted her going our but if he's unaware she's going out and funds out (because it's not been planned far ahead and she's not stopped in the middle of a quick turnaround after work for example, to tell him) he seems to be overcome by anxiety & pessimism, and has some kind of knee jerk reaction. He has never followed through on ending the relationship though.

OP posts:

Mountaingoatling · 05/07/2021 20:41

He doesn't seem to want this relationship. This is a draining game for everyone. OP needs to either really listen and be prepared to change, rather than expecting him to see things the way she does, and stop talking him round.

When he's alone with his own thoughts, his heart tells him this isn't right.

StCharlotte · 05/07/2021 20:43

"She" blew it by being honest (not normally a bad thing but...) and showing what he now thinks are her true colours. She needs to let him go.

gamerchick · 05/07/2021 20:43

So he does the whole dance when she goes out socialising and she goes running to appease him?

Tell him to pack it the fuck in or next time he does it, he can have it.

Good grief, who could be arsed

Metabigot · 05/07/2021 20:44

It sounds like he's manipulating you using the past infidelity against you.

You need to have a chat and both set your stall out. Agree what's reasonable/not and if you can't reach an agreement I don't think there's much sense in continuing.

FetchezLaVache · 05/07/2021 20:45

This isn't a healthy relationship in any respect, OP - your friend isn't respecting her BF's attempts to end the relationship and he is clearly using her past infidelity as leverage to control her. She may even find he enjoys the power that the 'talking him round' gives him, I don't know...

SixesAndEights · 05/07/2021 20:46

I'd let him go and in my next relationship not mention that I'd cheated on someone once. It sounds way too much like hard work and I don't think it'll ever stop being so.

CassandraTrotter · 05/07/2021 20:47

This is not a healthy relationship.

End it and move on.

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 20:47

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

Wait - not understanding. The man wants to break up and the woman stalks him until he "comes around"? If the man wants to end the relationship, wouldn't you just, you know, let the relationship end?

She would text or ring asking to discuss it and he would answer, discuss it and continue seeing her, after saying things like the above "I've fallen in love, I'm scared of getting hurt" etc.

On one occasion she went around to his home on the day/time they meet every week (they sometimes meet at other times but that's their fixed date night (day/night really) to discuss it with him, and again he immediately talked to her, and it was clear he wanted to continue the relationship. She said he was visibly upset that time - when she said they would really end up finished if he kept acting like this.

OP posts:

Maggiesfarm · 05/07/2021 20:48

@Ingloriousbasterd

I agree with that.

When you 'cheated' on an ex, you didn't have actually have sex and presumably the ex wasn't married to or living with you.

Young people get themselves into all sorts of pickles like that but they outgrow it. You don't have to confess every detail of your past life to a new man. He seems to have made a mountain out of a molehill.

Tread warily, op.

iloverock · 05/07/2021 20:51

He sounds incredibly controlling. So she did something in her past that she's not proud of but he's using it as a weapon to beat her with everytime she does something he's not happy about.
Fuck that. This is no way to carry on

Babygotblueyes · 05/07/2021 20:57

He may not be deliberately controlling, more anxious but whatever it is, this is not good for a relationship. You cannot keep harping back to what has happened in the past - you either accept it and move on or leave. Either he is permanently indecisive or just massively weak. Not good in either case.

Unanananana · 05/07/2021 21:03

So because she cheated in the past, she isn't allowed to socialise without him having a strop? She then has to crawl back to appease him? Is he 14?

Nah. She needs to bin the manipulative loser.

ThePurplePalace · 05/07/2021 21:05

He's been very reliable, committed, makes time for me, goes out of his way to collect me as I don't currently drive, he's included me in his family, he seems open to serious commitment.

None of this is true. He’s not committed, making time or reliable.

He’s acting like she cheated on him but she was just honest. All power to her for that. He owes her apology after all this off and on.

If you have to chase them turn around and walk away.

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 21:07

When he's alone with his own thoughts, his heart tells him this isn't right.

He's from quite a conservative/traditional background.

Apparently he's never cheated on anyone .. though she's told me he's let some things slip that suggest he hadn't exactly been an angel himself in his youth.

In any case, apparently he's shocked and can't get his head around it and is worried she's a cheater and will cheat again.

OP posts:

Mountaingoatling · 05/07/2021 21:12

@MarshmallowAra

When he's alone with his own thoughts, his heart tells him this isn't right.

He's from quite a conservative/traditional background.

Apparently he's never cheated on anyone .. though she's told me he's let some things slip that suggest he hadn't exactly been an angel himself in his youth.

In any case, apparently he's shocked and can't get his head around it and is worried she's a cheater and will cheat again.

There you go then.

I'm afraid your friend can't undo his feelings or response. It's real. It's how he thinks and feels. It is for him, combined perhaps with her socialising without him and not communicating this better (how long does a text take, really), a deal breaker.

And your friend needs someone for whom it isn't. Because I'm sure she is lovely, but I don't think he can get beyond this.

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 21:13

When you 'cheated' on an ex, you didn't have actually have sex and presumably the ex wasn't married to or living with you.

In the spirit of full disclosure (!) they were sort of living together - because they met while house sharing ... And they were actually married, which they did quite early on in their relationship because of visa/residence issues. She intended to apply for residence or whatever the correct term is, but didn't for various reasons and he got leave to remain another way. They broke up after about a year and a half and divorced amicably not long after that because she was buying her first home and didn't want complications. Ironically they're still in civil contact. She's joked dryly that the actual man she cheated on seems to have given her less shit about it than this guy.

OP posts:

Gilda152 · 05/07/2021 21:14

He's not going to be able to trust her because she's a known cheat by her own admission and yes change is possible but it's bloody rare. Morals are usually pretty steadfast as we go through life, or not. I don't blame the guy and I think next time he has a wobble your friend should respectfully let him go.

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 21:19

None of this is true. He’s not committed, making time or reliable.

To be fair the dude drives 45 mins to collect her every weekend, spends the weekend with her, drops her back, takes her out for drives, meals etc., either drives to her midweek for dinner out/take out or drips her back if she gets the bus to him, includes her in every family occasion, has been on several holidays with her, has talked about ling term plans, has met her whole family etc. I think he wants it to work but, as the poster above says, he can't get past it, it's against his principles.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 05/07/2021 21:21

Your friend is not acting well here at all
He really should have been her ex the first time he broke up with her
Leave the poor man alone

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