Repeatedly having to salvage relationship.

[MarshmallowAra]

My relationship went very well for the first few months, then (after discussing past relationships, in which I said straight that I'd cheated on an ex, not full sex but nonetheless) he seemed to become very insecure and pessimistic. He said he was shocked by what I said and how cavalier I seemed about or at that time, and that he'd fallen for me and was afraid as a result.

In the year since he's ended the relationship, or tried to to be more precise, at least three times and I've had to salvage it by contacting him, reasoning with him, I've gone to his home on the day we'd usually meet without a specific arrangement to talk to him about it.

Each time he has finished or tried to has been when I've been socialising on my own; twice were last minute drinks with friends/acquaintances, the other a break away with a friend, which I told him I'd probably be doing but didn't confirm until I was travelling and he rang me.

Each time he's "come around" when I talked to him, and I felt (rightly or wrongly I don't know) that he didn't really want to finish and didn't want to follow through.

But this is stressful every few months ... And I feel apprehensive about socialising or going on a break without him, while at the sane time in independent and I'm not going to stop; that wouldn't he healthy in my eyes.

He's been very reliable, committed, makes time for me, goes out of his way to collect me as I don't currently drive, he's included me in his family, he seems open to serious commitment.

But this ....

A healthy relationship does not need to be repeatedly salvaged. This is clearly not working for either of them.

They need to give each other space. Permanently.

not communicating this better (how long does a text take, really)

He ended (though not really) the relationship twice because she was out for drinks on a night she wasn't seeing him, with plans made fairly last minute and a quick turnaround after work ... Why would she stop in the middle of that to text her bf who was not involved in any way and lives 45 mins away?

The other time (I was on the break) she told him the weekend before about plans to go on a quickly organised break on Tuesday to the south coast if work was amenable, she agreed it with work on Monday and then left on Mon evening because the driver thought everyone should come to hers the night before in prep for a sharp start the next morning (long drive). On the way to the driver's house by public transport he rang her, she said where she was/what she was doing and that resulted in another "crisis".

@MarshmallowAra

When you 'cheated' on an ex, you didn't have actually have sex and presumably the ex wasn't married to or living with you.

In the spirit of full disclosure (!) they were sort of living together - because they met while house sharing ... And they were actually married, which they did quite early on in their relationship because of visa/residence issues. She intended to apply for residence or whatever the correct term is, but didn't for various reasons and he got leave to remain another way. They broke up after about a year and a half and divorced amicably not long after that because she was buying her first home and didn't want complications. Ironically they're still in civil contact. She's joked dryly that the actual man she cheated on seems to have given her less shit about it than this guy.

Ah, I get it.

I still don't think what she did was a serious offence. Presumably she was young at the time.

@Shoxfordian

Your friend is not acting well here at all He really should have been her ex the first time he broke up with her Leave the poor man alone

I genuinely think that he would have contacted her sooner or later whether she had contacted him or not ... She is just quite impatient and couldn't leave him to it. She is also attached and invested .. so it's hardly easy for her. They have been discussing marriage.

Fwiw several people I know think he's punching with her.

He's not punching with her though is he, because she's got form as an unreliable, untrustworthy partner.

I still don't think what she did was a serious offence. Presumably she was young at the time.

She was 26 I think.

He seems v perturbed about the cheating but especially so because she was married. She said she's explained to him that it was a civil marriage with two witnesses, their families didn't know until much later, aimed at solving his residence issues etc etc and that they felt like boyfriend & girlfriend but she doesn't know that it had much impact on his thoughts.

She says he has expressed his bafflement and derision about a couple in his area who are trying to reconcile their marriage after cheating (husband first, then wife) I'd he sees it as a farce.

.. Why would she stop in the middle of that to text her bf who was not involved in any way and lives 45 mins away?

Because it's thoughtful? Because relationships are about communication? Because it's caused drama in the part and she wants to avoid it? Because when she cheated it perhaps started with drinks so causes her boyfriend anxiety Because? Because it's really not a big deal to text someone you've discussed marriage with to let them know where you are Because? Because if President Obama could text his wife to say he was running late, I suspect your friend can find the time. A more interesting question is, why doesn't she? And i think the answer to that is an answer for her to think about....she may not want to salvage this, not really. And that's OK.

@Gilda152

He's not punching with her though is he, because she's got form as an unreliable, untrustworthy partner.

If everyone who's ever cheated esp. while quite young was described as that, there wouldn't be many people left in the UK to be described as reliable & trustworthy!

He’s also insecure and possessive so she should let him stay gone for that reason as well

I don’t give the marriage long if they do get married

Relationships really shouldn’t be this dramatic or difficult

I agree but there we are. I don't think he's punching with a cheat and clearly she doesn't either , or she'd stopped chasing to get him back when he wants to end it. She's the one who knows her worth is less than his as a partner and others saying she's punching isn't going to change it . Bet she rues the day she told him her past mistakes eh

Because it's caused drama in the part and she wants to avoid it?

Oh dear, I think you need to read some texts about healthy relationships.

He shouldn't have been angry at or ended the relationship with her the first time she went for impromtu drinks after work; so she most definitely should not be texting him (clocking in, asking permission (?)) when she's in a rush and he's not involved in any way and she can mention it in natural conversation the next day she sees him ... In order to avoid more anger and another dumping. That would be extremely controlling & unhealthy

What's healthy about flogging a dead horse?

@Gilda152

I agree but there we are. I don't think he's punching with a cheat and clearly she doesn't either , or she'd stopped chasing to get him back when he wants to end it. She's the one who knows her worth is less than his as a partner and others saying she's punching isn't going to change it . Bet she rues the day she told him her past mistakes eh

I don't think she believes he really wants to end it.

And from what I've seen, I don't believe he wants to either.

He seems v keen to me, he chased her (twice, she didn't take him on the first time) to get involved.

He seems to be overcome insecurity and feeling a lack of control and his knee jerk reaction is to end it to avoid feeling that way.

She told me that when she said she was hoping to join an upcoming girls night out, he'd told her he was going to have to take his kids out for a meal because he couldn't stand "sitting at home all night thinking about what X is getting up to".

@Gilda152

What's healthy about flogging a dead horse?

Nice avoidance .

And no, that's not healthy either.

Bet she rues the day she told him her past mistakes eh

Personally I think relationships should be built on warts and all disclosure and honesty, however I'm aware that's perhaps v idealistic and there are many people on here for example who sat there's stuff they'd never tell their partners and that's their perogative.

I do think its best she was honest and if he can't accept it, they're simply not suited. That's what my purpose in this thread is, it's got a lot more clout when dozens of people are saying it.

Having been cheated on, I wouldn't trust someone who had admitted to cheated on previous partners as to me it shows a lot about their integrity and I wouldn't believe they are trustworthy, therefore I would end the relationship. He clearly also struggles with the idea and she keeps badgering him 'talking him round'.

He obviously doesn't trust her and he probably never will, so she should stop flogging a dead horse and let the relationship go. You shouldn't have to keep talking someone into being with you!

I think she's going to gave to finish it because he is going to keep doing this.

He can't accept her as she is but he won't finish it.

You're very emotionally invested here. But I see from your post of 22nd April that you were in an amazingly similar situation yourself. So that explains the nasty comments to people trying to help you. I mean, your friend.

@MarshmallowAra

None of this is true. He’s not committed, making time or reliable.

To be fair the dude drives 45 mins to collect her every weekend, spends the weekend with her, drops her back, takes her out for drives, meals etc., either drives to her midweek for dinner out/take out or drips her back if she gets the bus to him, includes her in every family occasion, has been on several holidays with her, has talked about ling term plans, has met her whole family etc. I think he wants it to work but, as the poster above says, he can't get past it, it's against his principles.

But picking up and dropping her in the relationship when he his mood changes is?

Oh come on. She’s just not being treated well.

@MarshmallowAra

I think she's going to gave to finish it because he is going to keep doing this.

He can't accept her as she is but he won't finish it.

But he has finished it, repeatedly. But he seemingly caves when she tries to talk him round - the simple answer is to stop trying to talk him round

He clearly also struggles with the idea and she keeps badgering him 'talking him round'.

He seems to be perfectly fine except when she goes out without him. That seems to drive him barmy.

In her defence she's not the badgering type, she likes to say her piece and that's it (I remember her writing an email getting it all out to a guy who dumped her and she sent it and never contacted him again, he came crawling back months later).

I think if she left this man to it, he would contact her, she's just too impatient to do so. But she's getting sick of the behaviour, hence this thread.

But picking up and dropping her in the relationship when he his mood changes is?

It's not when his mood changes. It's when she goes out without him .. and in one occasion when she went on a break without him.

She told me afterward that he said his family found it v strange and he thought they felt sorry for him when they asked where she was that weekend and he said "away on a break down south with friends".

I don't think his family/friends do anything not in couples.

Life is too short.

If he won’t finish it (well won’t finish it again), and she doesn’t want to finish it, tell your friend go go out without him. Chat to others. Enjoy herself.

That’ll make him end it.

She shouldn’t grovel when he ends it.

End of relationship.

Job done.

I think if you're a good friend to your...friend, then you'd back her all the way to ending this and letting this guy go.

Oh Lordy, those types of people… and your friend doesn’t sound like that. She sounds normal & honest.