Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Repeatedly having to salvage relationship.

143 replies

MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 20:25

My relationship went very well for the first few months, then (after discussing past relationships, in which I said straight that I'd cheated on an ex, not full sex but nonetheless) he seemed to become very insecure and pessimistic. He said he was shocked by what I said and how cavalier I seemed about or at that time, and that he'd fallen for me and was afraid as a result.

In the year since he's ended the relationship, or tried to to be more precise, at least three times and I've had to salvage it by contacting him, reasoning with him, I've gone to his home on the day we'd usually meet without a specific arrangement to talk to him about it.

Each time he has finished or tried to has been when I've been socialising on my own; twice were last minute drinks with friends/acquaintances, the other a break away with a friend, which I told him I'd probably be doing but didn't confirm until I was travelling and he rang me.

Each time he's "come around" when I talked to him, and I felt (rightly or wrongly I don't know) that he didn't really want to finish and didn't want to follow through.

But this is stressful every few months ... And I feel apprehensive about socialising or going on a break without him, while at the sane time in independent and I'm not going to stop; that wouldn't he healthy in my eyes.

He's been very reliable, committed, makes time for me, goes out of his way to collect me as I don't currently drive, he's included me in his family, he seems open to serious commitment.

But this .... Confused

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 05/07/2021 22:13

@MarshmallowAra

I still don't think what she did was a serious offence. Presumably she was young at the time.

She was 26 I think.

He seems v perturbed about the cheating but especially so because she was married. She said she's explained to him that it was a civil marriage with two witnesses, their families didn't know until much later, aimed at solving his residence issues etc etc and that they felt like boyfriend & girlfriend but she doesn't know that it had much impact on his thoughts.

She says he has expressed his bafflement and derision about a couple in his area who are trying to reconcile their marriage after cheating (husband first, then wife) I'd he sees it as a farce.

She didn't actually do anything though, did she.

I can't see this relationship going anywhere frankly.

Original poster
MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 22:13

Oh come on. She’s just not being treated well.

I agree she's not being treated well.

Bit I think it's due to him being at best insecure, at worst controlling.

And obviously there are some people who can't accept any infidelity in their partners history .. so he's being stupid and immature etc in not ending the relationship properly if he can't. He continues it with the next text/call she makes. And I have a feeling he'd contact her if she left it a few days.

OP posts:
Faevern · 05/07/2021 22:15

She needs to stop and accept that she has disclosed that she cheated and he can’t trust her. I think she is the controlling one, she is too impatient and wants to contact him to talk about it, likes to say her piece, more like persuading him to go again. She is messing with his head, it is finished but she keeps reeling him back in and is then sick of it. She’s not getting her own way but she won’t let go and is now making out that he is the problem.

He doesn’t trust her, there’s nothing to salvage without trust, why can’t she leave him alone?

HalzTangz · 05/07/2021 22:18

The guy feels insecure and I'm not surprised.

You told him you cheated in the past and came across as brazen whilst telling him.

You then jet off on getaways and he only finds out because he happened to call whilst you were travelling. Did it not cross your mind to say you know that getaway I mentioned I'm going on X date and back on X date.

If my partner treated me like that I would be ending the relationship too

Addicted2LuvIsland · 05/07/2021 22:19

I was in a relationship like this. Slightly different as he would end things if he got upset or we had a disagreement. We would make up break up. It's a ball ache OP not to mention upsetting and draining.
I would seriously let him figure it out on his own. Just leave him to it. If he decides to come back on his own then great but don't get into a pattern of running to salvage things all the time. It isn't sustainable.
Have you ever thought that maybe you just aren't right for each other?
I can't imagine someone judging me for how I behaved in a past relationship. We are all human and make mistakes. As long as we learn from them that's what counts.
Stop proving yourself to him. You don't need that.

Original poster
MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 22:23

@Faevern

She needs to stop and accept that she has disclosed that she cheated and he can’t trust her. I think she is the controlling one, she is too impatient and wants to contact him to talk about it, likes to say her piece, more like persuading him to go again. She is messing with his head, it is finished but she keeps reeling him back in and is then sick of it. She’s not getting her own way but she won’t let go and is now making out that he is the problem.

He doesn’t trust her, there’s nothing to salvage without trust, why can’t she leave him alone?

I'd imagine that the fact that they have a steady relationship, with declarations of love, both families involved, discussions about future marriage .... and these incidents are occasional, and he explains them afterward as insecurity and anxiety ... is what has made her try to talk to him to date.
OP posts:
Original poster
MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 22:28

*You then jet off on getaways and he only finds out because he happened to call whilst you were travelling. Did it not cross your mind to say you know that getaway I mentioned I'm going on X date and back on X date.

If my partner treated me like that I would be ending the relationship too*

The group was driving, as mentioned above, to the south coast. It was a fairly last minute plan but she told him the weekend before (Tuesday was the first day), she then got permission from work, worked late and left that evening to get to the main drivers house the night before, as per their preference. He phoned her on the way to the drivers house and she said what she was doing (he'd been told about the plan two days before, and knew she'd be going from tues for several days if work agreed).

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 05/07/2021 22:28

Your friend needs to end it he’s insecure and controlling. He half heartedly ends things when she goes out on her own she then panders to him to sort things out and repeat eventually she will stop going out on her own with her own friends for an easy life which is what he wants then her friends will stop inviting her so she will only have him. It’s not healthy she should leave now before kids come along

Original poster
MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 22:31

He doesn’t trust her, there’s nothing to salvage without trust, why can’t she leave him alone?

I think she should not try to talk to him the next time he pulls this shit, bit I guarantee he'll contact her after a day or two.

She will have to finish it, he won't.

OP posts:
Faevern · 05/07/2021 22:35

I'd imagine that the fact that they have a steady relationship, with declarations of love, both families involved, discussions about future marriage .... and these incidents are occasional, and he explains them afterward as insecurity and anxiety ... is what has made her try to talk to him to date.

But she can’t change him, his insecurity and anxiety isn’t going away, and she’s sick of him, lots of people talk marriage but a marriage needs trust.

Original poster
MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 22:36

wants to contact him to talk about it, likes to say her piece, more like persuading him to go again.

The time she went to his home, she asked him what this was all about, dud he really want to finish etc. He said no, he said the stuff I've cited above - insecurity, fear etc., She told him if he didn't stop acting like this the relationship would be over and she said he sat with tears in his eyes, and said it was really hard but he'd try (!)

OP posts:
Faevern · 05/07/2021 22:40

So when he contacts her she says no, even long term relationships end and she can’t restrict her life due to his insecurities. The relationship changed and probably ended with the cheating revelation.

Faevern · 05/07/2021 22:42

And he tried and she told him it would be over so it’s over. He may genuinely have tried but fundamentally he can’t change himself for her and neither can she for him. It’s a compromise too far.

Original poster
MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 22:43

@Faevern

I'd imagine that the fact that they have a steady relationship, with declarations of love, both families involved, discussions about future marriage .... and these incidents are occasional, and he explains them afterward as insecurity and anxiety ... is what has made her try to talk to him to date.

But she can’t change him, his insecurity and anxiety isn’t going away, and she’s sick of him, lots of people talk marriage but a marriage needs trust.

Absolutely.

I don't think she's sick of him. I think she was in love with him and still has feelings, which is why she contacted him after these three incidents.

She is increasingly frustrated and pissed off and pessimistic though.

OP posts:
crumpet · 05/07/2021 22:51

Ultimately the relationship is doomed if he doesn’t trust her. She can’t make him trust her, it’s up to him. It doesn’t matter whether he should grow up or not, those are his feelings.

Hesfamousforit · 05/07/2021 22:57

@Gilda152

He's not going to be able to trust her because she's a known cheat by her own admission and yes change is possible but it's bloody rare. Morals are usually pretty steadfast as we go through life, or not. I don't blame the guy and I think next time he has a wobble your friend should respectfully let him go.
Exactly this. Karma.
Graphista · 05/07/2021 23:03

She is flogging a dead horse!

He's never going to trust her and that's his issue not yours, also sounds like he's a naturally controlling type so...bullet dodged! (Potentially)

Move on

I don't think she believes he really wants to end it.

She's probably right - but he's threatening to in order to bring her back "into line"

She absolutely shouldn't be "checking in" with him whenever she decides on a last min night out or even trip away - it's not up to him if, when or how she does these things

Talipesmum · 05/07/2021 23:05

If she was faithful till the end of their lives, he would still be worrying about her going out without him every single time. That comment about him having to go out with his kids because he couldn’t bear to be thinking of “what she might be getting up to” - you just can’t live like that. He may want to change but he has not shown the slightest sign that he can truly trust her. So she will end up having to be in his pocket the whole time, lose any independence, drop friends he thinks are potentially a “bad influence”, never show she enjoys things without him.
Sure it’s wonderful if you want to always do everything with your partner, but if that’s because he just will never trust you in anything other than a pre-approved situation, it just can’t work. Would she really be happy if he is still being like this in 10, 20, 30 years time?

Addicted2LuvIsland · 05/07/2021 23:09

@Gilda152 so you're saying people don't change and grow? The bottom line is you don't know why she even cheated on her ex. There could be a million reasons. Maybe he was nasty to her. Maybe he cheated and she was young and wanted to get back at him. Maybe she was confused and suffering. Maybe she was grieving.
I've cheated before. Would I do it again? No. Sometimes people cheat when they are young. Many people cheat and get cheated on and they learn lessons
I think wjat you have said is a really unfounded generalisation; morals and attitudes can shift throughout life.
Would you make the same decisions as you did when 21? I wouldn't.
OK Maybe she just said it a little non chalantly but so what? Or, maybe she didn't and he just took it that way. Who knows?
The fact is we shouldn't be judging her morals the poor girl is repeatedly being punished for a past mistake that doesn't even have anything to do with the guys she is currently talking about!
I think he is being unfair and treating her very badly.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 05/07/2021 23:10

apparently he's shocked and can't get his head around it and is worried she's a cheater and will cheat again

This isn't going to work. One of you needs to break the cycle of indulging this drama - which you're clearly both getting something out of - and finish it properly. But you'll have to mean it.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 05/07/2021 23:11

@Skiptheheartsandflowers
Agree 👍

Gilda152 · 05/07/2021 23:18

@Addicted2LuvIsland I think what youve said is really generalised too and sounds like a whole lotta excuses for having shit morals so I guess we are where we are.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 05/07/2021 23:21

Omg @Gilda152 how have I generalised.

I'm suggesting that people change and grow and don't stay the same.

Are you honestly saying you have been the same you're whole life and have never made a mistake?

Original poster
MarshmallowAra · 05/07/2021 23:21

which you're clearly both getting something out of

Sadly I think both of them were looking for a serious partner, and potential coparent, and were v glad of company, support, affection etc following the breakdown of previous relationships, and both believed they were in love etc. There is definitely investment and attachment etc.
There are "positive" reasons that people try to hold in to relationships with issues, in this case he wants to get past her past infidelity but can't, age wants him to but he can't abs she's getting sick of these incidents.

OP posts:
gurglebelly · 05/07/2021 23:21

[quote Addicted2LuvIsland]@Gilda152 so you're saying people don't change and grow? The bottom line is you don't know why she even cheated on her ex. There could be a million reasons. Maybe he was nasty to her. Maybe he cheated and she was young and wanted to get back at him. Maybe she was confused and suffering. Maybe she was grieving.
I've cheated before. Would I do it again? No. Sometimes people cheat when they are young. Many people cheat and get cheated on and they learn lessons
I think wjat you have said is a really unfounded generalisation; morals and attitudes can shift throughout life.
Would you make the same decisions as you did when 21? I wouldn't.
OK Maybe she just said it a little non chalantly but so what? Or, maybe she didn't and he just took it that way. Who knows?
The fact is we shouldn't be judging her morals the poor girl is repeatedly being punished for a past mistake that doesn't even have anything to do with the guys she is currently talking about!
I think he is being unfair and treating her very badly.[/quote]
But why should someone take that risk? I mean none of those reasons are an acceptable excuse to screw someone else over. Previous cheating is a dealbreaker for many people and let's face it you can hardly trust their reasoning can you, they are proven not to be trustworthy

But you are right, people that get cheated on also learn lessons, and for a lot of them that lesson is not to touch a self confessed cheat with a barge pole