Repeatedly having to salvage relationship.

[MarshmallowAra]

My relationship went very well for the first few months, then (after discussing past relationships, in which I said straight that I'd cheated on an ex, not full sex but nonetheless) he seemed to become very insecure and pessimistic. He said he was shocked by what I said and how cavalier I seemed about or at that time, and that he'd fallen for me and was afraid as a result.

In the year since he's ended the relationship, or tried to to be more precise, at least three times and I've had to salvage it by contacting him, reasoning with him, I've gone to his home on the day we'd usually meet without a specific arrangement to talk to him about it.

Each time he has finished or tried to has been when I've been socialising on my own; twice were last minute drinks with friends/acquaintances, the other a break away with a friend, which I told him I'd probably be doing but didn't confirm until I was travelling and he rang me.

Each time he's "come around" when I talked to him, and I felt (rightly or wrongly I don't know) that he didn't really want to finish and didn't want to follow through.

But this is stressful every few months ... And I feel apprehensive about socialising or going on a break without him, while at the sane time in independent and I'm not going to stop; that wouldn't he healthy in my eyes.

He's been very reliable, committed, makes time for me, goes out of his way to collect me as I don't currently drive, he's included me in his family, he seems open to serious commitment.

But this ....

Exactly.

It's unnecessary and actually controlling.

And that posters bizarrely irrelevant obama example ... If he texted his wife saying he's he late presumably she was expecting him somewhere (in which case it would be perfectly reasonable to let your partner or anyone know you'd be late).

This is a scenario in which a gf is going out last minute for drinks with acquaintances I her home town on an evening she is not seeing her bf, has no plans to see him, not breaking plans, not changing plans, not an evening they normally meet, he's not involved in any way.
The reasons the poster ascribes for doing this are being dysfunctional too. Hard to believe a MN poster would come out with the above.

@MarshmallowAra so round and round you've gone. Conclusion: these two (your friend) should DEFINITELY stay together, it's a dream relationship.

@MarshmallowAra

Agree.

Look maybe she could have confirmed to him that she was going but honestly it's not that big a deal. I think these things happen sometimes in a relationship and then you learn and make sure you check in more often (or whatever it is that bothers your partner). We are all different and have different expectations of one another at times.

There have been times I've rung a partner thinking they were home and they went out last minute with a friend its not a big deal. And vice versa.

That said, it sounds like every little thing.she is doing is triggering him and he just dumps her every time it doesn't go his way. Very immature. She should also not be chasing him trying to fix it. It sounds like he wants out and is using this cheating as an excuse. He just quite likes her so it's difficult to fully leave when she keeps coming back to fix it.

I think his trust issues are far deeper than her telling him she cheated in a past relationship.
I think the fact she was honest in the first place about it should count for something.

Some posters on this thread act like just because she cheated once on a past boyfriend that every time she makes one little mistake she is going to cheat.

I just don't see a big deal in telling your partner what you're up to. In relationships do this all the time "popping to Waitrose...do you need anything". "Off for drinks with Hannah...Will try and drink less red wine than last time but may not be possible. Love you xxx"

I really don't see what the issue with this is, other than that the OP refuses to do this and presents what is in fact normal communication as some form of malevolent control.

[quote Gilda152]@MarshmallowAra so round and round you've gone. Conclusion: these two (your friend) should DEFINITELY stay together, it's a dream relationship.[/quote]
I'm with you. I think looking at her other thread on this relationship and judging her inability to accept any responsibility, what she was looking for is confirmation that she is right.

There's a v different way of looking at this and her posting history gives an impression of someone who struggles with intimacy.

The paradox here is...she desperately wants him, but on her terms, and I suspect will use this thread to tell him how everyone thinks he is controlling.

If you're going to lie on an anonymous forum about this being your friend...which I don't think anyone believes given your extremely emotional responses and er, lack of any mention of your friend's thoughts on the discussion not to mention your April post where it was you in this situation...

Then I suspect you'll misrepresent and manipulate in other ways.

The other time (I was on the break) she told him the weekend before about plans to go on a quickly organised break on Tuesday to the south coast if work was amenable, she agreed it with work on Monday and then left on Mon evening because the driver thought everyone should come to hers the night before in prep for a sharp start the next morning (long drive). On the way to the driver's house by public transport he rang her, she said where she was/what she was doing and that resulted in another "crisis"

Ok, so in this situation, she could’ve easily texted him right after work had given her the green light to take time off, just to let him know sooner rather than later.

If I’d told my DP I was looking to go away with a mate but it depended on whether work gave me the time off on the Monday, I would’ve texted/called him as soon as work gave me the go ahead just to let him know. I wouldn’t have waited until I was on the way to my friends house later in the evening.

She chose to share something about her past that has given him cause to doubt her trustworthiness. If he can’t get past it, which it sounds like he can’t, then this relationship just won’t work. She can’t live a life of walking on eggshells and trying to convince him to stay together, every time she wants to socialise without him.

If he can’t trust her, there’s no point continuing the relationship.

@CassandraTrotter

This is not a healthy relationship.

End it and move on.

This 👆

And don’t be so quick to fess up to past sins in so much detail next time.

The idea that letting your boyf (who you've discussed marriage with!!) know what your plans are just out of pure conversational skills or emotional intelligence is somehow him being controlling is soooooo messed up. They both need to grow up,but they chose each for a reason didnt they , because neither of them wants to be better. They probably love the drama 🤷

popping to Waitrose...do you need anything". "Off for drinks with Hannah...Will try and drink less red wine than last time but may not be possible. Love you xxx"

You seem to have the greatest difficulty understanding equivalent scenarios.

You keep posting completely different, irrelevant scenarios.

The second one is not irrevelant but I'd totally unnecessary, odd, and if you or anyone you know actually sends men texts like that, I'm embarrassed for you.

Was it you that said she should text him when she went out for a drink last minute because it may have been the case that she was drunk when she cheated on her ex? Now you're saying she should text him saying she'll not drink as much as the last time, though might t manage it .... Yeah that would be reassuring if your first theory/suggestion had any relevance. I literally cannot believe a MN poster is posting such worrying crap.

I think it's called narcissistic rage, the way you respond to any perceived criticism. It often goes with manipulative behaviours. Why did you lie about this being a friend?

@Gilda152

He's not going to be able to trust her because she's a known cheat by her own admission and yes change is possible but it's bloody rare. Morals are usually pretty steadfast as we go through life, or not. I don't blame the guy and I think next time he has a wobble your friend should respectfully let him go.

Oh bollocks. Assume you've never done stupid things you regretted?

@WavesAndLeaves sigh

Assume, from my answers, I've never cheated, yes. I'm hardly cloaking my position am I. You don't agree, cool. 👍

@Mountaingoatling is it me or is this thread completely bereft of any emotional intelligence ? This sounds like the kind of stuff that went on in my teenage years, not as adults?! You tell someone you've been untrustworthy in previous relationships - so they now have anxiety you might cheat - SHOCKER!!!! 🙄

@Mountaingoatling

I think it's called narcissistic rage, the way you respond to any perceived criticism. It often goes with manipulative behaviours. Why did you lie about this being a friend?

I find a certain type of poster, with the exception of those trying to get the full story in what is clearly a snap shot thread of domestic abuse, stalk posters' posts & threads, become over invested,are consistently aggressive & derogatory & harrying etc. And they often start bandying about armchair psychology terms as well. Ironically I find they demonstrate most of the traits they accuse posters of having. You're a shining example of this, and it's obvious other posters have recognised your username and MO from their comments here.

It's quite a demo of narcissistic rage how you've responded when I pointed out that you keep missing the point and posting irrelevant scenarios.

I'll leave yourself and Gilda to your bonding ... while espousing incredibly worrying opinions on controlling behaviour in relationships.

Thanks everyone again for your perspectives.

[quote Gilda152]@Mountaingoatling is it me or is this thread completely bereft of any emotional intelligence ? This sounds like the kind of stuff that went on in my teenage years, not as adults?! You tell someone you've been untrustworthy in previous relationships - so they now have anxiety you might cheat - SHOCKER!!!! 🙄[/quote]
It worries me sometimes how uncritically people can approach threads. I was sympathetic to her original posts and only post trying to help but the responses from OP have been I think illuminating and I dislike liars.

This behaviour from both of them seems rather juvenile; him finishing it and convincing himself she might chest, her going round to his house persuading him he doesn't actually want to finish it. Sounds rather like a 'My Guy' (if anyone remembers it, I am old) photo story.

*cheat even, apologies.

if you have to convince someone to be with you/stay with you, maybe youre underestimating your worth.

sounds quite odd really. Let the man go fgs. History of cheating is obviously one of his dealbreakers because he knows he wouldnt be able to fully trust them ever. Stop trying to talk him round. Its doing his head in and just making things awkward .

Whether his approach is down to being controlling or he genuinely struggles to to deal with the fact that she cheated in a previous relationship to the point he is constantly worried about her cheating on him - either way this isn't good for your friend (or for him if the latter). It won't work long term.

His idea that it's weird that she went away with friends is worrying. So this might not all be about her previous cheating - he could just be a bit controlling anyway. It could be a combination of both.

Either way, your friend doesn't have to repeatedly salvage the relationship. He's said a few times that he wants out and she should leave it at that. If he genuinely means he can't cope, then the fairest thing is to leave him to it. If he's saying it to get some control over your friend, then she def needs to leave him to it.

If someone can’t accept your past they aren’t for you. It’s that simple.

If it's a casual dating thing then checking in with plans might not be necessary all the time.

But discussing plans with the other is normal. If I called my fiance up and said 'I'm just going on a holiday seeya in a bit I think my bags would be packed.

I think some Mumsnet posters live in the twilight zone of life with a partner where anyone can do whatever they wish at any time with no repercussions.
Any kind of reaction is called controlling.
It's just nonsense.