Repeatedly having to salvage relationship.

[MarshmallowAra]

My relationship went very well for the first few months, then (after discussing past relationships, in which I said straight that I'd cheated on an ex, not full sex but nonetheless) he seemed to become very insecure and pessimistic. He said he was shocked by what I said and how cavalier I seemed about or at that time, and that he'd fallen for me and was afraid as a result.

In the year since he's ended the relationship, or tried to to be more precise, at least three times and I've had to salvage it by contacting him, reasoning with him, I've gone to his home on the day we'd usually meet without a specific arrangement to talk to him about it.

Each time he has finished or tried to has been when I've been socialising on my own; twice were last minute drinks with friends/acquaintances, the other a break away with a friend, which I told him I'd probably be doing but didn't confirm until I was travelling and he rang me.

Each time he's "come around" when I talked to him, and I felt (rightly or wrongly I don't know) that he didn't really want to finish and didn't want to follow through.

But this is stressful every few months ... And I feel apprehensive about socialising or going on a break without him, while at the sane time in independent and I'm not going to stop; that wouldn't he healthy in my eyes.

He's been very reliable, committed, makes time for me, goes out of his way to collect me as I don't currently drive, he's included me in his family, he seems open to serious commitment.

But this ....

@Mountaingoatling

I just don't see a big deal in telling your partner what you're up to. In relationships do this all the time "popping to Waitrose...do you need anything". "Off for drinks with Hannah...Will try and drink less red wine than last time but may not be possible. Love you xxx"

I really don't see what the issue with this is, other than that the OP refuses to do this and presents what is in fact normal communication as some form of malevolent control.

But they don’t live together!! It would be beyond bizarre to check in like that with someone you don’t live with. To me it feels like setting yourself up to be controlled, especially with the almost apologetic text about how much you would plan to drink!

I will admit though I have a very hard line about any man trying to control me, been there, done that, never, ever again!

But discussing plans with the other is normal. If I called my fiance up and said 'I'm just going on a holiday seeya in a bit I think my bags would be packed

But there’s a very clear difference in dynamic between a fiancé, and a boyfriend you don’t live with when discussing plans to go away.

Sounds a massive waste of time to me.

It must be very boring to witness too.

The only thing this guy seems open to is massive controlling behaviour.
He is using this one thing to control everything you do or say. I won't tolerate this these days.
My first husband did it for 8 years and in the end I just walked away.
I don't have time for this nonsense.

That’s a good word “nonsense”.

@MarshmallowAra the more you say the more I think you, sorry your friend, needs some assistance. Perhaps emotional maturity and openness to a true connection to another person isn't your, I mean, their, thing. So they stay emotional confusing - talking marriage on one hand and not telling there intended future husband when they're away for a weekend on the other. Not letting him end what is clearly an unfeasible waste of everyone's time. If you, sorry, your friend feels controlled, then for the love of God let the guy go. It's. Really. That. Simple.

We all have an arsehole.

Life is too short to go chasing after another one.

Nobody needs a matching pair. Not even your friend .

@Naunet

But discussing plans with the other is normal. If I called my fiance up and said 'I'm just going on a holiday seeya in a bit I think my bags would be packed

But there’s a very clear difference in dynamic between a fiancé, and a boyfriend you don’t live with when discussing plans to go away.

Wasn't this fictitious couple discussing marriage?

It's now controlling to discuss plans with the other

I used to date a girl who used to inform me when she got home from a night out. In fact, she'd send me a running commentary on what they were doing.

I asked her the other day why she did this.
She just said it was her way of showing she cared and was respectful.

Personally, I thought it was odd at first, however, it was her way.

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

We all have an arsehole.

Life is too short to go chasing after another one.

Nobody needs a matching pair. Not even your friend .

@MarshmallowAra

Thanks for the response. She has repeatedly reassured him that she has string feelings/is in love too and feels she has learned from past relationships but this has continued.

He seems to have reluctantly accepted her going our but if he's unaware she's going out and funds out (because it's not been planned far ahead and she's not stopped in the middle of a quick turnaround after work for example, to tell him) he seems to be overcome by anxiety & pessimism, and has some kind of knee jerk reaction. He has never followed through on ending the relationship though.

OP this is an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship on both sides. His anxiety, his emotional unavailability and his ambivalence about her are all huge, red flags. Secondly, he might be getting a kick out of her chasing after him to resume the relationship.

They both have unhealthy attachment styles. Your friend needs to finish the relationship and work on her boundaries. If he wants to finish the relationship, she needs to let it go and move on. She's in a weak position here and he calls all the shots. She'll end up doing whatever he wants her to do in order to remain in the relationship and, like a frog in gradually boiling water, she'll find that she's being controlled before she can say ribbit.

If this was my friend, I would counsel her to do the Freedom Programme, to read up on red flags, unhealthy relationship behaviour and controlling men. I would advise her to work on her self esteem and to give relationships a swerve until she's in a better place.

Ah. The OP is the woman involved. I'm not into games.

She needs to walk away from this. He will keep punishing her and making her bet for the relationship every time she tries to do anything normal socially. He’ll break her down eventually and she will find herself a prisoner.

His insecurities, if that’s what they are and he’s not just a controlling freak, are not her problem to fix and pander to. All this because she cheated in a relationship years ago, that has absolutely nothing to do with him. He’s seen the opportunity to oppress her and he’s taking it.

Beg*

But they don’t live together!! It would be beyond bizarre to check in like that with someone you don’t live with

I disagree with that statement to a point. I’ve been with my DP for 7.5 years and we don’t live together (that’s a whole other thread! ).

We do let each other know if we’re going out with friends etc. Firstly so we don’t disturb each other’s evening whilst we’re out and secondly, just out of common courtesy to each other.

So if he knows I’m seeing my best mate, he won’t call/text me that night as he’ll leave me to enjoy my evening. And vice versa.

I wouldn’t call that ‘checking in’, it’s just letting each other know what plans we have, because we don’t live together and wouldn’t know if we were disturbing those plans otherwise.

This is bonkers. Imagine making one mistake years ago in a completely different relationship and being endlessly punished for it by your new partner? He’s acting like he is the wronged party here when nothing has happened to him, he hasn’t been cheated on… It’s just such a weird situation.

If I were her, I’d end it because he sounds controlling and just a bit bonkers.

In the year since he's ended the relationship, or tried to to be more precise, at least three times and I've had to salvage it by contacting him, reasoning with him, I've gone to his home on the day we'd usually meet without a specific arrangement to talk to him about it

Hold on, He's tried to finish things three times and she's talked him around?

She's snowing him. After 3 times it's not a momentary worry, it's a consistent pattern that he doesn't want to go out with her.

She needs to bloody well respect his decision.

She cheated. not on him, but she cheated.

If he's lost trust in her, he's lost trust. Browbeating him isn't going to make it come back, it's only going to make this forced relationship worse.

He needs space to come to terms with the fact it's not going to work for him and space to heal. Leave the poor man alone.

@Youdiditanyway he's tried to end the relationship, the woman won't let him, she's that badly controlled SHE goes to HIM and persuades him to come back repeatedly...he must be a jedi.