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Original poster

To be disgusted with dp checking out someone else

312 replies

Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 13:23

Me and dp have only recently reconciled from nearly breaking up. I've recently had our first born and he knows me confident levels have been rock bottom. I look a mess and feel just as worse. I'm not asking for sympathy for it, but he is aware. Dp is a natural stare. He is always side eyeing people when we are out and when i ask him why he is staring at someone he just says his eyes trail off. Well me and dp and baby are all in the car. We were sitting in a car park when this lady comes out pushing her pram. She is wearing a nice tight dress and even I could see she had a nice figure. I caught him staring out of the corner of my eye and when I went to face him his eyes darted away. He then did it again when he thought I wasnt looking. She turned around and she was heavily pregnant. Aibu to be disgusted by this? I know people look, and it may of not been a sexual thing in his mind he may of just generally been staring. But given the fact we were only just on verge of a break up, and our baby was also in the back of our car, and she was very much pregnant, I think it's enough to warrant some silent treatment?

OP posts:
Waitrosedisaster · 04/07/2021 14:55

@Lavenderfields2

I'm leaving this thread. People seem fixated on calling me.controlking and abusive when I have done nothing of the sorts to either my child or my partner. As I've stated a thousand times I havent had a go at him for anything, nor ignored him. I am however upset. And I will not apologise nor feel bad for it. Being upset over something that I consider a boundary in a relationship isnt controlling, I am allowed to feel what I feel. None of this advice has been helpful. People have only picked apart the obvious. I'm aware I have self esteem issues. Mainly caused by suffering abuse from my dp and also coupled with giving birth. That is why I posted on this thread to get some insight and not take out my insecurity on my partner. Yet I get called controlling? So thankyou for all those that actually helped but I'll be coming off this now as all it's done is made me feel worse and I've sat here crying reading how I should just leave and how I'm subjecting the same partner who put me through physical abuse to controlling behaviour
OP, as gently as possible, this is quite an extreme reaction. You've had many, many people tell you that your behaviour was an over reaction and a dozen or more tell you that it is controlling. Please take time to reflect on your behaviour and get some help with your self-esteem. You don't want to be projecting this kind of behaviour on to other future relationships
grapewine · 04/07/2021 14:55

some sort of sadistic kick

People are not being sadistic. Many are quite rightly wondering, though, why the OP wants to reconcile with an abusive partner that she doesn't trust.

BigButtons · 04/07/2021 14:56

Op- you’ve a hard time on here from some.

In your shoes I would also be upset. What he did/ does is sleezy and disrespectful. He doesn’t care about your feelings or needs and I wonder why you are with him.
It’s ok to find another human being attractive but it’s not ok to be obviously looking at them In front of your partner .

RaindropsOnRosie · 04/07/2021 14:56

As all OPs who find out they're abusive do, this one has flounced out.

FloodgatesofHell · 04/07/2021 14:56

@Lavenderfields2

I'm not literally going to give him the silent treatment! I asked if I'm aibu to gauge this. Clearly it's an over reaction (however I still do not think partners should eye up people infront of each other) and I know silent treatment isnt a mature way to go about things and communicating is. However I've been so hurt recently when I said silent treatment what I meant was becoming reserved because that's what I naturally do when I'm upset. I'm already dealing with so much and my dp is meant to be proving to me he has changed.
The last sentence says that you need to walk away now. Regardless of what happened, or didn’t, you are wanting him to prove he’ll change. You can’t force that change in someone by giving him ‘rules’ then punishing his failure by silent treatment. If he wants to change, he will. I would be asking myself what will happen if he doesn’t? Where do you want to go in life? Do you want to keep trying to change him for the next 10/20 years?
Blueskytoday06 · 04/07/2021 14:57

@FatCatThinCat

I expect that if you felt loved and respected in your relationship this wouldn't bother you.
This.
PurpleFlower1983 · 04/07/2021 14:57
Flowers

OP, people don’t change. I spent 9 years with an abusive man and 7 of them hoping he would change, he never did. Getting out was the best thing I have ever done. Little things like this would eat away at me as I felt I deserved to be treated with so much more respect, I understand how something like this feels huge in the context of your abusive relationship. Try and put you and your baby first.

Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 14:58

@RaindropsOnRosie being abusive how? I never gave him the silent treatment. I am simply upset by his actions and expected more respect than that. So how am abusive exactly? Abuse to me is rape. Hitting someone. Emotionally belittling them. Not being upset because your partner should be making an effort after potentionally ruining his family but instead wants to stare at women infront of his partner. You know nothing.

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 04/07/2021 14:59

I think you should seriously re-think getting back together.

FindingMeno · 04/07/2021 15:00

I also think you've had a hard time on this thread, op.
It isn't a big ask to expect your partner to use a bit of decency and respect when out with you.
I hope you're ok Flowers

mn2022 · 04/07/2021 15:00

Guilt tripping a partner and being irrationally upset at their perfectly normal behaviour is a form of abuse.

As usual...

AIBU?
Yes!
No I'm bloody not

Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 15:01

@RaindropsOnRosie @RaindropsOnRosie being abusive how? I never gave him the silent treatment. I am simply upset by his actions and expected more respect than that. So how am abusive exactly? Abuse to me is rape. Hitting someone. Emotionally belittling them. Not being upset because your partner should be making an effort after potentionally ruining his family but instead wants to stare at women infront of his partner. You know nothing.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/07/2021 15:01

OP, I dont know whats gone on in your relationship, and whilst I personally dont think subtly checking someone out is a big deal and I sometimes do it without even realising, it sounds like its part of a bigger picture here, and youve wanted to leave, been talked into staying, and this has made you realise that nothing has actually changed. In my opinion "the silent treatment" is a waste of time. Youd be better off making plans for a better life where you dont have someone that makes you feel crap all the time.

Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 15:02

@mn2022 expect I havent guilt tripped him. I havent done anything to him. That's why I posted on here first. I heard you all say I'm being unreasonable and I've taken that on board. Yet that's enough and you and a few other posters keep badgering me about being controlling over something I have not done

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 04/07/2021 15:02

OP, I'm really sorry. Only you know if this is a pattern of something, and it's clearly struck a nerve.

I do think think the eyeing up is a red herring, though.

With kindness, if your partner has been significantly, and physically, abusive, I think that's the core problem -- far more than your partner being a bit sleazy.

Waitrosedisaster · 04/07/2021 15:02

[quote Lavenderfields2]@RaindropsOnRosie being abusive how? I never gave him the silent treatment. I am simply upset by his actions and expected more respect than that. So how am abusive exactly? Abuse to me is rape. Hitting someone. Emotionally belittling them. Not being upset because your partner should be making an effort after potentionally ruining his family but instead wants to stare at women infront of his partner. You know nothing.[/quote]
There's different types of abuse OP and I don't think everyone in this thread who are pointing out yours are lying to you.

Honestly, if your DP is as physically abusive as you are suggesting, you need to do right by your baby and leave. Yes, your self-esteem needs some work but I can't see it getting any better in this relationship. You're already displaying controlling and dramatic behaviour and trying to implement 'rules' for your partner and you level of defensiveness towards anyone who tries to point this out to you is quite frankly, concerning.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/07/2021 15:03

There are good men out there OP and when you find one it hits you like a tonne of bricks with the realisation of what you have been missing. Don’t let this man ruin your life. Flowers

Dramallama4 · 04/07/2021 15:04

Wow, some strange comments here, it is strange to blatantly stare at the opposite sex, a glance at someone you find attractive is normal, ogling isn’t. I’ve had a fair few relationships with men, only one was an ogler of women (usually women less than half his age) and it was quite frankly embarrassing. He was also a chauvinist, controlling, jealous and highly critical of women who didn’t meet his ‘standards’.
I’m guessing his past behaviour has contributed to your low self esteem, a partner who loves you will always build you up, not knock you down.

Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 15:06

@Waitrosedisaster I dont implement rules what are you on about? All I done about what happened was post on here. I havent said or done anything to him. Yes I have expectations in our relationship and I'm not apologising for that. But I dont enforce them nor do I "punish" my partner. BUT my god I'm allowed to be upset

OP posts:
Waitrosedisaster · 04/07/2021 15:09

[quote Lavenderfields2]@Waitrosedisaster I dont implement rules what are you on about? All I done about what happened was post on here. I havent said or done anything to him. Yes I have expectations in our relationship and I'm not apologising for that. But I dont enforce them nor do I "punish" my partner. BUT my god I'm allowed to be upset[/quote]
OP, I think maybe you should leave the thread. You're not willing to take any criticism on board and it's clearly not doing you any good having people point out issues with your behaviour. Good luck

Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 15:11

@Waitrosedisaster I think you should leave your not helping nor do you have anything else to say other than I'm abusive and when I ask why and counteract your points you have nothing to say but the same thing

OP posts:
TourdeTarte · 04/07/2021 15:12

This relationship is dead. You should separate and raise your child as amicably as possible.

HappyCamperT5 · 04/07/2021 15:12

Of course you are allowed to be upset. You have just had a baby and your partner has been disrespectful.
I really think you need to come off here, be kind to yourself and be there for your baby.
Your relationship sounds like it needs to be worked on and no one on hear can tell you what you need to do.
You deserve to be happy, and I wish you and your family all the best 💐

Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 15:12

@Waitrosedisaster as I said for the thousand time it's not abusive to be upset about something. It would of been if I ignored him. But I didnt. I got over myself and this thread helped me realise it was childish. But that's not good enough for you? Dont really get what you want from me but I dont need to justify myself to you

OP posts:
Puddington · 04/07/2021 15:14

OP, given what you said your thoughts on what abuse is are, did your "partner" do those things to you? FWIW I think it's a bit creepy to openly ogle other people, it's not something I personally do, but I honestly don't think that's the crux of the issue, it's just the thing you are focusing on rn. If your partner did any of the things you mentioned to you, you need to think about leaving. I don't think he will change and it's not a good idea to "work things out" with someone who was extremely abusive. Good luck.