Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 207 - hot summer of fun

998 replies

Dancerinthemoonlight · 04/07/2021 00:06

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
HairyArsedMan · 18/07/2021 22:35

Pet hate on photographs is sunglasses. Definitely don’t have shades on your first picture.

Otherwise have them try to capture something of yourself and your interests and have them be relatively recent - past year or two. I quite like when some stick arty photos in there too, especially if into photography. It relieves the swiping tedium.

Not bothered about showing teeth etc., not in search of a show pony. A natural smile works for me.

JustAnotherOldMan · 18/07/2021 22:50

God I hate banter people, I feel like giving them a kick in the nuts and saying “only joking “

Onesmallstep67 · 18/07/2021 23:00

@VanGoghsDog, It’s a difficult one because you don’t want to appear rude but you’re clearly not interested in him so I wouldn’t reply to every message he sends. I had to do this even fairly recently with a guy I’ve never met but have remained ‘friends’ with over several years. I can never quite work out if he’s bored or lonely but he would send a string of fairly inane messages and I would politely reply. But I had to force myself to appear rude and just read / ignore.

Dirtyduck · 18/07/2021 23:01

My instant swipe lefts are:

  • A Where's Wally style group shot, don't make me try and work out which one you are , i WILL assume you are either the ugliest one or married and not wanting the wife to find out!
  • Drug use, spliffs or bongs in photos or "420 friendly" in bio
  • The adrenaline junkie: All pics are of them throwing themselves out of aeroplanes, Machete-ing their way through a rainforest or hanging off of the top of Everest.
  • Any reference to having a high sex drive or explicit sexual desires in bio (I'm referring to a site like Bumble, rather than FAB where I would expect that)
  • Any mention of crazy ex in bio

I probably have lots more, certain phrases give me the instant ick.

VanGoghsDog · 18/07/2021 23:20

The whole 'banter' thing is a smokescreen a lot of the time.

I know - does anyone like it? How do you react to it?

He's just texted to tell me it's hot upstairs in his house. Yes mate, it will be!

VanGoghsDog · 18/07/2021 23:23

[quote Onesmallstep67]@VanGoghsDog, It’s a difficult one because you don’t want to appear rude but you’re clearly not interested in him so I wouldn’t reply to every message he sends. I had to do this even fairly recently with a guy I’ve never met but have remained ‘friends’ with over several years. I can never quite work out if he’s bored or lonely but he would send a string of fairly inane messages and I would politely reply. But I had to force myself to appear rude and just read / ignore.[/quote]
Yes, I'm going to have to do that. I often don't respond, I'm going to have to respond even less. It feels like he has no friends or other interests than his kids (who are grown up with partners etc).

I do still need some decorating soon.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 18/07/2021 23:29

@VanGoghsDog

The whole 'banter' thing is a smokescreen a lot of the time.

I know - does anyone like it? How do you react to it?

He's just texted to tell me it's hot upstairs in his house. Yes mate, it will be!

@VanGoghsDog bloody hell 🙄 he sounds like a mine of conversation 😂😂😂
BelladiMamma · 18/07/2021 23:42

@VanGoghsDog

The whole 'banter' thing is a smokescreen a lot of the time.

I know - does anyone like it? How do you react to it?

He's just texted to tell me it's hot upstairs in his house. Yes mate, it will be!

The tricky thing is he's your decorator. Can you just cool off the text convos again with a 'as we're not dating maybe we should dial down the contact' or 'I'm busy at work I might not be able to answer quickly' & then leave more than 24 hours between messages?
VanGoghsDog · 18/07/2021 23:55

Can you just cool off the text convos again with a 'as we're not dating maybe we should dial down the contact' or 'I'm busy at work I might not be able to answer quickly' & then leave more than 24 hours between messages?

I'll just stop responding. There have been only about two days since we first matched that he's not messaged me. Since 11th April.

If he didn't message me, I'd never start a conversation with him.

Heartbeats0708 · 19/07/2021 07:47

That sounds really tedious @VanGoghsDog you have far more patience than me. He'd only have to catch me on a bad day once to know about it. I hate those kind of conversations that feel like you're constantly on the defensive though, as you say it just shows really bad conversation skills.

Naimee87 · 19/07/2021 08:53

Just catching up after the weekend.

@VanGoghsDog that sounds SO annoying, how have you lasted so long a put up with these sly digs that are meant to be funny. I would also go as distant with him as possible. It wears you down. And you've no obligation to reply to him. Plus your new irons sound like a breath of fresh-air compared to him. Let us know how the dates pan out, they planned for this week right?
@BelladiMamma sorry to hear about your fall hopefully you're on the mend. Also your life sounds tremendously chaotic like mine! And i love chaos! Perhaps the universe will soon reward you with a hunky-stable-boy (man) @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards did you get some new pics taken. I only have selfies and i think mostly as natural as possible and one with my son too. Non are full length. I think it's best to try give as 'real' a snap-shot of your life as possible. So agree with Dancer and sorting it out I don't tend to over-do my 'bio' though keep it really short and sweet as admittedly i don't tend to read other bio's. Perhaps that makes me a little shallow. I tend to unmatch anyone that asks for more photo's immediately after matching as i am not much of a 'selfie' taker anyway and don't think i'm photogenic so prefer to just meet as quickly as possible. Thanks @WeWantTheFinestWines indeed MrElf didn't have his height listed and out of curiousity and after a fair few messages on whatsapp i did ask and he did tell me to take a chance on him, admitted he was small (5'8) and i'm 5'4. Really happy i did as likely if it had been on his profile i probably wouldn't have matched with him. I'd have swiped in the wrong direction. Agree with hairy it's a no to photos only with shades and hats, in my experience if all photos are with hats 'you're bald' and hiding it. Yes i do have first hand experience of this, a bald reveal on date 0. Sounds harsh so flame me if you like but it was a NO from me. Anyone know the film Megamind? Grin I know being bald cannot be helped and some men do suit this look and can be really sexy but if it's hidden till you meet then the photo's and real life person don't often match 1:1...
@MayEye sorry to hear about MrTG. I honestly know how it feels when you just get no text whatsoever from someone you really care about. I can only say that he doesn't desreve any of your energy wasted on him and you fully deserve to enjoy your holiday with your children. Easier said than done but helps to know others have been really in a similar situation and can relate to the feeling. And tell you it get's better, it really does. Do whatever makes YOU feel good! Indulge while you're away!

BelladiMamma · 19/07/2021 09:41

@Naimee87 glad to hear I'm not the only one with a chaotic life. It makes sense to me as I know what I'm doing day to day but I realise my lifestyle isn't for everyone. I'm self employed, have major hobbies and swing from massively social (used to throw large parties at the drop of a hat) to needing weeks of time alone to just think and work.

A few of my younger cousins have been diagnosed as ASD / ADHD and I'm increasingly thinking that if I'd been younger I'd have been diagnosed too. My school performance and attendance was erratic, my behaviour also veered from excelling role model to out and out scamp and truant. No one knew which Bella they were getting! My hair colour and social group and sexuality was a regular kaleidoscope. Sometimes I wake up and think, it's exhausting being me I'd like to be that person I can be sometimes, the one that can spend hours and years in a library researching something and is chilled. I am chilled as in I don't scream and shout and mess about with people ... but I will literally turn on a sixpence and board a flight that afternoon for somewhere / change jobs if it seems like the more stimulating option at the time.

Sorry this isn't to do with OLD but it does help me put stuff into perspective around relationships! I am capable of long term monogamy - but I had to really knuckle down for that change to happen! Plus I'm a very stable and predictable presence in my children's lives in terms of my expectations around behaviour and the way I am around them. But I think that's because I've created my own baked in multi layered approach to life so that all the chaos happens with juggling multiple clients and multiple responsibilities and activities.

Maybe everyone is like this and I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill?

It also makes me think I need to be either with someone who's prepared to completely fit into my life in a useful way - like helping with the horses! - or juggle multiple FWB situations.

I think I'm going to have a heart to heart with Mr Beard about this if we get it on. He's FaceTimed me loads and we are getting on really well. And he's a proper hunk. Essex builder boy ...

Naimee87 · 19/07/2021 10:23

Quick Elf update.
We spent sunday together and honestly the blow-up was just a bad case of lost in text-lation. I will tread carefully though as i've made excuses time and time again for bad behaviour and know now what i will and won't tolerate. I told him straight if he has something to say or is confused about what i sent then he HAS to call because text messages get so miscontstrued. I've got some child-free time coming up and it's looking likely we'll be spending it together. Yay!

BelladiMamma · 19/07/2021 10:31

@Naimee87

Quick Elf update. We spent sunday together and honestly the blow-up was just a bad case of lost in text-lation. I will tread carefully though as i've made excuses time and time again for bad behaviour and know now what i will and won't tolerate. I told him straight if he has something to say or is confused about what i sent then he HAS to call because text messages get so miscontstrued. I've got some child-free time coming up and it's looking likely we'll be spending it together. Yay!
Oh good. So long as you know what you're willing or not to tolerate. Hoping he sorts out his communication issues and you keep having fun 🤞🏽
VanGoghsDog · 19/07/2021 10:37

Let us know how the dates pan out, they planned for this week right?

Thu date zero MrNonameasyet
Sat date 1 (it's the second?) with MrBee.

In the right order too, so I can decide if I like new guy 'better'. Tricky, isn't it?

MrNoname is a far more chatty and committed texter.

MrBee more practical on texts, just making arrangements, sending me dog photos.

No text from decorator as yet today - how do I know what time of day it is, or how hot it is?? 🤔

Maybe everyone is like this and I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill?

No.......I was "diagnosed" as autistic last year, and it explains why I find life so tiring. I actually feel better for the diagnosis because I can give myself a break, treat myself a bit better and I actually get more done by knowing I'm not cut out for some activities. My executive function is poor, so my house gets very untidy. I don't understand how it happens. But now I just accept that it does.

BelladiMamma · 19/07/2021 11:15

@VanGoghsDog

Let us know how the dates pan out, they planned for this week right?

Thu date zero MrNonameasyet
Sat date 1 (it's the second?) with MrBee.

In the right order too, so I can decide if I like new guy 'better'. Tricky, isn't it?

MrNoname is a far more chatty and committed texter.

MrBee more practical on texts, just making arrangements, sending me dog photos.

No text from decorator as yet today - how do I know what time of day it is, or how hot it is?? 🤔

Maybe everyone is like this and I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill?

No.......I was "diagnosed" as autistic last year, and it explains why I find life so tiring. I actually feel better for the diagnosis because I can give myself a break, treat myself a bit better and I actually get more done by knowing I'm not cut out for some activities. My executive function is poor, so my house gets very untidy. I don't understand how it happens. But now I just accept that it does.

Did you find that your diagnosis helped? I assume I'll have to go private & id like to make sure it's not going to send me down a rabbit hole of expense and feeling bad about stuff. I have moments of intense productivity so I feel like I make it work for me but I know that it's a 'thing'.

My cousin also struggles with her house. As I'm the opposite of that I can go there and spend all day sorting it for her. So in that way we can be complementary to each other

Isitreallyme777 · 19/07/2021 11:36

Morning everyone. Mr Cricket got back from his holiday on Friday, we were messaging on Saturday, nothing yesterday and just a brief message today. I'm trying not to worry because really there is nothing going on between us but I can't help feeling it has changed(it probably hasn't but I'm a right worrier). I didn't message him whilst he was away as he was with his daughter and I didn't want to encroach on that time, maybe I should have I don't know. Maybe I'm just over thinking things and he is tired from a week away and cricket on Saturday.

VanGoghsDog · 19/07/2021 11:47

Did you find that your diagnosis helped? I assume I'll have to go private & id like to make sure it's not going to send me down a rabbit hole of expense and feeling bad about stuff.

I was diagnosed by a phycologist I was using for some general therapy, so I guess it's not a formal diagnosis. It cost what the therapy was costing anyway. She is trained in it and I never asked her about that at all, she suggested we go through the tests.

Initially, I found it really hard, like I had failed in some way, something about me is "wrong". And it was on my mind 24 hours a day.

But I think I've got over that now. I find it useful to know, for example, when people think I "take things the wrong way", this isn't me being a "difficult person" as I have often been told, this is because my brain works differently. So instead of spending hours going over in my mind why I responded to something the way I did and surely it was obvious what was meant (it sometimes becomes obvious just after I respond, because of learned behaviour I can see things if I stop for a bit, or see people's reactions) I can now accept that my brain just works that way.

I do take things literally. I over think things.

An example of this - when I was a kid I saw it said on squash bottles "dilute to taste", and I thought this meant that until you diluted it it didn't taste of anything. Which was bewildering. So then I thought it was just an odd way of saying "don't drink undiluted" (replace "taste" with "drink", for example). I was an adult when I realised it means "dilute until it suits your taste preference".

These sorts of things still happen to me. Sometimes people think I'm joking so I get a good reputation for being funny, which is fine. I have a very high masking score so I do cover it up well.
And sometimes I am intentionally funny, using my ability to see things the "other way".

Funnily enough, of people who know me, I'd say they are split about 50/50 on "that makes sense" and "no, I don't see that at all".

It stemmed from a conversation about my mother who is almost without doubt autistic. And there can be a family association.

I was also abused as a child and autistic kids are more likely to be abused (I won't hypothesise as to why). But equally some of my childhood experiences could have left me with other disorders which present similarly to autism, such as attachment disorder (pretty likely from what I know of my early childhood) or CPTSD. It's really impossible to know to be honest.

But the thing I've tried to learn is to give myself a break over it all! I'm doing my best, if people think I'm difficult, they're not good people for me.

VanGoghsDog · 19/07/2021 11:48

My cousin also struggles with her house. As I'm the opposite of that I can go there and spend all day sorting it for her. So in that way we can be complementary to each other

I get really stressed when other people try to tidy me up. I want it to be tidy, I really do, but the process is very stressful!

VanGoghsDog · 19/07/2021 11:49

@Isitreallyme777

Morning everyone. Mr Cricket got back from his holiday on Friday, we were messaging on Saturday, nothing yesterday and just a brief message today. I'm trying not to worry because really there is nothing going on between us but I can't help feeling it has changed(it probably hasn't but I'm a right worrier). I didn't message him whilst he was away as he was with his daughter and I didn't want to encroach on that time, maybe I should have I don't know. Maybe I'm just over thinking things and he is tired from a week away and cricket on Saturday.
If he didn't message you while he was away either then you did the right thing.

Hopefully he's just busy post holiday and things will pick up again.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 19/07/2021 12:27

@Isitreallyme777

Morning everyone. Mr Cricket got back from his holiday on Friday, we were messaging on Saturday, nothing yesterday and just a brief message today. I'm trying not to worry because really there is nothing going on between us but I can't help feeling it has changed(it probably hasn't but I'm a right worrier). I didn't message him whilst he was away as he was with his daughter and I didn't want to encroach on that time, maybe I should have I don't know. Maybe I'm just over thinking things and he is tired from a week away and cricket on Saturday.
@Isitreallyme777 he probably is sorting things out after his holiday. Don't worry! He'll message ❤️
BelladiMamma · 19/07/2021 12:36

@VanGoghsDog

My cousin also struggles with her house. As I'm the opposite of that I can go there and spend all day sorting it for her. So in that way we can be complementary to each other

I get really stressed when other people try to tidy me up. I want it to be tidy, I really do, but the process is very stressful!

Interesting. My Dad is very ordered and doesn't let me touch his stuff. To me, his order is the wrong way round, particularly on his desk so I'll sometimes do it when he's sleeping. I try to just keep within the boundariesof things he could undo again. However I feel really calm in most of his environment because he orders all his books the way I would do.
BelladiMamma · 19/07/2021 12:44

@VanGoghsDog

Did you find that your diagnosis helped? I assume I'll have to go private & id like to make sure it's not going to send me down a rabbit hole of expense and feeling bad about stuff.

I was diagnosed by a phycologist I was using for some general therapy, so I guess it's not a formal diagnosis. It cost what the therapy was costing anyway. She is trained in it and I never asked her about that at all, she suggested we go through the tests.

Initially, I found it really hard, like I had failed in some way, something about me is "wrong". And it was on my mind 24 hours a day.

But I think I've got over that now. I find it useful to know, for example, when people think I "take things the wrong way", this isn't me being a "difficult person" as I have often been told, this is because my brain works differently. So instead of spending hours going over in my mind why I responded to something the way I did and surely it was obvious what was meant (it sometimes becomes obvious just after I respond, because of learned behaviour I can see things if I stop for a bit, or see people's reactions) I can now accept that my brain just works that way.

I do take things literally. I over think things.

An example of this - when I was a kid I saw it said on squash bottles "dilute to taste", and I thought this meant that until you diluted it it didn't taste of anything. Which was bewildering. So then I thought it was just an odd way of saying "don't drink undiluted" (replace "taste" with "drink", for example). I was an adult when I realised it means "dilute until it suits your taste preference".

These sorts of things still happen to me. Sometimes people think I'm joking so I get a good reputation for being funny, which is fine. I have a very high masking score so I do cover it up well.
And sometimes I am intentionally funny, using my ability to see things the "other way".

Funnily enough, of people who know me, I'd say they are split about 50/50 on "that makes sense" and "no, I don't see that at all".

It stemmed from a conversation about my mother who is almost without doubt autistic. And there can be a family association.

I was also abused as a child and autistic kids are more likely to be abused (I won't hypothesise as to why). But equally some of my childhood experiences could have left me with other disorders which present similarly to autism, such as attachment disorder (pretty likely from what I know of my early childhood) or CPTSD. It's really impossible to know to be honest.

But the thing I've tried to learn is to give myself a break over it all! I'm doing my best, if people think I'm difficult, they're not good people for me.

That's the thing. I don't want to feel like a failure. I actually don't share much of the other stuff with my therapist as she's been helping through bereavement and divorce and being there for the children. I'm almost embarrassed to mention the other stuff. I've tried talking to people about it occasionally and they're just like - mmm you're successful and sorted, what's the problem. My cousins get it though. We're often quite extreme in behaviours or interests. One of them just won a gold medal representing GB yesterday so it can be a helpful trait.

I remember all that altered perception as a kid. Funnily enough I embraced it and thought that it showed I could see more than 'normal people'.

Isitreallyme777 · 19/07/2021 13:01

@VanGoghsDog no he didn't message either (other than about football on Monday) so it was obviously the right thing to do. As you and @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards say he is probably busy post holiday, I had a week off and playing catch up with work today and I didn't go anywhere so don't have the added stuff to do.

VanGoghsDog · 19/07/2021 13:02

I'm almost embarrassed to mention the other stuff. I've tried talking to people about it occasionally and they're just like - mmm you're successful and sorted, what's the problem.

I didn't "mention" anything, she just identified it.

But I'm a big fan of the saying - when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears.

Re the latter - yes, I get this all the time. And they're right. There is no "problem", why does it matter? It doesn't. It's up to you. I didn't seek diagnosis and it was something of a surprise.

Funnily enough I embraced it and thought that it showed I could see more than 'normal people'.

I had no idea it was wrong, so I didn't think it meant anything. Even when things were explained I often didn't get it.

You should leave your dad's stuff where he likes it! I had a bf who tried to clear up my house and he found it infuriating that I deliberated over every item where he was like "six bags, you don't need six bags, which four shall I get rid of". I didn't ask him to do this, I got really stressed, but because he was "helping" me I felt churlish turning him down.

He kept going on about how great I would feel to give things to charity and have more space. But I didn't feel great about that. That was him. He felt great about that. Basically giving away another person's things made him feel good. With no consideration of how I felt.