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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 207 - hot summer of fun

998 replies

Dancerinthemoonlight · 04/07/2021 00:06

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Eesha · 16/07/2021 05:43

Happy birthday @bangheadhere40! I think i would also be thrown off course by a card (not even a text) so i would be curious as to whether it meant more. I would say thank you but if he tried to chat more, i would say it's great but our last conversations didn't result in anything and that i wasn't looking to go down that road again.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 16/07/2021 07:59

I hate the "I'm horny" messages. I'm clearly just a receptacle for your sperm and not a fully fledged woman with thoughts, feelings and opinions. There are dolls for that, mate.

bangheadhere40 · 16/07/2021 08:11

Thank you eesha...🙂

I will send a message later today, I'm just going to take it as no ulterior motive unless he says otherwise, which I'm sure he won't! But yes - I don't want to be a limbo penpal again.

I'm feeling very nervous about messaging him, he might just say " no problem" and not actually want to chat in which case I think I will feel worse having any correspondence with him.

I don't want this to cloud my day but think it might depending on his response.

SortingItOut · 16/07/2021 08:23

@bangheadhere40 Happy Birthday 🎂

Don't message him until tomorrow, most people send thanks the day after unless you've seen them in person or its close family and friends who you message regularly anyway.

Don't let this potentially spoil your day.

Onesmallstep67 · 16/07/2021 08:30

Happy birthday @bangheadhere40. Hope you have a lovely day. I want to comment about the card from 3MW but that’s keeping it in your mind when you should be focusing on yourself and your day 🥳 suffice to say IMO a guy who you knew for a relatively short period of time probably hasn’t just ‘remembered’ your birthday. I would be surprised if there was no ulterior motive… anyhow that’s for another time so in the meantime have a good one !

Dancerinthemoonlight · 16/07/2021 08:32

@bangheadhere40 Happy birthday 💐🎂

OP posts:
Dirtyduck · 16/07/2021 08:39

@SpringlikeBunk

clip from SATC

Kind of outdated styling, but rings so true still Grin

That made me laugh so much! The second date was exactly what MrWales was like Shock. I'm not sure why I went out with him for so long, I was a constant ball of anxiety that he would kick off at someone for something very minor, he was very sweet to me though. Confused

@bangheadhere40 Happy birthday! have a wonderful day.

BelladiMamma · 16/07/2021 08:42

Happy birthday @bangheadhere40 Thanks

Slothmomma · 16/07/2021 08:43

Happy birthday @bangheadhere40 🥳

BelladiMamma · 16/07/2021 08:46

@Dirtyduck eventually those types do kick off against you. Well done for moving on & staying safe Thanks

Naimee87 · 16/07/2021 09:32

Happy Birthday@bangheadhere40 enjoy your day! Reply another time if at all! Ugh! The limbo phase awful. Don't go backwards... all easy to type/say, much harder to do. But go celebrate today!
@jugglingjobs i couldn't be doing with the overly sexy texts, not sure what he is hoping to gain from them either. I'd be tempted to give him another go though and see him, then go from there but completely your decision and like a lot of the girls here say its about boundaries and making ours clear from the start.
@Shuffleuplove agree with your way with words, definitely after some of that myself.

Quick Elf update we had a right blow up yesterday over text... i thought i'd sent him a funny joke and he took it massively the wrong way. It was about buying one of the most expensive cars that no one i know could afford as he is currently looking for one. And he took offense as he isn't working at the moment and thought i was being materialistic. This this isn't the first time he's blown up like this to what i have thought is just a joke! You'd need to be a millionaire to buy this car. Its really tiring and a massive turn-off. I'm thinking now our cultural differences may be a little harder to navigate and the fact he isn't a native english speaker doesn't help. He videod this morning to ask if i'm OK and if we can speak over the weekend which i've agreed to but not sure our characters really are as good a match as i thought.

Isitreallyme777 · 16/07/2021 09:36

Happy birthday @bangheadhere40 🎂

BelladiMamma · 16/07/2021 09:36

@Naimee87

Happy Birthday@bangheadhere40 enjoy your day! Reply another time if at all! Ugh! The limbo phase awful. Don't go backwards... all easy to type/say, much harder to do. But go celebrate today! *@jugglingjobs* i couldn't be doing with the overly sexy texts, not sure what he is hoping to gain from them either. I'd be tempted to give him another go though and see him, then go from there but completely your decision and like a lot of the girls here say its about boundaries and making ours clear from the start. *@Shuffleuplove* agree with your way with words, definitely after some of that myself.

Quick Elf update we had a right blow up yesterday over text... i thought i'd sent him a funny joke and he took it massively the wrong way. It was about buying one of the most expensive cars that no one i know could afford as he is currently looking for one. And he took offense as he isn't working at the moment and thought i was being materialistic. This this isn't the first time he's blown up like this to what i have thought is just a joke! You'd need to be a millionaire to buy this car. Its really tiring and a massive turn-off. I'm thinking now our cultural differences may be a little harder to navigate and the fact he isn't a native english speaker doesn't help. He videod this morning to ask if i'm OK and if we can speak over the weekend which i've agreed to but not sure our characters really are as good a match as i thought.

I'm so sorry to hear that. This is a trait that my ex h had and it is not pleasant. You end up walking on eggshells. Really sorry about that. I guess with Mr Elf it depends if you're going to have any sort of LTR or if this is just a summer fling / dating fun. But then he's not really making it fun is he, if he's blowing up at small things. Sorry again, what a shame
VanGoghsDog · 16/07/2021 10:27

MrDecorator sent me a joke I didn't like, I just sent him this face 🤨. He said "I thought you'd like it", I said he thought wrong.

But taking a joke as a personal dig, from someone you know likes you, is a definite over reaction. In a work video call today someone showed off their Spurs logo top and I said "oh, is that Arsenal?", which made everyone laugh - but I hope he doesn't report me for bullying!

Onesmallstep67 · 16/07/2021 10:47

@Naimee87, sorry to hear that Mr Elf's reactions are causing you to question if you are truly compatible. Was it not Mr Elf who also threw a bit of a strop about you not offering him a lift when he had his bike?

MayEye · 16/07/2021 11:28

Happy birthday @bangheadhere40 - it’s sunny and warm here, I hope it’s the same where you are and you have an amazing day - I agree respond to the ex iron tomorrow or not at all if it’s going to mess with you.

@Naimee87 it should still be easy and a laugh at this stage. Not drama and rows.

@BelladiMamma I hope everything goes well with your procedure and it’s not causing you to worry too much

Update from me - it’s been 2 weeks now of no contact with Mr TG and in that time I’ve gone from sadness, to anger, to a resigned acceptance that we are done. If I don’t hear from him by Sunday I will message him a goodbye because I need it closed off, but even if he does reach out I will be amazed if we can move forward given his situation and the way he has treated the relationship up to now. I’m laying it all out to him anyway.

Naimee87 · 16/07/2021 12:34

Thanks everyone! @Onesmallstep67Yes it was him that blew up about the lift in the rain Hmm i'm guessing his true coulours are beginning to show and @MayEye i'm all about light-hearted fun and he is funny and we have a laugh in real life together. Seems apart on text its a bit of a different story.
I'm a people pleaser too so initially i thought i should reach him but i decided to stay strong and not cave/apologise. I do want to see him and find out why he seems to fly off the handle but @BelladiMamma (good luck with the docs) it feels like walking on eggshells and i'm not going to change how i am. I will have the awkward conversations now that i'd shyed away from in the past. Have to admit though my fingers are itching to check Badooooo Grin not been on it since i met him. BUT i'll see what the weekend brings first! I really am not quite ready to properly throw in the towel and give up because there is something special about him in comparison to the awful f**k wits i've previously let into my life.
@VanGoghsDog that is exactly something i'd do too! People need to lighten up and not take themselves too seriously. But easy to say i suppose given my character i very rarely take things to heart.

Naimee87 · 16/07/2021 12:37

Love this outlet as well! Really helps to just chat through whats in my head. Even if i am a bit waffly. Appreciate all your messages!

BelladiMamma · 16/07/2021 13:39

I love this outlet too. I mean it's a bit niche, talking about your online dating progress, there's only so many good friends that can be bothered to hear about that 😁

In my news, MrBear has gone on holiday and left DD's laptop in his flat 🤦🏻‍♀️

It was the hill on which the relationship died. He kept on and on about how he could get it repaired at work and I was very so so because DD looks for any excuse not to do work and she's just flunked an important set of exams. He insisted and sent me a UPS courier to get it at which point I caved and sent it. I felt slightly coerced and tried to talk to him about it and he just didn't get it. He's had it for 3 weeks, it is now repaired and DD needs it for school, she's been using mine but I need it for work ... and the two times he's asked me about it he's just said 'I'm not in the country'. I really didn't think he'd be that person. He's got a regular housekeeper and his DD has a key to the flat so I could organise a courier.

Anyway. MrBeard is up for meeting earlier and we've been chatting loads but in fact he would need to take to take a day off to make it worth it or I would need to travel with the pups. And then a bit of a rush to get back to hospital for my thing. So we'll see.

BelladiMamma · 16/07/2021 13:40

I postponed the other chats. I'll pick them up in a couple of weeks if me and MrBeard aren't going anywhere.

bangheadhere40 · 16/07/2021 14:17

Thank you for all the birthday wishes 😘

I sent a message saying thank you and asking how he's doing. He replied saying I'm very welcome for the card but never answered me how he's doing.

I think it's just him being nice for my birthday and I shouldn't think more into it.

SpringlikeBunk · 16/07/2021 15:46

Happy birthday @bangheadhere40

@Dirtyduck The thing is that episode was MEANT to be an exaggerated laugh - but if you pick five guys off apps now they’d probably be a lot worse for first meets Grin

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 16/07/2021 17:19

Hi everyone - I'm getting tempted to jump back into the OLD pool, however there's one thing that's putting me off: I'm a guy and when I browse who's available in my area, an overwhelming majority seen to be looking for an "outdoorsy guy" (this is women aged 37 to 49 by the way).

Now, I do enjoy a walk in the woods and the odd outdoor activity, but we're talking more the wild camping, out-in-all-weathers, always-active type here.

For what it's worth, I do like to keep in shape (I go to the gym a couple of times a week) and I've got my interests and hobbies - its just they're things like writing, exploring culture and the arts (for what its worth, I even joined a specialist dating site called Love Arts, which bizarrely turned out be full of when of this demographic who didn't seem to be all that fussed with the arts and, again, were more interested in outdoorsy activities - though I suspect this is because the site pulls from a pool made up of many different niche interest websites).

Is it just the area I live in (South-west England)? The age group (so many of my friends are running marathons or become hardcore cyclists). Are "outdoorsy" men just generally more desired (I guess if you aspire to be that way, you might look for someone like that)? Or is just that active, outdoorsy people of that age-range are more likely to do online dating?

Please give me some assurance there's single women looking for a "a bit of outdoors is nice, but its not my main thing" kind of guy are out there!

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 16/07/2021 17:21

sorrym that should read "which bizarrely turned out be full of women* of this demographic who didn't seem to be all that fussed with the arts and, again, were more interested in outdoorsy activities - though I suspect this is because the site pulls from a pool made up of many different niche interest websites)

SpringlikeBunk · 16/07/2021 17:33

@TossaCoinToYerWitcher

Welcome Smile

Personally, I think it's easy to get a false idea of what people actually want from just looking at profiles?

Start chatting and contacting people and see what or who comes up without overthinking.

If someone finds you attractive and connects, they probably won't be too fussed about your hobbies and more of a "nice to have".

I do think maybe the women are signalling they don't want a "couch potato" guy who hits a certain age and just wants to stay in with the TV, so if you have SOME interest in going out and doing stuff with your dates then that's probably a plus point!

It's hard enough getting to the "meet" stage and find mutual chemistry, so maybe just think about that first without thinking about the logistics of your joint life.