Dating Thread 207 - hot summer of fun

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thank you @Onesmallstep67 you always write such lovely and thoughtful posts. I bet MrCocky never replied as he didn’t want to say goodbye to you!! Hope you are feeling a little better about that now.
Yes I would have expected something a little more from Trades given that I gave him a second chance so to speak, but it wasn’t to be. Thanks again for your kind words xx

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I think I'm going to give Tinder a break when my gold runs out on Sunday. I don't have any chats on the go and I had to report yet another match tonight. He called me a dirty whore which came out of no where.

The wannabe cockldging actor called me that when we were in a situationship and he explained it by saying 'it turns me on' 🤮

@BelladiMamma I was called it because I have dated black, mixed and white men. He also told me 'dont ever talk to us black guys again'
He also tried to slut shame me by asking if I had slept with every man I had dated. I didn't respond and just reported and unmatched him.

I don't know why the apps feel so different this year Vs when I was on them last year. It all seemed so much easier back then but then I also had pretty non existent boundaries.

[quote Dancerinthemoonlight]@BelladiMamma I was called it because I have dated black, mixed and white men. He also told me 'dont ever talk to us black guys again'
He also tried to slut shame me by asking if I had slept with every man I had dated. I didn't respond and just reported and unmatched him.

I don't know why the apps feel so different this year Vs when I was on them last year. It all seemed so much easier back then but then I also had pretty non existent boundaries.[/quote]
What the actual...?

Oh god, some days I'm so over men.

Sadly @Dancerinthemoonlight I’m noticing the same thing - once you start noticing all the pushiness and rudeness and microaggressions and start seeing the issues with guys pushing boundaries and consent and getting rude you can’t ”Unsee” it?

I mean if this was the equivalent of meeting someone in a bar we’d be pressing Charges for assault every night!

On the bench with you and @Shayelle2009

May be here rest of year!

Think MrC kind of got the benefit of my frustration with the apps and wasn’t that peaceful a conversation . I’m moving soon so what will be will be.

I’m just fed up of “mental load” stuff - kind of felt he was hinting we should socialise this summer but it’s down to me to kind of instigate and organise and Tbh I have my own financial and work and practical stuff to lean in on?

Im not an extrovert and don’t want to have to make plans and “sell them” to someone, I’d rather just go see do stuff solo if that’s the case?

I mean this isn’t even the worst of it - just the ones I’ve snapshotted as a “sample”? All started off like normal chats.

And dealing with these fuckers regularly is choosing to traumatise myself

@Dancerinthemoonlight I'm really sorry to had to go though that. That man sounded like a total arsehole. (I could use stronger words) I can't believe the nerve of him!

Sending you lots of love and good thoughts. You don't ever have to justify yourself to anyone ❤️😘

*you

@SpringlikeBunk

I mean this isn’t even the worst of it - just the ones I’ve snapshotted as a “sample”? All started off like normal chats.

And dealing with these fuckers regularly is choosing to traumatise myself

That's so grim. I've only ever had that kind of thing happen once it's clear that we're dating / going to have sex. The chats I've had through OLD have all been very respectful. Those other dodgy bastards were 'friends of friends'

I just nearly cried reading a sex scene in a book.

I think I really need to get out more 😂❤️

@BelladiMamma

Not sure if like @Dancerinthemoonlight says it's just seeing red flags better now or my mindset (and it's always been the same!)

But after being more active on the apps the last month, the "level of pressure" is just mental.

I mean I'm not going for "stereotyped player looking types,", just slightly geeky mainstream types?

I have met some nice guys and had some nice moments tbf.

But also for every "ok meet" seems there like a ridiculous proportion of "this guy should be locked up/punched in the face" comments.

And it's not even about sex vs relationship - I've been open to meeting, physically exploring on a first date if we click

it's that sense of "entitlement" like if I don't volunteer to send photos of my vagina and say what I'm going to do in bed and first meet at mine, then I'm "outside the norm".

What's that someone said "men have always hated women, but the internet just makes it more obvious?"

Definitely on the bench with @Dancerinthemoonlight and @Shayelle2009 for now!

otherwise you guys are going to be running a Gofundme for my legal fees for GBH to one of those creeps

It’s awful that all of us are going through it but it definitely helps me see that it’s not ME bringing out the shit behaviours for some reason, just that actually 95% of them are actually awful human beings with a lot of hate inside (directed at women), hard not to let it bring you down when you experience it over and over again, often on a daily basis.
I am not rejoining any app any time soon.

With MrTrades I now see that he only got back in touch to smooth things over in the hope of getting his end away on a Friday night. Wish I’d never given him my number but it is what it is, I’ll just keep him on block.

It's like when Mr Racing told me I was cold and hard work when I didn't fall over myself to gush over his dick pic (which was absolutely vile) or want to sext a man I don't know. Some men feel entitled and then when they don't get what they want they turn nasty.

@Isitreallyme777 @Shayelle2009 @SpringlikeBunk I spent most of the last 18 months dodging blokes that were exactly like this, and felt completely at a loss as to how to avoid / prevent it happening. I must admit, part of it made me feel like it was my fault. One of my irons 'friend of friend' from last year ended up assaulting me and stalking me during lockdown. It was genuinely right up there as one of the worst experiences of my life.

But somehow, cross fingers, somehow I'd managed to dodge those guys on OLD. maybe it's because I've not spent very long on there. Fucking sad really isn't it?

Here's to a better humanity and a better sort of bloke for us all.

Ah @BelladiMamma that must have been terrifying for you 😞 what goes through their minds hey. How did you finally get rid of him in the end?

I also don’t get too many creeps on the messaging as I hardly ever find anyone I wish to chat to … it’s always when I finally do, they always turn out to be shit x

It is terrible to have to have to cope with entitled/abusive men and to be so wary. So sorry you had to go through that @BelladiMamma
@Isitreallyme777 cold and hard for not responding to a dic pic? Bloody hell.
@SpringlikeBunk yes the pressure is something that I am so wary of.

My Ex was a serial philanderer on OLD whilst we were together - sending dic pics to absolutely anyone. A real wolf in sheep’s clothing. He’d first send a pic of him and his kids - and then make sure his big house and expensive car was in the photo. He is very articulate, he’d be really polite. But he’d lie and keep the pressure on to meet, and make it physical as soon as he could - little touches, nice warm hug etc. He had the same phrases he’d trot out. He was texting 20 women a day at some points. He’d always make it so he sounded actually very laid back - and no pressure. But the number of women he had sex with, who were sold a lie, must be over a 100. All while he was married to me with a child. I think his entitlement made him slowly quite emotionally abusive.

So I am really wary. It’s why it’s taken me so long to actually use OLD.

@SpringlikeBunkUnfortunately my Ex was just this! slightly geeky mainstream types

@Rejoiningperson

It is terrible to have to have to cope with entitled/abusive men and to be so wary. So sorry you had to go through that *@BelladiMamma* *@Isitreallyme777* cold and hard for not responding to a dic pic? Bloody hell. *@SpringlikeBunk* yes the pressure is something that I am so wary of.

My Ex was a serial philanderer on OLD whilst we were together - sending dic pics to absolutely anyone. A real wolf in sheep’s clothing. He’d first send a pic of him and his kids - and then make sure his big house and expensive car was in the photo. He is very articulate, he’d be really polite. But he’d lie and keep the pressure on to meet, and make it physical as soon as he could - little touches, nice warm hug etc. He had the same phrases he’d trot out. He was texting 20 women a day at some points. He’d always make it so he sounded actually very laid back - and no pressure. But the number of women he had sex with, who were sold a lie, must be over a 100. All while he was married to me with a child. I think his entitlement made him slowly quite emotionally abusive.

So I am really wary. It’s why it’s taken me so long to actually use OLD.

Bloody hell, I am so sorry you had to go through this. How did you find out? My ex lied to me about a few things and in the end I just have to assume that he was cheating too as it seems to be part of the playbook, but I only discovered it once, as we were breaking up and he met her through work, so a more classic route to infidelity.

Sorry to hear about everyone's negative experiences 😞 As a PP pointed out though, it is slightly comforting to know that, actually, I'm not the problem because I always assume I am! I seem to attract disfunction unfortunately. Well, maybe not, maybe it is just that mostly of them online are crappy and that's why they're single 😂

Here is a list (over the years) of all the things guys have 'requested' either on a first message or very soon into the conversation:

Asked to wank on my feet. Also offered to buy me shoes to facilitate this
Offered to pay me for sex
Asked to 'throat fuck' me. Offered to 'train' me in this
Asked me to shit on him
Asked if he could choke me/call him Daddy
Asked to be my sugar daddy
Asked if I could have a threesome with him and another girl (sent me a photo of his dick up her arse to entice me 😂)

I'm not kink shaming at all, I've been known to try some non vanilla stuff in the context of a loving relationship but really?! Who asks this stuff of a complete stranger!

@Shayelle2009

Ah *@BelladiMamma* that must have been terrifying for you 😞 what goes through their minds hey. How did you finally get rid of him in the end?

I also don’t get too many creeps on the messaging as I hardly ever find anyone I wish to chat to … it’s always when I finally do, they always turn out to be shit x

It was terrifying. He was arrested twice, no charges brought, restraining order then he ran out of places to hide / freeload here so moved back to his home town. He's already got a new victim. He's very good at finding women on the cusp of / going through a divorce, it's his happy hunting ground

It actually makes me rage hearing some of these stories 😡 What the hell is wrong with these people!

@troobleflooble

Sorry to hear about everyone's negative experiences 😞 As a PP pointed out though, it is slightly comforting to know that, actually, I'm not the problem because I always assume I am! I seem to attract disfunction unfortunately. Well, maybe not, maybe it is just that mostly of them online are crappy and that's why they're single 😂

Here is a list (over the years) of all the things guys have 'requested' either on a first message or very soon into the conversation:

Asked to wank on my feet. Also offered to buy me shoes to facilitate this
Offered to pay me for sex
Asked to 'throat fuck' me. Offered to 'train' me in this
Asked me to shit on him
Asked if he could choke me/call him Daddy
Asked to be my sugar daddy
Asked if I could have a threesome with him and another girl (sent me a photo of his dick up her arse to entice me 😂)

I'm not kink shaming at all, I've been known to try some non vanilla stuff in the context of a loving relationship but really?! Who asks this stuff of a complete stranger!

Agreed. I'm happy to experiment in a loving and trusting relationship but to make it the important thing or the deal breaker- just, no.

Thanks to those who commented on my post yesterday, seems a lot of us are or have been in similar situations.

Although my marriage was a shit show I'm grateful it taught me what is not acceptable in a relstionship and that I've got some healthier boundaries now.

The feeling of having the 'silent treatment that wasn't' was so overwhelming, I felt sick to the pit of my stomach, I was tearful and it brought back all the feelings I had when I was married and I hated it.

I definitely would draw a line under any relationship that had emotional abuse in it, no matter what level. I put up with far too much in my marriage and I won't do it again plus I'm more confident in being able to discuss my feelings even if its not what the other person wants to hear.

@BelladiMamma it’s massively shaken my trust as my Ex was the last person you’d ever think of. Responsible family guy. He’s still on OLD now, clocking up 100s of women. It’s actually unbelievable. He is very sexual but I think it’s all about feeling powerful.

I found out by cleaning out the house one day and sorted out paper mobile phone bills for him - they were strange as they had hundreds of texts a day. One day could be three A4 pages. I had to double check as he never seemed to be answering texts in my presence, ever. And then I saw that many of them were late at night, or when he was ‘in the bathroom’ or at work - and had exchanges of pictures.

Of course he denied it all. So in the end I texted a few of the numbers and asked if they could please tell me the truth - and that I had no blame for them. I actually got a couple of replies from women who were stunned that he had a wife and baby, and told me everything. I looked on OLD and it was very obvious who he was. He had multiple profiles.