Dating Thread 207 - hot summer of fun

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@FluffyFluffMonster I hope Mr Coffee is well and truly dumped for being a negging twat.
This is him on his best behaviour, imagine him in 6 months😱
Mr Coffee is an a-hole and you are beautiful and amazing as you are 💕

@Dancerinthemoonlight You know my thoughts on Mr Spontaneous who is also a twat, hope Mr Wine behaves better.

@VanGoghsDog Hope your funk has lifted this morning. Definitely get out of the house today.
I'm sorry to read that Mr WG has not become the partner you hoped.

Just thought I'd give you all a cautionary tale about letting your past affect your future.

Some know that I was in a 17 yr emotionally abusive marriage, my feelings were suppressed for years and conflict was all I knew in a relationship.

I've been with Mr K for nearly 2 years, things are mostly great except we're both emotionally unavailable and I've got concerns as I've not met his family yet (although they know about me).

We had a very minor disagreement as I didn't invite him to a family event as it was on a night he has his son, he thought I should have given him the option whereas I feel huge guilt when he sees me when he should have his son (happened 3 times in 2 years).
On the night of the family event I message him to see how his evening went and about the football score, he reads it and doesn't reply. I'm starting to worry he is giving me the silent treatment. An hour later I send a good night message, its not read.
I wake up in the middle of the night to no messages and can't get back to sleep because I'm convinced this is the silent treatment and I'm going to finish things as its a boundary for me that will never be crossed.

The next morning he messages as normal so I tell him I was disappointed about his lack of messages and he says he was out with his mates (I didn't know that), was drunk and didn't read his messages properly.
I'm still annoyed, don't believe him, still think its the silent treatment and like a grown up decide to speak to him in person and end things, unfortunately that couldn't happen until last night...I'm all prepped to talk about things (huge deal as I hate expressing my feelings) and he tells me he's booked a table at a new restaurant🤦‍♀️

Not to be thrown off course I speak to him over dinner about everything and when I mentioned how hard I found his lack of messaging and that I thought he was giving me the silent treatment he explains that he was so drunk, he can't remember reading my messages, his phone died while he was out and he isnt sure how he got home. It wasnt until he woke up and charged his phone did he see my messages.
He then told me if he had an issue about things he would have raised it and doesn't do silent treatment (having had it done to him before)

So I didn't finish things and I feel so much better that we discussed it but realise that being a fearful avoidant as well as emotionally unavailable and coming from a toxic marriage is a recipe for overthinking.

Don't be like me......don't overthink and do discuss things.

Here endeth the sermon🙂

Yes I'm planning to get counselling soon.

Ahh @SortingItOut sorry you had the horrible experience. I was like that with my ex too I don’t think its abnormal to feel upset about not hearing back, you didn’t know he was out!! X

Morning! So my head is in a bit of a tizz after seeing Mr Cricket yesterday. I really enjoy seeing and getting to know him. I think him checking on me this past week has really opened my eyes to what a nice guy he is. The more I get to know him the more I fancy him(even in his cycling gear) 🙈.

We aren't in the position to ask what is going on yet and I don't want to scare him off by bringing it up. I'm so rubbish at reading things like this so can't tell if he is just a really nice guy or whether it could become more in the future when his life has settled down a bit. I mean we haven't even kissed, other than on the cheek. We have hugged though(I feel like a silly teenager saying that).

When we meet we chat about all sorts of stuff, his daughter, Brownies, cricket, current life stuff, past life stuff, childhood etc. He remembered I'm an army brat and that was something that came up the first time we met. So we really are getting to know each other. We talk for the whole time we are together and it's never awkward. We message every day and I don't even message my best friend every day.

I know I should carry on as normal, enjoy getting to know him, don't get emotionally invested, and even if it doesn't go that way I have a good friend but I bloody like and fancy this guy and it feels good(just have to make sure I don't get hurt). 🙈🙊

I wish i could meet you all in person too! Be amazing to put faces to our usernames. I get the feeling most of you are UK based...

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i think you do amazing to cope with your disability and if you are ever having another bad day just send a message and i'll happy try to cheer you up. I've no experience with your condition though i'm afraid but indulge in what makes you happy. MrElf just called me on Facetime to show me his nearly completed 1000 piece jigsaw with kittens as the picture. Was the last thing i was expecting to see from him but he seemed so impressed with it. It's the little things that make you smile.
@Dancerinthemoonlight definitely really weird behaviour from someone you met once. If they are so pushy over text imagine what they'd be like in real life. Definitely crossing fingers saturday is a good night out for you. I've had some men disappear on me though when i've told them i don't have any social media accounts other than the app. I'm juts not a fan of any of that stuff...but i think it sends them a red-flag that i might not be who i say i am.
@Isitreallyme777 MrCricket sounds so cute with the little cat comment. MrElf sent a photo of a little pug puppy that was at a restaurant he was at yesterday. He said it's not as cute as my dog though!
@VanGoghsDog did you ever check Badoo? it's a little tinder-like but mentioned earlier i had a fair few decent chats that kept going. MrElf was on there. And a mix of posers who obviously love themselves way more than they'll ever love anyone else and men who could be potential diamonds in the rough
@SortingItOut it's amazing that these sort of communication issues are faced by so many. Even though i wasn't in a really established relationship with MrS he put me through so much with his overly keen texts at the beginning and then complete lack of them when he was clearly ending things without reaaalllly ending things. I was stuck in such an anxious waiting/wondering phase for ages and it takes such a toll on your mental health. I never felt i could ask him face to face what he wanted and ask why he had changed. I Never want to go back there ever again. I'm trying to be cautious now with MrElf because i think i am a rather frequent texter so perhaps need to have the discussion with him on how he would like to stay in touch especially while he's away. I don't want to come across super clingy but at the same time want to be in touch enough that he still know's i'm keen. Hard to let go of the past but at least its taught me a lot about what i don't want and about what i need to do to be in a relationship that really makes me happy.

I know what you mean about the silent treatment @SortingItOut.

My most recent ex would disappear and not talk to me for days at a time. Didn't speak to me for 5 days over Christmas and New Years while I was visiting my family. For me, being such a chatty person and a massive overthinker, the silent treatment is one of the worse things a person can do to me. It's like psychological torture because I tie myself in knots wondering what I did wrong and what they are doing. I can't sleep or eat. I imagine crazy things. By the end I was literally begging him to talk to me, it absolutely ruined my mental health.

I know now that it was because he was cheating and he was with the OW so that makes it even worse 😂

I've been on and off Badoo for years. Whenever I reactivate my account I can still see posts from nearly twenty years ago.

My old FB was from there.

I don't like it though. It was originally what Facebook is now, but never took off, and converted itself to a sort of hook up app. The thing I don't like is that it links to your Facebook account, I can't work out how not to do that and I don't want people I don't know seeing all my Facebook photos, some of which have other people in.

I don't think any app is better than any other in terms of the people, it's just if you like the software. I'm not keen on Tinder because you can't access it (as far as I can tell?) on a laptop, and when I write to people I find it hard to do much on the phone.

But Tinder certainly has the most people on it. Both Decorator and Tall were from Tinder.

I woke up in even more if a funk. I've decided it's hormones! I'll just have to survive today. I've got a boozy lunch with a friend at a local pub tomorrow which I'm looking forward to. And Sunday the usual walking, a new person who lives near me sent a message about traveling together so that might be a new friend.

@SortingItOut - if he had his son, why was he suddenly out with his mates?

With MrWG, I never expected him to be a partner (hence dating other people), but the very low level of comms this week has been shocking, even my old FB I reconnected with last week texts me nearly every day.

I know he's running away from his problem, and it's not my job to fix him, but it is a shame as we get on so well.

Maybe it's me who's doing the silent treatment to MrWG, I don't know 🤔

@troobleflooble must have been a really awful experience but hopefully you're out the other end now. I think sometimes clean breaks are needed. But it baffles me that men and i suppose women too cannot bring themselves to just be honest and admit what they feel even if it will hurt someone in the short term it will inevitably save months of worry and anxiety. I'm a lot like you too with the over-thinking and worst case scenario stuff, also super chatty and very quick to think somethings gone wrong when texts are slow to come back. I'm trying to work on not needing so much reassurance but its so flinginflangin hard!

@VanGoghsDog His son"s mum was home alone (her partner was away) and offered to have their son home so they could watch football together while Mr K went out with his mates to watch the football.
Too be fair he has watched most matches at the pub with his mates.

@Naimee87

I wish i could meet you all in person too! Be amazing to put faces to our usernames. I get the feeling most of you are UK based...

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i think you do amazing to cope with your disability and if you are ever having another bad day just send a message and i'll happy try to cheer you up. I've no experience with your condition though i'm afraid but indulge in what makes you happy. MrElf just called me on Facetime to show me his nearly completed 1000 piece jigsaw with kittens as the picture. Was the last thing i was expecting to see from him but he seemed so impressed with it. It's the little things that make you smile.
@Dancerinthemoonlight definitely really weird behaviour from someone you met once. If they are so pushy over text imagine what they'd be like in real life. Definitely crossing fingers saturday is a good night out for you. I've had some men disappear on me though when i've told them i don't have any social media accounts other than the app. I'm juts not a fan of any of that stuff...but i think it sends them a red-flag that i might not be who i say i am.
@Isitreallyme777 MrCricket sounds so cute with the little cat comment. MrElf sent a photo of a little pug puppy that was at a restaurant he was at yesterday. He said it's not as cute as my dog though!
@VanGoghsDog did you ever check Badoo? it's a little tinder-like but mentioned earlier i had a fair few decent chats that kept going. MrElf was on there. And a mix of posers who obviously love themselves way more than they'll ever love anyone else and men who could be potential diamonds in the rough
@SortingItOut it's amazing that these sort of communication issues are faced by so many. Even though i wasn't in a really established relationship with MrS he put me through so much with his overly keen texts at the beginning and then complete lack of them when he was clearly ending things without reaaalllly ending things. I was stuck in such an anxious waiting/wondering phase for ages and it takes such a toll on your mental health. I never felt i could ask him face to face what he wanted and ask why he had changed. I Never want to go back there ever again. I'm trying to be cautious now with MrElf because i think i am a rather frequent texter so perhaps need to have the discussion with him on how he would like to stay in touch especially while he's away. I don't want to come across super clingy but at the same time want to be in touch enough that he still know's i'm keen. Hard to let go of the past but at least its taught me a lot about what i don't want and about what i need to do to be in a relationship that really makes me happy.

@Naimee87 🙂❤️

The puzzle comment has reminded me I could get on with my paint by numbers I started months ago and then stopped and which is now laden with junk on the kitchen table!

I don't enjoy it much but it's something to do, isn't it!

@VanGoghsDog is Mr Decorator really a no-go? He sounds like he cares a lot and is emotionally available. I read something today about compatibility not being about liking the same things and I know some of his views are not yours, is it a deal breaker or something you can get past.

I’m in a mess of my own making as I decided to look on the apps and both of my ex irons have seen and contacted me. I still haven’t spoken to my current Mr TG but I think I am doing it to emotionally detach before we have what is going to be a difficult conversation. I’m also seeking attention and I know I need to sort my head out around all of this!
Off to find a therapist I think

Hi everyone,

Thanks to everyone who's messaged this morning.

@Shayelle2009- unfortunately I live in a small village and there isn't many people who I can talk to. I've got friends though, and am a member of a couple of book clubs (readings my main hobby) so I do socialise. ❤️

I decided to take the plunge and rejoin Tinder last night, and am chatting to a potential iron currently, so... 🤞🏻🙂

@Isitreallyme777 I think Mr Cricket sounds genuinely interested in you, why don't you go for it? You have nothing to lose.

How is everyone set for this weekend? I cancelled my one date as it seemed like it was going to be a no go anyway due to my iron stressing about work so i got in there first. Keeping an eye out on the apps but no one showing any promise. Work is good, seeing friends tomorrow too too!

@Isitreallyme777 I agree with @Eesha. I think you should just go for it and see what he says. At least you'll know where you stand ❤️

is Mr Decorator really a no-go? He sounds like he cares a lot and is emotionally available. I read something today about compatibility not being about liking the same things and I know some of his views are not yours, is it a deal breaker or something you can get past.

I don't know. I come from a very left wing family and his benefit rant made me really cringe. And his "all immigrants look the same" to me is racism, and the bit he thinks it's OK to express, so probably hiding deeper racist views.
Or maybe he doesn't really think that stuff and just spouts what he reads in the papers, but that's no good either! I like a bit of critical thinking.

I did only tell him I couldn't see us in a relationship, as I said to a friend - I'd shag him but I'd have to gag him!

I'd shag him but I'd have to gag him!

Maybe that’s the way to go then

@Eesha and @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards thank you, I'm going to take it slowly as I don't want to scare him off and I'm enjoying it. He said something yesterday that got me thinking,he said people don't do dating like they used to (we're showing our age) when they would meet someone and get to know them before going into relationships and now with Tinder etc people want it all straight away (my ex is a prime example).

@Naimee87 it's the little things that touch you the most isn't it? Telling me to give my cat a cuddle from him just made me fancy him even more. I love that he sent you a picture of a pug, it means he was thinking of you.

@MayEye

I'd shag him but I'd have to gag him!

Maybe that’s the way to go then

I don't think he's up for it, he doesn't seem that way inclined to be honest.

@isitreallyme777 was it Mr Cricket that said after first date that he didn't want to date but then you saw him back on apps? If that's the case then as it wasn't you that put the brakes on anything he probably knows you're interested so I'd be reluctant to make a move personally and would expect him to push things forward if he's changed his mind. I would be careful not to be just being used as his backup though

Re meet up, I'm still happy to organise one for the SE

I have @GaraMedouar @Shayelle2009 and @WeWantTheFinestWines as other SE dwellers ... anyone else?

[quote Isitreallyme777]**@Eesha* and @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* thank you, I'm going to take it slowly as I don't want to scare him off and I'm enjoying it. He said something yesterday that got me thinking,he said people don't do dating like they used to (we're showing our age) when they would meet someone and get to know them before going into relationships and now with Tinder etc people want it all straight away (my ex is a prime example).

@Naimee87 it's the little things that touch you the most isn't it? Telling me to give my cat a cuddle from him just made me fancy him even more. I love that he sent you a picture of a pug, it means he was thinking of you.[/quote]
@Isitreallyme777 I understand that completely ❤️

I'm South east/South too @BelladiMamma

@Slothmomma he was the one who said he didn't think it was the right time to start anything right now (job up in the air, ex wife being difficult with the house sale) then sent me a screenshot of his cricket league with a tab with Tinder on, I haven't seen him on the apps. He actually told me yesterday he isn't on Tinder anymore. I know what you're saying about being his back up which is why I'm just enjoying the here and now. But he has been so kind this past week.

I can't remember if I mentioned it, but I binned off MrIT, told him the distance was too great and couldn't see things working out. Felt quite relieved as I realised I used to dread his messages popping up!

I had another video date with MrMud last night, he was as lovely as ever. We have discussed meeting up, but we seem to clash with our childfree times and he is going away for the next few weekends to visit family and friends, so it's looking unlikely that we can anytime soon. I'm a bit scared I'm falling back into another "pen pal" situation. Wish I could meet someone who I can just meet up for a drink with or for a walk in the park, I just want a regular dating relationship! Funnily enough he mentioned his last girlfriend ending things because she felt his life was too complicated with his childcare and ex issues, hmmm