Am I too needy?

[Loui98]

Hi, just need some advise please..

I’ve been seeing my partner for around 6 months now and initially, he would speak to me loads at night on the phone and message me constantly throughout the day too.

Now, we usually talk in the morning just before we start work, then maybe a couple of calls throughout the day and he will call me when he finishes work etc. But his night time calls have dropped drastically. He is always tired in the evenings, he will speak to me but not for ages and ages and says he much prefers being with me. He spends every weekend with me and prefers to spend time with me rather than just spending time on the phone for hours. Today he was tired and said ‘I feel terrible that I’m tired and can’t speak for long but I really am tired and can’t wait to see you tomorrow’ then he kind of joked saying you’re quite needy ain’t you…

So.. am I needy?

With my ex partner, he would spend hours and hours on the phone to me so I feel as though I got used to this and found it normal. But it probably wasn’t normal as there would be days where he has spoken to me for literally the whole day on the phone. I find the situation with my current partner more ‘normal’ but I fear that I have become used to the constant attention I was given from my ex partner and it has made me become a lot more needy?

Wow. That level of phone contact feels hugely excessive to me. Even when happily married we’d go all day without contact. And in every r’ship before & after that we’ve sent a ‘good morning’ text, maybe a quick text at lunch, then a few chatty texts in the eve. Me and DP (of 18months) probably phoned eachother sometimes in the v early stages but quickly got bored of being stuck to phones and making small talk about nothing when we’d got lives to lead.

Your boyfriend may have tried to sound jokey when he said you were needy but he was just trying to soften the blow, believe me!

You sound needy. That level of contact must be exhausting to maintain.

Yes you are, it sounds exhausting.

If that level of communication works for both of you, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
However, it seems as though he's struggling to keep up, and has tried to let you know that. Either you accept this, or you risk come by across as needy.

FWIW, I would feel stifled by this much txting/calling etc. And I'd run out of things to say!

Yep. With my partner now I sometimes say 'I have nothing more to say to you' 😂 not often but if we have spoken in the evening I wouldn't have anything new to talk about the next day.

Yes it's too much, leave him be in the evenings, quite understand when you've got in from work you don't always want to take calls. You already speak in the morning and through the day, that should be enough?

I'd run out of things to talk about!!

I’m confused - are you talking on the phone before work, during work, after work and then want to chat again in the evening?

I work in a school and the students I work with will do this - they say they fall asleep on a call to a friend. It doesn’t feel sustainable to me.

Yes

Funnily enough we don’t run out of things to talk about! Morning calls are just a quick good morning have a good day etc then if he calls through out the day it’s just a quick hi if he’s on lunch or has a break etc. (He is the one that usually initiates contact throughout the day). But I guess I have been needy!

@jendifer yes, but before work and during it’s usually a quick call and in the evenings we used to speak for a lot longer before but now we don’t speak as long..

Way too much.

Do you have other people you talk to? Friends? Colleagues? Family?

He shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling tired and needing time to himself. Why’s he apologising?

I live with my dp and don’t speak to him that much 😂

Who do you think makes the rules about how needy we should be?

Why don't you spend your evenings together?! This would surely make more sense than wasting all night blethering away on the phone. At least if you are actually with each other you can catch and do something else at the same time.

He has told you he prefers to talk in person and he wants to see you. So yes, I think you're expecting too much.

@AnneLovesGilbert I don’t know why he is apologising. I do have others I talk to

@Pikachusbutt because we don’t live in the same city

Yes, you do sound needy.

I couldn't deal with long phone calls like that and texting throughout the whole day.

I've been with DP 9 years and I'm a SAHM and he will text me on his break and sometimes FaceTime but I don't always have time to speak depending on what I'm doing. I might drop the odd text through out the day but I couldn't do what you do. That would be exhausting.

Been with DP nearly 3yrs, don't live together. Some days we chat loads on phone, some days just exchange texts, some days we chat on phone and text and see each other. Don't believe either of us have a set expectation of 'contact', just some days have more to say than others. I believe we'd both loathe just chatting different the sake of it.

Whew, that does sound needy. When do you find time to do anything else?

That's an awful lot of contact!

If both parties are happy with it then no harm done, but if one feels it's too much (which he maybe does) then it's a case of either compromising or accepting you aren't compatible.

But yes this frequency of contact is a hell of a lot.

Yes your very needy.

It's not sustainable so nip it in the bud now and manage your expectations before you blow this

That would be way too much contact for me, don’t you have other things to do in the evening?

I think he’s perfectly within his rights to want to cut down speaking on the phone every single night if you’re also speaking first thing as well as throughout the day!

For most people one call a day would feel a lot, this seems quite suffocating.

I couldn't keep that up. If he's tired, he needs to sleep. It would be hard to maintain that level of contact and normality in life long term.

He is the one that initiates most of the contact though. He will call me in the mornings, during work, after work etc. Unless he’s realised I am needy and feels he needs to do that to keep me happy?!