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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I too needy?

143 replies

Loui98 · 02/07/2021 22:52

Hi, just need some advise please..

I’ve been seeing my partner for around 6 months now and initially, he would speak to me loads at night on the phone and message me constantly throughout the day too.

Now, we usually talk in the morning just before we start work, then maybe a couple of calls throughout the day and he will call me when he finishes work etc. But his night time calls have dropped drastically. He is always tired in the evenings, he will speak to me but not for ages and ages and says he much prefers being with me. He spends every weekend with me and prefers to spend time with me rather than just spending time on the phone for hours. Today he was tired and said ‘I feel terrible that I’m tired and can’t speak for long but I really am tired and can’t wait to see you tomorrow’ then he kind of joked saying you’re quite needy ain’t you…

So.. am I needy?

With my ex partner, he would spend hours and hours on the phone to me so I feel as though I got used to this and found it normal. But it probably wasn’t normal as there would be days where he has spoken to me for literally the whole day on the phone. I find the situation with my current partner more ‘normal’ but I fear that I have become used to the constant attention I was given from my ex partner and it has made me become a lot more needy?

OP posts:

Original poster

Loui98 · 08/07/2021 23:37

@TheFoundations not really no. Things just don’t add up about him though. He is not abusive to me and is the most nicest person when we are together. It’s when we are apart that he acts up. When I have tried to discuss our relationship he always says it’s because we are living apart and once we are together all of our issues will be eliminated. But last week when he disappeared for the whole night after telling me he will call me in 5, he did know it upset me but he’s done it again a week later. I need to reiterate that I don’t care if he doesn’t want to spend his evenings talking to me but I find it very rude that he tells me to call him back in 5 mins and he just disappears for the whole night and the next morning he makes a really lame excuse

OP posts:

GentlemanJay · 08/07/2021 23:40

Couldn't cope with anywhere that level of contact. It works for some people though.

GentlemanJay · 08/07/2021 23:44

So with your ex partner the constant communication didn't work, because he's now your ex?

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 23:45

Things just don’t add up about him though

Do you think people in healthy relationships say this about each other?

Original poster

Loui98 · 08/07/2021 23:50

@GentlemanJay my ex partner did what I now believe to be ‘love bombing’. He was constantly on my case from the moment he woke up (5am) to the moment he went to bed. I’m not even exaggerating. He would see me, for example, then call me for his entire drive home too!! But our relationship did not end due to the level of communication, but due to other things.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loui98 · 08/07/2021 23:51

@TheFoundations probably not no. It’s clear you think I am in a very unhealthy relationship but I don’t know if my judgment of him is erred or if I’m right to feel the way that I do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loui98 · 08/07/2021 23:58

What pisses me off is that if I don’t reply to his good morning text within a specific timeframe (he knows my morning routine so knows when I’m up) he sends me a whole load of messages saying ‘you can’t still be sleeping’ ‘where you gone’ etc and sends me voice notes asking where I am, sometimes sends me a video saying have I done something that you’re ignoring me lol so he knows exactly how it feels. But him saying I’ll call you in 5 and then disappearing for the whole night is okay? And me not replying to a morning text for a bit sends him in panic mode! So if he knows how it feels why on Earth do it to me

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 00:00

[quote Loui98]@TheFoundations probably not no. It’s clear you think I am in a very unhealthy relationship but I don’t know if my judgment of him is erred or if I’m right to feel the way that I do.[/quote]
You are always right to feel the way you do. Your feelings are 100% right for you.

If he is a nasty evil pile of poo, or is he's lovely and you are wildly insecure, this is still an unhealthy relationship that you need to leave.

If it's the 'he is lovely' option, then the two of you are incompatible. A person who is good for you won't trigger these doubtful feelings in you.

You don't do relationships by trying to fit your feelings to what other people need. You do relationships by finding people who fit what your feelings need. Do you see the difference?

You be you. You proceed with your feelings, and you respect your feelings. Anybody who makes bad feelings in you (like this guy), leave them behind to make room for people who treat you in a way that feels loved, listened to, and understood.

If you don't respect your feelings, you will simply meet other people with the same mindset: Your feelings are not important.

Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 00:22

Before I posted this evening, I was thinking of at the very least having a break from him as I’ve not liked the way he’s made me feel over the past couple of weeks. He is supposed to be seeing me this weekend and is very excited to watch the game with me but im not sure how to tell him. He has a couple of his things at my house anyway so I can call him over and tell him but I really don’t know how he will react

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 00:32

Glad to hear that you're reconsidering the relationship.

You can just tell him you don't like the way you feel in the relationship lately. If you avoid focusing on his behaviours, and focus on how you've been feeling, he can't argue with you. He can't say 'No, you actually don't feel like that.'

If you're not sure how he'll react, tell him in public. Take his bits and pieces with you and leave them with him. Meet in a cafe or something. Somewhere you'll feel safe if he makes a scene, and, in fact, will encourage him not to make a scene in the first place.

He's making you feel like crap and it's really good that you want to pull back from him. If you can do that in this, and any future relationships, you're winning at boundaries. It'll change your life to stop thinking 'Am I wrong to feel like this?' and just think 'I do feel like this.' There's no rulebook, so there can't be a right and a wrong. Everybody just has to be themselves, and find people to be with who are compatible.

Snugglybuggly · 09/07/2021 00:52

@Loui98

Hi, just need some advise please..

I’ve been seeing my partner for around 6 months now and initially, he would speak to me loads at night on the phone and message me constantly throughout the day too.

So.. am I needy?

Are you needy... yes! Sounds exhausting

Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 00:53

@TheFoundations good idea about focussing on how I feel. I have broken up with him once before and he did cause a bit of a scene in public… I had already broken up with him but had gone to give him his stuff and he was loudly shouting telling me to go away and he can’t look at me and why am I making it hard for him why don’t I just go etc but the way he was driving prior to getting out of the car made me concerned so I just wanted to see he was okay but he made a scene. (There were also a whole load of beer cans in his car which he insisted he hadn’t drunk before driving) But if i meet him in public and tell him how it’s making me feel, he might react better

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 01:03

If that's the case I'd tell him on the phone. Same tactic, talk about your feelings not his actions, but don't meet him. What you've detailed above is him abusing you, and then you being concerned about his welfare than your own.

You need to protect yourself from a similar abusive incident happening again. Phone him or text him to tell him it's over. Don't engage in conversation.

Don't put yourself in the path of people who behave this way. Drunk driver who takes no responsibility for the relationship failure, and acts the victim when his partner leaves him due to his own poor behaviour. Stay away from this toxicity.

Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 01:10

I’m not going to communicate with him tomorrow as he will be full of excuses but on Saturday I will call him and tell him. He has previously told me that if I ever leave him not to feel as though it’s my fault if he spirals out of control so I know he will say all of this again to guilt trip me. He will want his stuff back too so I will have to leave it outside for him

OP posts:

PerveenMistry · 09/07/2021 01:17

I would run for the hills from anyone who expected that level of enmeshment.

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 01:21

YES YES YES, leave his stuff outside. Don't see him. Wow, he's quite something, isn't he. Fully knows that he's not in control of himself, and gallant enough to reassure you that you needn't blame yourself. What a reassuring guy. I bet it made you feel on top of the world when he said that. Can you imagine William saying that to Kate?! (not that I'm a royalist, but they do seem to have a very respectful relationship)

Actually, the William and Kate test is quite a good one.

How will he guilt trip you with an 'it's not your fault' mechanism? I don't get that.

Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 01:27

He will say things like ‘aren’t I allowed to be tired, you’re just overthinking, I went to bed’ etc etc he will turn everything around and say it’s me being needy and that’s he’s told me a million times he wants to move in with me and so it’s my fault that this has happened as I’ve not let him move In yet. I can guarantee this will be the convo

OP posts:

Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 01:29

Basically, he will turn everything around to make this all about him not being available when he told me to call him back in five minutes and from that conclude that I am needy. When it’s more about how I’ve been feeling over the last few weeks

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 01:32

Well, there's no point arguing with his narrative, because it's fiction, and if he can create that pile of nonsense, arguing will just make him create more.

'This conversation is making me feel bad, so I'm going to put the phone down.'

Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 01:36

Great thanks for the advice. I will use it all when I call him!

OP posts:

ExhaustedFlamingo · 09/07/2021 03:56

I don't understand this thread at all.

OP has gone from saying she's happy with him and has just signed the lease on a flat for them to move in together to saying that she was thinking of breaking up with him for a while anyway.

I'm not sure exactly what's going on here or what the real truth is but it all sounds exhausting and very unnecessary.

1forAll74 · 09/07/2021 04:38

I would say it's being needy. wanting ,and waiting for texts and phone calls all the time. Some people need a bit of peace and quiet at times.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 09/07/2021 06:50

Before anyone says it’s too early to move in, please don’t.

Did he push you to move in with him? Did you actually want to?

I AM going to say it's too soon because it is. I'm also going to say never would be too soon to move in with him as he sounds like a total head case.

GentlemanJay · 09/07/2021 08:22

[quote Loui98]@GentlemanJay my ex partner did what I now believe to be ‘love bombing’. He was constantly on my case from the moment he woke up (5am) to the moment he went to bed. I’m not even exaggerating. He would see me, for example, then call me for his entire drive home too!! But our relationship did not end due to the level of communication, but due to other things.[/quote]
I had a female friend. She was the most grounded and savvy women I've met when it comes to dating.

She was love bombed by a guy last year. She did so many things that were completely out of character for her. She fell out with her family over it. They were very close. They lived in the same house, so saw it happening. It turned her life upside down and wrecked it. It left her in a mess.

The constant need to be on the phone to each other was just not normal. She was acting like a teenager. Stuck in her bedroom chatting for hours.

There were so many red flags but she didn't see any of them. There seems to be a common thread on these forums. People stop following their gut instincts and ignore red flags.

The relationship lasted a couple of months. She called him Mr Liverpool when she met him. When they split she had renamed him Mr Toxic.

GentlemanJay · 09/07/2021 08:27

I've read the latest comments. This guy is just not normal. You need to get as far away from him as you can and soon, before things get worse.

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