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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I too needy?

143 replies

Loui98 · 02/07/2021 22:52

Hi, just need some advise please..

I’ve been seeing my partner for around 6 months now and initially, he would speak to me loads at night on the phone and message me constantly throughout the day too.

Now, we usually talk in the morning just before we start work, then maybe a couple of calls throughout the day and he will call me when he finishes work etc. But his night time calls have dropped drastically. He is always tired in the evenings, he will speak to me but not for ages and ages and says he much prefers being with me. He spends every weekend with me and prefers to spend time with me rather than just spending time on the phone for hours. Today he was tired and said ‘I feel terrible that I’m tired and can’t speak for long but I really am tired and can’t wait to see you tomorrow’ then he kind of joked saying you’re quite needy ain’t you…

So.. am I needy?

With my ex partner, he would spend hours and hours on the phone to me so I feel as though I got used to this and found it normal. But it probably wasn’t normal as there would be days where he has spoken to me for literally the whole day on the phone. I find the situation with my current partner more ‘normal’ but I fear that I have become used to the constant attention I was given from my ex partner and it has made me become a lot more needy?

OP posts:
Febo24 · 03/07/2021 08:31

Then you definitely need to talk to each other about how it'll work for both of you.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 03/07/2021 08:32

I think that maybe the early days of your r'ship have created an expectation (in his mind) that that's what 'has' to happen every night. He may feel the every night phone calls a bit stifling but thinks that you want/ need that and so feels as if he should even when he's maybe not naturally that much of a phone person.

I have been in this situation and it can become unhealthy if it carries on. Things need to be fluid with (other than the basic rules anyone would expect in a r'ship) no expectations on levels of contact simply because one of you needs or wants it.

To stop it becoming a bigger deal than it has already I would say something along the line later of

I love our chats in the evenings but I don't want you to feel we have to chat every night. Whether you are tired or simply don't fancy a conversation sometimes it's totally fine. We both have our own lives anyway.

That way, he doesn't feel and you don't feel like you have to say 'call you later' . You can just say bye and chat- or not chat later on.

I do think that your previous r'ship was one with v high levels of contact so this probably feels normal to you.

Either way. Expectations on someone can lead them to resent the other person. It sounds like a lovely r'ship with potential so try and make things more fluid.

Also can you have something else to do in the evenings that are fun from time to time. Talking to him is always going to seem more exciting than housework. There being a few times when you aren't available to chat could also be good for the r'ship. Not in a game playing way- it just shows that you are not needy and are t always there hanging on the end of the phone.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 08:33

I read your update and it sounds like he's the needy one and everything needs to be on his terms.
He's calling you constantly and messaging when you're busy then hounds you if you don't respond?

Have you ever said "sorry I'm busy this evening, I'll speak to you tomorrow"?

Lovelydiscusfish · 03/07/2021 08:38

I hate the word “needy” - you are human, of course you have needs! You haven’t been “needy” in a bad way because it sounds like you were both initiating the calls and enjoying them.

But the longer you have been with someone, you settle more into a real life workable routine, and probably the amount of phone time just started seeming unsustainable to him with other commitments. But I don’t think he’s saying he doesn’t want to talk to you! Just not for quite so long.

Are you much of a texter? (And is he?) My fella and I literally never speak on the phone - we both hate it - but when not together we do text an amount that I’m sure would seem excessive to normal people! We text throughout the day (probably every hour or so) but then usually more frequently in the evenings, if neither of us is out with other people etc. Texting is easier because it’s not such a full on commitment of time - one of you can break off to have dinner or get stuff done and just pick up where you left off in a bit; also you can be watching TV or listening to music or texting other people or numerous other things at the same time.

I like it because it gives me reassurance and stops my evenings feeling lonely (which they otherwise would a bit at times) and I enjoy the debate/flirtation/banter, but it doesn’t eat into my evening or prevent me doing other things……

Original poster
Loui98 · 03/07/2021 08:40

@girlmom21 no I’ve never said that to him. I did initially think he was the needy one as there were times at the start of our relationship where I wouldn’t respond to him for a few hours and I’d return to messages of him panicking and asking where I am etc. He doesn’t do this anymore though as we spoke about it and I can not message him for ages he doesn’t panic anymore but will just say ‘I miss you’ if he cannot get hold of me.

We are probably both needy !

OP posts:
Lottielovescake · 03/07/2021 08:42

What!!! Shock Way too needy! I’m very happily married and wouldn’t call my husband throughout the day at work - only occasionally if I need to tell him something. We don’t just sit and chat on the phone all day! Sounds suffocating.

Original poster
Loui98 · 03/07/2021 08:43

@Lovelydiscusfish the thing is, he’s more of a ‘caller’ than a texter. We do text but sometimes instead of responding via txt he just calls me

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 03/07/2021 08:44

Ha! Inspired by my last post, I decided to count up the number of messages exchanged between my fella and I yesterday - it was 183! That’s genuinely shocking! Never worry that you are needy, OP - you’re not even in the ballpark! Grin

But we also managed to fit in work; he went for a long bike ride; I had dinner and watched TV with my parents; we ate, slept etc…..

Miseryl · 03/07/2021 08:46

Is it necessary for it all to be phone calls? Cant you message instead sometimes? He might find that a bit less exhausting.

Original poster
Loui98 · 03/07/2021 08:47

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit yes maybe the initial stages of the relationship have led to him believing that he has to sustain this level of contact. I will definitely talk to him about it. I definitely do not want him feeling as though he has to talk to me in the evenings when he is tired etc!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loui98 · 03/07/2021 08:50

@Lovelydiscusfish Grin haha that is quite a lot!

OP posts:
whoisit12 · 03/07/2021 08:50

Morning calls and calls throughout my day would drive me bonkers! I'd be happy with a text or two through the day then a quickish call at night - I think your current level of contact is insane already

TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 09:19

Have you any thoughts on why you might like having such a lot of contact, OP? What happens to you if, for example, he's in an area with no reception for ages? Or if he lost his phone or dropped it in the bath? Would you go bananas or shrug it off?

There's no such thing as needy. If someone feels you're too needy (or too sensitive or too interested in the tennis or too anything), what they're saying is 'You're too x for my liking'. It's their opinion on how you should be, and it's not based on anything objective. Unless their opinion of you is more important to you than your own opinion of you (which would be indicative of a wider problem), then really, all you need to look at is whether you think you are too needy. If you do, you can change it. If you don't, but your partner does, then you're looking at potential incompatibility. But that wouldn't mean you're 'doing it wrong'. Everybody's different. There is no 'correct' level of neediness. The trick is to be happy with yourself, and make sure you're spending time with people who don't make you feel like being yourself is making their lives difficult.

Original poster
Loui98 · 03/07/2021 09:21

@TheFoundations I would probably go bananas if I’m being completely honest

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 09:26

And are you ok with that? Do you yourself feel that it's reasonable, or do you wish you could have given a different answer?

Have you got any idea why you'd go bananas? Would you be making assumptions like 'Oh my god he's been run over!!' or 'Oh my god he's gone off me!!' or 'Oh my god he must be in bed with his ex!!', or something?

Of course, if you're perfectly happy being as you are, there's no nee to question yourself. But I suspect you'd rather be less dependent on the constant contact?

Original poster
Loui98 · 03/07/2021 09:28

I’m prepared to being flamed for this… but…
A couple of weeks ago, his ex gf tried to contact him through SM. He immediately told me that she’d been in contact and he blocked her. Then, she contacted his old boss trying to get hold of him! The boss and my partner are still in contact & he told him and again, he told me she had been trying to get hold of him. I told him that maybe you should just message her but he was adamant he didn’t want any contact, she was in the past, he’s happy now etc and sees no need for contact. He then told me if you’re so bothered about her, you can message her telling her you’re my gf and to leave us alone! I did message her but was being nice and that was that. My partner didn’t seem bothered, wasn’t interested in what she’d said etc and just left it at that

Now, in my head I’ve seen his drop in evening contact as something to do with her. I have unfortunately messaged him a few times saying oh hope youre not talking to her that’s why you’re too busy to talk to me Blush and he’s always reassured me saying a) if I wanted to talk to her why on Earth would I tell you she’d been in contact and b) why would I get you to message her…

His drop in evening contact hasn’t been since she’d messaged btw but it was prior to that.
I know I’m probably annoying him by bringing up the ex and I don’t want to ruin our relationship either. But I can’t help correlate the two!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loui98 · 03/07/2021 09:30

@TheFoundations id probably think omg he’s in bed with someone else or something along them lines! I would like to be less dependant and stop having such thoughts… I haven’t really thought about my behaviour much tbh until he jokingly said I’m needy

OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 03/07/2021 09:31

Your relationship is unhealthy AF sorry!
You've both got excessive insecurities and anxious attachment behaviour. This is not normal or healthy.

Chloemol · 03/07/2021 09:42

Yes you are needy it’s not normal

TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 09:43

Whether you are right or wrong not to trust him, a relationship without trust isn't good for either party.

Have you been cheated on in the past? You seem to have alarm bells ringing, and when this happens, couples should be able to talk things through until they feel better.

I know I’m probably annoying him by bringing up the ex and I don’t want to ruin our relationship either

This is unhealthy. You are trying to squash your anxieties down by, essentially, keeping an eye on him constantly. How else could you deal with the anxieties?

Coming to a forum to ask for other people's opinions of you is a plea for validation, as is your need for constant contact with your partner. With validation issues, I'd be looking at childhood. Were you listened to as a kid? Did your parents respect your feelings, or brush them over? If you were upset, was there always something more important going on? Did your parents respect each others feelings?

More big questions. I just think there's a lot more going on here than 'My boyfriend told me I'm needy.'

AllyBama · 03/07/2021 09:45

Oh wow… yeah. To answer your OP, yes very needy. But there’s a lot more to unpack with your follow up posts. Honestly none of it sounds healthy - are you actually happy? You know that’s not normal right? Decent guys don’t suggest for you to message their ex’s. That’s a massive red flag. And then you went and did it, super odd, im not sure what you were hoping to gain there. Sorry if it’s already been answered but can I ask how old you both are?

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 09:46

Yeah you've just gone straight back to being the unreasonable one. If he's not talking to you every second of the day he must be talking to the ex he's been really honest and open about? Come on...

You're both incredibly insecure and untrusting and it's really unhealthy.

Maydaybankholiday · 03/07/2021 09:48

You are making this man the most important part of your life after only 6 months!! I find daily contact too much at this stage, you are still just getting to know one another!!

Deedee121 · 03/07/2021 09:48

Daily morning phone calls would tip me over the edge! It would be way too much communication for me

TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 09:49

@Chloemol

Yes you are needy it’s not normal
Where are the rules about how needy someone should be?

Feelings are there for a reason. OP has warning bells ringing, and whether she's right to be worried or not, the feelings are important because she won't feel ok until they are dealt with.

'Normal' isn't a thing. People feel stuff for reasons, and the reasons need investigating. 'Normal' is a comparison with what everybody else does. It's irrelevant. People can be happy with who they are even when they're not like anybody else. People can be unhappy with who they are even when there's nothing unusual about them.

The point isn't to be 'normal', ie 'similar to everyone else'. The point is to know how to work with your feelings so that you can find a way not to feel rubbish.