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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I too needy?

143 replies

Loui98 · 02/07/2021 22:52

Hi, just need some advise please..

I’ve been seeing my partner for around 6 months now and initially, he would speak to me loads at night on the phone and message me constantly throughout the day too.

Now, we usually talk in the morning just before we start work, then maybe a couple of calls throughout the day and he will call me when he finishes work etc. But his night time calls have dropped drastically. He is always tired in the evenings, he will speak to me but not for ages and ages and says he much prefers being with me. He spends every weekend with me and prefers to spend time with me rather than just spending time on the phone for hours. Today he was tired and said ‘I feel terrible that I’m tired and can’t speak for long but I really am tired and can’t wait to see you tomorrow’ then he kind of joked saying you’re quite needy ain’t you…

So.. am I needy?

With my ex partner, he would spend hours and hours on the phone to me so I feel as though I got used to this and found it normal. But it probably wasn’t normal as there would be days where he has spoken to me for literally the whole day on the phone. I find the situation with my current partner more ‘normal’ but I fear that I have become used to the constant attention I was given from my ex partner and it has made me become a lot more needy?

OP posts:

Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 08:53

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep he is the one that has been pestering me for ages for us to move in together! He says things like you know how happy I make you when we are together in person so it doesn’t make sense us living apart

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Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 08:54

Erm he has txt me this morning saying he ended up sleeping at a friends house as he left his keys in the office and just got his phone back. He has actually said he needs to stop being so mindless and he couldn’t stop thinking about me (BS!) and that he’s handing in his notice today.

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Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 09/07/2021 08:57

Don't move in with him!!!
Seriously, put the brakes on!!

Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 08:59

@ExhaustedFlamingo I was happy (or so I thought) but I couldn’t help but feel that when he is with me, he acts perfect but then moment he gets back to his own city he seems to be dismissive of my feelings. I never go to his place as he doesn’t like it prefers my city and he treats my place like a hotel and even brings his washing for me to do for him!!! So I wasn’t sure if I was just being needy or if there was something fundamentally wrong in our relationship (which it appears to be)

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Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 09:01

I am going to ignore him today. His txt makes no sense at all. If he left keys in the office where did his phone go as he was on the phone to me saying he’s at the shop and to call him back in 5 (he actually said call me back in 3 minutes but that’s besides the point). He must think I was born yesterday. I’m going to be busy at work today anyway so I’m going to put my phone away and no doubt I’ll come back to a whole load of messages

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Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 09:01

@GentlemanJay he does seem a bit abnormal when it’s in writing

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Mamamamasaurus · 09/07/2021 09:08

I don't speak to my DH for that long. Not sure about 'needy' but that's a LOT of contact IMO

Bouledeneige · 09/07/2021 09:35

Way too much communication - I would really find it suffocating to have someone calling me all day and all night. And I might feel like it was a bit controlling if someone wanted to do that as it would get in the way of me maintaining my other relationships with family and friends which are incredibly important.

No one can sustain such levels of communications and have a healthy breadth of relationships and down time. So it's a way too needy from me.

MuckyPlucky · 09/07/2021 11:27

You say your previous relationship was unhealthy and abusive? This one is too. Or at the very least it’s full of red flags that it’s heading that way. Do you think you’ve lost sight of what it is to have healthy relationship dynamics?

MuckyPlucky · 09/07/2021 11:30

Ps: your BF sounds like he has an insecure ambivalent attachment style, and/or possibly EUPD. To react so badly when you previously tried to end it lends itself to this theory. It sounds like he needs to pin you down for his own peace of mind, yet enjoy the freedom of being able to pick you up and drop you in terms of comms to suit his current mood. He's wrecking your head. Do NOT move in with this man. He will at best be disrespectful/cavalier about your feelings, and at worst be controlling and emotionally unstable.
If you commit to living together and he gives up his job to be with you, he’ll feel you ‘owe’ him, and it’ll make the inevitable breaking-up almost impossible for you.

Please, please, please do NOT move in with him.

MuckyPlucky · 09/07/2021 11:31

Also: look into doing the Freedom Programme.

Netflxio · 09/07/2021 11:39

You both sound incompatible. Not sure why you're putting yourself through it. You deserve better.

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 11:42

I was happy (or so I thought) but I couldn’t help but feel that when he is with me, he acts perfect but then moment he gets back to his own city he seems to be dismissive of my feelings

Have a think about why this is. Have a look at your internal mechanisms and processes. Presumably you never thought 'What would make me really happy in my life would be a partner who treats me great when we're together, and then dismisses my feelings when we're apart.'

The feeling that you got when he dismissed you: that was the 'red flag' feeling. People think that red flags lie in other people's behaviour, but red flags are things that you feel. Making this distinction and recognising what your own 'red flag' feeling feels like (and how your 'red flag' thoughts maifest themselves) is the very simple key to having strong personal boundaries.

Livpool · 09/07/2021 11:43

That would be too much for me - when I was dating DH we used to text a lot but rarely talk. I liked to save things to talk about when I saw him

CandidaAlbicans2 · 09/07/2021 13:02

The more you talk about him the worse he sounds 😳
What are you going to do about renting the place together? You said you've signed the paperwork(?)

Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 13:04

@MuckyPlucky he seemed so different to my ex & was the complete opposite of him so I just didn’t ever consider that he too could be abusive. He didn’t give me any reasons to be concerned initially.

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Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 13:05

He is messaging me all day saying he will make it up to me on the weekend that he’s sorry etc. I haven’t responded yet but I’m not going to until tomorrow when I tell him not to come

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Original poster

Loui98 · 09/07/2021 14:00

@CandidaAlbicans2 I don’t know what I’m going to do!! Before we signed he was actually being great but Ive noticed that a week after we signed this is when he’s started to play up. It’s all gone downhill quite quickly (although looking bad now there were red flags from the start which I must have overlooked). He has been texting me today saying he wish he could move in today and that his company over there is bad.
Looks like he is making the most of his free time in his city before he moves in, except, he won’t be moving in anymore

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