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Original poster

Am I too needy?

143 replies

Loui98 · 02/07/2021 22:52

Hi, just need some advise please..

I’ve been seeing my partner for around 6 months now and initially, he would speak to me loads at night on the phone and message me constantly throughout the day too.

Now, we usually talk in the morning just before we start work, then maybe a couple of calls throughout the day and he will call me when he finishes work etc. But his night time calls have dropped drastically. He is always tired in the evenings, he will speak to me but not for ages and ages and says he much prefers being with me. He spends every weekend with me and prefers to spend time with me rather than just spending time on the phone for hours. Today he was tired and said ‘I feel terrible that I’m tired and can’t speak for long but I really am tired and can’t wait to see you tomorrow’ then he kind of joked saying you’re quite needy ain’t you…

So.. am I needy?

With my ex partner, he would spend hours and hours on the phone to me so I feel as though I got used to this and found it normal. But it probably wasn’t normal as there would be days where he has spoken to me for literally the whole day on the phone. I find the situation with my current partner more ‘normal’ but I fear that I have become used to the constant attention I was given from my ex partner and it has made me become a lot more needy?

OP posts:

LawnFever · 03/07/2021 06:49

Just because he’s initiated the contact to start with, I think it’s fine for him now to suggest it’s not sustainable long term, if you’re in touch all day you don’t need to talk to him every single evening as well.

redtshirt50 · 03/07/2021 06:59

Several calls a day?

I would find that way too much

anunexaminedlife · 03/07/2021 07:00

Oh, daily long phone calls with the same person every day for months on end sounds like some sort of nightmare black mirror episode to me 😱

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 03/07/2021 07:07

I don't know if he's calling you several times a day - how is he calling you needy? Seems like you've both been into this excessive contact. However he wants to dial it back now which is perfectly fine.
For comparison- my boyfriend texts me every morning and we have a little text chat. We usually text once or twice during the day if something happens that is worth talking about and that's it. The level of contact you're talking about would be oppressive for me but I don't think it's fair of him to call you needy when he's participated in that just as much.

pilates · 03/07/2021 07:13

Yes you do I’m afraid. That would annoy me immensely.

Odile13 · 03/07/2021 07:15

I wouldn’t necessarily say ‘needy’ but it sounds like way too much contact to me. What is there to say all day long? I would wonder if you feel like you want to talk to him all day so you know where he is and what he’s doing. Could there be an element of that to it? That might not be the healthiest thing for you. Hope you find a good resolution OP.

ohthatbloodycat · 03/07/2021 07:19

Yes, much too needy and annoying. This would drive me crazy and drive me away! Why does excessive phone contact = better relationship to you? Haven't you other things in your life to do?
Of course relationships usually start off this way, but in my experience it cannot be sustained. Just as well really!

Melitza · 03/07/2021 07:20

There's only 2 people I have regular and lengthy calls with.
My elderly parents.
And I find it draining.

Original poster

Loui98 · 03/07/2021 07:26

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep yes that’s exactly the thing, he has participated in ‘excessive’ contact and at times if I don’t reply for a couple of hours, he will message me saying ‘I miss you’ even if we’ve just spoke a couple of hours ago.

Whilst he may not be able to sustain the level of contact we had before, the only time I call him, is in the evenings, it’s not like I am constantly bugging him all day long and I do call him in the evening even if we’ve spoke during the day & that’s because I can talk properly rather than talk whilst I’m busy/about to work/at work etc

But yeah! Think I will stop calling him in the evenings now!

OP posts:

LawnFever · 03/07/2021 07:32

[quote Loui98]@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep yes that’s exactly the thing, he has participated in ‘excessive’ contact and at times if I don’t reply for a couple of hours, he will message me saying ‘I miss you’ even if we’ve just spoke a couple of hours ago.

But yeah! Think I will stop calling him in the evenings now![/quote]
Ok, in this case you could say to him that you’d rather speak in the evenings because you can talk properly, rather than him calling you all day - there’s a compromise to be had, but it doesn’t have to be every single evening for hours on end.

You’re within your rights to have an equal say if talking during the day doesn’t work for you long term because of work etc that’s fine too, but the overall level of constant communication is too much.

Tinacollada · 03/07/2021 07:37

It's definitely not normal to want or need that level of contact.

Original poster

Loui98 · 03/07/2021 07:40

@LawnFever yes, I think we definitely need to reach a compromise and cut down the overall level of contact

OP posts:

Polkadots2021 · 03/07/2021 07:42

Don't spend all those hours on the phone - it's too much too soon & he's already commenting on it, getting knackered to try to keep the phone hours up when there's no need for such long calls. It's definitely needy (not criticising, just saying!-it makes clear you need constant contact & gives the impression you don't have anything else going on, a bit like he's a lifeline. And I'm sure that's not the case). Save it for when you meet!

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 07:45

You speak way more than me and DP and we live together.

He went away yesterday and I'm 8 months pregnant and have a poorly toddler at home and we've only texted back and forth twice and had one phone call so he could say goodnight to DC. I think you're overly needy - massively.

Jonjojobs123 · 03/07/2021 07:47

It seems slightly bonkers on the evenings you've not arranged to see each other you would instead just spend it on the phone. I get at the very beginning of a relationship you end up chatting for hours but agree with everyone else that's definitely not sustainable and so it shouldn't be. You both need time to yourselves to do your own thing and have your own space. X

legosnowqueen · 03/07/2021 07:50

I'd suggest evening calls instead of the daytime calls if you're both at work during the day, taking lots of personal calls would be seen as unprofessional where I work...

TreeDice · 03/07/2021 07:51

Yes that seems excessive.

Do you work? Have hobbies? Maybe it's time to focus on your life rather than waiting for a man to call. I find if I'm busy doing my own thing, the time passes and I would actually struggle to fit that many calls in.

Good luck!

daisypond · 03/07/2021 07:59

Think I will stop calling him in the evenings now!

That seems illogical. The phone calls are very excessive, but the calls to cut out are the ones in the daytime. Nothing wrong with calls in the evening when you have more time, but not for hours on end, and not every evening. Surely you both must have other friends to see, hobbies to do, or even housework to catch up on in the evenings.

Febo24 · 03/07/2021 08:04

You actually sound like you have an anxious attachment style, and hopefully he's not avoidant but he's trying to let you know it's a lot for him and that's making you anxious.

You need to talk about it when you are in person, what you need to feel secure and what he needs too.

FWIW my job is meeting after meeting all day so the idea of then being on the phone every night would fill me with dread.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 03/07/2021 08:06

@Febo24

You actually sound like you have an anxious attachment style, and hopefully he's not avoidant but he's trying to let you know it's a lot for him and that's making you anxious.

You need to talk about it when you are in person, what you need to feel secure and what he needs too.

FWIW my job is meeting after meeting all day so the idea of then being on the phone every night would fill me with dread.

Since he's been participating in this for 6 months he cannot possibly be avoidant. An avoidant would have run after a couple of days!

Original poster

Loui98 · 03/07/2021 08:11

I do work and I catch up on my housework every night as well as on the mornings of the weekend. It’s not a case of me sitting around & awaiting his calls! As I said, he is the one that calls me during the day. It’s easier for him to talk to me during the day but my job makes it more difficult. I will be more conscious of all the time we are spending on the phone as it does seem it’s unsustainable & maybe he is feeling a bit exhausted!

OP posts:

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 03/07/2021 08:13

It seems he just does not want to speak too long in the evening. You do not have to stop calling him, you just need to make it short and don't feel upset about this. He manages to keep such level of contact for 6 months and I applaud him for that.

Original poster

Loui98 · 03/07/2021 08:15

@Febo24 that could be the case but he is the one that is constantly messaging and calling me throughout the day! I only call him in the evenings because during the day I cannot talk properly so I’ll cut it short and tell him I’ll speak to him later. I have never randomly called him during the day but he does it to me all the time. And If I DONT call him in the evenings he messages me. So his remark about me being needy does seem a bit unfair as I am actually only calling him during the evenings!

OP posts:

LCDIT · 03/07/2021 08:17

This sounds to me like something I used to do when I was a lot younger in more of a long distance relationship. If I'm honest this does sound needy. I really think you need to occupy yourself and not rely on this amount of contact over the phone. I have found some men love phone chatting and some men are just not into it. Each relationship is different so i wouldn't take this personally.

Robin233 · 03/07/2021 08:28

It does sound a bit like it's mostly on his terms.
He rings you when you're busy - during the day because it's convenient for him ( not you ).
But when you're free - in the evenings, when it's convenient for you , he's tired ( fair enough , my dh is fast asleep straight after tea) so it's inconvenient for him , and shuts you down - with a needy comment.
No you're not needy, but you need to put in some 'boundaries'.
Tell him sorry you're too busy to talk in the day, which you are.
Then if he misses you he'll manage to stay awake in the evenings and have a decent conversation when you can relax and enjoy the conversation.
Why does he have to ring you when you're busy at work?
What Job even allows that?
He sounds needy to be honest not you.

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