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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I too needy?

143 replies

Loui98 · 02/07/2021 22:52

Hi, just need some advise please..

I’ve been seeing my partner for around 6 months now and initially, he would speak to me loads at night on the phone and message me constantly throughout the day too.

Now, we usually talk in the morning just before we start work, then maybe a couple of calls throughout the day and he will call me when he finishes work etc. But his night time calls have dropped drastically. He is always tired in the evenings, he will speak to me but not for ages and ages and says he much prefers being with me. He spends every weekend with me and prefers to spend time with me rather than just spending time on the phone for hours. Today he was tired and said ‘I feel terrible that I’m tired and can’t speak for long but I really am tired and can’t wait to see you tomorrow’ then he kind of joked saying you’re quite needy ain’t you…

So.. am I needy?

With my ex partner, he would spend hours and hours on the phone to me so I feel as though I got used to this and found it normal. But it probably wasn’t normal as there would be days where he has spoken to me for literally the whole day on the phone. I find the situation with my current partner more ‘normal’ but I fear that I have become used to the constant attention I was given from my ex partner and it has made me become a lot more needy?

OP posts:

Original poster

Loui98 · 03/07/2021 09:49

@AllyBama we are in our 20s. Yes I am happy with him..

OP posts:

Original poster

Loui98 · 03/07/2021 09:51

@TheFoundations no I wasn’t really listened to as a kid. I know that neglect is not the right word, but I’ve never had a healthy relationship with my mother or father

OP posts:

singlehun · 03/07/2021 09:52

I'm not sure this is a healthy relationship for you. Maybe either of you.

Why did you suggest he message the ex when he'd made it clear he didn't want to contact her? It sounds to me like that was a little test to see if he'd take your suggestion as a green light and thus prove your fears.

Is there any chance she has some news he needs to know? Baby, STI... something like that? It seems strange shed go to such lengths to contact him.

There are a lot of red flags here. Many of them nothing to do with him parring down evening phone time.

I think you might need to be on your own for a bit sweetheart

Original poster

Loui98 · 03/07/2021 10:00

@singlehun no there is no news he needed to know about. I just suggested that as I thought why is she going to lengths to contact him, who will she contact next etc…

OP posts:

singlehun · 03/07/2021 10:13

[quote Loui98]@singlehun no there is no news he needed to know about. I just suggested that as I thought why is she going to lengths to contact him, who will she contact next etc…[/quote]
Well that's something at least!

Have you read up about different attachment styles? I used to be like you (many years ago when dinosaurs roamed the Earth) and found it quite enlightening

category12 · 03/07/2021 10:14

Friends of mine who were long-distance used to have a video link open pretty much all the time they were home, so they'd be chatting to each other while getting on with things.

The thing about the drop in evening calls coinciding with an ex girlfriend getting in touch would worry me.

Original poster

Loui98 · 03/07/2021 10:24

@category12 his drop in evening calls was before his ex gf got in touch but yes, it did worry me. My gut tells me that he would never do anything stupid though and I do get his point that if he had any bad intentions he wouldn’t have told me she’d been in touch and just sneakily spoke to her. I’m glad to know that it’s not just be overthinking and others would also worry about this!

OP posts:

Original poster

Loui98 · 03/07/2021 10:25

@singlehun I’ve not read up on the different attachment styles. Think I’ll enlighten myself! Thanks!

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/07/2021 11:15

[quote Loui98]@AllyBama we are in our 20s. Yes I am happy with him..[/quote]
I'm not sure you are really. If he doesnt reply in a timeframe you are comfortable with, your gut reaction is that he's speaking to an ex / in bed with someone else (as you just put it) and there's already angst about a particular ex - who you contacted to tell her to back off instead of leaving it with him. I know you said he said it was fine for you to contact her but think about it - in a healthy, happy relationship you would trust your partner to deal with it (continuing to ignore her / telling her himself to back off) rather than getting involved yourself.

It really sounds like an unhealthy relationship with huge potential for codependency from an outsiders POV.

AllyBama · 03/07/2021 15:01

If this is you happy in a relationship then I feel a bit sorry for you, in the nicest way possible.
Healthy relationships are supposed to lift you up, sustain you, make you want to be the best version of yourself, feel content. It sounds like all this one does is induce suspicion and anxiety. Do you even trust him? You can’t if you’re imaging him with his ex if he doesn’t call you enough. It really sounds like you should be on your own for a little while, none of the sounds healthy.

Inthesameboatatmo · 03/07/2021 15:11

That level of contact would drive me crazy.
I don't mean this nastily, but if you need that amount from him in a day I think you should work on yourself and insecurities, you shouldn't need to be on the phone constantly to feel you are worth something to him and to feel validated.
It is not normal at all .

Sally2791 · 03/07/2021 15:14

I would find it really irritating to be expected to have that amount of phone contact. Don’t you have anything else that you want/need to do? Enjoy the time you are together and live your own life the rest of the time. If I were him I’d feel smothered!

Birminghambloke · 03/07/2021 15:27

I won’t comment on if you’re needy or not. Only you know if you feel you are. However the level of phone contact and then actual time together is really good, in my view.

topcat2014 · 03/07/2021 15:30

Well, I leave before DW wakes, and send a how are you text at lunchtime.

That suits us both fine.

Speaking to DW in the day, unless it was an urgent issue, would really put me out.

category12 · 03/07/2021 15:37

@topcat2014

Well, I leave before DW wakes, and send a how are you text at lunchtime.

That suits us both fine.

Speaking to DW in the day, unless it was an urgent issue, would really put me out.

But that's apples and oranges, isn't it? You live with your DW. OP is long distance with her boyfriend.

sadie9 · 03/07/2021 15:37

He is controlling and needy. He likes you to be available when HE wants to check on you but it's a different story when you want his attention. You'll find it suits him when things go with his style, which is you are the tap of attention, he turns that tap on or off when he wants to get as much as he wants. You happily flood him with attention.
Maybe when you turn the tap on, then you only a trickle of attention from him.

Original poster

Loui98 · 03/07/2021 15:37

@AllyBama I do actually trust him. Sometimes I overthink but when it comes down to it, I fully trust him. I have never imagined him with his ex but in the spur of the moment I did say something a bit silly but in my heart I knew I was being ridiculous!! It wasn’t my gut either telling me he is with her/speaking to her it was just a thought which I spent far too long dwelling on.

OP posts:

whichwayisup · 03/07/2021 15:38

This is off the scale excessive and very unhealthy. Why tell you about the ex girlfriend? And why on earth would he ask you to message her. This is bonkers. I know absolutely no one who spends this much time on telephone calls other than young teens. You sound extremely insecure and I'd hazard a guess that this appeals to him.

Why are you both even available for all this talk. Why aren't you out with friends or taking part in hobbies/interests or whatever.

This all consuming type of relationship just makes anxiety and insecurity worse as when it becomes clear that the relationship should end due to issues that arise, you have nothing else. This is your whole life.

I would take this moment to realise that whatever is going on in my life is disordered to quite a worrying degree. I'd make changes and start talking to a therapist.

And he's not your partner. You are partners in nothing... You have no assets and no shared children. He is your boyfriend.

TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 17:17

[quote Loui98]@AllyBama I do actually trust him. Sometimes I overthink but when it comes down to it, I fully trust him. I have never imagined him with his ex but in the spur of the moment I did say something a bit silly but in my heart I knew I was being ridiculous!! It wasn’t my gut either telling me he is with her/speaking to her it was just a thought which I spent far too long dwelling on.[/quote]
This is worrying. You're insistent that you're happy and you trust him, and you're continually negating your own alarm bells. So, basically, he's in the right, and you refer to yourself as overthinking, silly, ridiculous, and dwelling on things.

Your parents trained you as a child that your feelings aren't worth listening to; that they should be belittled and over ridden. Can you not see that that's a pattern you are now continuing?

People in happy relationships who trust their partner don't post on forums for validation after their partner called them needy. They don't have niggling thoughts about their partner's contact with an ex. They don't spend time worrying about the fact that their partner is less in touch lately. They don't feel that they'd go bananas if their partner didn't respond all day.

People in happy, healthy relationships barely think about any of this stuff. Healthy people walk away from relationships that make them feel this way.

Whether it's to do with your over thinking or him actually doing something wrong, there is a big problem in your relationship, and you're avoiding confronting it by calling yourself silly.

If it's not your gut having these niggling feelings, which part of you is it?

Prettybubblesintheair · 03/07/2021 21:22

In your defence, he has instigated and happily kept up this level of contact off his own back up until now so it’s very unfair of him to call you needy when it sounds as though he’s initiating contact just as much/more. But if he doesn’t call or stay on the phone long does it upset/annoy/worry you and if so do you let him know it displeases you? If so then he’s probably only giving you so much contact to keep you happy in which case yes that is needy. Personally I couldn’t stand to be on the phone on and off all day. Dh and I exchange 5-10 texts throughout the day depending on how busy we are but we rarely call unless it’s an emergency or we’re apart for the night. I can’t imagine having the time or inclination to spend hours on the phone to anyone!

Original poster

Loui98 · 08/07/2021 22:25

He rang me today after work and was on his way to the shop, he told me to call him back in five minutes, I did and he didn’t answer & I’ve not heard from him since. He did this last week too, he was getting himself some food and he said he’ll call back. He didn’t and the next morning he made some excuse that he left his phone at his dads house as he went to drop something….

I just don’t get it. Why say to call him in five minutes and then don’t answer? If he didn’t want to talk to me why on Earth would he tell me to call him back????!!! Could this be a sign of him cheating???? He is with me all weekend…. Tomorrow morning I can guarantee that he will hve some lame excuse as to why he told me to call him back and he didn’t answer and he will expect to come to mine on the weekend as usual.

FYI I don’t care if he doesn’t want to talk to me in the evening but it’s annoying when he calls me, tells me to call him back in 5 but then disappears for the night

OP posts:

Original poster

Loui98 · 08/07/2021 22:27

I don’t get it. He’s told everyone about me including his family who I met a while back and all his friends and he is making plans to move to my city to be with me very soon! But his behaviour is confusing

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 23:05

@Loui98

Have you heard the phrase 'It takes one to know one'?

He's being a disrespectful, rude partner. You could only understand how he's behaving if you were also a disrespectful, rude partner. But you're not.

Why are you continuing to be with someone who keeps pissing you off?

Original poster

Loui98 · 08/07/2021 23:20

@TheFoundations we have made a lot of plans together. And when we spend time together it’s never any drama. He says the problem is when we are apart and has been wanting to move to me for a while. It’s funny how the last couple of weeks he is really winding me up with how he is acting but we have just agreed on a place to rent together! And signed! It’s almost like he thinks he’s got me now so can behave how he wants. Before anyone says it’s too early to move in, please don’t. We have discussed this and it’s difficult him living in another city and he is the one that wants to move to me.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 23:29

It’s almost like he thinks he’s got me now so can behave how he wants

Do you think people in healthy relationships would say this about each other?

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