What is a fair division of labour if I'm a SAHM? DH thinks I should do it all

[NonShallot]

DD is two and I have been off work since she was born. This was a mutually agreed decision made for the benefit of DD, though I am going back to work soon.

Anyway I've been struggling to keep on top of things lately because DD is going through a sleep regression so I'm more tired and more inclined to have a sit down, and its made me realise that I do literally everything.

I dust, hoover, mop, clean, food shop, cook, tidy up, clothes washing/ironing/put away, maintain garden. I sort out everything to do with DD , from ensuring she is fed and clothed, to sorting out what nursery she's going to, to putting her name down for schools, she had a minor eye problem and I was the one sorting appointments for her. Walk dog, feed pets, organise vet visits and order pet food. All life admin- paying bills, sorting insurance, making appointments etc. I'm the one who suggests we go out and I am always the one booking it. I booked my own Mother's Day lunch because I knew he wouldn't remember.

DH works mon-fri 40 hours a week. He comes home, gives DD her dinner (which I will have sorted) and then does bath time and bed every night. He also does the washing up after dinner. On weekends we will usually do something together with DD or he might have her for an afternoon if I say I want some time to myself.

If we are going out I am the one sorting the change bag, ensuring we have snacks, that DD is ready etc

DD is not a great sleeper so I now sleep in the spare room and will get up in the night with her so DH can sleep on work nights (his job involves handling heavy machinery so it's important he isn't tired for safety reasons, though he will help with DD if I am desperate)

Even on weekends when he is home, he will never dust, or hoover, or put washing on. I am the one doing that whilst he is sat on his phone, or has gone for a three hour cycle. I don't think he has ever looked in the drawer and thought, hmmm bit low on baby wipes and nappies, maybe I had better pop on Amazon and order some more.

I have attempted to discuss this with him but he says as I'm not working its my 'job'. I am going back to work PT soon and as its shift work, he says that most of the responsibility for keeping the house will be down to me as he is still working FT.

He is a king caring man, we have a great time together and I do love him. He is generous with money, he does always remember birthdays and anniversaries. But I am feeling worn down by all of this.

Is this a 'fair' division of labour, as he is FT and I'm off? Should I be doing all the work? I wonder if I have made a rod for my own back because I am naturally clean and tidy, and would it myself before I would be happy to leave it for someone else to do.

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are

It’s not just about the op wanting downtime and him expecting to chill. The op has said he does nothing at the weekend, doesn’t put a wash on, doesn’t clear up, load the dishwasher, won’t do the garden because he doesn’t want to. It’s not just about looking after his child occasionally. It sounds like he goes off cycling but does nothing else as he sees housework as the op’s job. All of it.

Thing is if he wasn't married he'd have to do all his household tasks for himself.
You're a Stay At Home Parent - the parenting is your "job". That doesn't include ALL the housework for 2 adults and an infant.
Some people on this thread are chatting shit straight out of the 1950s.
Start by telling your husband, telling not asking, that you're taking time off for yourslf one evening a week and one full morning at the weekend as he does. It's simply not acceptable for one parent to leave all the domestic duties to the other.

Since when does putting your child to bed mean you get extra brownie points? Isn’t that just expected parenting?

Working full time is not arduous and doesn't mean that you can't clear up after yourself.

Well... I'm pleased your full time job is not arduous. DH works incredibly hard, earns incredibly well, and I respect and appreciate the hours he puts in in order that I can stay at home and we all have a really good quality of life. I do, in comparison, very little, by running a household of 5 as my role.

Being a SAHM (in my case to one child with SEN, and twin toddlers, which should be, on paper, significantly more laborious than OPs situation) is certainly not difficult. We have a good sized home, and it always looks lovely, but certainly not like a show home. The laundry takes little time. The dishwasher is on twice a day. Maybe an hour's housework and admin per day.

By the time DH gets home, he wants to relax. By the time he gets home, I want to relax too! And we do. Because I've done the housework! And he's done his work! I have ample time to do it, should I not, and save it up just so he's doing his "fair" share. I'm not doing my fair share of paid employment to put the roof over our heads am I? But that seems to be ok...

What are all these arduous jobs that only men seem to do which makes them exempt from doing the laundry or emptying the dishwasher?

My DH works on ITU and yet still manages to be a perfectly functioning part of our household.

Working full time is not arduous

If working full time is not arduous then surely not having a job is even way less so.

It seems OK during the week though I would expect him to do washings etc on weekends. You should just start saying I'm going for a run the washing and hoovering needs done while I'm out.

If working full time is not arduous then surely not having a job is even way less so.

OP does have a job - she's a stay at home parent.
She's not lounging about in silk pyjamas all day.

Sorry, but no she doesn't have a job. Because you are therefore implying that parents who work, then continue to work when they arrive home with their children and put a load of laundry on. Gosh, when I used to work full time, then come home and do all the things I (and OP) now do during the day, by this reckoning, I was working 100hr weeks!

What she does is necessary. But it's not a job. Looking after your own child (especially only one) running the diary and essentially tidying up is not a job. I'm a SAHM, I do not have a job. I definitely have an important role in keeping our family and household running smoothly. But many parents do exactly what I do as well as a full time job.

Anybody who pays for any childcare at all does not do what a sahp does and a full time job.

No, they don't do the childcare element. But they do every household chore that OP is complaining about on top of full-time employment, and she already doesn't do bed time, bath time, the washing up, plus being at home with your single child is different to a childminder who is being paid to care for a "random" child as a business transaction.

plus being at home with your single child is different to a childminder who is being paid to care for a "random" child as a business transaction. It's not that different.

But the fact remains that someone who looks after their own kid at home should not automatically become the slave of the person who works outside of it. As soon as they begin to feel like that, something has to change. It's not about outside arbitration it is all about feeling supported and part of a team - for both people, obviously.

@21TwinsAndTrifle

I disagree. OP is giving her child the same attention a full-time nanny would and running the house as a housekeeper would. It's unpaid but it's a job.

You pay people to drive you, to cook for you, to clean for you, to look after your child. Whether or not you call it a job when you're doing it for your own family, it is still work and takes time and effort.

If the op is like the twin mum on this thread and can get everything done in the day then of course she shouldn't leave things deliberately for him to do. But if she's human like most of us, then it is never ending and to have to do it all yourself when you have a functioning adult chilling his beans is grossly unfair.

To be fair it doesn't really matter if other people think it's fair, you're unhappy and you don't think it's a good division. That's you're prerogative and you should communicate with your dh that you need more down time
Honestly I would lower your garden standards that shits exhausting! But it's up to you, it's your house and your life. So if you're not happy make changes

@TwinsAndTrifle

No, they don't do the childcare element. But they do every household chore that OP is complaining about on top of full-time employment, and she already doesn't do bed time, bath time, the washing up, plus being at home with your single child is different to a childminder who is being paid to care for a "random" child as a business transaction.

I have more household chores because my kids are messing my house up all day and not out at daycare.

I've worked full time, part time and been SAHP with 3 kids. They're all hard. None of them are easier than the other. Working full time is not harder than being a SAHP, it just has a different set of difficulties. Being a SAHP is personally my least favourite.

@TwinsAndTrifle

Sorry, but no she doesn't have a job. Because you are therefore implying that parents who work, then continue to work when they arrive home with their children and put a load of laundry on. Gosh, when I used to work full time, then come home and do all the things I (and OP) now do during the day, by this reckoning, I was working 100hr weeks!

What she does is necessary. But it's not a job. Looking after your own child (especially only one) running the diary and essentially tidying up is not a job. I'm a SAHM, I do not have a job. I definitely have an important role in keeping our family and household running smoothly. But many parents do exactly what I do as well as a full time job.

No, I don’t. Because between 8 & 6 my kids make no mess in our house need no food prepared nappies changed etc. someone else is doing that for me. If you work full time from home with no childcare and children at home then sure, but few of us do.

@Sakurami @Oceanbliss no, it is the straw that broke the camel's back.

Yes I agree, it is the straw that broke the camels back. However, the man who wrote the article that FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye had posted earlier (and the one I was referring to), does not seem to portray it as the straw that breaks the camels back. And yes there were many things that he wrote in that article that I liked. I was just expressing a point of view on a part of the article.

Copy and paste of the article:
I understand that when I leave that glass there, it hurts her ― literally causes her pain ― because it feels to her like I just said: “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”

All of the sudden, it’s not about something as benign and meaningless as a dirty dish.
Now, it’s a meaningful act of love and sacrifice, and really? Four seconds? That doesn’t seem like the kind of thing too big to do for the person who sacrifices daily for me.

I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass.

I just have to understand and respect that she DOES

• Then, caring about her = putting the glass in the dishwasher.

• Caring about her = keeping your laundry off the floor.

• Caring about her = thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean.

• Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.

• Caring about her = “Hey babe. Is there anything I can do today or pick up on my way home that will make your day better?”

• Caring about her = a million little things that say “I love you” more than speaking the words ever can.
  Yes, It’s That Simple
  The man capable of that behavioral change ― even when he doesn’t understand her or agree with her thought-process ― can have a great relationship.

Men want to fight for their right to leave that glass there. It might look like this:
“Eat shit, wife,” we think. “I sacrifice a lot for you, and you’re going to get on me about ONE glass by the sink? THAT little bullshit glass that takes a few seconds to put in the dishwasher, which I’ll gladly do when I know I’m done with it, is so important to you that you want to give me crap about it? You want to take an otherwise peaceful evening and have an argument with me, and tell me how I’m getting something wrong and failing you, over this glass?

After all of the big things I do to make our life possible ― things I never hear a “thank you” for (and don’t ask for) ― you’re going to elevate a glass by the sink into a marriage problem? I couldn’t be THAT petty if I tried. And I need to dig my heels in on this one. If you want that glass in the dishwasher, put it in there yourself without telling me about it. Otherwise, I’ll put it away when people are coming over, or when I’m done with it. This is a bullshit fight that feels unfair and I’m not just going to bend over for you.”

She will never agree with him, because for her, it’s not ACTUALLY about the glass. The glass situation could be ANY situation in which she feels unappreciated and disrespected by her husband.
The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink.
She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. She can’t trust him. She can’t be safe with him. Thus, she must leave and find a new situation in which she can feel content and secure.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Biscuitandacuppa
I think the crux of the matter is the fact he doesn’t clear up after himself and he doesn’t value what the OP does.

I think the faked ineptitude was completely infuriating, I can remember holding up washing machine instructions and saying that I couldn’t see where it said “must only be operated by people with a vagina”.

I am far less stressed and happier being single than dealing with the minefield of misogyny in domestic life.

Love this. This sums it up for me really.

It's the bits her DH does do that make me feel like OP is taking the biscuit by suggesting she does everything.

Essentially: (let's just go with 9-5 for illustration)

OP: 9-5.... Looks after DD. Cleans house. Maybe food shop.

DH: 9-5.... Works at paid employment.

Both roles are important.

Then from 5pm both OP and DH are home for the night. This is where their individual "roles" stop and the ability for shared roles arises.

DH gives DD dinner. DH bathes DD. DH puts DD to bed. DH does washing up.

OP does not do any of this each day, when they are both at home. He does.

She doesn't reciprocate by doing an hour or so paid employment in this time, while DH takes on the hour of housework/childcare.

So, OP "works" 9-5 doing house/child roles. DH "works" 9-6.30 doing paid employment, followed by 1.5hrs of house/child roles.

At the weekends they share care of DD, or OP can go off for the afternoon to do as she likes while DH has DD. I completely don't understand this "well of course, she deserves a break, she has DD all week and DH swans in at 6pm for bed time". She has DD all week because she's not working. DH can't have DD as he has a full time job, and the minute he gets home he does 1.5hrs of childcare.

Where's DH's break from full time employment, plus the extra 1.5hrs work (it is seemingly called "work" if OP is doing it) he does each day? I am in complete agreement with PP who can't believe OP thinks she's hard done by here.

But I think it’s the fact that on the weekend, yes he will do childcare (I mean it’s his own child for goodness sake why is this something to be applauded?), but doesn’t do anything else.

The OP has said he won’t do the garden because he doesn’t want to, he won’t put a wash on or clear up. So even on the weekend when they are both at home the OP is still doing all the chores and life admin. So where is her time off?

No, I don’t. Because between 8 & 6 my kids make no mess in our house need no food prepared nappies changed etc. someone else is doing that for me.

Agreed. The difference between OP and a full time working parent, is that the FTWP does not have any child related mess to deal with when they get home, as that's all happened at a nursery. On the other hand OP doesn't need to get the child ready for nursery, pack the bag, and drop off and collect each day, whereas the FTWP does, on top of the working day.

The FTWP still needs to: do the food shop, the laundry, vacuum/dust, make dinner and breakfast, bath time, all the admin, doctors appointments, etc, financial admin. Play dates/swimming etc all have to be fitted around this and the 40hrs paid employment.

What OP sees as her job, is (bar DD being there) what a FTWP does on top of their full time job. And she also doesn't do dinner time, bath time, bed time, or the washing up.

No, I don’t. Because between 8 & 6 my kids make no mess in our house need no food prepared nappies changed etc. someone else is doing that for me.

But many FT parents give their DC breakfast in the morning, prepare a packed lunch for them to take to childcare and make dinner when they get back = same number of meals as SAHP.

FT parents do miss out on clearing up incidental mess during the day, but (if their children are like mine) their DC can make as much mess between 6pm and 6.30pm as they could if they had a full day to do it; there being a "peak mess" level it's possible to make. Plus it's very few SAHP that actually stay at home all day (OP for example mentions activities or playdates every day).

I mean it’s his own child for goodness sake why is this something to be applauded?

The difference is, this is what OP is doing as her "work" during the week. So why is it not "work" when DH does it at the weekend.

OP is doing it during the week as opposed to putting DD in a nursery (to save money? through family choice?) because DH is out working and can't.

DH is doing it at the weekend, when both parents are home, so OP can do something she enjoys.

She's not caring for DD in DH's time off work. They share that at the weekends, she says. Plus DH has DD on his own so OP can do her own thing. This is in both of their downtime. OP has DD during DH's work time. In their shared time, DH does DD dinner, bath and bed. So in shared care time, it seems DH does more than OP. He can't do it when he's not there. He seems to do quite a lot when he is.

@UserAtLarge agree 100%