What is a fair division of labour if I'm a SAHM? DH thinks I should do it all

[NonShallot]

DD is two and I have been off work since she was born. This was a mutually agreed decision made for the benefit of DD, though I am going back to work soon.

Anyway I've been struggling to keep on top of things lately because DD is going through a sleep regression so I'm more tired and more inclined to have a sit down, and its made me realise that I do literally everything.

I dust, hoover, mop, clean, food shop, cook, tidy up, clothes washing/ironing/put away, maintain garden. I sort out everything to do with DD , from ensuring she is fed and clothed, to sorting out what nursery she's going to, to putting her name down for schools, she had a minor eye problem and I was the one sorting appointments for her. Walk dog, feed pets, organise vet visits and order pet food. All life admin- paying bills, sorting insurance, making appointments etc. I'm the one who suggests we go out and I am always the one booking it. I booked my own Mother's Day lunch because I knew he wouldn't remember.

DH works mon-fri 40 hours a week. He comes home, gives DD her dinner (which I will have sorted) and then does bath time and bed every night. He also does the washing up after dinner. On weekends we will usually do something together with DD or he might have her for an afternoon if I say I want some time to myself.

If we are going out I am the one sorting the change bag, ensuring we have snacks, that DD is ready etc

DD is not a great sleeper so I now sleep in the spare room and will get up in the night with her so DH can sleep on work nights (his job involves handling heavy machinery so it's important he isn't tired for safety reasons, though he will help with DD if I am desperate)

Even on weekends when he is home, he will never dust, or hoover, or put washing on. I am the one doing that whilst he is sat on his phone, or has gone for a three hour cycle. I don't think he has ever looked in the drawer and thought, hmmm bit low on baby wipes and nappies, maybe I had better pop on Amazon and order some more.

I have attempted to discuss this with him but he says as I'm not working its my 'job'. I am going back to work PT soon and as its shift work, he says that most of the responsibility for keeping the house will be down to me as he is still working FT.

He is a king caring man, we have a great time together and I do love him. He is generous with money, he does always remember birthdays and anniversaries. But I am feeling worn down by all of this.

Is this a 'fair' division of labour, as he is FT and I'm off? Should I be doing all the work? I wonder if I have made a rod for my own back because I am naturally clean and tidy, and would it myself before I would be happy to leave it for someone else to do.

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are

If you're out working all day and your kids are at daycare, there's no people in your house making mess during the day so you've less cleaning to do... when I'm at home with the kids, while I'm cleaning one room, they're messing another. They seem to exhale crumbs everywhere, there's play doh, paint, lego everywhere etc plus constant snacks. I'm chasing my tail all day until they're in bed when I actually get the cleaning/tidying finished in the evenings. The only thing getting cleaned during the day is the extra mess that wouldn't happen if we weren't here. The big cleans like the kitchen and bathroom, and the proper floor clean/mop (hoover seems to be going all day in our house) and normal housework happens when the kids are sleeping. And I don't have high standards at all, it's basic hygiene and not wanting to stand on bastarding lego.

He's taking the fucking piss .

Do a bloody time sheet and tell him when you've done your 40 hours (PT work and home stuff) you do 50/50.

Honestly this shit boils my piss. He needs a slap.

I don't think it's fair at all OP, not only are you doing everything you are doing all the 'mental load' too.

Down tools as soon as he walks in the door.

At the weekend the only 'house work' should be cooking and washing up.

You need to start running again.

Yes he is working 40 hours but if you are still tidying at 7 or 8 pm you are working far more than that.

Why should one parent have all the fun activities with their child?

Thanks for all the replies. It does seem that this is quite a divisive topic!

For PPs asking how much housework can there be, I guess I should have mentioned we have a 3 bed/2 bath house with garden. We sleep separately (due to DD's sleep issues) so two lots of bedding to do, two bathrooms to clean (one is our en-suite which we use, one has a bath which we use for DD). The garden is my sole responsibility as DH won't do it, so I mow the lawn and do the weeding/pruning once a week to keep on top of it. I wash both our cars (fair enough this is every two months but still something else to do). I do any DIY bits and pieces as and when they need doing on top of all the 'usual' housework. The past three weeks in the evenings I have been outside clearing the block paving of weeds and moss because it was becoming overgrown- DH did not help.

I guess there is probably more general tidying up as we are home more during the day (what with covid etc) so there are more toys everywhere, more crumbs needing hoovering, more dust made.

I think PP have hit the nail on the head that its not about the amount of work, its more about the attitude to it. DH goes to work, does bath time and bed. And I mean that is literally it. If there are toys all over the lounge at the end of the day, he will just step over them to get to the sofa to sit down. If I sort out his socks and pants and put them on the bed for him to put away, he will just move them to the dresser until there is a clothes mountain. He will make himself breakfast and go to work, leaving everything out on the counters, dirty dishes on the sides etc.

I guess I am just fed up of always having to tidy up after someone else- who is an adult!

There is only so much I can do during the day whilst also caring for DD, playing with her, taking her to classes or playdates etc

Just coming back to this to say again that IME the underlying issue to all of this is the sleep deprivation associated with a child who wakes frequently. I remember being reduced to such a state of exhaustion that I simply could not organise and complete simple tasks. I was in a haze of tiredness that went on for 18 months. Had I had a decent amount of sleep and a tiny bit of help things would have been very different.
I would always advise trying to deal with the sleep issue ahead of anything else.

That isnt a fair division at all that you do everything all the parenting and housework and that he ignores stuff and is going to be happy to do so when you work part time.

Talk to him OP I think as a first point of call that this simply isnt on or fair on you and start getting out as well

X posted.
OP I hear you. Your DH is being thoughtless and selfish. IMO you are doing way more than your fair share. You are not the house maid.

@NonShallot I’m concerned about the impact of all this overload of work is having on your health. If you can’t get through to your husband that this arrangement is unreasonable then I think you are going to have to stop doing so much. You need to have boundaries of what you can and cannot do, of how you want to be treated.

I think that you need to get some support. Stop doing so much. Do what you think is fair, then stop.

Please look after yourself.

Sounds great to me! Your DH does the tea, bath and bed routine after work every night, washes up, pays all the bills and gives you a break on a weekend. I'd kill for that much help!!!

The SAHM life isn't for everyone though, doesn't sound like you're enjoying or appreciating it. Go back to work and get a cleaner.

Gives her a break on the weekend? By looking after his child for the afternoon sometimes? Really?

@KillerFlamingo what posts have you been reading?

@NonShallot

Tell him that his job is 40 hrs a week...........................your 'job' is 24hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year !!

Of course it's not a fair 'division' of labour

Write a daily diary, 1 diary for you and 1 diary for him, without telling him.

Tally up at the end of the week, who had more 'down time' ????

Or get him to read this..............

Why I Don't Help My Wife
Recently, I invited a friend over. Sipping coffee in my living room, the conversation turned from movies and sports to life. We are both about the same age, and both have been married for about the same amount of time. As we talked, I heard the loud clamoring of the dishwasher stop as it finished its final cycle. Excusing myself, I told my friend I must put away the dishes.My friend shot me a glance: a shock of disbelief, almost defensive in posture. He told me that it's great that I help out my wife, but that he doesn't bother. “Every time I do chores,” he said, “she doesn't have an ounce of gratitude. If she's not gonna thank me for helping her out, why should I even bother?” This startled me. I'm normally not a confrontational kind of guy. I don't like to talk about politics, and I usually keep my comments to myself. But this was too much. I couldn't contain myself.“Look man, I said, I'm not 'helping her out. My wife doesn't need 'help.' She needs a partner. The two of us are a team.” He started to reply, trying to explain what he meant by the comment, but I stopped him, continuing:I don't “help” my wife clean the house. We keep our house clean because we both live here and want the house to be clean. I clean the house because it's where I live, and my wife isn't a maid, but a partner.I don't “help” my wife cook because it's not her job to cook and my job to eat. We both live here, we both need to eat, and in order for us to eat, the cooking needs to be done.I don't “help” my wife do the dishes because they're my dishes, too. I eat off them, just like her, and it's in both of our interests to have them be cleaned.I don't “help” my wife with her children because they're my children, too. They need a mother and they need a father, and raising them is both of our jobs.I don't “help” my wife clean, fold clothes, do laundry, or any other chores because they aren't only “hers,” but mine.I'm not only a “help,” a hired hand that helps my wife out on occasion in exchange for a “thank you,” a kiss, or sex. I am a part of the house.Then, I turned back to my friend, his face tense with embarrassment. I was now in my full preacher mode, and it was time to charge my audience with conviction. I asked him “do you thank your wife every time she cleans the house?” He clamored to defend himself, but I continued: “I'm not talking about a half-baked “thanks” that you mutter from across the room, but actually looking her in her eye and saying that you appreciate that she worked all day to help you take care of your home!” “Do you look her in the eye and tell her she's fantastic, beautiful, the best thing that ever happened to you and that she means the world to you?” “Do you tell her how much you love that she keeps your house clean?”You should not “help” your wife with the chores in exchange for some kind of prize. What prize does she get for helping you out? You need to get out of this “Leave it to Beaver” mentality, step out of TV Land, and step up and be a real husband.My friend stood speechless, flabbergasted, fumbling to find an excuse. I shrunk in slight embarrassment for a moment, even though I knew it had to be said.I spoke again to break the silence: “I'm just saying man, your wife doesn't owe you anything. She's not your “help,” and you should treat her like an equal partner.”Many of us were raised in home with mothers who waited on us hand in foot. We took their help for granted, because they had to raise us and take care of us. But your wife is not your mother. She's not raising you, and you're not a child. Marriage is an equal partnership. Your wife is not your mother, and she's not there to take care of you.You are there to take care of each other, to have a house together, raise children together, and form an equal partnership. That means each of you carrying your share of the load, and thanking each other for help. Macho culture would make you think that everything is your wife's job, but there's nothing macho about this. It's the behavior of a child who needs to be taken care of, not an adult who can provide in a partnership.Imagine a child who constantly demands help from his mother, constantly makes messes, and never thanks her for anything. That's basically how you act towards your wife. That might be acceptable for a young infant, but not for an adult. So thank your wife for what she does, and make sure that you carry an equal share of the load, helping her in any way possible.When you make a mess, you shouldn't expect your wife to clean it up. It's your job to clean up your own messes. You both live there, you're not “helping” her with anything because it's your home.Likewise, it's not her job to constantly cook. In my home, I always do the cooking, because I'm good at it.These “traditional” roles were sold to us by fictional television. They say nothing about the reality of marriage. If you step all over your wife like Homer Simpson, you are on a one-way street to a divorce.So to everyone out there who is concerned about their own masculinity, if you want to be a macho man, stop acting like a child and making your wife do all the work and chores. Thank her, and do your part to contribute.

@NonShallot

And this ;

I Want a Wife

1- I belong to that classification of people known as wives. I am A Wife.
And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother.

2- Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh
from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his
ex-wife. He is looking for another wife. As I thought about him while I
was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that 1, too, would
like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife?

3- I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically
independent, support myself, and, if need be, support those dependent
upon me. I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I
am going to school, I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a
wife to keep track of the children's doctor and dentist appointments. And
to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife to make sure my children eat
properly and are kept clean. I want a wife who will wash the children's
clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturant
attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes sure
that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them to
the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when
they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need
special care, because, of course, I cannot miss classes at school. My
wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may mean
a small cut in my wife's income from time to time, but I guess I can
tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for the care
of the children while my wife is working.

4- I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife
who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children,
a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes
clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that
my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what
I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife
who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the
necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and
then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will
care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time
from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation
so that someone can continue to care for me and my children when I need a
rest and change of scene.

5- I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a
wife's duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel the
need to explain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course
studies. And I want a wife who will type my papers for me when I have
written them.

6- I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life.
When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who will
take care of the baby-sitting arrangements. When I meet people at school
that I like and want to entertain, I want a wife who will have the house
clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends, and
not interrupt when I talk about things that interest me and my friends. I
want a wife who will have arranged that the children are fed and ready
for bed before my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I
want a wife who takes care of the needs of my guests so that they feel
comfortable, who makes sure that they have an ashtray, that they are
passed the hors d'oeuvres, that they are offered a second helping of the
food, that their wine glasses are replenished when necessary, that their
coffee is served to them as they like it. And I want a wife who knows
that sometimes I need a night out by myself.

7- I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who makes
love passionately and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure
that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand
sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who
assumes the complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not
want more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually faithful to me
so that I do not have to clutter up my intellectual life with jealousies.
And I want a wife who understands that my sexual needs may entail more
than strict adherence to monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate
to people as fully as possible.

8- If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than the
wife I already have, I want the liberty to replace my present wife with
another one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my wife will
take the children and be solely responsible for them so that I am left free.

9- When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit
working and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely
take care of a wife's duties.

10- My God, who wouldn't want a wife?

I do think it would be a fair division of labour during the week if you could get dd to sleep at a reasonable hour and have a few hours to yourself after she is in bed and a good night's sleep. Also he should tidy up after himself if he makes breakfast and put his clothes away etc but I don't find that a huge deal as I can be a bit messy myself. In this case I think you need to work on dds sleep and in the meantime he should take on a bit more to help and give you at least one good lie in at the weekend.

The weekends are less fair dh should do a bit of housework or garden and you should both have equal time to yourself plus do some family time. I don't see why this can't work out even if he wants to do a 3hr bike ride one day. You could still fit in a similar time off for the OP plus a family outing.

If your Dh was working really long hours then it would be different but 40hrs a week I think means your weekends should be 50/50 time off for both and both doing some chores and childcare.

I think the problem with trying to divide up household jobs equally is that expectations are different. Say, for example, you choose not to wash his towels and bedding, he would probably do it eventually after a month or two... but would that really matter? The sky would not fall on anyone's head and life would go on. I don't think you can expect others to live to your level of cleanliness and tidiness. I work full-time and I hoover once a week( sometimes less) I have a cordless hoover for odd crumbs as needed. I will clean the toilet when it needs it, usually after using it but not set routine. I will plump up sofa cushions and tidy one evening whilst watching telly. Our house is more ' lived in' than show room but fortunately I have a DH who does not care about such things. As for the laundry, it takes 2 minutes to shove in a load. I usually do that before work and DH hangs out on the line when it beeps ( he WFH) I then rearrange it when I get home( another thread!!😂) and do another load in the evening. We do not own an ironing board.
I am not minimising the hard work of atoddler. I had 3 under 3.5 for a few weeks. My DH did not expect a tidy house or food at that stage and he ate at lunchtime so I could at with kids and not have to cook again.
I think you just need an honest chat together. If you want to run, do it when he gets home and does bedtime routine. If you get home and baby is in need and dishwasher loaded etc, just sit down and relax. If you risk around riding, you know by 11 am next day it will look a mess again. Try and get a routine of 2 hour nap for toddler after lunch when you can get jobs done.
And re mental load, your DH will be carrying a mental load from work so not like he had nothing to think about. I have a huge work mental load to the point that one day I actually forgot to phone DH to ask how an operation had gone on one of our kids😱.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Read this, then get him to read it. Leaving stuff then going to work is just disrespectful, it’s not your ‘job’ to clear up after him.

I did just read that article above and it is very good but I don't think we should forget that that can be a two way thing. The wife who is consistent that everything is done HER way can equalling be putting a huge strain on the relationship. And that is why marriage is compromise always. Finding a middle ground that both can be happy with. It will never be perfect but it can always be good if communication is good.

I manage all of that as a single parent. I think you need to think about how you organise yourself.life admin should really be a bare minimum.... Paying insurances is surely an annual thing? Get everything set up on direct debit on the same day. Check the bank once a month for bills. Have a separate account for bills and one to live off. Then you admin is at a bare minimum.

How much washing and ironing are you doing a week?

Can you not batch freeze some meals or invest in a slow cooker or actinfry to lessen your time cooking.

Do you really need an activity or play date every day. Maybe your child is over stimulated? My you get never slept through the night till he was 3.5 then he just stopped one day and never did it again so I don't know what the answer is there but I had to get up every hour and do a 40 hour week. It was tough.

Surely he can come home and cook once or twice a week and do bath time a couple of days to give you abreak to go for a run?

OK so your last update makes things clearer that it's more being treated as the person that has to clear up after everyone else than division of labour.

I'd advise picking your battles.

Leaving dirty breakfast dishes for you to clean up is unacceptable. Have you told him this in literally so many words? It's not about the fact that cleaning them away takes 2 minutes; but the fact that he doesn't respect you enough to do this himself. See www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
My husband also piles up clothes up in a pile on the chest of drawers rather than put them away properly. I figure this is annoying, but they are his clothes, and actually they are not really causing me a problem, so I will just go along with this.
Are you doing things (cleaning the block paving) that he thinks are unnecessary? If so, focus on sharing the tasks that he thinks are necessary (he mows the lawn if you do the paving).
Also, I'd get into the habit of making sure downstairs is clean/tidy before your DC goes to bed. That means everyone rallies round (including the DC - they should be putting their own toys away). Then you sit down and do not do any housework once DC is in bed.

@updownroundandround Awesome

He comes home, gives DD her dinner (which I will have sorted) and then does bath time and bed every night. He also does the washing up after dinner. On weekends we will usually do something together with DD or he might have her for an afternoon if I say I want some time to myself

Followed by I am doing 100% of everything for the house and childcare, even when on weekends when my husband is off.

Both statements can't be true. I think your DH does more than enough considering he's doing a full 40hr week too.

There's just the three of you? Exactly how much washing do you have? Why can't you stick a load on as he's feeding DD, that's 2 minutes, and the laundry done for the day. Why can't you sit down daily for an hour while he bathes and puts DD to bed? You haven't even got to do the kitchen, he's doing the washing up too!

You sound quite demanding. I'd be very appreciative of that assistance, daily, from someone who has just come home from a full day's work to provide for our family.

Why does it all have to be so rigid, I don't understand this with relationships.
Surely sometimes you'd like a lie in or a coffee in bed.
Does he not want to look after his own child on his days off? What does he think single parents do? Ignore their kids all weekend?

You are not his maid, his personal assistant or secretary!

Your married in a partnership this definitely isn't a partnership! Things should be split equally depending on time. Sorry but I would be handing my husband his arse on a plate if he told me to do all that!

If he still doesn't get it then simply stop doing it all for him! Wash your DD and your clothes tell him where the washing machine or iron is!
Make yourself and your child lunch at the weekend tell him he knows where the fridge is etc etc etc he will get the message!

The thing you mentioned last, about doing it before anyone else gets a chance to do it - that is exactly like me! I’ll wash the dishes straight after breakfast/lunch/dinner and then secretly resent that I’m always the one washing up when in actual fact if I let them pile up I know OH would wash them. I guess I just like to do stuff there and then whereas OH would do it in his own time. Neither of us are wrong but I need to work on making sure I’m not resenting him for something he didn’t get the opportunity to do because I never gave it to him.

Your partner does feeding, bath and bed every weekday after a full time day job. I think that’s very helpful and gives you evenings to chill our and unwind? So it’s only fair he gets the weekend to do a leisurely hobbies such as cycle. You said he lets you get me time in if you need it and if you organise everything he will go out with you as a family? These are all good things, I know it sucks that you need to organise and arrange the day but some people are pants at picking where to go and what to do.

Overall he seems helpful, generous with money which is important and as he is the one working and you not then naturally I’d expect you to do a lot more of the housework and day to day kid stuff. Even still, he seems to help with DD quite a fair bit.

When you start working PT things may need to be reviewed and more tasks shared of course x