What is a fair division of labour if I'm a SAHM? DH thinks I should do it all

[NonShallot]

DD is two and I have been off work since she was born. This was a mutually agreed decision made for the benefit of DD, though I am going back to work soon.

Anyway I've been struggling to keep on top of things lately because DD is going through a sleep regression so I'm more tired and more inclined to have a sit down, and its made me realise that I do literally everything.

I dust, hoover, mop, clean, food shop, cook, tidy up, clothes washing/ironing/put away, maintain garden. I sort out everything to do with DD , from ensuring she is fed and clothed, to sorting out what nursery she's going to, to putting her name down for schools, she had a minor eye problem and I was the one sorting appointments for her. Walk dog, feed pets, organise vet visits and order pet food. All life admin- paying bills, sorting insurance, making appointments etc. I'm the one who suggests we go out and I am always the one booking it. I booked my own Mother's Day lunch because I knew he wouldn't remember.

DH works mon-fri 40 hours a week. He comes home, gives DD her dinner (which I will have sorted) and then does bath time and bed every night. He also does the washing up after dinner. On weekends we will usually do something together with DD or he might have her for an afternoon if I say I want some time to myself.

If we are going out I am the one sorting the change bag, ensuring we have snacks, that DD is ready etc

DD is not a great sleeper so I now sleep in the spare room and will get up in the night with her so DH can sleep on work nights (his job involves handling heavy machinery so it's important he isn't tired for safety reasons, though he will help with DD if I am desperate)

Even on weekends when he is home, he will never dust, or hoover, or put washing on. I am the one doing that whilst he is sat on his phone, or has gone for a three hour cycle. I don't think he has ever looked in the drawer and thought, hmmm bit low on baby wipes and nappies, maybe I had better pop on Amazon and order some more.

I have attempted to discuss this with him but he says as I'm not working its my 'job'. I am going back to work PT soon and as its shift work, he says that most of the responsibility for keeping the house will be down to me as he is still working FT.

He is a king caring man, we have a great time together and I do love him. He is generous with money, he does always remember birthdays and anniversaries. But I am feeling worn down by all of this.

Is this a 'fair' division of labour, as he is FT and I'm off? Should I be doing all the work? I wonder if I have made a rod for my own back because I am naturally clean and tidy, and would it myself before I would be happy to leave it for someone else to do.

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are

He seems to be treating his small contributions to childcare as a work contract with fixed hours, whereas you are available 24/7.

He needs to step up at the weekend and definitely needs to do more when you return to work part time. He's bang out of order for suggesting that nothing should change!

He should contribute to basic household tasks at the weekend like un/loading the dishwasher, tidying after a meal, picking up toys etc. He should definitely be putting his own work clothes in the wash! Otherwise he is treating you like the hired help not an equal partner.

I think the disparity comes from you feeling like you're doing all the "donkey work" where as he's doing "office work".

No, he's not doing the equal share of the household chores. But he's doing a significant amount each day. Now turn it on its head. How would you feel if after he came home, he gave DD dinner, bathed her, put her to bed, did the washing up.... while you had to then go to his office and do 1.5hrs of "his" work. Your role and his role is equally important. He comes home and takes over a significant amount of that. I think it's really petty that you don't feel you should have to put away his breakfast things. Why not?? Time is relevant here. My DH will have breakfast, and leave his things, not because he's lazy, but because he has an hour commute, and has to leave in a rush as it is. I am at home all day, and have plenty of time to load the dishwasher later. I mean, I could be petty and declare I'm no maid, clear your own things, which he would. But he'd have to get up a bit earlier to make sure he had the time. And then we wouldn't have breakfast with DS because it wouldn't coincide with the time DS is up and eating breakfast before his school bus. I'm at home all day. With toddler twins. DH has ADHD and is messy anyway, and DS has that condition too. I am definitely not rushed off my feet all day, and our home is not small, and it looks lovely.

I'm very much for a fair share. I think you've got a very reasonable set up OP.

Don't listen to all these people living in the 1950s.

The only fair way to do this, is that if this isn't considered your job that he helps out with. It is your duty to do what you can and do all of the childcare whilst he's working but the rest of the time the only fair thing is for everything to be shared.

How can it be fair otherwise?? Would you hire a cleaner and a nanny and expect them to work 24 hours? No. So why should sahms?

And I don't understand how these pathetic men can sit and watch their partner doing everything and not think they have to also pull their weight.

And when I went back to work full time after having my first. It was a lot easier to keep on top of the house when my child was in nursery and noone was messing it up in the day!

And since splitting up with my ex, working full time, paying the bills and looking after 4 kids and still doing all the school and doctor admin...feels like a holiday compared to being an unvalued skivvy sahm that I was for so many years.

It sounds like he has a lot of downtime and you have very little. So I don't think it's fair.

Honestly, it's depressing but if I was you I'd return to work and use the money for a cleaner. If he doesn't respect your contribution, and you are feeling resentful- those aren't positions that change easily.

I'd work full time if I was you. Otherwise you'll be doing a double shift while he cycles around without a care in the world.

Sorry many to say that I only have the kids split custody now.

And I managed for many years pre kids to work full time in a very demanding job and still had time to do my chores, put my dishes in the dishwasher after breakfast etc.

I can't believe the poster above who has twins and her poor husband is incapable of putting his dish and the other dishes in the dishwasher. Her kids will grow up seeing this as normal and yet another generation of entitled sexist men will be created.

FFS!!

I'm baffled as to how anyone can consider your set up fair, OP. Your OH works 40hrs a week. He comes home and does next to nothing, as far as he is concerned, his day is over and he doesn't need to lift a finger. 40 hours. A week is 168 hours. He works 8 hours a day and thinks he's done enough? What absolute bollocks. You are working 24/7, you do not get to go home and clock off for the day, your day never stops. Your OH is a selfish arse. How any partner can watch their loved one struggling and not step in to lighten the load is pretty shocking. Where is his love and compassion for you?

Your child has two parents. He has to take responsibility too, he's only working 8 hours a day, for Christ's sake.

That sounds fair enough to me, really lovely that he comes home and takes over dinner bath and bed for your DD.

Re: he never orders nappies, it sounds like that's because that category of tasks is yours. For example, in our house I deal with the car and all related things. It would be really weird if DH suddenly decided to do the car tax because I've taken on responsibility for that. Similarly, he sorts bills so would be very strange for me to pop up one day and start changing the direct debit for the electricity. We have divided the labour and each sticks to their own. If you're not working and always looking after DD, naturally ordering supplies will fall to you.

Where the hell did we get the notion that a man's job is so stressful and tiring that they can't possibly parent when they clock off work? No woman is claiming that applies to her job. When a woman gets home, she is expected to do everything and be an active parent. With men, we should apparently just be grateful for the scraps of help they chuck our way.

@Cosybelles

That sounds fair enough to me, really lovely that he comes home and takes over dinner bath and bed for your DD.

Re: he never orders nappies, it sounds like that's because that category of tasks is yours. For example, in our house I deal with the car and all related things. It would be really weird if DH suddenly decided to do the car tax because I've taken on responsibility for that. Similarly, he sorts bills so would be very strange for me to pop up one day and start changing the direct debit for the electricity. We have divided the labour and each sticks to their own. If you're not working and always looking after DD, naturally ordering supplies will fall to you.

It's really lovely that he does the bare minimum in watching his child eat, and bathing them before bed? He doesn't cook the meal, and I'm guessing he doesn't put his child to bed. Where is this man's medal, he's really going above and beyond.

@FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye I just read that article and if it was a case of wives being upset at one glass being left beside the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher because husband might want to use it again, then I would think wife was being unreasonable. However, I’ve seen over and over and over again the wife being upset at 5 glasses several mugs, plates and bowls with food scraps on them and a trail of ants in the kitchen left by husband because he thinks it’s wife’s job to clean up after him and she has left it to see how long it will take for him to clean up after himself until days have passed and ants are everywhere. There’s less and less bench space making it harder and harder for her to use it.

I don’t think it’s ever just one glass.

As PP have said it does sound as tho he does a fair bit especially if he does bath and bed every night after he comes home.

I know it isn't what anyone wants to hear but you've chosen to be a house wife for this period of your life. That means you do the home related work!

I don’t think it’s ever just one glass.

No, which is the whole point of the article.

I think you are being unrealistic.
Your dh WOTH everyday and still comes home and feeds her and does bath and bed time and still washes up after that.
You do not WOTH and think you are being hard done by

As a pp said Lots of that 24/7 parenting is easy and frequently great fun. Activity groups and play dates every day - it's not comparable to the heavy machinery stuff your DH is doing in his work day. You have to change your perspective on what is downtime, it doesn't need to be child-free
So yes, she is with you, but it isn't exactly work all day long. If you find the groups hard work then don't take her to them every day.
I presume, at 2, she has a nap still ?
Also, I can't see exactly where all this housework is coming from.

You only have one dc, and your dh is definitely pulling his weight, so I can't understand why you think you are hard done by. You do realise lots of parents have to do much of what you are complaining about around their WOTH hours, don't you ?

Nah man, if he's in he gets stuck in. He also should be doing the disrupted sleeps on a weekend so you can catch up. He doesnt get to just do the easy bits.

I have attempted to discuss this with him but he says as I'm not working its my 'job'. I am going back to work PT soon and as its shift work, he says that most of the responsibility for keeping the house will be down to me as he is still working FT

No way I'd have taken that. Time fo another conversation where you tell him if he says anything like that again you'll be doing fuck all for him again. Cheeky twat.

@tofuschnitzel OPs original post stated her OH does feeding, bath and bed time each weekday. That’s not next to nothing.

Christ. This thread is hard to read.

If there really is nothing to do and the op has it so easy, well then they should both be able to put their feet up after her husband gets home, right?

Play groups may be fun but so is WOTH work. I love my work! There are some elements that I'd rather not do but for the most part love it. Does that mean it isn't worthwhile and I shouldn't get a break?

This attitude is really shit. Having a penis and working outside the home does not absolve you of any responsibility for your home and children.

@FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye I get it, he’s saying the one glass represents his respect and love for his wife and even though it’s just one glass and it’s not important to him, it is important to her so he will put that one glass in the dishwasher so she can feel respected, valued and loved. However, I don’t think that it’s the failure to do one tiny little thing like one glass left on the bench that results in wife feeling disrespected. And his words saying yes, you might think your wife is being petty over this one glass, but for her it’s important and represents your respect for her, so overlook this pettiness for the sake of saving your marriage. And yes he mentions not tracking dirty footprints all over the floor that she worked so hard to clean (which is fair enough) and some other valid points.

However, the analogy of the one glass is not highlighting a mutually respectful relationship. It’s not highlighting the ability of both men and women being able to communicate, compromise and be reasonable.

Rather, it’s highlighting appeasing your wife even when she’s being petty just to avoid her divorcing you. I think it actually trivialises the reality of so many women being mistreated, taken advantage of, disrespected and being regarded and treated as inconsequential. It trivialises just how badly far too many women are being treated.

[quote Codoftherings]@tofuschnitzel OPs original post stated her OH does feeding, bath and bed time each weekday. That’s not next to nothing.[/quote]
Approximately one-two hours of parenting out of 24, and he barely lifts a finger the rest of the time? That's a pitiful amount. Let's not pretend that bathing a child and supervising eating is a particularly arduous part of the day. The OP is still doing all of the grunt work.

This thread is depressing to read. It's as if OP should be grateful that she can live this incredible life of luxury, because her poor OH is working a whopping 40 hours a week and can't possibly contribute to family life when he is home.

OP I guarantee that you could share this post tomorrow and get a completely different set of answers. And those answers would be supportive of you, and recognising the work you do. Not holding your OH up as a model parent for doing so very little.

@Oceanbliss no, it is the straw that broke the camel's back.

It isn't about pettiness but often it can seem like it. Like when I got annoyed at my ex for not putting his shoes away. That may have seem OTT but the problem was that it wasn't just the shoes and it was showing the kids that it was ok to leave his shoes out. Imagine 6 people all leaving a few pairs of shoes out...

And it isn't about leaving a glass out. It is all the dishes, all the time.

All these little tasks multiplied make up a constant and big workload - both physically and mentally.

I can't believe the poster above who has twins and her poor husband is incapable of putting his dish and the other dishes in the dishwasher. Her kids will grow up seeing this as normal and yet another generation of entitled sexist men will be created.

You miss the point entirely. He is perfectly capable of taking ten minutes to take his things and clean down the surfaces/table from where he's been. Because I'm not a petty arse, and don't work, I clear the breakfast things, about 10am when I've got the twins up, dressed and settled in their play area. He could do it, of course, for absolutely no reason when I've got plenty of time too. This would mean he would have to have his breakfast 10mins earlier, to allow for this, before he starts his 1hr commute.

However, myself, DH and DS all like to have breakfast together, so we do so at a time that's convenient for DH (leaving for work) and DS (leaving for school). But far better DH eats alone, so he can get up earlier and clear his own plates because I'm so hard done by fitting it into my "demanding" schedule.

I'm not stuck in the 1950s. And DH is perfectly capable of doing all the things I do. It's called teamwork. As PP have said, where is all this housework coming from for 2 adults and a 2yr old?

If he's working 40 hours a week then the fair thing is for you to do 40 hours a week cooking/cleaning/admin/chores.

If you don't want to do that then get paid employment and pay someone else to do it?

@NonShallot

Hmm okay. It seems that the majority of posters seem to think that its a fair division of labour, that I am doing 100% of everything for the house and childcare, even when on weekends when my husband is off. Is it still my job then to do all the washing/ironing/sorting out DD?

I suppose my issue is that I do not get any down time. Parenting is 24/7 currently with the sleep regression, often I'm still tidying/sorting/cooking well past 7/8 at night. I used to run prior to having DD but now I don't seem to have any time to do that, but DH regularly has time to go cycling for several hours.

This is also his home where he lives, why shouldn't he do some sort of contribution to its up keep? Or have I got this totally wrong?

@NonShallot can you not do sleep training? As others have said, sorting out the sleep issue needs to be your priority and will also mean you both have more quality, less tired time together as a couple. This is crucial otherwise you'll drift apart from each other.

You also seem naturally more tidy than he is. Nothing wrong with that but you can't expect someone else to match your own standards, especiallywith a child around which drains everyone'senergy and time. The time you spend cleaning over the weekend you can spend for your own personal downtime. You can't blame him if youre choosing to do non essential things instead of having your down time.

Also delegate out th planned stuff for some days to him e.g. him sorting out things for your DD. And leave him to it. Also does everything have to be ironed? A child is a full on job in any family, you need to compromise on cleaning etc otherwise you have no one but yourself to blame if you burn out.

@CharlieWorkCharlieSad

Then take some more time for yourself!

I'm a SAHM and do everything too. But I'm fine with that as I also get to do what I want a lot of the time.

Just let him know that tomorrow you are going out for the afternoon and go have a nice time.

Why are you doing so much in the evenings if you are home all day?

We all eat together at 5.30. No cooking 2 meals. Kids eat what we eat. Dishwasher gets loaded and kids tidy up their toys etc. Then we alternate nights to put them to bed.

There's nothing to do in the evenings if you have spent the day doing housework.

A non sleeper is a killer though I've been there. It makes life seem so much worse then it is.
I'd spend sometime getting DD to sleep better.

Exactly. There's no reason for there to be much to do in the evenings (and her DH sorts out the DD with her bedtime routine when he gets home). I think it's more than reasonable for OP to be making the dinner on weekdays since she's at home all day. He should be helping with meals during the weekend though. Things are busy but much simpler with one child.

To be honest I think the OP has perfectionist tendencies and is building up unfair resentment towards her DH due to her doing unnecessary things. He's probably not arranging stuff to do at the weekends because after a week at work probably he just wants to chill out instead of rushing round more places all the time (I know I'm the same). If he's an introvert, his cycles are much needed downtime on his own to recharge which are necessary for an introvert. All the OP needs to do his tell him she wants her own downtime on her own at the weekend and he looks after their child while she goes out and also does her own thing. Since she's choosing to arrange weekend activities and only asks him occasionally for time alone without the child he's probably just thinking this is how she like spending her time. She needs to communicate with him, he's not a mind reader.

I think the crux of the matter is the fact he doesn’t clear up after himself and he doesn’t value what the OP does.

I’m a single parent so I do 100% of everything 100% of the time. But I found it far harder mentally to be in a relationship where i was expected to cook, clean, parent and deal with the lack of respect. I was also working full time and earned far more than my ex so not quite the same scenario.

I think the faked ineptitude was completely infuriating, I can remember holding up washing machine instructions and saying that I couldn’t see where it said “must only be operated by people with a vagina”.

I am far less stressed and happier being single than dealing with the minefield of misogyny in domestic life.

@TwinsAndTrifle putting your dish in the dishwasher and helping clear up breakfast doesn't take 10 minutes.

Working full time is not arduous and doesn't mean that you can't clear up after yourself. What did your husband used to do before he had you to do things? I presume he worked and still managed to clear his breakfast, clean his house, buy his food, cook it, clean his clothes etc.

Now, I am completely on board with the sahp doing what they can whilst the other is at work. But within some boundaries. I'd feel like a complete shitty piss taker if I expected someone to do that for me all the time.

For example. I had back to back meetings on one day last week. Left the house at 7am, came home late and had an international zoom meeting. Meaning that my boyfriend did, the clearing up from the evening before and cooking. The next day I did all the dishes and cleared the kitchen. Took me about 20 minutes . His schedule isn't as full as mine but that doesn't matter. Doesn't mean he gets left with all the shitty jobs all the time.

And for example, I tend to clean his bathroom quickly whilst I'm in there. It takes me 2 minutes, but it is one less job for him to do.

If I was with someone who didn't pick up after himself or pull his weight or expected me to do all the drudge work, I would lose attraction for them. (Actually I did).

Like I tell my kids. If they can all spend 20 mins helping to clean the house it means that I don't have ti spend all morning doing it. And really 20 mins each is nothing. Neatly 2 hours for one person is much more significant.

My brothers grew up appreciating all the work involved in running a home as they had my dad as an example. So despite them both working and their wives being sahm they have always pulled their weight. That's the way it should be.