Weekend only relationship

[Fustyoldface]

Just posting to ask if I’m overthinking really. Year and a half with partner still only see each other on the weekends, only really talk on the weekends aside from the odd surface type text during the week. I find it hard to stay connected, he says he is happy. I have said it feels a bit like we are repeating the same conversations etc and could we see each other more or talk about the future but he either changes the subject or says he’s fine with it. Am I being dramatic?

Good luck OP

1. He's an extreme introvert who'll never be able to live with you or anyone, or he's just grown used to living alone and that suits him just fine.
2. You're his mistress
3. He doesn't love you as much as he says he does

None of those are good possibilities.

@category12

He is continuing to give you crumbs.

You look like you might have had enough, so he puts on a sad face and you seem like you're folding.

Don't.

You asked him a reasonable question about the future and he talks about knowing in a few years.

Ffs.

Gosh darnit op, stop falling for his pathetic sad face antics. It's just someone might take his toy away. It's a toy he doesn't really like that much and doesn't play with that much, but it's his and he doesn't want anyone else to have it.

You deserve the whole cake, op, not just the crumbs of a relationship.

@category12 Good post. I like the toy comparison.

I know a lovely woman who never plans on living with a man again, but I think if her partner brought it up , I don't think she'd shut down the conversation like what he's doing.

It's very bad that you wonder if you're overreacting over this. It's sounds like your boundaries and standards have been really shaken about which is not good for carrying on with this man. I'm concerned about what other concessions you would make with him over time.

Even yesterday shows how it is. I hadn't seen him all day, and just wanted to say 'how was your day'. But I waited and waited so as not to 'bother him' and was doing my own stuff anyway but hey I am so needy I like to ask my 'partner' how their day was. One message sent across to ask about plans and try and be a bit chatty and he just said goodnight, catch you soon. It's just shit and it makes you feel lonely!

@TreeSmuggler yeah I've heard that one. Apparently if I dare say I miss him it means I'm trying to spend 24/7 with him. It's extremely frustrating and odd.

I've been with my dp for 2 years. Until 2 weeks ago he lived an hours drive from me and I was the only one who drove so if he got the train to me it would take longer. We saw each other EOW and a night in the week and it worked fine as I have 2 dc and we both work.

Anyway, it was him who started missing me more and wanting to spend more time together so he has just moved to my town so we can do that. I have made it clear that I don't want to live with him or anyone else apart from my dc for the forseeable and although I think he would move in with me, he also likes his own space so I feel we have made a good compromise.

That's what real relationships are about...compromise. It seems that your guy wants it all on his terms and that just won't work.

I had a bf like this, lasted 2 years and I was fine with it (I had DC that I didn't want involved in my romances). After a while I wanted more but he didn't (fair enough) so it ended. I was in love and it hurt - took me a long time to get over it. He was in his 40s and lived with his parents. He would never have changed.

If you are not happy with something then you should either accept it or change it. Don't expect him to change - he is who he is.

I know, I don't want him to change himself, I would never want that. The main problem is that I've recognised I would like a relationship that progresses and that's not what he wants, it's just what I said a bit further up, he seems so distraught and then lists me reasons as to why he 'will know in a few years' that I feel awful; needy and like I've overreacted. I want the best for both of us. I just feel so muddled up with it hence posting here to get other's thoughts.

Apparently if I dare say I miss him it means I'm trying to spend 24/7 with him. It's extremely frustrating and odd.

Thing is, he doesn't really believe that when he says it. He obviously can see that you aren't needy at all, if anything you have very low needs and expectations. He just knows that by saying it, it will make you want to prove you aren't like that by letting him do whatever he wants.

I admit I've fallen for this in the past. My ex appealed to my sense that I am independent, like my own space, etc. Took me ages to realise you can be a strong, independent person and have a close relationship. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

OP,
Hard to believe you are accepting of SO little.

So little.

I have never been even vaguely been described as needy and what you have posted is ridiculous.

You won't even send a text.

He has you well trained to not even think of your needs.

Get rid of this selfish man who is wasting your time.

You are a very, very silly woman if you accept so little and his bullshit about knowing in a few years🙄

@billy1966 oh you don’t need to tell me. I know. I’m angry at myself for accepting so little. It just started off so well and I know what I have done, I have been waiting for it go back to how it was, except, this is him.

Don’t be angry at yourself. That’s counterproductive
We all have allowed ourselves to be treated less than well.
It’s the boiled frog analogy, you don’t really realise it’s happening until it’s done.

The positive is that you are realising it.

You sound unbelievably NON-NEEDY, so don't settle for so little.

You deserve so much better.

Re read @TreeSmuggler above, this is the truth.

You are being manipulated and played by him, so that he gets what he wants, how he wants.

Throw him back.

He doesn't deserve you.

I'd dump him personally.
You deserve better.

It's good that you are realising
that your gut instincts are spot on

Your bf is trying to control the narrative and exaggerating so that he gets everything his way - I doubt anyone would agree with him describing you as needy without his twisting

When you are scared to talk about what works for you or doesn't, or to even text him, as your partner, then that's not a good relationship . He ought care about what makes you happy as much as he cares about what makes him happy. Or it doesn't work for both of you,

It'd be so simple for him to respond with kindness to a text -"hi I'm fine just busy day. Chat another time" for eg

You don't need him to agree to you ending the relationship because it doesn't work for you. You can just do it.

And any time you feel consistently lonely in a relationship for a long period snd have tried to resolve it but can't , then it's very probably not right for you. You are allowed to work out what you want!

There will be a lovely man out there that wants the same thing as you and who doesn't try to make you feel bad about your reasonable views about what you want in your life.

That's not the definition of a partner. Plenty of people have a serious partner they don't live with. Plenty of married couples live apart nowadays. You don't need to live with someone to define them as your partner 😂

@Fustyoldface I think if you want more, you need to be more open and tell him what you want from the relationship. It's really hard but you both may just not be on the same page. Ignore what he says about delaying a few years till 'he knows'. Especially if you want children. You should be out there meeting someone more available who wants the whole package. Yes plenty dont live with partners these days but you don't want that set up.

I see my partner every weekend plus once during the week at times. I have small children. He also wants more than this (he wants a partner with full availability to see him/stay over/wake up) and I guess both scared to pull the plug as im the one happy with the current scenario and we actually really love each other.

It's hard hearing that someone isn't happy with any set up but ultimately at least then you can both make a decision. Personally in your shoes, id walk.

Think she might have noticed in the past four years...

You're not unreasonable to want more from a relationship and for the relationship to evolve. You don't need his permission to break up - I don't mean to be mean but he simply sees sex with a convenient younger woman vanishing. I did go out with somebody who had a similar idea about just going out on the weekends and we broke up. I met my wonderful husband about a year later and we've been together 30 years plus. We still like spending time together.