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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he said he has "Alot going on"

137 replies

SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 14:23

Hey! So for context, I am a female dating a guy, we are both in our 20s and have been dating for around 4 months.

We arent official at the moment but things are going really great, we get on very, very well, we speak daily throughout the day, just general chit chat and we see each other very regularly too. Usually instigated by him! he is very hands-on and affectionate, always makes effort, etc. My family had a barbeque on Saturday and he and his friend were invited and they came, he spent time with my mother as it was her birthday, was a nice night. He spent the night and left at around 11 am as he goes to the gym regularly, he said he might come back after gym but he ended up going home as he felt too shattered. Which I was absolutely fine with. So yes, leading up to this point, all seems to be going well with not one red flag!

Now tell me if I'm being too much here and it will only be because I am rather desperate for this to work out (I am VERY into him).

This week I've noticed a change in his effort to keep up a conversation, he is taking ALOT longer to respond via text, so it's not actually a conversation that flows, it's half-hearted responses, etc.
When he does respond he will apologize and say he's just been so busy at work, but when he goes home I don't hear from him in the evening either. I then will get a message in the morning saying he apologizes and that he has been feeling so tired lately, fell asleep super early, and just wasn't on his phone.

Anyway, the same thing happened yesterday and I received a text this morning saying "I'm so sorry, I've just had so much going on at the moment, I'm feeling quite stressed out x", I felt bad for him as I know he does work super hard. So I just replied "that's fine, I hope you are genuinely okay? I'm here if you need me but you've got this, don't doubt yourself x" he didn't read it nor reply, that was at 9 am this morning. I just went to message him and can see he is online, which means he has seen my message and just not opened it.

My gut has gone into meltdown and is saying he just doesn't want to talk to me and has lost interest? but I also do know it's only been a few days, should I just let it flow and see? or should I confront him about it?

I must add I am very insecure, so I don't want that to cloud my thoughts of him.

Thank you, everyone, I am sorry if I sound ridiculous, I am super into him, which I think he knows, and as much as I'm playing it cool, inside I am super panicked.

Sam
xx

OP posts:
WeeMadArthur · 01/07/2021 14:28

I would leave it to him to make contact next. If he is really busy you don’t want to add extra stress and if he isn’t then there is no point in forcing it.

Cabana21 · 01/07/2021 14:29

@SamTaylor20 sounds like he isn’t that bothered about keeping you interested after only 4 months. However you have said you’re still not official so does that mean you are seeing other people?

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 14:30

@WeeMadArthur Thanks for replying, that is what I've been doing, normally if I haven't heard from him I don't message, it was just today I clicked on it and saw he was online and I thought hmm maybe he's avoiding me...

OP posts:
Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 14:31

@Cabana21 That's what I feel like... which is so odd because the past weekend he was normal!
No, so we aren't official as in have a title but we have both said to each other that we aren't seeing/ sleeping with other people xx

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 01/07/2021 14:32

I think I wouldn't send another message for now and see how he responds. It's hard to keep up messaging every day, especially if he is stressed like he said he is. Don't bombard him with messages or your insecurities. Just see what happens. I know it's not easy to relax but sometimes people go inwards when stressed. I know I do and I don't have energy to message people all the time, even people I love. At the very least, he's told you how he is feeling. I would just give him a few days and see if he comes back naturally and without pressure. If he doesn't message you in a few days then maybe just message him and say I know you've been stressed with work, let me know if you fancy meeting soon and then leave ball in his court. I wouldn't start worrying just yet. Especially if everything has been fine up until now. Men aren't robots anymore than women are and can just simply have an off week. I can be online and not reply to someone. It's nothing personal but I get depression and anxiety and if I'm stressed it does affect me like that. Good luck!

Opaljewel · 01/07/2021 14:34

Sorry I didn't mean to sound harsh on the insecurities bit. I just mean it's easy to jump to conclusions and I know early days in dating isn't easy.

Notcoolmum · 01/07/2021 14:35

Do you think his sorry message was actually ending things? If you aren't exclusive I'd assume he was dating and talking to other people.

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 14:36

@Opaljewel Aw thank you, I needed that. I am a natural worrier anyway, so it's like second nature for panic to kick in, which is silly I know.

That's how I've been playing it honestly, I usually don't message if I haven't heard from him. Just today when I clicked on the chat to see if he was okay and saw he was online, something in my head switched like "maybe he has been doing this all week and just doesn't want to talk".

I do agree and maybe it's too intense, so I will take a step back and see what happens...

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 01/07/2021 14:38

Honestly op if someone is not official with you 4 months in, they don't want to be. You've let this man around your family and he isn't even your partner. He knows you are into him yet still can't call you his gf, and now he is being cold. He is a dick. To me the fact that he still didn't ask you on the night of the bbq clinches it. He is stringing you along.

The time to play it cool is long since past.
He might just be busy yes. But theres no reason to chase around after scraps from a guy who is just not that interested.

Step back and maybe he will change his mind. But really, I'd bin this one I think.

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 14:38

@Notcoolmum I didn't take it that way? It seemed as though it was an apology for his rubbish responses? but what do you think?

We did have the conversation where we both said we wouldn't and are happy to just want eachother but I guess without a title it's still a possibility?

OP posts:
Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 14:39

@Umberellatheweatha Oh really? Maybe I was naive but I thought we were going at a good /normal pace? God now my head is doing overtime haha.
I do completely understand what your saying, i thought they was all good signs but maybe I've been blind sighted

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 01/07/2021 14:40

I'm wondering if that's what he meant clumsily as he then went silent. In your shoes I'd be thinking what I need out of a relationship. From my own experience, when you start to feel anxious and insecure it's not normally a good sign.

Opaljewel · 01/07/2021 14:41

I am glad it helped. I mean it's obviously the fine line isn't it by not being too intense but also making sure they don't take the piss by stringing you along. So I do get it. But I aren't getting massive alarm bells just yet from what you said. That's why I said give it a few days just to see how it pans out. I mean obviously spidey senses are there for a reason but I also know how anxiety can trick you, especially when you really like someone. So I always think just wait and see as time always tells but then you have to also draw a line when it stops working for you. But I don't think you're at that stage yet

IHaveBrilloHair · 01/07/2021 14:41

He's just not that interested.

Opaljewel · 01/07/2021 14:42

Perhaps I'm being too laid back then haha! I just think jumping to conclusions can backfire until you know for sure is all.

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 14:43

@Notcoolmum Interesting! I completely didn't pick up on that potential meaning... silly of me. I mean I would ask but there's not much of a conversation going on and I don't want to see it so forceful.
I am generally an anxious/insecure person, which is why I thought I was perhaps deflecting on him, which I wouldn't want to do at all.

OP posts:
Tedsy2 · 01/07/2021 14:47

Just leave it and wait for him to initiate contact next.

Umberellatheweatha · 01/07/2021 14:48

I usually find that if they haven't asked you out within 10 weeks (honestly it's usually more like 5 or 6) then they don't want to be your bf. Assuming you are meeting at least once or twice each week.

What he has been doing is love bombing you by the sounds of things. And now he is blowing cold.
And your gut is picking up on it. You'll soon get the 'it's not you it's me' and the 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now' lines I'd expect.

If I were you I think I'd maybe boot him first. He is making you feel insecure and hasn't asked you out after 4 bloody months of seeing him. So youd be reasonable to walk.

I can understand that you want to see how things pan out though. But usually when things are good relationship wise, theres no insecurity.

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 14:48

@Opaljewel I know, I feel so silly honestly, I know I should be calmer but I can't help it. He did just message and say "I've been in first aid training all day, I feel drained, I'm so sorry x" to which I responded "are you sure everything is okay?" and he said, "yes I'm sure, are you?"

Am I just being way over the top?? or is that just an excuse??

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 01/07/2021 14:50

Honestly I've no idea. Maybe I'm being too calm about it and you're all correct. I just don't think everyone's actions are cut, copied and pasted. He does sound like he has a lot on but what do I know? 🤷‍♀️ if it's really getting you down, do you think he would be bothered if you asked him?

Backthewaywecame · 01/07/2021 14:50

If you think his messaging has changed and he’s backing off, he probably is.

Skyla2005 · 01/07/2021 14:50

You have made it too easy for him. Back away and do other things to get your mind off him. Do no message unless he messages first

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 14:52

@Umberellatheweatha Thank you for this, it's really helpful to have an outsider view on things, because yes I guess I've been behaving rather naively.
Yes, we do meet a couple of times a week, everything is pretty much his call though so I guess he has me right where he wants me if that's the case.
How would I approach that with him?

OP posts:
YerAWizardHarry · 01/07/2021 14:54

I totally disagree that they aren’t interested if they haven’t asked you to be their girlfriend by 4 months. My boyfriend asked me closer to 6 months and said he had assumed we basically were before then. 4 months is very early days!

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 14:54

@Opaljewel I do definitely see from your angle and I do agree not everyone is the same. God, it's all very confusing.

@Backthewaywecame I've always been one to say trust your gut! I can't kick this feeling...

@Skyla2005 I honestly did that without realizing it, so shitty! I don't like being in this position. Yes i will do that....

OP posts:
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