Oh god, night away.

[Dinosaurrescueteam]

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

@Dinosaurrescueteam

He’s just come downstairs and said ‘my princess. MINE.’

Wtf

He really does see you as his property doesn’t he.

That’s one reason I hate all the ‘princess’ talk - it’s supposed to be a compliment, putting you on a pedestal.

But it’s actually about power and control.

Any man who really admired you would see you as a queen to his king, not a princess. You’re not his equal in his eyes, your role is to adorn his important life and not to question his authority. He’s clearly been brooding on your weekend ‘escape’ and affirming to himself that he owns you. Be careful please - they often ramp it up when they sense they’re losing control of you.

@Dinosaurrescueteam

He’s just come downstairs and said ‘my princess. MINE.’

Oh dear. I hope you’re returning your crown.

Sorry OP but he's emotionally abusing you, I don't think he's saying any of that in a joking way and the fact that you had to garner courage to tell him says everything.

I'd be using his weekend away to get the locks changed. You need to get away from him asap because he sounds dangerous.

Reading about the finger wagging gave me the rage. If my DH did that to me I'd snap his bloody finger off.

I hate princess as well.
It’s grim.
Sorry, I know there are bigger issues here.

Rank. Tell him you are entitled to have a night away in exactly the same way he does. If you enjoy the time away from his oppressive presence too much, I would reconsider the marriage.

Imagine how rich you'll feel with actual joyful freedom.

Freedom to do what you please, when you like, with whoever.

Do you realise it's not normal to tip toe round your marriage?

Sweet priceless freedom calls you

These threads depress the shit out of me - I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

I honestly think it's time we promoted the freedom programme in school - and actually probably made all schools single sex so girls have the chance to grow and discover what THEY want without male influence ....hmm, I dunno, just throwing shit out there out of sheer frustration of the amount of women that live like this 😕 I don't know what needs to be done, but something clearly needs to happen - I'm glad you know this isn't normal OP, that's a start. I'm sorry we've created a society where when you've shared this with your friend it's totally normal for her to share her partners threats too in a jokingly way - thank god for Mumsnet, this isn't normal - get away from him, safely!

This is not normal behaviour OP and you obviously know that. I'm not sure your friend has a good perspective on normal , either, from what you've written.

Please make plans to leave ASAP. If he can't manage his own children for a single night, he is absolutely not going to be asking for 50/50, if that's what's holding you back. Talk to your parents about this and get organised. He sounds dangerous and shouldn't be told you are thinking of leaving.

Threatening to kill you and other people isn’t a red flag, it’s a facial tattoo that reads ‘psycho’. Please take this seriously.

Don’t know why you’re with him tbh. Sounds like you could do far better

@Dinosaurrescueteam

I hate princess as well. It’s grim. Sorry, I know there are bigger issues here.

Than you being in a relationship with an abusive threatening prat? That's plenty big enough. The kids don't need lots of money, they need a safe and happy mother.

You know his reaction isn't normal right. I'm going away September, DH has 3 kids Inc toddlers. He will ask where out of interest, will assume I'm telling the truth when I say who with, will wish me a nice time. That's it.

DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own

Even without the controlling and threatening and bullying, that would be enough for me to be out the door.

Get support –solicitor, Women's Aid, any friends and family you can muster.
And GET OUT.

Your posts make me so sad . This is no kind of life for you or your children you need to plan your exit quietly, carefully but urgently. I would use the weekend he's away to get all my ducks in a row - paperwork passports copies of bank statements payslips any evidence you can gather and whilst he is at a safe distance send him a message and tell him his bags are packed, police on standby and not to come home ever again. Depending on his response you may have to leave so make plans for the next few weeks but if you're happy he won't get violent then not make sure you've got someone in the house with you and put the police on alert.

I can absolutely guarantee you will be better off emotionally, mentally and financially if you split. Presumably he works full time so even if he said he'd go for 50% or even sole custody of children to spite you, you are the primary caregiver so can't see this happening (not to mention if he's never cared for his children overnight chances are he won't want to start now!).

You can apply for maintenance and you never know he might actually step up to being a half decent father and end up having the children for regular contact.
Please leave op - you are minimising his behaviour (completely understandable as he's conditioned you this way) but he is a misogynist, controlling bully and setting an appealing example for your children and a life of misery for you.

Oh dear, my DH was exactly like this. When I absolutely had to have a few nights away from home due to work he went on and on about it for literally about 10 years....

He went away of course for short breaks related to his hobby and I (fool that I was) decided to take the high road & let him go because I wasn't a jealous idiot.

Guess which one of us had an affair which started on a night away.....

I remember your other thread.

You need to make plans to leave, you have to. He is abusive and controlling. He is manipulating you!!

He is not a loving husband. Contact women’s aid and a solicitor, do not let him find out!

This is so much more than a night away, as I probably said on your other thread.

OP, I texted my DH earlier, and said I’m out tomorrow night but thinking about meeting earlier. You know what he replied? Sure fine, go when you want, I’ll sort the kids. That’s a normal reply OP.

@Confusedandshaken

You are setting your standards for a relationship painfully low. Your children are watching all this and learning what a relationship is like. They are learning that double standards, misogyny, violent threats veiled as humour and bullying are how a man should treat a woman he loves. That is what they will take into their own relationships unless you draw a line in the sand, tell them and your DH that it is unacceptable and leave this abusive man.

Please understand this OP, the legacy of living in a home witnessing this dynamic is so unfair.

Have you decided what to do?

Go, but come back in time to change the locks. He's not welcome in your house.

Go on your weekend away. Then pick your kids up from your parents and go start a new life without your horrible abusive husband.

This is not normal.

@Bumpsadaisie

Please contact women's aid. He sounds very possessive and potentially dangerous.

I agree.

I hope you can manage to leave & keep safe Op.

He doesn't want you to go and he is doing this so that you don't go. And then he will say, "I didn't stop you going, that was your decision".

Perfect controlling behaviour

I remember your last thread too. I'm glad you managed a night away, but of course you know that longer-term plans need to be made too.

He seems to think he's incredibly important and clever and wise and strong and in charge. It's like watching a rooster strutting about, imagining he's king of the world. Thing is, people like this NEED to have people to feel superior too. I wonder how big and important he will be in an empty house.

He's a shit-flinging baboon of a man, I really really hope you find the strength to get away from him.

OP, I'm so very sorry.

At least you know you need to leave.

I would be careful about how you plan to do this, this man sounds dangerous.

Have you contacted Woman's Aid or similar to look at ways to make a safe escape plan?

Apologies haven’t read the whole thread

This is awful! Really not okay. He is bullying you. Saying he will end up in prison - this is supposed to mean he would kill or injure someone ?

This is really really awful. The fact you are thinking of giving up, rather than being angry, makes me think he has ground you down over the years.
Please have your night out, and take some time to think about your future too. Hugs.

Can you record these batshit outbursts of his?