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Original poster

My husband took my credit card

442 replies

Sophiewoods · 30/06/2021 22:50

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 19:22

What does he buy OP? What essentials?

singlehun · 01/07/2021 19:29

@Sophiewoods

I do do most of the shopping and household stuff and everything for the kids but we agreed this and I have a bigger budget although I do think maybe it could be bigger
So if it was bigger would you still be able to make payments to your parents? Just not as much
Original poster
Sophiewoods · 01/07/2021 19:32

I am supposed to only spend £80 a week, him £40. We owe about £3000 between both our parents

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophiewoods · 01/07/2021 19:35

Yeah we would still be able to pay parents some money but he is very keen to pay them back ASAP and I am more chilled out about it. Especially as it will be easier to pay them back when our children are older and as our parents aren't overly fussed about it doesn't seem like it should be much of a priority atm and we should make it more of a priority in the future when the kids are older

OP posts:
Fiddliestofsticks · 01/07/2021 19:37

We would all love a bigger budget. There is always more stuff we all wish we could do/have. But if you're family finances cant afford more, then you cant have that stuff.

You've obviously both sat down, gone over finances, gone over what you have left and split it so you have the bigger chunk. You then made an agreement and you're ignoring it.

If you just didnt have anymore money then you wouldnt have he option of spending more. You'd need to stick to what you have. The problem is that you dont see the debt repayment as necessary, so you see the money set aside for that as available and free for the taking. You need to see it as already spent. It isnt available. You dont have anymore money. You need to stick to your budget.

If the problem is that you dont have a debit card, then open a personal account with no overdraft facility and your husband can transfer your share into that account. You will have a debit card and can manage your money yourself. Once it's gone then it's gone. You'll soon learn to stick to budget.

Unfortunately, you cannot be trusted with access to the family pot because you'll take it and spend it. When a family has a member with a spending or gambling problem, that member needs to be kept away from the main pot of money until they learn to stick to a limit.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 01/07/2021 19:40

What does he spend his £40 on?

CastawayQueen · 01/07/2021 19:41

@Sophiewoods

I am supposed to only spend £80 a week, him £40. We owe about £3000 between both our parents
Unless you have a detailed list of what you spend on it’s difficult to say whether you need more money. What is he spending pn? £40 is a lot if it’s only non-consumables and transport.
Quartz2208 · 01/07/2021 19:41

What is your £80 for - shopping household and the kids and what is his £40 for. This does seem a little uneven and perhaps why he is spending less than you

I think you need to both take out the shopping/household/kids stuff work out how much that costs

Basically get a spreadsheet work out costs for everything including an amount for each set of parents and split what is less.

And also talk to your parents - it sounds like you need to budget and both of you need to be realistic in how much you need to spend

CharlieWorkCharlieSad · 01/07/2021 19:42

@Sophiewoods

Yeah we would still be able to pay parents some money but he is very keen to pay them back ASAP and I am more chilled out about it. Especially as it will be easier to pay them back when our children are older and as our parents aren't overly fussed about it doesn't seem like it should be much of a priority atm and we should make it more of a priority in the future when the kids are older
How well do you communicate?

Have you told him all this?

Some times it's not what you say its how you say it.

Original poster
Sophiewoods · 01/07/2021 19:43

yeah I do almost all the shopping and buy almost everything for the kids. Its not like he never buys any food for all of us or buys anything for the kids but I would say I do at least 90% of this

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 19:43

Wow last of the big spenders you are OP, you terrible spendthrift you.

Seriously, let him be responsible for buying everything for the house and you just have the £40 spending money.

CastawayQueen · 01/07/2021 19:46

@Sophiewoods

yeah I do almost all the shopping and buy almost everything for the kids. Its not like he never buys any food for all of us or buys anything for the kids but I would say I do at least 90% of this
In that case he has a lot of spare money sitting around! If someone sails past their budget barely touching it they clearly have over budgeted.

Your initial post about the birthday presents and your cavalier attitude towards debt dont bode well. But you’re less U than originally appeared…

CastawayQueen · 01/07/2021 19:48

Also to add - If you went over budget but he has lots spare - what’s the problem? Surely his could covers yours?
You have double his amount but are shopping for the WHOLE family + kid incidentals. That’s not very even.

chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 19:51

I'm sorry you have had 15 pages of abuse on the relationship board OP. I guess at least if you can't even get your friends a small gift, you will soon be isolated too.

Flowers
singlehun · 01/07/2021 19:54

You're supposed to buy all the food, household stuff and anything the kids need on £80 a week?

Could you keep that money in the essential bills account, and each have £40 fun money?

PostcodeJack · 01/07/2021 19:57

Doing all the shopping isn't the same as paying for all the shopping though. So what do you pay for (other than unnecessary presents) and what does he?

singlehun · 01/07/2021 19:58

@PostcodeJack

Doing all the shopping isn't the same as paying for all the shopping though. So what do you pay for (other than unnecessary presents) and what does he?
She just said - 90% of food, household and stuff for the kids
5zeds · 01/07/2021 20:00

But if you have so little to spend a week for the four of you WHY are you buying presents for friends.

Original poster
Sophiewoods · 01/07/2021 20:02

Idk tbh I should have been more involved with planning it. I accepted we needed to be better with spending and just kinda accepted what he came up with

OP posts:
category12 · 01/07/2021 20:02

I think you need to go back to the budget and really break it down into every little thing. Groceries, household stuff and necessities for the children should come out of the main budget, and not be considered your spending.

As a pp suggested, Martin Lewis' budget tools might be really useful to you for this.

Have everything accounted for and then split whatever is left.

Perhaps reduce the repayments your DH wants to make to your parents, but still make them so you're compromising.

Then stick to your agreements, because you can't expect him to trust you if you continually break your word.

singlehun · 01/07/2021 20:05

Yeah I think you're not totally bought in to this hence going over budget.

Sit down with your husband and redo the budget using the Martin thingy calculator others have mentioned. Come up with a realistic budget that allows each of you the same spare cash for frivolities.

Give your parents what is left.

PostcodeJack · 01/07/2021 20:07

No. She says she does 90% of this. Not pays for it

Original poster
Sophiewoods · 01/07/2021 20:07

@5zeds

But if you have so little to spend a week for the four of you WHY are you buying presents for friends.
Well they both bought me something and I felt a bit bad about not getting them something. Also I was a bit annoyed at having to control my spending so much and kinda bought them impulsively which I know was bad, but I've returned them now and that is an extra £15 and I told my husband this and he just took the £15 off me and said it didn't make any difference as he still thought I was irresponsible
OP posts:
chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 20:08

And get your card back.

Bagelsandbrie · 01/07/2021 20:08

So this £80 a week you have, what’s that actually for? Food, kids, everything? And his is just his own spending money? That doesn’t sound very fair somehow. He’s basically got half your budget to piss away on himself…. !