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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband took my credit card

442 replies

Sophiewoods · 30/06/2021 22:50

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

OP posts:
godmum56 · 01/07/2021 11:47

@Sophiewoods

Ok I see what you mean about the birthday presents I'm going to take them both back
does this sound like a child?
Longestfewdaysupcoming · 01/07/2021 11:51

Sounds like a tantrum to me from someone who has no intention of actually addressing the real issues tbh.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 01/07/2021 11:53

Surely OP would have posted to tell us if any of the various circumstances PPs have suggested, like her money going on necessities for DC or food, applied. People tend to present the version of events that puts themselves in the best light. But OPs said herself that she doesn't believe she needs to bother paying off the debt and has minimised the fact she breaches the agreement they made every single week. I wouldn't trust a partner that did that either. Trust is earnt, not owed.

UserAtLarge · 01/07/2021 11:53

@meanderingthrough

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but it might help reframe the voice in your head to "it's only £5 of someone else's money"
Yes, that's a really good idea. Would OP have been so keen to go over budget if you she had to go and ask her parents for £20? Because she's basically spending their money.
godmum56 · 01/07/2021 11:55

@Longestfewdaysupcoming

Sounds like a tantrum to me from someone who has no intention of actually addressing the real issues tbh.
yes....I was ermmmmm trying to be tactful Grin
starfishmummy · 01/07/2021 11:59

@CandyLeBonBon

I'm getting the feeling there's more to this
Definitely.

Plus usual mumsnet double standards here. If it was the partner overspending then everyone would be telling the OP to take charge of the finances and that would not be considered controlling at all!!

PixelatedLunchbox · 01/07/2021 12:03

Normally I would say he's a controlling prick but it sounds like he is trying to do the best for you both and you are acting like a child seeing what you can get away with.

" We agreed this budget a few months ago, he has stuck to it fairly comfortably every week. I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week

Hmm

The fact that no one is bugging you for the money is irrelevant. Time to work with your DH as a team maybe?

Jaxhog · 01/07/2021 12:05

I don't blame him tbh. If you're pushing the budget every week then what other choice does he have?

BillMasen · 01/07/2021 12:07

@audweb

Astonished people think it’s ok for someone to take a bank card off a grown woman. On what planet is that acceptable? He’s literally not in charge of her. That’s not how this works, this isn’t acceptable. He doesn’t get to make financial decisions without consulting her like this, or treating her like a child.
Women are advised on here all the time to do this with men who repeatedly overspend and are bad with money

Does that astonish you each time too?

looptheloopinahulahoop · 01/07/2021 12:08

I think what you need to do is reorganise your finances.

You each need our own account, into which your respective wages are paid.

You keep the joint account for joint bills, spending for children, and crucially, saving the money to repay your debts.

You each pay an amount into the joint account in proportion to your respective earnings. Whatever is left, is yours. And your account needs to not have an overdraft facility, so you can only spend what's there. When it's gone for the month, it's gone. No credit cards. And no sneakily using the joint account to buy presents for friends.

BillMasen · 01/07/2021 12:09

@Bluntness100

At the outset this seemed to be potentially financially abusive but OP seems to be the one over spending.

Agree, she wrote it that he took her card as she went twenty quid over, then drip fed in she goes over every single week and is in serious debt.

Spot on And still she got a few unquestioning supportive posts. Pleased to see the majority now see this for what it is
BertramLacey · 01/07/2021 12:14

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but it might help reframe the voice in your head to "it's only £5 of someone else's money"

The other thing to do is multiply it in your head. Say that 'it's only £5' five times a week. That's £1300 a year. Now imagine your credit card bill is £1300 smaller. Or 1300 larger, choice is yours.

FortniteBoysMum · 01/07/2021 12:22

If you are consistently going over the agreed budget when he is not and its for non essential purchases his correct. Your parents may not be nagging for their money back but it is a debt that should be repaid ASAP. You could have either said sorry presents are out of my budget this month or bought something cheaper. It's time to get responsible and live within a budget you can afford.

Minezatea · 01/07/2021 12:23

The idea that separating finances will sort this out seems a bit simplistic to me. Their finances are inevitably joint. If she spends so much that she can't transfer the normal amount into the joint bills pot or pay the bills they've agreed she will pay in a fair split of costs, who will? The OP's OH will be significantly affected. If OP cannot pay her share of the mortgage or rent, who do we think will? It's fine if she's a single person and wants to take the risk of repossession or eviction but it is not OK to make someone else have to live with that risk - or more likely, I would think, have to find a way to pay for it himself, even if he then has to go without the things which the OP is having in spades.

Therefore, @looptheloopinahulahoop, I agree in principle but this only works if OP does actually stop spending when she has spent all her fun money for the month. But she's consistently not done so, so what would that change just if the money was in her, rather than a joint, account? Even if she sets up an account with no overdraft facility she will be able to arrange one when she wants (and given her current attitude towards debt and her responsibility to others, I think she will). This will only be sorted when the OP takes responsibility for her own actions and realises the impact she has on others.

Bluntness100 · 01/07/2021 12:35

And still she got a few unquestioning supportive posts. Pleased to see the majority now see this for what it is

And it could be strongly argued that the op is the financially abusive one. She agreed a budget with him, watches smugly whilst he sticks to it, and she goes over every week, and delays paying back her debts, becayse “they aren’t pushing for it”. And now she’s just pissed off she can’t buy crap on Amazon.

RestingPandaFace · 01/07/2021 12:39

It doesn’t matter whether the OP is unreliable with money her DH does not have the right to confiscate her cards and give her pocket money like a child.

He can separate his finances if he wants, he could have a grown up conversation and suggest that they both use cash, or suggest that OP uses cash. He could suggest a Monzo account that you have to top up to use the card, but he shouldn’t take away her property and treat her like a kid, it’s abusive.

covidcloser · 01/07/2021 12:44

It doesn’t matter whether the OP is unreliable with money her DH does not have the right to confiscate her cards and give her pocket money like a child.

She has the same budget as before, just in cash.

They agreed to 'pocket money'

C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2021 12:45

Pleased to see the majority now see this for what it is

Well none of us know what it really is as the OP has omitted the key details from their tale.

But they have achieved > 300 posts mostly making assumptions about it so job done maybe.

LostThings · 01/07/2021 12:47

As long as this doesn't go on forever, does it really matter? Once the debt is repaid presumably he'll give her the card back and she can start buying stuff online again. If he doesn't ... that's when to worry.

RevolutionRadio · 01/07/2021 12:55

Maybe he doesn't want his parents to feel like a bank and is trying to avoid them having ask for their money back, or doesn't want them to feel like you've taken advantage of their generosity. If you've loaned money then you should be proactive in paying it back.

If you're not that bothered about paying your parents back then that's for you to deal with if they start asking for it back.

If you've agreed a budget and you've over spent EVERY week what's the point of having the budget? I'd you'd borrowed from a bank would you have stuck to the budget?

Plinkityplonket · 01/07/2021 13:08

@Sophiewoods, it's really distressing to see the vile assumptions and bullying going on here. Obviouly not by everyone,
but by a lot. It's like mob mentality all drooling over an execution. Truly sickening.

If you're generally a bit bad with money then you do need to try to get on top of that. Although from what I've read, you both overspent and ended up needing help. I dont think that warrants having your card taking away, what it needs is further discussion. A blanket decision by him is controlling.

If you've divided up extra income and have found out that its not as simple as a straight down the middle split, that also needs further discussion, ie you have the kids more, spend on them more, spend on household more etc.

What does his half go on? Entertaining the kids? Is it easier for him to stay within budget because he isn't as active with them? Does he take friends out for drinks? Buy any of his friends gifts? What does he spend on? It all needs more discussion, not simply a decision by him.

gemmasaurus · 01/07/2021 13:09

IMO I think you should have separate accounts, no one should be punished in this way, money is an essential part of daily living.

covidcloser · 01/07/2021 13:11

it's really distressing to see the vile assumptions and bullying going on here.

Vile assumptions? You mean varied points of view? Possible scenarios?

Bullying? Nobody is bullying anyone.

Minezatea · 01/07/2021 13:13

A blanket decision by him is controlling.

Why is a blanket decision by the OP not to stick to the mutually agreed budgets not also controlling? She is stopping them paying back debt at the rate they agreed they would. Sounds like controlling behaviour to me.

CastawayQueen · 01/07/2021 13:17

£10 says this thread is taken down by 5 p.m for being ‘outing’

@RestingPandaFace
she’s behaving like a kid. And it’s the exact same amount of money that he has