Will he change his mind about hating our unborn baby?

[areforumsstillathing]

I have been with my DP for 7 years and I recently fell pregnant (which was planned by both of us).

Shortly after discovering the news he decided he didn’t want a child and asked me to have an abortion. I refused of course but he has been angry and negative about it since. I’m now 30 weeks and there has been no change in his attitude. He tells me when the baby comes it’s likely he will walk away as doesn’t want to be a father and he can’t see that changing. He says he has no positive feelings towards the baby and only sees it as a negative and he already hates it. He barely talks about it and whenever I bring it up he either gets quiet or angry.

I’m pretty sure his mum is a big factor in his attitude - when finding out the news of my pregnancy from my DP, all she said was “I thought you didn’t want children” and hasn’t mentioned it since!

He has told me in the past he never saw himself having children but because I wanted them said he was willing to do it. However, I want to make it clear I did not force him into this, it was planned and agreed we would try for kids for a long time (years) and I gave him plenty of opportunities to leave the relationship if it was definitely not what he wanted.

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so what happened? Did your DP change his mind after he saw and held the child or was there no change?

Sorry to hear you're going through this op.
But tbh you should have walked away from him by now. The question is not whether or not his attitude will change. It's why you are staying with a man who has behaved as hateful towards you as he has?

It's worth noting that many abusive men do not become abusive until they feel you are trapped by a baby. At any point he could end things yet instead he is choosing to hold a dagger over your head making you worried sick during a vulnerable time. Nice men, good men, hell, half way decent men would never do this. Its nasty, its cowardly and it's wrong.

You would be wise yo take steps to leave him before baby arrives and you're too tired.

Tou have nothing to prove to him and he has everything to prove to you. But right now, raising your baby in a safe, healthy environment needs to be your number one priority. And this guy...well, he's a dickhead, get rid.

I'd get off MN right now and be off packing his bag for him
Sounds as if his mums is the perfect place for him to be

Do you have somewhere to go? None of us know what is going to happen but there are plenty of threads on here where the woman gets told she should have left earlier. He won't change his mind and a line that is always said on here is, 'when somebody tells you who they are, listen.'

I agree with above poster, whether he changes his mind or not isn't really the issue here. I think you need to really consider moving out/ moving him out, and beginning this next stage of your life without him.
His attitude right now is not OK, and even if he does change his mind and then spend the next 6 months apologising and making it up to you, you are still within your rights to end the relationship.

He has said he hates your (his) baby.

That would be the last thing he said to me.

Sorry you're going through this, it will be easier without him.

He needs to be gone NOW. He’s a nasty cunt. He can have all the doubts in the world - totally normal - but his behaviour is utterly nasty. Get rid, start moving forward to a lovely life with your new baba and people around you who love and support you.

Did your DP change his mind after he saw and held the child or was there no change?

I wouldn't be waiting to find out. When someone tells you who they really are, listen.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Please please please kick him out. You can't spend the next 8 months(?) wondering if he will change his mind and not daring to mention the baby.
A good man and potential half decent father would not be putting your through this. Send him back to his mum - they deserve each other.
What sort of position are you in housing wise?

Hate is such a strong feeling towards an unborn baby. I think I would also be walking away.

You need the end of your pregnancy and new newborn weeks to feel safe and comfortable and enable you to bond with your baby. His negative feeling are going to end up even more irrelevant and I would be concerned that he will spoil this important time if he is there moaning about not wanting any of it.

I would tell him to have some space until the birth to get counselling and prove that he can step. If he can't do any of that at the moment then the best thing for your child is not to be around him until he can.

Sorry about the typos! Just reread your op - he said he hates your unborn child? He is dangerous, get the hell out of there.

Congratulations 🎉

As for your relationship, I'd be telling him to go back to his Mums. Having a newborn can be difficult enough without having a man child who 'hates' (that's a very strong word) the child

Crikey, I can't believe you are still with him.
Leave or chuck him out.

And he sounds immature and selfish

Sorry for the language….but why the ACTUAL FUCK are you still with him?!
Get him the fuck out TODAY!
When baby arrives give them your surname please!!
Then apply for CMS and don’t let this shithead get away with not supporting the baby.

I wouldn't give him a chance to change his mind when he sees the baby.
I couldn't forgive his reaction and the stress he is putting you under right now.
You put your cards on the table and he knew you wanted a child, you both planned the baby, for him to change his mind now is absolutely not ok.
I fear you will always resent this and he will use it as a tool to throw at you in the future "I never even wanted the baby" if you are having sleepless nights etc instead of actually supporting you.

He needs to go. Can you imaging trying to care for you baby day and night with him and his hideous attitude breathing down your neck? What a terrible atmosphere for you and your baby.

IME men like this get worse not better, dangerous even. Not only do they hate the baby, they resent the attention they get from you.

If he wont go, you need to leave. Now.

He’s told you what he’s thinking and how he’s feeling. He ought to be ashamed of his despicable behaviour, but he’s not.
It will be much easier for you to separate now as having his Nasty attitude when the new baby is here will be very hard for you.
It’s better if you can establish new routines without him as well as having a more emotionally peaceful Environment.

I'd start planning to separate before the baby is born and definitely give the baby your surname!

Goodness OP what has happened to you such that you set your bar so low? He hates your baby ffs, run and don’t look back.

In a word no. My cousin accidentally got pregnant, her husband was fuming -they have had no other children before or since. He won’t care for the child or directly contribute financially. If the child wants a drink or food and his mum is busy, then dad tells to wait and his mum does it.

Child is now at primary school and dad has little to do with him despite living in the same house. Confused as to why my cousins tolerates it as l wouldn’t

What are your feelings about him @areforumsstillathing? Do you love him or admire him?

It seems to me that he is betraying you with his appalling attitude to your pregnancy. He sounds selfish and juvenile, how is he ever going to become the loving supportive father your child will need?

It's too easy to blame his mother for his lack of care and love. He must take the responsibility for his own actions, without excuses being made for him.

Stop facilitating his self centred behaviour, it's very unlikely that he will change and become a positive force in your child's life as you are hoping.

You would be better with him out of your life, so that you can build the loving environment your child deserves, and move forward to a happier life for yourself.

Eek. I'm not saying the other posters are wrong at all as what your DP is saying and how he is acting is obviously really concerning and distressing. His priority should be you and your child. That said, I am sort of in your DPs mindset, except I am the pregnant one!

I always thought I'd be ok with another baby, but once I became pregnant my feeling drastically changed and I don't recognise myself anymore. I'm now 25 weeks and have been in contact with the peri natal mental health team trying to get some support to help work through and understand my feelings of despair at this pregnancy. My reaction has blindsided me to be honest, I don't understand where it has come from and I struggle to come to terms with my feelings. My DP and midwifery team have been very supportive but I haven't really been able to share my difficulties with family or friends as they struggle to understand.

I'm not saying your partner is in the same position, as it's totally different being the expectant mother and father, but what I'm saying is that sometimes strong, unexpected emotional reactions are not just someone being a total dickhead, but are a manifestation of other stuff. Although in his shoes he should really be seeking some help and trying to work through how he feels and why instead of shutting down any conversation about it.

I really hope this isn't spoiling your pregnancy and that you are getting support elsewhere? And yes, if your partner says he wants to leave and isn't going to seek any help about his feelings, you're better off planning a life without him in it.

Oh, I'm sorry he has treated you this way. You must have had hopes and dreams of what your pregnancy would be like, and I'm sure this has been more like a nightmare.

It's not unheard of that men will change their mind about having a baby, in either direction. Do you think he agreed to try but never really thought it would happen?

It's good you found out about this now. As painful as it is, it's given you time to prepare mentally for being a single parent. None of us know, him included, how he'll actually feel once your baby is here, but you need to be ready to do this without him. I hope you have family and friends to support you, but you are strong enough to do this on your own. It must have been so hard being in this situation for the last 7 months, but you've handled it this far. Moving forward won't be easy, but you can do it.

My father walked out on my mother 3 weeks before I was born. He came back 6 weeks later, but she never considered giving him another chance. She's always said she fell totally in love in those first days alone with me, and that she realized if he could walk away so easily, he could turn his back on us again. She didn't want or need someone like that and would be better off alone. She was only 22, but was divorced before my first birthday. That happened in 1960, and we did just fine. So will you and your baby.

Good luck and much happiness with your child.

OP,

You need protecting from him.

Get you finances in order.

You will not want to be trying to organise yourself with a new baby.

Have your reached out to family and friends?

He and his mother sound awful.

Please take action to protect yourself from him.

Thanks for everyone's kind words. Makes me feel a bit silly reading all these replies - I honestly didn't realise it was that bad even though it has been a huge toll on my mental health. I always try to think things could be worse etc etc.

I think I've been in denial because of my financial position. It's not as simple as kicking him out, I live in his house and he financially supports me since I gave up my job to move to be with him. I then worked for him on an unofficial basis until recently. So I now feel a bit stuck as not sure how easy it will be to find a job while pregnant or with a newborn and with no official career evidence for the past 7 years. I realise I've been incredibly stupid by getting myself into this position! I have some savings but they won't last long.