Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Will he change his mind about hating our unborn baby?

148 replies

areforumsstillathing · 30/06/2021 16:17

I have been with my DP for 7 years and I recently fell pregnant (which was planned by both of us).

Shortly after discovering the news he decided he didn’t want a child and asked me to have an abortion. I refused of course but he has been angry and negative about it since. I’m now 30 weeks and there has been no change in his attitude. He tells me when the baby comes it’s likely he will walk away as doesn’t want to be a father and he can’t see that changing. He says he has no positive feelings towards the baby and only sees it as a negative and he already hates it. He barely talks about it and whenever I bring it up he either gets quiet or angry.

I’m pretty sure his mum is a big factor in his attitude - when finding out the news of my pregnancy from my DP, all she said was “I thought you didn’t want children” and hasn’t mentioned it since!

He has told me in the past he never saw himself having children but because I wanted them said he was willing to do it. However, I want to make it clear I did not force him into this, it was planned and agreed we would try for kids for a long time (years) and I gave him plenty of opportunities to leave the relationship if it was definitely not what he wanted.

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so what happened? Did your DP change his mind after he saw and held the child or was there no change?

OP posts:
Mamamamasaurus · 01/07/2021 10:09

He's shown you who he is. Believe him. It won't get better.

BiBabbles · 01/07/2021 10:15

It is far far more likely that his emotions will fester to be more negative. Parents who don't want their children are less able to cope with the ups and downs of parenting and more likely to abuse their child.

I'm an unwanted daughter. My mother didn't want me, wouldn't even discuss naming me for several days after I was born. No one thought she could really be dangerous, that she was just stressed, she didn't really mean it, she'd learned to love me and taken care of me for so long...

And then she tried to kill me. That was after she'd actively been trying to get me to kill myself - like opening my bedroom window and telling me if I had any human emotions, I'd remove the burden of myself from her, climb out, and jump head first...and that was after years of telling me how unwanted and how better the world would be without me. She's the same woman who made cookie pies and costumes for school events and all the parenting things - it just never made her feel any better about the situation.

As is often said on here - when someone tells you who they are, listen and in this case, I agree with others that no matter what happens now, he is risky. Even if he now makes an appearance of dealing with his feelings and doing all the things, his words will be in your mind and that higher risk will be there.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2021 10:20

I'm so sorry OP, you really do need to do everything in your power to leave though, would your dad let you stay with him until you can get a council house/flat? You shouldn't bring your baby into this world living with a father who has already said he hates her/him

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2021 10:22

@BiBabbles Jesus, that's horrific, I hope you're OK now and have gotten some help to deal with all that happened to you

peanutttttt · 01/07/2021 10:53

Leave his ass.

gemmasaurus · 01/07/2021 13:20

Wow, he sounds like a little mummy's boy! He doesn't sound like a normal adult, I think you should really consider your whole life here, you need to protect this unborn child and give him/her the best chance in life, which involves love! He really doesn't deserve to be in your life or your child's. I wouldn't even let him or his mum get a look at baby when it's born, I'd get away from him now! Sounds like he could cause you trouble that you don't need!

areforumsstillathing · 01/07/2021 14:58

No he’s never been so nasty and cruel before this pregnancy - a lot of the things he’s said was while drunk but I know that’s no excuse.

@confusednewmum1 thanks for sharing, your story sounds very similar to how he’s been acting. I agree he needs space, time and professional help to figure out what he wants - then he’ll have to make a huge case for returning to our lives if he wants to.

I’m not blaming his mother for his behaviour I’m just saying I think it’s had an effect. In no way does it excuse what he’s doing now though.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad the plan up to now was that he was going to be present for the birth, he was also hoping it would help. If I leave though I don’t know if he will be. He 100% needs counselling.

@ThatsNotMyReindeer he used to pay me a salary (very fair salary in line with what I was earning previously) but now we just share credit cards. He’s never withheld money from me or used it against me. He hasn’t said I’ll be financially screwed without him.

@ChargingBuck I’m not making excuses for him but yes I do hope he’ll change as think people are capable of being better if they are willing to try and get help etc. But I totally agree his behaviour is completely unacceptable and so I do plan to leave before the baby comes to give myself a better environment and him the opportunity to sort his shit out.

I am back in the U.K. now.

I understand all your safety concerns, I would not be leaving the baby alone with him with his attitude as it is now. Relationship wise yes I agree he’s not being the kind of partner I want anyway and this needs to change regardless of whether he changes his mind about the baby. This thread has helped me realise that I want and deserve better so thank you all!

OP posts:
Saidtoomuch · 01/07/2021 15:28

Just read all of your updates @areforumsstillathing. Just remember that it will be a lot easier to rejig your life now than it will when you are heavily pregnant, or have a baby in tow.

Echobelly · 01/07/2021 15:32

Glad to hear it OP, all strength for the future with this baby that can grow up knowing it's loved x

Strikethrough · 01/07/2021 16:26

It is heartening to read your update OP, especially that you are going to leave him (you've said, quite rightly, that he would have to make a huge case to return to your lives, so I'm assuming that means you're leaving him now) and that you are in the UK.

He tells me when the baby comes it’s likely he will walk away as doesn’t want to be a father and he can’t see that changing. He says he has no positive feelings towards the baby and only sees it as a negative and he already hates it. He barely talks about it and whenever I bring it up he either gets quiet or angry.

You need to change the balance of control here. Up until now your partner has had control of both you and your relationship. It is astounding that he expects you to stay with him after he has said the above things - he has quite literally told you that he is dangling you, your feelings and your future on a string, and oh yeah, he hates your baby, and oh yeah, he's not prepared to do anything constructive to attempt to sort this out. How monumentally cruel he is.

You need to take back control of your life and your baby's life (your partner is welcome to retain control of his own!). He cannot possibly object to you doing so, given that he openly hates the child. He cannot be expecting you to stay with him and subject the child to that (or even the possibility of that, though he says himself he doesn't think his feelings will change - believe him) or to be in a relationship with a man who feels that way about your child.

Contact Women's Aid. Make a plan to leave, perhaps with the help of your dad. Do not tell your partner you are doing this - men often become more dangerous around times they think you are trapped (note: you've said he was never like this before you got pregnant which is no surprise as that's a common time for abuse to either start or to ramp up, marriage is another one) or going to leave. You never expected he would be like this, don't make the same mistake assuming he will be fine with you leaving him.

Do not have him at the birth. The point of a birth partner is to support the mother (imagine how awful he would be at that), it is not a spectator sport for men who hate the child being delivered.

Do not have him named on the birth certificate (because this will give him parental responsibility for the child that he hates, you can apply for child maintenance without him being on the birth certificate). He can apply to have his name added if he chooses to. Do not give the baby his surname (again, you can change this later if he has a sudden personality transplant and becomes the world's best father - and if, in this case, you are able to forgive him for his behaviour now).

If he grows up, gets therapy, takes responsibility for his child, supports you as the coparent, and has a change of heart then you can consider allowing him to be involved with his child. If he begs you for forgiveness and demonstrates consistently that he wants to be a good father and partner (and is actually capable of doing so) then you can consider getting back together (I'm guessing it would take a couple of years at least for him to prove all this to you, and even then I'd be incredibly wary). But change the status quo from "we are together and I will put up with whatever shit you throw at me and our baby" to "I do not want to be with someone like you so I am leaving, because me and the baby deserve better".

pallisers · 01/07/2021 16:41

every word strikethrough said is what you need to do.

do not be tempted to put him on the birth cert and give the baby his name in the hopes it will make him love the baby he says he hates. it won't work.

Hen2018 · 01/07/2021 17:09

Believe me, you don’t want someone like that as a birth partner.

ActonBell · 01/07/2021 19:44

Agree with @Strikethrough - great advice there.

You mention he’s said some things while he’s drunk. How often is he drunk? This sounds like another real safety concern for you and the baby.

One thing you need to remember is that tiny babies and the sleep deprivation that comes with them can drive even reasonable and loving parents to unreasonable thoughts. Most times a reasonable and loving parent can deal with these moments by stepping away for minute, asking for help and support, or even something like shouting into a pillow after the baby’s asleep - something that helps you but can’t harm the baby. New babies are amazing but super hard work.

The trouble is if someone isn’t prepared to be a reasonable and loving parent they can react in anger and frustration in ways that can harm the baby. It only takes a second with a newborn. I’m not saying this to scare you but just to reinforce that you need some space from him and support for you.

Sending strength op.

RaginaFalangi · 01/07/2021 19:55

@66babe

I'd get off MN right now and be off packing his bag for him Sounds as if his mums is the perfect place for him to be
100% This ^
areforumsstillathing · 02/07/2021 00:50

@Strikethrough Thank you, and I agree with everything you said, especially:

You need to take back control of your life and your baby's life

I've always known I'll leave if things aren't right by the time the baby is here as putting myself through abuse is one thing but a baby is another. I know all too well how affected kids are by shitty parents (not me as the affected child directly but people I am close to). But I'm taking on board comments saying its 100x harder to leave when the baby is here and I'm sleep deprived and going insane, so 100% makes sense to make a plan and get myself sorted now.

@ActonBell he's not drunk that often but it definitely seems to bring out the worst in him when he is. Again not great around a child!

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 02/07/2021 17:27

I'm sorry but I'd leave now too.

It will be easier to plan when the baby isn't here.

Speak to your family about the situation. Be completely honest. Don't cover for him.

ChargingBuck · 02/07/2021 19:07

@SunnySideDownBriefly

It does sound as though his DM is possibly at the root of this.

You have got some power - if he really can't bond with the baby after this then you can at least tell him that you will leave but in return you need X amount of money to set yourself up, that child maintenance payments will be through the CMS and you need him to agree that you were working for him in X position for X number of years. He must be your Referee whenever you need it and not let you down on this. It could potentially be managed amicably but it is going to be very difficult as it's an emotionally charged situation. If I were you, I would be mentally prepping that you will be splitting and doing my best to cope with this before the baby is born. Don't hold out for him bonding because he sounds stubborn and you are just going to have your heart broken all over again.

So sorry you're going through this but you need to gather your strength to protect you and your baby.

Apologies in advance Sunny as your concern & helpfulness are shining though your post.

But it is unwise to advise OP to stay until the baby arrives, & ridiculous to tell her to negotiate.

She has nothing to negotiate with. Her b/f holds all the cards.
His roof, his business, his money, his home town ...

He must ... not let you down on this isn't a contract OP is in any position to enforce.
Her strength lies back in her own home town, where she can pick up threads with old friends & be supported by them/mum/dad.

Bythemillpond · 02/07/2021 19:14

Just to reiterate, please do not put this sperm donor on the babies birth certificate.

You will be opening a whole can of worms that you don’t want to delve into.

ChargingBuck · 02/07/2021 19:15

@BiBabbles

There are more mothers like this than folk would wish to imagine.
All credit to you for surviving. And not in the purely bodily sense ... what you have endured would try the sanity of a venerable buddhist monk.

Flowers
cricketmum84 · 02/07/2021 19:16

Walk. 100%. Do you want to bring up a child in an environment where one parent regrets them?? You need to put your baby first.

ChargingBuck · 02/07/2021 19:23

@66babe

<strong>I'd get off MN right now and be off packing his bag for him</strong>
<strong>Sounds as if his mums is the perfect place for him to be</strong>

@RaginaFalangi 100% This ^

4As he is reluctant to even give OP a baby, I hardly think he is going to give her his house.
Or exit it in to live with his mother, who he says told him she wishes she'd never had him.

ChargingBuck · 02/07/2021 19:30

OP just caught your updates.
You are sounding as strong & positive as these sad circumstances allow ... please read @Strikethrough's post again & again when you get tired & feel your resilience fading.

"No excuses", (for him) - that's the ticket.
I wish you & your baby health & happiness x
Flowers

areforumsstillathing · 03/07/2021 04:27

@ChargingBuck

OP just caught your updates. You are sounding as strong & positive as these sad circumstances allow ... please read *@Strikethrough*'s post again & again when you get tired & feel your resilience fading.

"No excuses", (for him) - that's the ticket.
I wish you & your baby health & happiness x
Flowers

Thank you. I'm feeling much stronger now than I was before posting :)
OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page