Will he change his mind about hating our unborn baby?

[areforumsstillathing]

I have been with my DP for 7 years and I recently fell pregnant (which was planned by both of us).

Shortly after discovering the news he decided he didn’t want a child and asked me to have an abortion. I refused of course but he has been angry and negative about it since. I’m now 30 weeks and there has been no change in his attitude. He tells me when the baby comes it’s likely he will walk away as doesn’t want to be a father and he can’t see that changing. He says he has no positive feelings towards the baby and only sees it as a negative and he already hates it. He barely talks about it and whenever I bring it up he either gets quiet or angry.

I’m pretty sure his mum is a big factor in his attitude - when finding out the news of my pregnancy from my DP, all she said was “I thought you didn’t want children” and hasn’t mentioned it since!

He has told me in the past he never saw himself having children but because I wanted them said he was willing to do it. However, I want to make it clear I did not force him into this, it was planned and agreed we would try for kids for a long time (years) and I gave him plenty of opportunities to leave the relationship if it was definitely not what he wanted.

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so what happened? Did your DP change his mind after he saw and held the child or was there no change?

Please call Woman's aid immediately.

You are so vulnerable.

You need advice, more than I can give.

@ThatWasCrazy

Eek. I'm not saying the other posters are wrong at all as what your DP is saying and how he is acting is obviously really concerning and distressing. His priority should be you and your child. That said, I am sort of in your DPs mindset, except I am the pregnant one!

I always thought I'd be ok with another baby, but once I became pregnant my feeling drastically changed and I don't recognise myself anymore. I'm now 25 weeks and have been in contact with the peri natal mental health team trying to get some support to help work through and understand my feelings of despair at this pregnancy. My reaction has blindsided me to be honest, I don't understand where it has come from and I struggle to come to terms with my feelings. My DP and midwifery team have been very supportive but I haven't really been able to share my difficulties with family or friends as they struggle to understand.

I'm not saying your partner is in the same position, as it's totally different being the expectant mother and father, but what I'm saying is that sometimes strong, unexpected emotional reactions are not just someone being a total dickhead, but are a manifestation of other stuff. Although in his shoes he should really be seeking some help and trying to work through how he feels and why instead of shutting down any conversation about it.

I really hope this isn't spoiling your pregnancy and that you are getting support elsewhere? And yes, if your partner says he wants to leave and isn't going to seek any help about his feelings, you're better off planning a life without him in it.

I feel for your position and side of things and have tried to sympathise with my DP too. But you're trying to work through your feelings and get help, whereas he is basically saying it's my problem and he will essentially wash his hands of the situation if he feels the same after the birth. He hasn't even tried to seek help.

Do you have a mother or father that you could move in with? Are they local to you? You say you moved away to be with him. If that’s the case I would pack my bags and leave. This is apparently easier to do now than when the baby is born as then he will have more say in making the two of you stay local. Even if he hates the baby don’t be surprised if he forces you to stay to punish you in some way.

I wouldn’t hesitate I’d ring family and pack when they arrive at your door.

Do you have any friends or family you could go to for help? I also recommend contacting Women's Aid. You are in a very vulnerable position OP, which I'm sure you are already aware.

Please start making preparations to leave before the baby arrives. For you and your child's welfare. Please do not try to involve the father in your child's life. My friend did this and it eventually ended with him in court for assault and a restraining order.

Protect yourself.

But, even more, protect your unborn child.
No child should be aware that a parent doesn't want them, and would rather they were dead.

I thought he would change his mind. Warm to her once she was born.
He's never been unkind. But she's always been aware that she's unwanted.
The damage to her mental health will probably be lifelong. Even though I walked before she was 2.

Don't make the mistake that I did, that I will regret for the rest of my life. Don't expose your newborn perfect baby to someone who would rather she didn't exist.

He has said that he hates your baby.

He is doing his utmost to ruin the joy you should be feeling awaiting your baby being born.

He would not be getting the chance to change his mind.

He is so far from a decent man, the only thing he will have in. Omnibus with such men is an Adam’s apple.

Call women’s aid.

There is so much help out there for you. Reach out for it.

Don’t allow your child to be openly resented by one parent. It makes for a heavy burden for that child to carry through life.

Oh this is so shit OP but like many others have already said, why are you still with a man who says he hates you/your baby.

Common. Not omnibus.

I’m sorry. Weird autocorrect.

Firstly, look what you're entitled to.

I'm sure you will be entitled to something.

I wouldn't give him the chance to change in all honesty. I couldn't forgive someone bad mouthing/ feeling negative about my child.

You've given him his opportunity. He doesn't want it, so he doesn't get it.

I know we all love our babies when carrying them and protecting them but once your baby is born the protection and love you feel for them is next level. You can't even describe it. Once your baby is here you'll understand what a cunt he is.

This man is dangerous, and you should never allow him near this baby. You have got to take the blinders off and get out of there.

Run like the wind, OP. He won’t change; if he thinks it’s okay to say those kinds of things to you now, he’ll think it’s okay to say anything he likes to you in the future, no matter how unloving or unacceptable.

I have a bit of experience of something a little like this, and it really won’t improve, he’ll never have that moment where he realises you don’t ever say things like that to someone you love. Save yourself a lot of heartache by getting out now. Kick him out, enjoy your lovely baby, and look forward to finding someone else much better some time in the future.

Please please please leave before your baby arrives.

For the first 6 months after my DD was born my husband could have raped and hit me and I wouldn’t have left, I struggled.
I’m lucky,DH didn’t do that. But it’ll be a million times harder once DC is born.

Just leave. As soon as you can.

Make your plans to leave now
Can you stay with family or friends?

Frankly if he was my partner I wouldn't give a shit if he changed his mind or not. If he spoke about my child like that his bags would be packed and his arse would be out. What an absolute twat

I realise I've been incredibly stupid by getting myself into this position!

I don't want to kick you while you're down but fuck me, you moved to be with him and work 'unofficially' in his company??
Get the fuck out. Go stay with family or friends and claim benefits until the baby is old enough to get a job. Claim maintenance. He's a terrible cunt and you're in a horribly vulnerable position but you can change it NOW if you choose.

Have you got any real life support. I would be concerned about what would happen if you end up having a c section and need to rely on him to help you care for baby and yourself. I also think that you need to consider your self esteem and love for your baby. My toddler is snoring next to me right now (she's poorly) and she is my whole world. If anyone said they hated her they wouldn't be in our lives. I don't see how that could possibly work for you when baby comes and hope you find some support before you give birth so that this idiot doesn't ruin the end of your pregnancy and early newborn days. If he hates baby already how will he feel when it's shat everywhere, projectile vomited on his things and screams through the night.

Why are you still with him?

Yes leave him. No decent man would agree to try for a baby for your sake and then be this nasty. Have doubts, quite possibly, but claim to hate the baby - that's scary and very worrying.

The partner of a friend of mine claimed she had tricked or forced him into having a baby. This after they had jointly gone for fertility treatment, even though the baby was conceived naturally in the end. He left her before the baby was born, then caused a lot of trouble by turning up years later wanting contact. Which he eventually got but was unreliable, his child hated him and it all fizzled out. Don't put him on the birth certificate then he won't have the same rights (I don't think).

Even if your position was unofficial, you can and should still list it on your CV.
Try and make plans for moving out of his house now, before the baby, please take care of yourself, and good luck!

No, he won't change his mind.

You and your child will be far better off without him.

You’re about to become a parent, at some point you need to get your shit together. Fingers crossed is not a strategy and is exactly how you’ve got yourself into this position.

Essentially you ‘planned’ a baby with someone who was at best indifferent and who has now become downright hostile.

Ring Women's Aid / Shelter asap. You cannot stay with him or in his house, this is REALLY bad. I'm so sorry, look after yourself x

I found it is far, far easier being a single mum with no money than being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you or your child. If you don’t believe you deserve better you must believe your child does. You don’t start becoming a loving mum when your child is born, you start now so it’s born into a world knowing it’s loved. If you’re hoping he changes and wants to be a parent he still can but waiting to see if that happens is not the right thing to do. I’m so sorry you have such a difficult choice to make

What will you do if he throws you out once the baby is born?
Is it not better to plan and be in control rather than wait anxiously every day in case this is the day you and your baby are homeless?

And let's not even get into the damage done to a child growing up with a parent who hates them or resents them or simply doesn't give a shot about them.

This isn't something you can take no action on and just cross your fingers and hope he changes his mind.

OK,you are in a bad (trapped) position. I would worry he told you he wanted a baby until you were pregnant and then changed his mind, making you "grateful" for his support...

Speak to woman's aid. Look into what benefits you are entitled to. Sooner or later you will be a single parent so start looking what you could do now.

Don't hide the situation from friends / family, that benefits him - be brutally honest "he said he wanted a baby and this was a planned, deliberate pregnancy, but he's changed his mind since we found our im pregnant and is angry I didn't have an abortion." (I'd tell his mum that too.)

He shouldn't be shielded from feeling shame for his behaviour.