Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will he change his mind about hating our unborn baby?

148 replies

areforumsstillathing · 30/06/2021 16:17

I have been with my DP for 7 years and I recently fell pregnant (which was planned by both of us).

Shortly after discovering the news he decided he didn’t want a child and asked me to have an abortion. I refused of course but he has been angry and negative about it since. I’m now 30 weeks and there has been no change in his attitude. He tells me when the baby comes it’s likely he will walk away as doesn’t want to be a father and he can’t see that changing. He says he has no positive feelings towards the baby and only sees it as a negative and he already hates it. He barely talks about it and whenever I bring it up he either gets quiet or angry.

I’m pretty sure his mum is a big factor in his attitude - when finding out the news of my pregnancy from my DP, all she said was “I thought you didn’t want children” and hasn’t mentioned it since!

He has told me in the past he never saw himself having children but because I wanted them said he was willing to do it. However, I want to make it clear I did not force him into this, it was planned and agreed we would try for kids for a long time (years) and I gave him plenty of opportunities to leave the relationship if it was definitely not what he wanted.

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so what happened? Did your DP change his mind after he saw and held the child or was there no change?

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 30/06/2021 20:43

Only ever knew of one man who publicly said he didn't want to be a father. Abortion not legal then so they had the baby anyway. When baby girl was six months old mother left her in care of father while she ran some errands (gone about two hours.) Father left baby in high chair and baby managed to flip high chair over, falling and breaking her neck. Declared an accidental death. Parents separated and divorced immediately.

AppealingPeel · 30/06/2021 20:45

Leave now. You're incredibly vulnerable but you're about to become even more vulnerable. A court can't stop you leaving now but they can once they baby is born. If a strange man told you they hated your baby would you stick around to see what happened? No! You shouldn't put up with this from any man. He's a threat. Go home OP - while you still can.

cosmicbabe · 30/06/2021 20:45

No he won't change. My Ex begged me for an Abortion for the first 12 weeks.... Then told me if it was a girl he would defiantly be gone. It was a boy. Honestly the whole experience was awful. He finally left us when our son turned 1...

However, now our son is older he has now decided he wants him and is threatening me with a custody case to take him off me.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Good luck OP xx

NautaOcts · 30/06/2021 20:46

Gosh OP I’m really sorry ☹️
Whether he changes how he feels when the baby is here or not, can you forgive him for acting this way when he must know how upsetting it is for you?
My DH was not that enthusiastic about kids before we had them, but was supportive to me and was on board with the plan so would never have dreamt of going back on the plans and asking me to have an abortion.
For what it’s worth he was smitten as soon as he saw our daughter.

mam0918 · 30/06/2021 20:47

My first born was a suprise as Im infertile and he was naturally conceieved.

My DH (then just boyfriend) didnt take it well as he had never planned on having kids. He would never have suggested abortion (because he knew that would be the end of us if he even mentioned it) but all through the pregnancy he said how he didnt want the baby he just wanted me.

From the second DS was born he has been smitten though, hes a doting dad and did a complete 180 on his views of children, we now have 3 (one concieved deliberately via IVF at great expense) and when we suffered a MMC he was utterly devistated and still get upset over the baby and wondering what would have been.

ThatWasCrazy · 30/06/2021 20:47

I feel for your position and side of things and have tried to sympathise with my DP too. But you're trying to work through your feelings and get help, whereas he is basically saying it's my problem and he will essentially wash his hands of the situation if he feels the same after the birth. He hasn't even tried to seek help

That's it exactly. He's not even bothered that he feels this way and isn't trying to help or change the situation at all. That's immensely worrying.

I can understand how difficult this feels at this stage, pregnant, vulnerable and reliant upon him but as others have said it's so, so much harder with a newborn. If you have any friends or family, explain your situation to them. Someone will surely be willing to help you and you can be settled somewhere safe when the baby comes. If you haven't got friends or family to turn to, urgently seek advice from your midwife. They should be able to help.

Wishing you lots and lots of luck. Flowers

FunMcCool · 30/06/2021 20:49

Can you go home to your mum/dad?

ActonBell · 30/06/2021 20:49

I can only imagine how hard and scary it must be to think about setting up on your own at this stage but everything you have said suggests you need to do this for the safety and well-being of yourself and your child.

Yes to the suggestions of Women’s Aid and Shelter. Also the Citizens Advice Bureau, the local council, the local foodbank, the local church. All of these could be routes for support. Please, please speak to your midwife too. If they are any good they will understand that this is a potentially dangerous situation for you.

Gather together paperwork you may need - bank statements, passport, etc. Don’t let him know what you are doing until you have spoken to someone and have some advice about where you can go. Don’t feel you have to cope with this in silence - tell people and ask for their support. When you tell him you are leaving you might want to think about having a friend present or simply leave and speak to him by phone. Avoid putting yourself at risk.

Thinking of you op Flowers

Hen2018 · 30/06/2021 20:58

My ex husband was like this. He purposefully turned away in the scan room so he couldn’t see the screen. Later in the pregnancy, he decided the baby wasn’t his.

I felt trapped too. I ended up having to run away to a women’s refuge when my child was 17 months.

Please speak to Women’s Aid. I preferred emailing them so that is another option.

Maddison12 · 30/06/2021 20:58

He's shown you who he is. No he won't 'come round' when the baby is born.

OP this should be a wonderful time for you but instead you're literally just sitting there waiting for him to throw you out on the street when baby is born.

I wouldn't be sticking around to find out. What if he harms the baby?

Call women's aid they'll help with accommodation, benefits etc. You might be able to get a council house. Please stop being dependent and reliant on this awful manFlowers

Calmyertits · 30/06/2021 21:01

Id get him gone now. Dont wait until youre alone with a newborn and letting him make your life 10 times harder. If hes told you hes probably going to FO anyway don't sit and wait for it and then do a pick me dance. Make sure you go through CMS aswell. You cant live together and him pretend theres no baby in the house, you need someone whose not a grade A cock with you when you give birth and youll have enough on your plate. Go let him cry to his mummy. Dont put him on BC either

Verbena87 · 30/06/2021 21:02

You could speak to your midwife too - they ask if you feel safe at home. I think his abusive language would make me feel unsafe and worry about baby’s safety. Midwife may be able to signpost you to decent support and record his comments on file.

namcybotwinbloom · 30/06/2021 21:05

@Aquamarine1029

This man is dangerous, and you should never allow him near this baby. You have got to take the blinders off and get out of there.
I agree.

Get out. Can you go to your parents?

Topseyt · 30/06/2021 21:23

You and your baby won't be safe around him after the birth.

Please leave him. Do you have family you could confide in and go to? Parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins?

Topseyt · 30/06/2021 21:33

Also, when your baby is born give them your surname. Not his. Do not put his name on the birth certificate as that would give him parental responsibility, which you certainly don't want.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 30/06/2021 21:34

Good point,your name only. You've had really good advice on this thread OP,please take it seriously,you're in such a vulnerable position.

Orphlids · 30/06/2021 21:37

He sounds deranged. Don’t hang around. If he feels such hostility towards a silent pregnancy bump, how will he feel at 4am about a red-faced, screaming baby who won’t be comforted? Congratulations on your pregnancy. Your lovely baby will bring you so much more joy than this horrible man ever could.

Pegsonstrings · 30/06/2021 21:38

I was in the exact same position as you 23 years ago when the dad to my son decided he didn’t want to be a dad. Planned pregnancy and all. He also insisted on termination.

My son turned 23 on Sunday, just graduated with a degree and is a happy solid good individual. And I raised him all by myself as dad didn’t want to see him and never has.

He is telling you loud and clear what he is going to do, I would not wait for the inevitable. Use the remaining time of your pregnancy to heal and bond. The rest will fall into place the way it’s meant to Flowers

Seesawmummadaw · 30/06/2021 21:44

He hates your baby. Don’t let him near your lo.
Call woman’s aid and get away from him.

Seesawmummadaw · 30/06/2021 21:44

Btw he can pay for the baby even if he hates it.

FlowerArranger · 30/06/2021 21:47

Agree you need to leave him asap. And not have him on the birth certificate.

However, what concerns me is you saying that you have 'no official career evidence for the past 7 years'. What do you mean? Are you saying he has not been paying your NI contributions, nor PAYG tax? If so, I'd seek advice from CAB.

Adelais · 30/06/2021 21:49

Have you got any family or friends to support you? I know you’re in a difficult position but it will be more easier to move and get settled before baby arrives than after.
I don’t think I could even look at him after saying he hated an unborn baby. I worry what he’ll be like once baby is born.

Mischance · 30/06/2021 21:51

Time for you to take control. You are carrying a 30 week foetus who will need love and care. This will not be forthcoming from your OH.

You must leave this relationship - your OH's behaviour is totally out of order and he is not fit to be a father. You are going to have to go it alone. You can do this. You owe it to your child.

randomkey123 · 30/06/2021 21:54

You need to see him for the man that he is and not the man you want him to be.

Gather up your self respect, and get the hell away from this pitiful excuse for a human being. Your instinct needs to be to protect your baby, not hanker after a man who has shown you such cruel treatment.

namcybotwinbloom · 30/06/2021 21:59

@FlowerArranger

Agree you need to leave him asap. And not have him on the birth certificate.

However, what concerns me is you saying that you have 'no official career evidence for the past 7 years'. What do you mean? Are you saying he has not been paying your NI contributions, nor PAYG tax? If so, I'd seek advice from CAB.

You have good leverage here.

Get out. Get maintenance. Go it without him.

You will never feel totally safe with him.