Will he change his mind about hating our unborn baby?

[areforumsstillathing]

I have been with my DP for 7 years and I recently fell pregnant (which was planned by both of us).

Shortly after discovering the news he decided he didn’t want a child and asked me to have an abortion. I refused of course but he has been angry and negative about it since. I’m now 30 weeks and there has been no change in his attitude. He tells me when the baby comes it’s likely he will walk away as doesn’t want to be a father and he can’t see that changing. He says he has no positive feelings towards the baby and only sees it as a negative and he already hates it. He barely talks about it and whenever I bring it up he either gets quiet or angry.

I’m pretty sure his mum is a big factor in his attitude - when finding out the news of my pregnancy from my DP, all she said was “I thought you didn’t want children” and hasn’t mentioned it since!

He has told me in the past he never saw himself having children but because I wanted them said he was willing to do it. However, I want to make it clear I did not force him into this, it was planned and agreed we would try for kids for a long time (years) and I gave him plenty of opportunities to leave the relationship if it was definitely not what he wanted.

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so what happened? Did your DP change his mind after he saw and held the child or was there no change?

Also, quit mitigating his behaviour by attributing it to his mother.

I’m pretty sure his mum is a big factor in his attitude - when finding out the news of my pregnancy from my DP, all she said was “I thought you didn’t want children” and hasn’t mentioned it since!

@areforumsstillathing

Perhaps I'm being naive but I honestly don't think he's dangerous, he's just incredibly selfish and childish. Neither great attributes for a father-to-be though.

He might not hit you, but you are in such a vulnerable position now. That it is dangerous, what are you going to have to do to get money from him if you stay?

Oh god this was my ExH. But it was my house we were living in. He was so horrible and abusive during the pregnancy. I didn't know about Mumsnet or I'd never have married him.

The day after I told our boss at 13 weeks (who sent an email to 200 people about it) he said he wanted me to have an abortion. Then he started screwing his ex. He still went on to marry me.

I spent 9 years in court extracting me and the children from this abusive bastard.

It's much easier to sort your shit out before the baby not after. Start today.

My sperm donor left my mother a few minutes post conception.
She did ok. She dropped her nursing career & worked as a live-in housekeeper to a progressive family (1960's), met my wonderful dad 3 or 4 years later, (marriage, formal adoption process) & returned to nursing a few years after having my sister.

You can do this, with or without a man.
And hankering after a man who's no good for you will certainly nix your chances of meeting a good one.

I'm concerned about your isolation & financial vulnerability.
Please start contacting support services like CAB & Womens' Aid, & so you can get advice & support about money, housing etc.
And move back into your dad's for those few weeks while you look for your next home.
You seriously need someone close to you, geographically & emotionally, so make sure you are near enough to dad/old friends when you do move.

So...
He got you to give up your job and be completely reliant on him financially for the last 7 years. (Do you have free access to money or are the unofficial bits of work you do how you gain a bit of cash?)

He wanted this baby until it was conceived and then he didn't, and it was a hard no and has been ever since.

He's told you that you will be financially screwed without him.

30 weeks in and now it's 'if I change my mind when baby is born"

What's the betting that this carries on until the baby arrives and in your most vulnerable moment he comes through and suddenly loves the child and it's all sunshine and rainbows....until the next time he feels the need to remind you how much you need him, only this time when you're sleep deprived with a newborn in tow.

He sounds like an abusive cunt and I'm usually the last one to pull that card.

Please get some support. I agree with other posters, this is about you, why don't you want a partner who is supporting you? I mean, I'm sure you do, but you don't have one so why are you not addressing that? I just want to give you a huge hug because I was in this situation and really wish I knew then that this awful behaviour is just the beginning. I wish I had set boundaries and started early as a single mum. It is a very hard choice to cut off the option that 'maybe he might change when the baby arrives'. I do not think he will suddenly start behaving like a truly supportive husband and father from his behaviour. These are massive red sails. You need support to work out how to not put up with being treated like this. Have you told your midwife?

My ex had IVF with me, I think he secretly thought it would never work. He never bonded with our wonderful child, only played amazing dad in front of other people and did nothing when he wasn't being watched ( I mean nothing, wouldn't pick her up if she cried etc). We split when she was almost five as I finally put some boundaries in place. I have had a lot of counselling, it took me a long time to know how to recognise people like this early and not get so deeply involved. My ex has tried to gain full custody on many occasions (just to punish me, he's not interested in parenting - I wish he was the fake dad that he portrays in court), he has put me through the full narcissist shit show for many years. Our now teenager barely has anything to do with him.

Please get counselling, get all the help you can from elsewhere to become the best mum you can be to your baby. Your baby needs a home where everyone in it (even if that's just you) loves and supports them. You can do it without him, please work out how this might look. Sending you a massive hug.

His mum is the worst. He told me she told him when he was a child that she regretted having him!! This has obviously affected him massively

Maybe she did. Maybe you only have his word for it. Just like you had his word for it that he wanted to TTC.

It's an oddly convenient excuse for him, innit?
fwiw - my mother told me she wished she'd "had an abortion & cut you into tiny pieces & flushed you down the lavatory". While forcing my head down to look at her monthly blood in the loo. I was 6 or 7 years old.
It has never, ever, made me lie about my desire for conception to a partner, & certainly not made me decide to hate a foetus.
So he can put his tiny 'excuse' in his pipe & smoke it. He has no excuse, so stop excusing him.

OP, I know you are feeling desperate & sad & betrayed.
But you're still excusing & hoping for "change" from this man.
Why?
You've told & shown us he is emotionally immature, he's capable of hatred of an unborn child, he isolated you from your friends & dad, he had you working for him "unofficially" (WTF? On the cheap, I take it?) and .. he's 100% playing you.

All this "I might change mind my but if I don't XYZ" bullshit is designed to fuck with your mind & keep you dangling on a string.
It's not the noble struggle of a tortured mind, it's a power play.

And when he says shit like he wouldn't leave me completely high and dry financially don't fall for it. He doesn't mean it - or he would have defined it. (You said you were left confused by what he meant by it.)
Also, it's not his choice, or oh-so-magnaminous gesture to make. It will be court mandated via CMS.
Odds are, his unconventional employment practices extend to dodgy bookkeeping, so he'll shaft you on maintenance too.

So stop falling for his antics. It's hard to accept that your man is a wrong'un (believe me, direct experience). So listen to the wise vipers here - we're not blinded by the hopes & fears of 7 years with this guy, & all the conditioning you seem to have received in order to accept the kind of hokum he's selling you.

That is absolutely not your fault, but staying with Mr Changeable - if he lets you, post-partum - is going to make you miserable & exhausted, & all the cards will be even more firmly in his hands.
So take back control & get out now before your baby comes.
You don't want him anywhere near your baby. Men like Mr Changeable do horrible emotional damage to kids.

Sorry you're in this situation :( It does sound like you need to leave, as other posters have said. He's making it very clear that he doesn't want to be a father to your baby. It was manipulative and unfair of him to lead you into this situation in the first place by agreeing to have a baby. Now he has changed his mind but you are already pregnant. He is telling you he hates the baby, he will never be a good father and think about the child being born into a situation where their father already hates/ doesn't want them. It's not fair on you or the child to stay in that situation xx

Are you back in the UK now? You need to ensure that you give birth in the Country you want to raise the baby or you may end up with him controlling where you live by refusing to let you take the baby onboard.

You need to act like you are on your own, move out, get your own place and make sure the baby has your name. He can always get therapy and you can try again Slowly, but it’s much harder to do it the other way around and he doesn’t seem like he is even trying to be nice or supportive, so any words he says would seem hollow, plus will his mum be whispering in the background?

I think that women, in general, can "fall in love" with a baby that they didn't initially want. Just the act of giving birth creates the "love hormone" in a mother .

Men, not so much. Unfortunately a man who initially hates the idea of a baby, isn't suddenly going to fall in love with being a father when he sees his baby.

The fact your partner uses words like "hate" makes me feel ill - how could anyone say that they hate an unborn child. Your partner isn't suddenly going to change and start loving your baby. Get out while you still can.

I am so very sorry you are going through this. His behaviour is shockingly cruel and selfish.

I remember reading an article by a woman who was going through this. Had been with her partner for years. He had said he didn’t want children and then agreed they would try, however when she eventually became pregnant changed his mind again and said he wanted nothing to do with the baby. It took him about a year to come to terms with having a baby. He had a number of issues to deal with before he could bond. It was awful for her. It did have a very positive ending though.

All that said, what he is doing to you now is cruel. I’m sure you are right. Being told he wasn’t wanted as a child has far reaching emotional consequences.

He needs to get help or go. Set a date in your head as to how long you are going to give him (don’t tell him). Write down what it is you want to see him saying or doing by that date (don’t tell him). If he doesn't adapt by that date then you know what you need to do.

The challenge is whether you can ever forgive him for what he is putting you through now.

You won’t be alone in this though. I used to work with pregnant women and you would be surprised how many of their partners struggle and ‘reject’ the baby they are going to have. Sometimes that changes. Sometimes it doesn’t. It’s cruel though.

I hope he gets help. Find support for yourself too and speak with your midwife. I doubt you will be the first woman they have met who is experiencing this and they can put you in touch with support organisations.

Good luck OP. Take care of yourself.

I think it’s disgusting that someone would treat their pregnant partner like this. To say that he hates the baby and he will likely leave once the baby is born is vile and that would be enough for me to know what to do. I really wouldn’t hang around in hope that he’ll change his mind when the baby is born - it will be even harder to make arrangements to leave then.

I agree with previous posters, make sure you are not still living with him when the baby is born. If you have supportive parents move back near to them. Once the baby is born he may be able to stop you moving away.
Don’t put his name on the birth certificate - it can be added later if he applies for it - but otherwise he will immediately have equal legal control over your child.
Give the baby your surname. Again if you end up staying with him then you can change the name up until the baby is a year old.

But LEAVE NOW, it will be so much harder after the baby is born. If he changes after the baby is born, you will have space to decide if you trust & forgive him enough to get back together. It gives you more leverage to change the status quo & make yourself more financially secure.

Finally, if he is self-employed, prepare for him to find ways to cheat child maintenance. Scan/ photo financial records before you leave.

Good luck 💐

So sorry you are in the situation. It must be a shock, as from your post the baby was planned. So what has changed? My advice would be when you have the baby, do not put your partners name on the birth certificate. I have known a couple of very reluctant fathers over the years, who have turned out to be really good dads. But never any that have made such awful, hurtful comments. Take care of yourself & your baby, wishing you good luck OP

He sounds very controlling. If you're not in the U.K. I'm worried he could try to prevent you leaving with the baby. If you're not in the UK already can you make plans to leave?

He got you pregnant , planned and agreed by both of you, then changed his mind and wanted you to have an abortion. Now he's telling you he'll probably leave after you've had his baby.

Sorry... he needs to go. Like right now. Let him run back to mummy

The concern I have about your DP from your post is that he says he hates the child and also is emotionally immature
Please don’t ever leave the baby alone with him after it is born, especially if he is still saying these things. You may not think he is dangerous but if the child cries, he might not cope with it in that moment and lash out. Babies crying is a very intense thing to deal with, even when you love them more than anything else. I’m just really worried about you and this baby living in this house with him, the child will cry and he might not cope with that. His language is really concerning. I am worried for you and baby to be honest

I’m now 30 weeks and there has been no change in his attitude. He tells me when the baby comes it’s likely he will walk away

Why wait? He is controlling the situation and you by offering this carrot that he might stay but making you feel awful in the last stages of your pregnancy

Did you say you had some savings.
Could you use those to rent the cheapest studio flat you can find then get yourself on benefits/housing benefits etc

I would be distancing myself and this child from him. I would not be putting his name on the birth certificate.

Go to your dads to stay whilst you get a rental place sorted.
If there is just you and baby all you will need is a studio to begin with.

Good luck. Be the one to male the decisions not the one to wait around to find out what his decision will be.

If anything I wouldn’t tell him you are going. I would just go.

he's just incredibly selfish and childish - well not only is he not father material, but also partner material. What do you see in him that makes you stay with him?

In response to your last post OP.

Do i think there is a chance?

My gut says he has felt your mood shift since you got the support and back up on here so has thrown you just enough hope to keep you there where he wants you.

He doesn't get to make all of the decisions about your future.

Do not do a pick me and the baby dance. Move out and set yourself up. If he works hard to engage with fatherhood the repair in time (12-24 months) could possibly be saved if he consistently supports you and gets help for his problems. Its ok to put the ball in his court but you don't have to stand there miserable whilst he decides whether to play. You can crack on with your life.

Surely you have read enough 'my DP does nothing and i am exhausted' posts here to know that even if he does respond to the baby Hes going to be captain-but i am the worker and you are the sahp so i never cook clean do night feeds or anything at all. Do not fall for that!

He isnt emotionally immature, he is emotionally STUNTED. Theres a difference. He isn't going to become a decent human in future.

What his mum said to him is exactly what he'll say to his kid. Or you. He's already started. Dont bring your baby up in the toxic cycle.

Npd and similar personalities (who lack empathy) can run in families. The narcissist parent either shame their children or they spoil them. One child (or even the partner) may become the scapegoat and the other, the golden child. Basically the scapegoat is treated as if they can do no right and played off against the golden child.

I suspect your partner would (as soon as your child is old enough to understand shame/being ignored/punishment ect) pit you and the kid against eachother. One may be showered with affection, the other, treated with cold contempt. Resentments created.

Only other scenario being he treats you both with contempt.

Don't bring your child into this dynamic.

Oh I feel for you. The quicker you leave, the easier it will be. Much better to do this now, than with a baby. I've known plenty of people marry others that they aren't keen on (through arranged marriages). Most learn to live with the situation. None of us can predict whether his feelings will change. And is he likely to put up a fuss re maintenance?

I agree that you should leave prior to the baby being born. Life gets SO much harder with a baby.

He might change his mind - if he does, he can take the necessary steps to be part of your life and bond with the baby. He can proactively step up, grow up and prove himself worthy.

Otherwise he is not what you want or need right now. A baby is very hard work, but having a sulky, mean, pathetic man there who refuses to help will make it so much more worse.

It's not about you anymore - it's about the safety and wellbeing of the precious, helpless child you're going to bring into the world. You can do it. You absolutely can. You are stronger than you realise.

It does sound as though his DM is possibly at the root of this.

You have got some power - if he really can't bond with the baby after this then you can at least tell him that you will leave but in return you need X amount of money to set yourself up, that child maintenance payments will be through the CMS and you need him to agree that you were working for him in X position for X number of years. He must be your Referee whenever you need it and not let you down on this. It could potentially be managed amicably but it is going to be very difficult as it's an emotionally charged situation. If I were you, I would be mentally prepping that you will be splitting and doing my best to cope with this before the baby is born. Don't hold out for him bonding because he sounds stubborn and you are just going to have your heart broken all over again.

So sorry you're going through this but you need to gather your strength to protect you and your baby.

Are you in the U.K.? It sounds like you may not be, in which case please come back asap.

If you stay abroad until after the baby is born you could find it very difficult to leave with your baby.

If he was any kind of decent man he wouldn't be behaving like this, he is doing it to control you: don't let him!

Don't stay thinking he might change, it's not likely and very risky.
Pack your bags and leave. Stay with your dad for a few weeks, check out how much benefit you are entitled too, women's aid and the other good advice given above.

Do it now, don't wait and put your unborn child at risk.