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Original poster

Will he change his mind about hating our unborn baby?

148 replies

areforumsstillathing · 30/06/2021 16:17

I have been with my DP for 7 years and I recently fell pregnant (which was planned by both of us).

Shortly after discovering the news he decided he didn’t want a child and asked me to have an abortion. I refused of course but he has been angry and negative about it since. I’m now 30 weeks and there has been no change in his attitude. He tells me when the baby comes it’s likely he will walk away as doesn’t want to be a father and he can’t see that changing. He says he has no positive feelings towards the baby and only sees it as a negative and he already hates it. He barely talks about it and whenever I bring it up he either gets quiet or angry.

I’m pretty sure his mum is a big factor in his attitude - when finding out the news of my pregnancy from my DP, all she said was “I thought you didn’t want children” and hasn’t mentioned it since!

He has told me in the past he never saw himself having children but because I wanted them said he was willing to do it. However, I want to make it clear I did not force him into this, it was planned and agreed we would try for kids for a long time (years) and I gave him plenty of opportunities to leave the relationship if it was definitely not what he wanted.

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so what happened? Did your DP change his mind after he saw and held the child or was there no change?

OP posts:
DennisTMenace · 30/06/2021 22:20

Make sure you keep screen shots of anything he has put in writing. Someone who hates a baby cannot be trusted alone while you take a nap or pop to the shop. You can't change any of the decisions you made in the past, but can do what is best for your child now.

Dashel · 30/06/2021 22:30

When you say you have been working unofficially for him, does that mean cash in hand so no national Insurance contribution and tax as you will be short that many years of pension contributions. You need to look into this when you have sorted everything out.

This isn’t a good man who has treated you fairly and now he is being unsupportive and cruel when you are at your most vulnerable and carrying his child, that he knowingly conceived.

Whatever it takes you need to leave, but I wouldn’t say anything until you have gone. Your safety is the main thing.

Jesskir89 · 30/06/2021 23:16

@el8888 he needs reporting to social services! That poor child!

Op please leave children cannot and should not live in a house where they know a parent doesn't want them! Hes a dick!

Original poster
areforumsstillathing · 30/06/2021 23:41

Again thanks for the helpful advice. The Women's Aid/Shelter recommendation is helpful, I hadn't thought of that.

I have my dad but could only really stay with him for a few weeks max so I'll need to sort something out longer term. None of my friends I can stay with really.

Yes working for DP was unofficial so no official paperwork, it was not in the U.K. though so wouldn't have got NI/pension anyway.

And yes I know I've made some poor decisions which have led me to the position, but I'm here now and want to move forward in the best way I can and I'll certainly learn from my mistakes.

I guess deep down I knew I needed to leave but it's hard to take the leap. I do deserve better and clearly have self esteem issues. Am taking all your comments on board and grateful for each of them.

OP posts:
Almondcroissant25 · 01/07/2021 00:03

How strange of him to behave like this. What does he say when you remind him that he did also agree to try for this baby?

The spiteful words he uses make it out like he thinks you have trapped him, but he went into this with eyes open did he not??

Have you tried rationalising with him?

I would start planning your escape from this relationship, ASAP.

EL8888 · 01/07/2021 00:20

@Jesskir89 like l said, l don’t know how my cousin sucks it up. I would have binned him during the pregnancy phase Shock

Fatarseflanagan09 · 01/07/2021 00:59

I could never forgive that, I wouldn’t be able to get past it, it’s such a vile thing to say about a child and it shows him for what he really is, he’s vile and so is his mother, people like these two are not to be trusted around children, wipe these two shits off your shoes and move on.

ThatsNotMyReindeer · 01/07/2021 01:15

Was it his idea for you to give up your job and become totally reliant on him, by any chance?

Micemakingclothes · 01/07/2021 01:32

I don’t know what kind of business he has, but if you have been helping him run it, you might be able to make a case that you are a de facto owner. It’s probably a long shot and would depend on where you live and the nature of the business and your role. It still might be worth very quietly meeting with a solicitor to explore your options.

me4real · 01/07/2021 03:14

One of my exes took a couple of weeks to get over the shock of a pregnancy, as we'd assumed we couldn't have children really. How he acted was hurtful enough.

But it didn't go on for months, and he didn't talk about hating the baby. Sad

It's shocking that he said that @areforumsstillathing xxx

ChiefInspectorParker · 01/07/2021 03:44

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
areforumsstillathing · 01/07/2021 03:52

@Almondcroissant25

How strange of him to behave like this. What does he say when you remind him that he did also agree to try for this baby?

The spiteful words he uses make it out like he thinks you have trapped him, but he went into this with eyes open did he not??

Have you tried rationalising with him?

I would start planning your escape from this relationship, ASAP.

He doesn't seem to appreciate that we are both as responsible as each other for caring and bringing up this baby, in his eyes he can walk away and doesn't have to deal with it. But he definitely went in with eyes open.

Needless to say he's very immature emotionally.

So I brought it up today and he has now told me he wouldn't leave me completely high and dry financially if his feelings don't change about the baby (I don't know exactly what he means by this). He said he's hoping his feelings do change but at the moment feels nothing. He says it's not his fault he feels like this and I told him that's true but he could handle the situation better.

I'm thinking of saying he needs to get help to work through his feelings about it... anyone think there's a chance for us if he agrees to that?! Or is it a waste of time after everything?!

OP posts:
Original poster
areforumsstillathing · 01/07/2021 03:54

@Fatarseflanagan09

I could never forgive that, I wouldn’t be able to get past it, it’s such a vile thing to say about a child and it shows him for what he really is, he’s vile and so is his mother, people like these two are not to be trusted around children, wipe these two shits off your shoes and move on.
His mum is the worst. He told me she told him when he was a child that she regretted having him!! This has obviously affected him massively
OP posts:
Original poster
areforumsstillathing · 01/07/2021 04:01

@ThatsNotMyReindeer

Was it his idea for you to give up your job and become totally reliant on him, by any chance?
Yep but I shouldn't have agreed. Absolutely a case of heart over head at the time!
OP posts:
Original poster
areforumsstillathing · 01/07/2021 04:08

Perhaps I'm being naive but I honestly don't think he's dangerous, he's just incredibly selfish and childish. Neither great attributes for a father-to-be though.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 01/07/2021 04:08

Absolutely shocking and nasty behaviour from this man.Does he have form for being a nasty and cruel person, as you have been with him for a long time now.. I would not trust being with him when your baby arrives.

Confusednewmum1 · 01/07/2021 04:13

I want to give you another perspective. I was like your partner. I was resentful of being pregnant, it was unplanned and I was extremely ill. I had horrendous mental health issues and even made plans to leave after my daughter was born and have my now ex raise her. Any time he discussed the baby I would cry and be moody. I hated the thought of being a mother and having a baby. Couldn’t be positive in the slightest. I wanted to die everyday and would often wish for terrible things to happen.

I went to my GP and had a breakdown asked for referral to social work for a care plan for my baby and confessed I was a suicide risk- took me until I was 30 weeks or so to do this.

I was booked for a c-section as I refused to give birth and was worried a difficult labour would make the whole thing worse.

I’m the end I had a very quick natural birth less than 30 mins after arriving and hospital. I had told the midwife I didn’t want to hold the baby before I had delivered. I was that clear in my crazy depressed mind.

The second I gave birth, the fog lifted and I was crazy in love and practically snatched my LG from the midwife. Never ever has a child been more loved or adored. She is my whole world, I took close to 2 years off work - after telling my boss I’d be back in 6 weeks……..
Mental health can do terrible terrible things, I said awful things and could be so calm and cool while doing it. I totally detached myself and it sounds like your partner has done the same.
Protect yourself make plans ect but give him a chance and don’t push too much.
My partner very rarely rose to all the awful things I said and did. He kept saying it will be ok I love the baby ect. Every time I said I would leave once baby born and made him watch how to prep a bottle in the Tommie tippe he went along with it.

When I ask him how he coped he admitted he was scared, frightened and really angry but had faith I would love the baby the way he did and he was so so right. It just didn’t happen during pregnancy and mental illness took over.

I’d love to have another baby to experience a joyful pregnancy and to be one of the mums discussing names, clothes have a baby shower ect. But I couldn’t risk my mental health and my relationship has recently ended.

I’d say don’t push give him space in his own thoughts, no one can comprehend being a parent until it happens. The fear I had was so real, so suffocating but I made it through and god I’m so glad and happy I did. It’s was so close on so many occasions to being a tragic outcome xx

Confusednewmum1 · 01/07/2021 04:19

The if my feeling don’t change - this was my battle cry when I tried to engage my partner in chats about the fact he was going to be a single parent.

I grew up with a terrible mother who also said things like - I wish I never had you. It leaves a scare. I cried on my best friend daily that I didn’t want to be a mum like her, I didn’t want to make a child suffer ect.
I’m nothing like her - most of the time and when I am ranting and being short with my toddler. It’s never nasty or personal and I always apologise for mummy shouting - I’m far from perfect despite loving her so much.

Milliepossum · 01/07/2021 05:06

He sounds like he has no empathy and just wants things his way. This won’t get better, I think you need to return to where your friends and family are right now as you’ll need a support system. Where you will live etc will get sorted out, but leave now before you are really stuck where you are right now.

CJsGoldfish · 01/07/2021 05:11

Don't trade in your baby's wellbeing and future emotional health for the $$ he provides. That is all kinds of wrong and won't end well for the one you are supposed to protect.
I don't understand why you are hanging around hoping for some crumbs and not out there trying to start and a new, positive life for the two of you?

rosepetalbed · 01/07/2021 05:17

You sound very vulnerable op. I hope you find the strength to at least kick him out until baby is here. He needs a good kick up the backside for treating you so shabbily tbh.
Your baby will bring a lot of joy but also undoubtedly stressful times too, it's the stressful times that you'll need support. Your dp appears to only add to your stress. It won't help in the long run and worse he may get to you when you want to seek help and he's busy telling you I told you so.

PurpleRainDancer · 01/07/2021 05:18

What a repugnant man.
LTB OP. You and your baby deserve so much more.

Peppallama · 01/07/2021 05:23

Tbh it doesn't matter whether he wants or likes the baby. An honourable man accepts it's his responsibility and supports partner and baby anyway.

And stop blaming his mother. He's his own person. He won't change.

Get out now.

ChargingBuck · 01/07/2021 05:23

Is this about him "changing his mind", or about you wanting a relationship with him?

Why would you want a relationship with a human who expressed hatred for any baby, let alone his own?
And why, IN THE NAME OF FUCK, are you even considering him getting within a mile of your baby?

Changed mind or not, he's capable of expressing hatred for a new born innocent creature. Even if he does "change", all he's done is show you he's changeable. How long til he changes back again?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/07/2021 05:26

@Confusednewmum1- brave post, thank you for putting it out there.

@areforumsstillathing - I think you should wait until the baby is born and give your DP a chance to see how he feels.
In all honesty, I wasn't that keen to be a mum the first time around either - had never been particularly maternal, didn't have a particularly maternal mother either and wasn't at all sure that I'd be any good at being a mother myself.
On the day I went in to be induced with DS1, I phoned my best friend and my Dad in a flat panic, saying "I can't do this, why have I done this, what am I going to do??". They were both calm and helped me, just by saying "wait til it's over and the baby's here and then we can talk about it some more".
I actually wasn't in any kind of mental health crisis, I just thought I'd made a mistake - but like confusednewmum, once DS1 was out, he was the best thing ever and I couldn't put him down.

Obviously for the mum there is the flood of hormones that helps the situation, but I hope that your DP will "catch" the love too when he sees your baby. Is he currently saying whether he will or won't be there for the birth? I hope he does at least do that.

He could do with some counselling too, to get over his mother being a shit to him - telling kids they weren't wanted is so abusive! Shock - and hopefully that will help too.

Long story short - don't write him off yet.