The One Where Geller Proves He Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Hear that ticking my lovelies?

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

That’s the sound of the bomb I have just thrown over the metaphorical trench edge at Geller. Here’s the previous thread if you need to catch up. As ever, thank you for the support and the cheering and the banter and for giving me fresh perspectives.

I am fucking DONE. Done with this. I need to stand up and fight for the girls. He is NEVER going to do what he needs to for them.

So I picked them up from school and they were quiet but ok. We’ve had pizza in our pjs and they’re asleep. I have had a barrage of questions about who I have seen this weekend and what I’ve been doing and why am I wearing new clothes and do I have new friends and am I working as much as I should be etc etc. Clearly fed by him, they’ve never done that before.

Then I get this (he hadn’t responded to my previous message at all)

How is DD1?

We can talk albeit I have very little time in the next few days. Strangely someone praised me this weekend for how well I dealt with one of her meltdowns. She really struggled with the homework. Together we bought various materials while DD2 was having her hair cut. But of course when she made it, it didn’t go well. However she and I did it together first thing Sunday before DD2 woke and she did it brilliantly.

It was DD1 that led our walk while DD2 was a pain and tried to stop us going, finally relenting after the first field.

Both of them played brilliantly with the boys over the other side of the fence. But it’s the usual challenge of when they are on their own in a small space. It’s simply a very intense thing single parenting. And I can’t break DD1 on sleeping alone and I’m not prepared for it to become tears and anger. As I say she ended up watching the football and was engrossed.

So I said

I also have very little time. So I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.

She is in bed, asleep, with clean hair. They have both been quiet and we have talked about zero tolerance for violence, shouting and arguing. and what that means and the importance of kind words and being gentle and how to act when you’re angry and that you need to be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth as they can upset people. I repeat, next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

I would like to make you aware the level of messaging is unwelcome, and that I am looking to address this and agree on appropriate levels of communication moving forward.

I await the nuclear explosion which will no doubt follow.

I. Am. Done.

You may find they accept your offer to the EA prior to auction. It may well be they're not confident(or the vendors are not confident) of getting the guide, and given you've no chain you may be in with a chance to secure it before auction. There's a big house just up the road went to auction a few years ago, the vendor is a good friend and they rejected the offer they had before, the house needed similar amount of work as your one, it did not make reserve, and in the end she sold below highest bid some weeks after the auction just to get rid.

@StuckInPollyannaMode - Both of my parents used to do that kind of shit. Not worth it. Perhaps you could have a walk past the house and “bump” into the owners. Maybe they’d consider cancelling the auction if you told them you’re good for it…?

My parents did something similar, it was babysitting related for a long weekend rather than money. But they offered, I never took them up on it, but when I really needed it (dv, divorce, work reasons) they pulled the rug at the last minute.

I was really hurt more but still bloody fuming. I never ever asked for their help again, and strangely enough they stopped asking. I think they only asked because they knew I'd say no. This made them look good and feel better whilst not lifting a finger. Of course when I did ask they didn't want to do it.

@StuckInPollyannaMode - if the owners are still living there, could you drop a note through the door, explaining what an excellent buyer you’d be… you and the girls could stay and contribute to the village etc etc… and asking if they’d cancel the auction and sell it to you?
They’ll be paying auction fees too.

I’m of the school of ‘If You Don’t Ask, you Don’t Get’.

Ultimately, it’s in the lap of the gods. I’ve had something very similar happen to me recently, and am still getting over it! GRRRR 😖

Unfortunately it's a probate sale, and I don't recognise the names of those selling (neither do my very good friends in the village, who have been there for 10+ years)

I have explained my circumstances to the auctioneer, who couldn't have been less interested.

I think I'm better off just never asking for help from them again. And not banking on getting that house.

In one turn up for the books, however, my mother has sent me two dresses that I thought she had given away long ago. Apparently I am now thin enough to possibly get into them - and there's no way they will fit my SIL, she's far thinner than me, they just SWIM on her - so I might as well have them.

I can get into them! And do them up! They're not exactly comfortable though, I will need to get them altered. The reason why they're so important? They were my grandmothers. From Paris, when she went to do her apprenticeship as a milliner. Original 1920s.

I don't understand her.

Omg… swooning at the thought of these dresses @StuckInPollyannaMode… Can you share a photo please? Divine!!!
Also, I forgot to elaborate re parents and money. If you take it, their story will change to suit their narrative. They will be the generous benefactors who helped out “Poor Polly…. Again….” to family and friends and you will be made to feel like a hopeless loser. (Which you are so very not.) It will come with strings, such as access to your house all the goddamn time and free reign to guilt trip you and your girls. Just don’t.

Worth getting them valued??

They look like absolutely nothing on the hanger - but sure, I will, I've just wrapped them all up again though in their non-tarnishing paper - I'll get them out at the weekend for you!

Oh, I could never sell them Cava - they are so precious to me. I remember my grandmother telling me she didn't eat lunch for a month so to be able to afford them. The two are very similar - she wanted a classic LBD as it was around the time Chanel put hers out and she'd seen it in her employers' magazine. She went for one with little sleeves and one without, so she'd never have to buy another evening dress again, but just change the accessories.

I was extremely close to my grandmother. It's like having a bit of her back again.

The dresses are a sop to her feelings of guilt because she knows she has been shitty to you. Yes, I'm cynical.

Yes it was a bit tongue in cheek, sorry. Of course never sell them!
She won't countenance helping you with money but now gives you a family heirloom because you're "thin enough", while also giving a sly dig that you're not as thin as SIL?? That is all kinds of messed up.
Agree with PP that it's an attempt to keep you on the hook as she knows how badly she's behaved with the house. Classic manipulation.
I'm glad you have some lovely dresses though!

@StuckInPollyannaMode is it worth putting a note through the door, even though it's a probate sale. Someone will be visiting to keep an eyee on the empty house. It might just be that the executors/beneficiaries. A direct approach might just swing it for you?
Worth a shot!

Sorry just delurking to ask if your brother and SIL could lend you the money? Can't remember how relations are there...

The dresses sound lovely and what a wonderful connection to your grandmother, she sounds very interesting and very disciplined - going without lunch for a whole month.

As the house is being sold at auction I think you are right not to bank on getting the house. Maybe it would be better to buy once the divorce is finalised and you can get a bigger mortgage based on your actual salary.

I absolutely think they are a dig at your weight.

Well you are thin enough for them, but still not as slim as SIL. So it seems like a nice thing to do whilst still putting you down.

Your Mum is being cruel.

@RandomMess

I absolutely think they are a dig at your weight.

Well you are thin enough for them, but still not as slim as SIL. So it seems like a nice thing to do whilst still putting you down.

Ultimately, though, she still has the dresses. Which is a result.

And I'm willing to bet that SIL has never even heard about them, much less got to try them on.

Would also not be surprised if DM couldn’t fit her big mouth in the dresses either.

I think you should derive a lot of satisfaction from the fact that your mother has unintentionally given you something so precious. (When it appears to have been rather a backhanded gift) She'd be horrified if she really knew how much they meant to you. Consider it a win!

I reckon she's giving you your only inheritance early!!

I am thrilled that they mean so much to you though.

Yes its a win, & even if you couldn't fit in yo them, it would have been terribly unkind to gave given them to SIL, who had not been the blood relative who was very close to her GM.

They're not exactly comfortable though, I will need to get them altered. The reason why they're so important? They were my grandmothers. From Paris, when she went to do her apprenticeship as a milliner. Original 1920s

Well, you should have them anyway, not your Sister in law. She's not your grandmother's grand daughter.

And never, ever, give them back (dresses) or loan them ('can SiL borrow for a party?') You'll never seem 'em again if Dearest Mother realises they have meaning for you. She was being very spiteful.

As sad as it is to lose the house, IMHO you're probably 'better off' without taking money from them. As a PP mentioned up thread chances are they'd never let you forget it even after it was repaid, would 'trumpet' it amongst all and sundry in the worst possible terms, and would use it to try and control you.

I do believe that when a huge obstacle (or obstacles) prevents one from getting something they want, it usually means it wasn't right for them. And that something better (or at least as good) will come along when the time is right.

@Polly we need a new thread please.

Maybe this house isn't the right one for you. I haven't posted before on your threads, Polly, but I have followed your story with great admiration for your courage and fortitude.
I wonder if, in a year or so, your finances will improve and the right house will turn up.
I think you have learned a very important lesson about your parents and now is the time to go very low contact and don't take anything from them.
As they get older the emotional blackmail and entitlement will increase. You don't need it.