The One Where Geller Proves He Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Hear that ticking my lovelies?

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

That’s the sound of the bomb I have just thrown over the metaphorical trench edge at Geller. Here’s the previous thread if you need to catch up. As ever, thank you for the support and the cheering and the banter and for giving me fresh perspectives.

I am fucking DONE. Done with this. I need to stand up and fight for the girls. He is NEVER going to do what he needs to for them.

So I picked them up from school and they were quiet but ok. We’ve had pizza in our pjs and they’re asleep. I have had a barrage of questions about who I have seen this weekend and what I’ve been doing and why am I wearing new clothes and do I have new friends and am I working as much as I should be etc etc. Clearly fed by him, they’ve never done that before.

Then I get this (he hadn’t responded to my previous message at all)

How is DD1?

We can talk albeit I have very little time in the next few days. Strangely someone praised me this weekend for how well I dealt with one of her meltdowns. She really struggled with the homework. Together we bought various materials while DD2 was having her hair cut. But of course when she made it, it didn’t go well. However she and I did it together first thing Sunday before DD2 woke and she did it brilliantly.

It was DD1 that led our walk while DD2 was a pain and tried to stop us going, finally relenting after the first field.

Both of them played brilliantly with the boys over the other side of the fence. But it’s the usual challenge of when they are on their own in a small space. It’s simply a very intense thing single parenting. And I can’t break DD1 on sleeping alone and I’m not prepared for it to become tears and anger. As I say she ended up watching the football and was engrossed.

So I said

I also have very little time. So I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.

She is in bed, asleep, with clean hair. They have both been quiet and we have talked about zero tolerance for violence, shouting and arguing. and what that means and the importance of kind words and being gentle and how to act when you’re angry and that you need to be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth as they can upset people. I repeat, next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

I would like to make you aware the level of messaging is unwelcome, and that I am looking to address this and agree on appropriate levels of communication moving forward.

I await the nuclear explosion which will no doubt follow.

I. Am. Done.

No coincidence that will a mill stone removed from your neck and him doing a small share of parenting at long last you have come on leaps and bounds professionally & personally.

Who’s this? It’s our dark horse Polly!!!

Have a lovely weekend Polly, hope Geller gets it all signed soon so you can start moving forward

I hope you had a great relaxing weekend in Wales Polly. An I hope Geller signs soon so you can move on fully.

Love love love your last post Polly. It sounds like just the financial agreement on it's own might not be the best deal for you. But looking at the bigger picture, getting enough, and getting it sorted sooner so you can protect yourself and your future, sounds like a good plan. Bloody well done.

Fantastic update. I feel like I’m channelling Motsi anf shouting you are a strong women at my iphone

Well done Polly. Have been following from the beginning. The best revenge is success!

Oh, my lovelies. I need you.

I'm not sure if this is a sign of strength and how far I've come, or just another example of how much I've still got to go along the road to recovery.

And for once, it's not Geller. This is the short version.

A house has come on in the village. I have been round it. I have done my sums. I have renovated 4 houses before, I know what I'm doing. It keeps me and the girls in the same supportive community, surrounded by friends. It's a good house, with nice bones. I can make it into a property which we need never move from. It's not extortionate and it's not pretty, but I'm realistic about what I can do to it and I can add £150k value with a spend of £30-35k. I have the funds to do it all, except for the spend of £30-35k to renovate. £10k of which would be for new boiler and rewire. The rest i can do over a couple of years.

My parents have the capacity to help. They have constantly offered me money over the past year and I have refused it all.

Now, when I'm there asking for help (which trust me, is a really big bloody deal) they have refused. Apparently it is character forming to do it alone. What I've asked for is the £10k to do the boiler and the rewire. I've not asked for a Smallbone of Devizes kitchen. And I've said I'll pay it back. 10k to them is chickenfeed, to be clear. They normally have 4-6 holidays a year, and fair play to them. it's their money, do what they want. However, don't dangle it in front of me and then snatch it away.

I've been doing it alone for the last 10 years and stupidly I finally believed them when they said they wanted to help. I've never had financial help from them since I graduated.

Help me to walk away from this opportunity and not be so bitter about the fact they could help and are choosing not to. I can understand if they want me to work for it, but to not help their grandchildren have some security and stability...words fail me.

My barriers have gone up once again.

Anyway. Onwards.

It's a really cruel thing to do.

I've been there (not with my parents, never had a penny off them since I turned 18) but from long term partners/husband and for me it forever changed the dynamic of the relationship, and not for the good. I think it's quite narcissistic too - the verbal offer gives them the 'supply' they need to feel good, but like you've found out, it's not a genuine offer.

All I can suggest now is putting a bit of distance between you - not to punish them, but so you don't end up saying something you might regret.

That is horribly cruel. Fucking character building, they really are awful people. They don't seem to want you to be happy.

I'm so sorry that yet again something good has been sabotaged by those you should be able to rely on.

For the sake of £10k?

What sort of condition is the boiler in? The wiring? Is it an emergency job or could you conceivably safely (safely is the key word) leave it for a year or two?

You sound like you know what you are doing and you have done the sums. It also really sounds like a great opportunity. Is there any way to swing it your way without the money from your parents? Could you try a cheeky offer, perhaps?

Good luck with this. I hope you can find a way to make it work. It is shitty of your parents to do this. It sounds a bit like the money is there if you spend it on something they approve of (only they know what that might be) but not available for independent choices.

Polly that's awful. Could you go ahead regardless and you'll find the money somewhere once you're in (or do you think it would be a condition of the mortgage that at least there's a rewire?).

I hope you can get sorted. And as above, cheeky offer that gives you that £10k?

(As a chain-free buyer, the sellers might view the £10k as worth it)?

I know you’ve done the sums, but did you do them including the 10k for rewiring and boiler? As in, could you swing it with that extra 10k on the mortgage. Would the bank lend you that 10k if you got quotes from the relevant tradespeople ?

It's pretty mean of your parents to refuse a loan after constantly dangling the offer of financial help. In their situation I would definitely want to help.

Have you looked at every possible angle for securing that £10k? Can you increase the mortgage, any chance you can get the house for less? Could you live with the existing wiring and boiler until you can afford the upgrade? Can you get more money out of Gellar through the divorce settlement, or would he consider loaning you the money in return for keeping the girls local? Any chance you could borrow against the business? Could you put the work on a credit card(s). Sorry, if you have already considered these options.

With regard to your parents, was your Dad against the loan as well as your Mum, as I thought he was more sympathetic to your situation.

Is there anywhere else at all that you could borrow from?

Wouldn’t it be sad if you now refused to host them for Christmas….having offered and dangled it in front of them. Surely spending it on their own would be character building…..

Could you access a govt grant for a heat pump instead of a boiler?

On a relationship basis I think this is hard to come back from. It's a really back handed shitty thing to do and seemingly without sense and logic. The 'character building' comment is wildly insulting to a woman who is being dragged through the divorce process. I would struggle massively to maintain a relationship with them after this, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it either.

Practically others have suggested what I would. 10k is a more accessible sum via a credit card or bargaining with the house etc than the full 35k so I wouldn't give up hope yet.

You've navigated worse things.

Oh love.

Does it highlight on the paperwork that it has been condemned and MUST be replaced, or is it just that it is old and should be replaced? Remember valuers are not qualified plumbers or electricians, or damp specialists. It may well be OK for another 10 years - my mum's boiler lasted 35 years and only had to be replaced as the critical replacement part wasn't available any more.

As for your parents, well. There goes their Christmas invite. And I'd be telling them why. Their behaviour towards you IS character building - you will strive to be completely independent of them from now on, right?

You've had some good financial pointers from other posters, but can I just say that I am disgusted with your parents and that there should absolutely be consequences for them from this? No more Christmas invitations. No more staying round theirs. Nothing. At. All.

Fuckers.

I've been watching these threads @StuckInPollyannaModeand never had much to offer but is this your mother trying to teach you a lesson because you have stood up to her?

So blooming cruel - does your dad have any sway?

@crikeycrumbsblimey

I've been watching these threads *@StuckInPollyannaModeand* never had much to offer but is this your mother trying to teach you a lesson because you have stood up to her?

So blooming cruel - does your dad have any sway?

That's what I wondered, too. She might be viewing it as payback - sadly.

I hope you can find a way to make the house yours.

I'd get the house and make do. You've got big contracts coming in, which automatically make your business more likely to get further big contracts.

It might mean a winter of inconveniences and extra woolly socks, but you'd be free of obligations to anybody else. Not so much character building as removing any further control over your life from other people.

I wouldn't give up on the house. You might be able to negotiate on the price, borrow the 10k, get an extra 10k on the divorce settlement.... If your business is a limited company look at a director's loan, you would be taxed on it as a benefit if you don't pay interest but the interest rate would be a lot lower than a credit card
You can do this!

Get the house. Borrow the money from whoever. Borrow from the business? Put on a credit card? You have come so far do NOT be stopped from doing this by 10k!!!!