The One Where Geller Proves He Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Hear that ticking my lovelies?

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

That’s the sound of the bomb I have just thrown over the metaphorical trench edge at Geller. Here’s the previous thread if you need to catch up. As ever, thank you for the support and the cheering and the banter and for giving me fresh perspectives.

I am fucking DONE. Done with this. I need to stand up and fight for the girls. He is NEVER going to do what he needs to for them.

So I picked them up from school and they were quiet but ok. We’ve had pizza in our pjs and they’re asleep. I have had a barrage of questions about who I have seen this weekend and what I’ve been doing and why am I wearing new clothes and do I have new friends and am I working as much as I should be etc etc. Clearly fed by him, they’ve never done that before.

Then I get this (he hadn’t responded to my previous message at all)

How is DD1?

We can talk albeit I have very little time in the next few days. Strangely someone praised me this weekend for how well I dealt with one of her meltdowns. She really struggled with the homework. Together we bought various materials while DD2 was having her hair cut. But of course when she made it, it didn’t go well. However she and I did it together first thing Sunday before DD2 woke and she did it brilliantly.

It was DD1 that led our walk while DD2 was a pain and tried to stop us going, finally relenting after the first field.

Both of them played brilliantly with the boys over the other side of the fence. But it’s the usual challenge of when they are on their own in a small space. It’s simply a very intense thing single parenting. And I can’t break DD1 on sleeping alone and I’m not prepared for it to become tears and anger. As I say she ended up watching the football and was engrossed.

So I said

I also have very little time. So I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.

She is in bed, asleep, with clean hair. They have both been quiet and we have talked about zero tolerance for violence, shouting and arguing. and what that means and the importance of kind words and being gentle and how to act when you’re angry and that you need to be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth as they can upset people. I repeat, next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

I would like to make you aware the level of messaging is unwelcome, and that I am looking to address this and agree on appropriate levels of communication moving forward.

I await the nuclear explosion which will no doubt follow.

I. Am. Done.

Lurker here. I’d take on the house, and buy boiler insurance so you're not stuck with a non working boiler in the winter. Then pace out a longer renovation schedule to enjoy the benefit of having future stability and the local support network in place. Are there any green energy grants available in your area currently?

I agree with the previous posters - @NeverDropYourMooncup is right, you have big contracts coming in. Don't miss out on this opportunity. Could you live with the current boiler this winter? Could you buy the boiler on finance? (or look at a heat pump grant as @ohfourfoxache says).

100% hard agree with everyone else - Christmas is cancelled as far as your parents are concerned.

As pp have said lovely lady, don't miss out on the house, a cheeky offer? Boiler insurance and extra socks and blankets. Bollocks to them for Christmas too! Horrid of them. It's because you're standing up to your mother. Keep standing up to her koko

Really hard to come back from but seriously your parents loss❤️‍🩹

My friend had her parents do something very similar to her, so deeply upsetting. I think I'd be going very grey rock with them and not bothering about Christmas, although I would probably have dropped to a muttering simmer by then and put up with seeing them if the kids wanted to. But I'd concur with everyone else here, can you get the house and delay the boiler, is there wiggle room? I'd be sorely tempted to find a way.

Like others, I’d buy the house. It’s scary, I know. but the money will come, and it’s possible to cope with an iffy boiler. I practically lived with builders for a year, and did 2 winters without central heating. It’s not great, but it’s doable.

Good luck.

It sounds as though your parents are still dealing with your separation and acting out towards you. Maybe if you show independence in this, they’ll come round? Eventually.

@StuckInPollyannaMode you've got this 💪 it's just another wee detour on your road to happines, you'll sort it, we all know you will!! 🍷🍫💐

I'd be going Low or even No Contact with your parents after that. Disgusting behaviour.

Rewiring can be v messy, were you planning on having it done before you move in? (I would!)

Re the boiler, if its not safety critical I'd delay the installation (unless
a new air/ground source heat pump set up, in which case do it at the same time as rewiring as it, too could be very messy with digging up floors for underfloor heating etc)

Regardless, I'd be getting a bigger mortgage /loan/credit card (not from Gellar, as a pp suggested 😱you'd never hear the last of it! 🙄 )

or trying to get the house for less due to the issues that need fixing.

Chin up @StuckInPollyannaMode you can do this.

That's a shame @StuckInPollyannaMode but in the end it will feel better to not have to be indebted to them.

As for the character building comment, that's pretty insulting. I'm sure your character is in fine fettle as it is!

If you can find a way to get this house, without their help, then do that.

If you need to step away and find another house, do that.

Sod them. When you've sorted your situation out without their help you will be able to feel satisfied and triumphant. If they reluctantly helped, you'd feel indebted and they'd feel entitled to keep going on about it. They've made their feelings clear, so fine, cut them mean fuckers out of the equation. You will get there in the end!

Hi OP - just jumping on to say there will be lots of government funding available in near future for low carbon heating (a heat pump though, not a gas/oil boiler) - and potentially for insulation too depending on your income levels. So, I’m with everyone else who says to take a chance on the house and the funding will sort itself…

I also think, @StuckInPollyannaMode that even if your parents did lend you money, you'd never hear the last of it!

They'd be poking their noses into your business non stop
(because you "owed them for you getting the house" 🙄🙄🙄)

And it would never, ever end, even after you'd paid them back!

"You only got the house because of our help so you have to do... "

"But we enabled you to buy this house, so you have to do... "

God I can hear them now!

The problem with heat pumps is that they need a lot of extra work/expense, if they are going to be of any use. They often don’t produce that much heat, and either use lots of electricity to make up the difference, and keep a house warm, rather than just ‘chill off’. You need bigger radiators, and if they are going to work best, you need underfloor heating - and all of this is extra expense.

@StuckInPollyannaMode - I agree with the posters who have said buy the house anyway - maybe try a cheeky offer - and look to find the money for the essential works from elsewhere - new contracts for your business/a loan/any reduction you can get on the purchase price.

And I agree with the posters who are appalled at what your parents have done - they have been completely heartless!

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius you are quite right! If you’re doing a full renovation it can make sense/be cost effective to have all that done at the same time eg if you need a new system anyway (and there may be cash available for it all, if you meet criteria). But don’t wish to divert attention from the main decision - still think you should go for the house OP

And, a lot of internal insulation, if the house is an older property. By that , I mean on walls, as well as loft space. (been through all this with a 180 year old property!)

Unfortunately, the house is going to auction. I can make the guide price, but that leaves me with no cushion. it doesn't help the auctioneers fee is 6k (bloody daylight robbery) which is also included for stamp duty calculations.

I have put down a pre-auction offer and they will come back to me if it fails to sell at the reserve price. I can't see it. I agree with all your pointers on finding the extra 10k, but because it's an auction, all bets are off and it'll be down to who has the cash on the day. And because it's a modern auction, if I can't complete, I risk losing my 10% deposit.

I thought Dad would be on my side. He asked me last night if I bought it but had to live in it for a year without doing anything, would I? My answer was yes. He said he would 'consider' what they could do to help. I said I didn't want them to consider, I wanted them to want to help and to do so willingly. He said he'd talk to my mother.

The rest is history.

I'm fast coming to the conclusion that if something is not given freely and happily then it is not worth having.

The ridiculous thing is that because of the divorce that's why I'm not on the higher salary, hence why I can't get the higher mortgage and make up the shortfall myself.

Next year I'll be able to do that, so they can have the money back in full - it's not like I'm putting it on the never never.

In other more uplifting news, I went to see Sarah Millican last week with my new man (still being lovely...everything crossed, except for the obvious ). Laughed like a drain - highly recommend if she's on somewhere near you and there's still tickets.

Oh cripes, nearly at a new thread.

I'm sure that extra time will give you the space to get something that is exactly right for you.

Ahh sounds like a Que sera sera moment and not much else to be done. If it is meant to happen it will and if it doesn't I'm sure something else will come up. Please don't torture yourself with the what ifs. You've worked so hard to get here, don't disrupt the peace you have found with wondering if it doesn't work out.

Unspeakable behaviour on your Mother's part, & let's accept it's her power play. She wants you to beg. She must know you are struggling to do the best for your 2 young DDs.
I would not go NC, with them. (think inheritance) I would go very very quiet indeed & would not go running is she gets old & needs help.
You can't you'll be doing your 2nd evening job, to cover renovations
Karma is a wonderful thing.

Ah, I didn't realise it was an auction situation. Am keeping my fingers crossed for you in that case.

I hope karma bites your mum on the bum big time.

Urgh your Mum, you can just see why you ended up with Gellar!'

Fingers crossed for the auction. Your mother has done you a favour - you know where you stand - a long, long way away from them. No amount of money from them would be worth all the drama it would cause. Your mother would want to chose the boiler and the electrician for the rewire because she was paying for it.

Massive ((((hug)))) lovely, it’s so hard when someone who is meant to be unconditionally in your corner isn’t. I really am sending all the “give the house to Polly” vibes I can muster!

New bloke sounds lovely, as does laughter!

I loathe your parents. I know that doesn’t help you but I really do. Foul manipulation.

If it doesn’t work out this time then you will get something right and better as this is always the way but it doesn’t stop it being salt lightly sprinkled over a wound.

Your character seems built by an expert already; whatever do they mean? Are they hoping you will become tame and biddable?

Strange parenting. You would never do this to your own children would you? They are not really behind you even at this challenging time.

Remember this when they are old and helpless. Do what you like to help them... but don't ever feel that you owe them.

I hope that this house works out for you. It sounds like such a great project and such a wonderful future.